How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

[NoSmokeWithoutFire0]

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

Might be worth checking he hasn’t added some kind of tracking on your phone. Not sure if a device shows all Find My Phone connections.

a) what is he talking about everything you’ve worked on - you’ve been seeing each other for under a year.

b) he’s “retching” at the thought you’d be thinking I know something you don’t know? How dramatic. Also, No, you’d know something he knows. His response assumes you’d get some disclosure so actually, the current situation is the complete reversal of that - he knows something you don’t. So should you be retching?

c) it’s not remotely like him having access to your full GP record. In any sense! Information is only disclosed if it’s needed to protect you from harm, the interference with his rights is necessary and proportionate to prevent crime (ie in respect of you) and even then they will consider the extent of disclosure needed for that protection ie a limited form of words rather than full transcripts etc.

d) his “ right” to move on does not trump your right to be safe and protect yourself and those around you with relevant information.

could go on for ages but basically I’d recommend getting rid solely because of his response, but additionally a) in order to make the application, you must have had concerns and b) because it sounds like there is some problematic history.

Yeah this is really important. It's about what the police consider to be a risk to you. if it was a false allegation that the police dismissed as such, it wouldn't be included in a disclosure, as I understand it.
Thank you.

Op the fact you made the Claire's law application in the first place screams you should run for the hills to me anyway irregardless of his response . You must have felt a gut instinct to do this. Trust that and get out. His response sounds suspicious to me victim blaming and not taking any responsibility at all

Guilty. Do not proceed ,ditch this one

Do you have children?
He is obviously guilty of something. He must be super unlucky to have had several false complaints against him from previous relationships .

Absolutely guilty as hell. Run for the hills and block him

Gets worse. He had your pass code - why? Thinking back, I would bet you offered, but because of him giving the impression that he felt slighted or not trusted in some way so you wanted to show your trust 😱 But notice how even that wasn't enough, and you were still accused of 'shady behaviour' with your phone. Agreeing not to use it or not contact people he didn't know was probably going to be the next step he had in mind for you.

Urgh he reminds me of my old house mate’s boyfriend. Please end it here.

”Right, so what you’re saying is that you’re uncomfortable with the fact that I’ve even considered this and as far as you’re concerned the trust in this relationship is already damaged. Sounds like we’re flogging a dead horse then and it’s better to call it quits.”

I fucking despise men like this failure. Ugh.

He says the trust isn't there. No trust no relationship. Dump him OP.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You took steps to protect yourself. And instead of respecting that, he’s manipulating you, shaming you, and making himself the victim. That’s not a man you can trust. That’s a man who wants you to feel like you can’t trust yourself. And that’s a very, very dangerous dynamic.

I'd find it to be a gross violation of privacy and would be a deal-breaker for me.

However, you then mentioned "past allegations". Soooooo I take it back. Sounds fishy; probably for the best the relationship is over and done with.

Your son or brother doesn't have a right to a girlfriend or wife. Women have the right not to be battered by men.

It tells you of previous convictions, domestic abuse, violence and aggression and any other things.

It's extremely informative and it also helps save other women from abusive, violent and controlling men.

It's very valuable to women who have seen traits and been subjected to emotional and mental abuse who then think hang on has this happened before and if so can find out.

Why should it be private if they've abused women before and you're in a position they could do the same to you though?

We're not talking dental records here. We're talking about violent criminal records. If there's nothing dangerous to hide then there's nothing to be worried about privacy for because there's nothing to tell.

He's done uno reverse

He'll never trust 'you' again
He is the victim
You are putting him through distress

And the stuff with your phone is also a massive red flag. He would definitely be controlling too

Oh OP. You don’t need to wait for the police results do you? Even if nothing comes back he’s shown you who he is. The only acceptable response to you telling him would be to be understanding and reassuring. His reaction and his attitude towards women say it all. Leave him and do it now. Don’t waste another second wondering exactly what’s has happened or what he’s done or why he’s upset with you now.

he had my passcode

• Check your phone for stalkerware. https://stopstalkerware.org/
• Change the passcode.
• Change your door lock barrel. If he has ever had physical access to your keys, even for a few minutes whilst you nipped to the loo, he could have photographed them or taken a molding of them.

Changing the door lock barrel is a DIY job if you have a Euro lock. www.diy.com/ideas-advice/how-to-change-different-types-of-door-locks/CC_npcart_4100001.art

sounds dreadful. With or without any disclosures he has red flags strung all over him like bunting

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Provoke him to do what? That sounds like a threat of violence.

If you had to do one in the fist place it shows there's something you felt

Guilty as hell!

This latest outburst tells me he's done something very bad and definitely doesn't want you to find out. This is a threat.

Don't worry that the police will take it seriously - they won't - and it will add to his CL file. He may not even report you.

I assume you are going to end things. I think you've dodged a bullet.
I'm so sorry that he has done third to you (and presumably other women). It's brilliant that you are protecting yourself.