@Grenola what you're saying really resonates with me!
The disrupting of peace and stability for example... Right away men go "oh can I come to your exercise class with you?" No darling, you can't, this is my happy safe place, once I feel comfortable enough around you, I'll invite you myself, because if I'll want you everywhere with me. Or right away asking to review their work assignments, or throw some very dark drama my way. Opening up is one thing, but worrying about the wellbeing of someone you barely know is quite different. I'm a very happy, sparkly person, and I just don't want excess darkness in my life, especially someone that sees everything as doom and gloom.
I also get lonely sometimes. For me it's mostly physical touch I crave, beyond platonic hugs that I get plenty of, waking up next to someone I love.
The thing is, I get opportunities to satisfy that physical touch craving, and I just turn them down. For example, I went on 7 dates with a guy who was crazy about me, and I did quite like him, and I just had zero interest in kissing him. There's a couple of attractive, 'successful' (not that it mattered) guys that are asking if I'd want to spend a weekend with them in May, and I'm even somewhat attracted to them, but... I just can't really get myself interested.
I think that isolation and technology have a lot to answer for also. For example that illusion of endless options, as well as long-distance becoming more common etc. Whereas previously you'd just date in your local area.
So in my family women have always been the dominant person in the relationship, in terms of having the financial power for example, and to be honest they've left their first partner in their 30s and then never re-partnered. It used to confuse me as a younger woman, but they probably just had a much easier life that way. My mum's currently living her absolute best life, not constrained by carer duties etc. I think a partner would have made their world smaller, unless it would have been a very specific partner.
So this mindset is not at all new to me, that shift you're talking about. It's probably new in countries like the UK or USA, Spain, Italy etc where women used to have the option to stay home.
I'd really like to have a partner. I'm just struggling to think of one that doesn't drag me down, or the idea of who doesn't make me immediately think of negatives.
Funny enough, the guy I was crazy about wasn't someone who would have 'added' to my life in the traditional sense. But he gave peace and stability cos:
- He was always really keen to listen to me and really engaged with me when I had something on my mind
- He had his own friends and hobbies, so every Monday he'd have things to tell me about what he did, not just saying 'meh I didn't do much'
- He opened up to me about his stuff quite easily, he'd just say 'this happened, it makes me feel like that'. He wouldn't expect me to fix his life or even let me if I tried, he was independent
- Felt like I could be myself with him, end of the working day we'd have maybe an hour together to catch up, and even his physical presence just gave me peace, it's hard to explain. He wasn't too hyper or too loud, but also not pulling teeth, just a good match of temperaments
- Right amount of contact and messaging, again quite matched to mine, gave me time to miss him, wasn't trying to move super fast but I always knew he was thinking about me
He didn't have muscles, a sports car or an amazing well-paid job, but he was just a good guy. In fact on paper he had several qualities that would be traditional 'red flags'. That seems to be hard to find these days...Or maybe that just comes naturally when 2 people really like each other?
I'm just really trying to solve the conundrum of how it is that I want a relationship, but actually pull away from any possibiities of one, even when the options aren't totally disastrous.