Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@ElleintheWoods it's not that so much. My gut is screaming. He's avoided asking some direct questions. The punctuation is absolutely perfect, semi colons anyone? Something just feels really off. I am utterly horrified that it could be and part of me wants to know for sure ....

I use chatgpt a lot, and I know what it kinda sounds like.. this is a bit different... I am curious what the aim would be....but I'm also getting fed up at the lack of clarity so am gonna block soon if I don't get an answer to a really simple question.

@ElleintheWoods Work is an absolute no-goer on the basis that 99% are attached and at least 15 years older. It's not really a place for single people.

I can say that I've never had any sort of romantic interaction with someone in the service industry, and honesty? I can go out somewhere and never have a conversation with anyone.

Looking at social groups etc, it will probably be good in about 40 years time when I'm retired, etc, but nothing appears to exist for people under the age of 70. I would like to find hobby groups, but just don't know where to look.

If it’s bringing you anything but happiness and excitement, don’t bother. Life’s too short to spend time on ‘people’ that make you anxious

Can I ask what type of place do you live in?

I used to live in the Lake District villages and while it was so pretty, social life wise it was challenging. So I bit the bullet and moved and I like it.

But it wasn’t all bad there either, just harder to find.

Now, somewhere like Manchester or London is obviously very different.

Evening all…

I am dipping my toe back into the online dating sess pit again…

I have been chatting online with a seemingly nice guy. He has now just brought up that he has a female best friend who he has known since he was a child - which is absolutely fine.

Apparently, when they are both single, they go away for weekends away. Not sure how I feel about that!! It smacks of ‘friends with benefits’ vibes.

if it was that innocent a relationship, why wouldn’t they go away together when they were not single 🤔 Am I overthinking or have I just heard too much BS over the years..?

Thoughts please…

It really hugely depends, and also depends on how liberal/ open-minded you are.

I’d imagine the vast majority of people would have an issue with their potential partner doing something like this.

I’m probably the female equivalent of your new match, most of my good friends are men and I’ve stayed at their houses weeks on end perfectly innocently, one of my male friends who went on a couple of dates with has been staying at my house for weekends a few times this year, because he’s visiting his home village, and I go on days out/ frequent meals with guys.

Nothing goes on, male-female friendship is just usually easier to manage than a single sex one, both people are a bit more open and invested and it’s a better dynamic for men. Man-man friendship seems rather crap.

But I appreciate it’s not a majority view.

As a positive I’d say, look at this fella as someone that sees women as people and is able to maintain a proper deep relationship with one, as opposed to him sexualising every female connection.

@ElleintheWoods. Thanks very much for a different perspective. I think that my issue is being lied to and having something going on behind my back. He is 60 so, for someone that age, it does seem odd..

I have had nightmares with online dating. So, I am always looking for red flags.

I’d probably say at 60 a platonic friendship would be far more common than at 30…

Maybe partners are jealous of them going away on weekend breaks together when they are coupled up. I'm happy for my man to have female friends, feels like a good thing, but think even I would struggle if he couldn't see me one weekend as he was going on a holiday with her. I'd want him going with me tbh.....

@ElleintheWoods I live in a sizeable town, but socially it is very much focused on retired people.

I am about an hour away from London, and have started to try singles events and speed dating in London. It gets me more social, although not too much comes out of them and I still feel that most who attend still regard OLD as the gold standard.

I am amazed at how much of an emotional rollercoaster it has been just from my brief experience of it.

I am definitely not keen on messaging, at times it feels like a penalty shootout, wrong thing said/misinterpreted it's game over. Or this love-bombing, with the almost hourly messages.

Also what do people think is acceptable/unacceptable lead time/notice period for a date? I've just had Mr. Lovebomb upset that I thought a few hours notice was too short (which would involve at least one hour travelling).

I’m not sure what you mean by people regard OLD as the gold standard? Everyone I know who uses OLD, and me when I used it, complains about it. They would much rather meet someone organically, but that is seen as very difficult nowadays so they ‘resort to’ OLD. I’ve never heard anyone say that they want to meet someone through OLD over any other method. It’s always regarded as something one has to engage in but wishes they didn’t. At least in my social circle.

I think I find at these events (a vibe perhaps) that people won't put the effort in because they will just fall back to the apps. I feel like they will try it once, not find the perfect match and then revert back to OLD.

@PeachyKeane oh hello! Any updates from you?

@NowStartingOver Oh ok, I imagine somewhere with an Eastbourne kind of vibe. There may still be a few hidden gem kind of men around though, that are in a similar situation to yourself and find themselves a bit isolated in the town. When I was in the Lakes I met a man who was very much that, feeling a bit cut off as youngish single professional man struggling to meet women similar to himself, and we clicked well.

Good on you for giving London a go, I certainly would in your shoes. Perhaps also attend events that aren't just dating focused though, where people socialise more naturally, such as professional/academic events, art mixers, sports, ... I go to professional networking, but in an industry that's not my own, in my new city. Oops! I'll learn something and will be guaranteed to walk out with some phone numbers/ expand my circle.

A few hours' notice? Naaaah! Did he know you were free/ were talking about maybe meeeting today? I have occasionally given/taken short notice, but that has been with a far more relaxed vibe, e.g. 'oh it's a lovely day out, I'm popping out for a coffee?' - 'Oh really, mind if I join?'

You and me could never date though, if I have mutual interest with someone, I want to get a good conversation going, so can easily exchange 100 messages an hour if we are both free! Obviously not all day every day but easily done on a Saturday morning. (Again this will be with someone I've met face to face though)

@Crushed23 2nd that, men seem to be slowly but surely turning into incels on OLD and I just keep telling them all to bloody stop, and open their eyes, and ask that cute girl they actually know and like IRL. I had a swipe through my entire city last month over a couple of days, and there was literally one bloke that interested me. Conclusion, the men I'd like to meet aren't on there, or present themselves in a way that turns me off.

I went on a date with someone recently and told him it was a no-go. It then turned out that he was going on dates pretty much weekly and constantly matching with women. Sorry, I don't want to be in someone's Excel spreadsheet getting rated, I want to be the one where they go 'who is this woman? I've only got eyes for her, she's amazing'.

And before anyone says it's not a thing anymore, it is, happened to be numerous times in recent years, so f* OLD.

@NowStartingOver a few hours notice is unacceptable to me - you might have other plans and even if not youd need time to get ready. Men have no respect for how long it can take to pick an outfit, do hair and make up etc!

@oldernotwiserffs Glad to hear that other people find short notice unacceptable. I feel like I need an emergency grab date outfit! I don't want to turn into a doomsday/date prepper!

@ElleintheWoods The messaging I had (when it was particularly bad) was whilst I was at work in the office (and he knew that), it was a bit embarrassing that my phone was buzzing constantly and distracting from doing proper work.

I love this attitude. Just roll with it.

Any thoughts on Badoo? I'm 47

@ElleintheWoods - I couldn’t agree more with you on the last conclusion! Since I last posted I decided to give Bumble a try following the idea that I am not looking for anything other than some fun dates. The younger 30 year olds turned out to be such hard work - sending special requirements as to how my intimate zones had to be groomed, demanding nudes and sexting etc before we even met or were only up for going for a walk by the river (?). The only remotely attractive 40 year olds not only used old photos (by their own admission) but also turned out to be still very much married and living with their spouse, supposedly recently separated (not according to the wives’ social media). All very respectable professionals (lawyers/bankers) who were lying through their teeth on their profiles that they were loyal and honest and got very defended when I called them out on their lies. Absolute waste of time!

@ElleintheWoods in fact I've been off the apps for months having unexpectedly met my perfect match. Back in January on Tinder. He's the exact same age as me, similar everything really. We hit it off immediately and have been dating ever since. Just back from spending a perfect bank holiday weekend with him. We've been for weekends away, go to the theatre, cinema, gigs, meals out. So far not a cross word, all feels easy and loving and just right.

@PeachyKeane Oh that's so lovely!! Congrats and wish you an exciting spring and summer ahead.

@occhiazzurri Oh my god!! What?! I've never come across anything like that, sounds absolutely awful, is that a London thing? Do people just think it's a product catalogue?

Not gonna lie I disagree with online dating, think it brings out the worst of people, but I've only met half-decent men through it, and nobody remotely like what you've described. Maybe I just scare them off 😂

Ladies I have a couple of recent observations...

The rise of a certain kind of guy being with someone older and less conventionally attractive... I've noticed this so much recently! See a conventionally attractive man in my health club, probably around 35, fit, nice face and hair, clearly quite into their looks. As they approached a woman who was 10+ years older, objectively obese and seemingly more mature in their attitude, with some markers of being wealthy, I assumed they were having a pool day with their mum... Then they kissed them in a way you definitely don't kiss your mum! And I've seen a fair few of these couples recently.

I'm all for couples that are outwardly mismatched, I've definitely been in those myself, but has anyone noticed more of these kinds of couplings recently?

I don't think I've EVER seen the older wealthy woman/ younger fit man combo, and now they seem to be everywhere? For ref I am in a northern city with a fair mix of poverty and wealth, imagine somewhere like Liverpool.

Secondly... I am increasingly in a headspace where I like the concept of a boyfriend but actually, I don't seem to be able to go through with it? When I have a chance to kiss someone or more, it just puts me off and I pull away. I feel like one of these stereotypical men that's surrounded by pretty women but can't seem to take any of them seriously.

Especially when someone is keen and texts a lot, the more they contact me, the less I am interested in them.

Is anyone else experiencing this?

@ElleintheWoods how bizarre to have noticed this as a potential trend. I must say, I havnt seen this. But I don’t really socialise in places I would be able to see this.

nothing surprises me tbh!

I have noticed a lot recently I’m talking eith all ages of women from 20-50 and all single, and all saying they don’t see the point of a male partner. I feel a bit of a movement or shift in dynamic impacting on relationships. It’s the context of ‘what do they add to my life?’

makes me feel sad for the younger ones or maybe I’m actually impressed by them as they know what they want and when I was that age I was stumbling into toxic relationships nievely?!

@Grenola Yes it really struck me as I’ve seen at least 3 of these kinds of couples in the last week or so! And a lesbian couple where one of the women was a lot younger and more ‘conventionally attractive’. Gosh I hate using labels like this but it does strike me as something new, it used to be common for older wealthy men to have young partners, but it seems to have flipped now?

How do you feel about it yourself, do you think you need/ want a partner? And why?

I actually started a thread about this and a lot of women replied saying the same.

Personally I’m 35 and I’d love to have a partner. However it’s about having someone i really love, not just dating for the sake of dating. A lot of men seem really needy and really keen to have a partner, not looking for something/ someone special. They stress me out as opposed to make me want to be with them.

I wonder if it’s a general change of attitude for me, or is it because I fell in love last year and I’m not over him/ compare people to him in terms of what I expect to be feeling.

It really is bizarre!!! I bet I notice it about now.

so I want the right partner not just any… and they just add value to my life not take from it indirectly. Meaning to not disrupt my peace and stability as a person.

I am generally happy, but do feel lonely at times and sometimes superficially want some to do things with at weekend and holidays ect.

I have three kids tho, so a partner is def an add on essentially. However for the right person I would be open to sharing more than dates ect.

I think a large feminist shift has happened and also the fluidity of gender roles and gender identification is starting to impact dating and romantic connections. With technology added in, in the sense of how we access connections in a day to day way and how that isolates us from person to person contact but also in terms of online dating. It seems to have created a ‘limbo’ or a state of flux. It that makes sense! Just my musings.
but this seems to accross generations and not age specific. So not the usual ‘bitter or burnt’ woman who is independent ect and sick of being hurt.