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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

362 replies

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:14

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 03/02/2025 20:39

A Clair's law request is screened under a criteria that the person making the request has a real need to know for their safety. It's not a dating safe guard. The exact criteria is open to interpretation by police forces but certainly includes shared children, moving in to a house with resident children, controlling and coercive behaviour early on, etc. But you have to give that connection, not just every guy you meet in the pub.
And OP. You can not publish the outcome or use it for any reason other than making a decision on your safety. You'll be told outcome face to face and have to agree to thus.

Over40Overdating · 03/02/2025 20:39

@NoSmokeWithoutFire0 the replies you’ve shared are very reminiscent of the texts I got from a man when confronted about his history.

Are you London based or elsewhere in the country?

BabyMushroom · 03/02/2025 20:42

ClareBlue · 03/02/2025 20:39

A Clair's law request is screened under a criteria that the person making the request has a real need to know for their safety. It's not a dating safe guard. The exact criteria is open to interpretation by police forces but certainly includes shared children, moving in to a house with resident children, controlling and coercive behaviour early on, etc. But you have to give that connection, not just every guy you meet in the pub.
And OP. You can not publish the outcome or use it for any reason other than making a decision on your safety. You'll be told outcome face to face and have to agree to thus.

if this is aimed at me i don't think i've been clear i meant every guy i am dating will have one done on them not every single guy i meet literally 🙄

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2025 20:43

The idea that it is not your business how he has behaved in the past is pretty insane, given rates of partner violence against women and the fact that male partners generally can kill their female partners quite easily.

And statistically, they don't change. Somewhere in the 90%ile carry on. The 5-10% who do change it's normally a whole life change (medication, giving up substances) not stopping the DV alone. Even with counselling, intervention, programs and on and on.

Violent men don't change. Please tell your daughters.

ClareBlue · 03/02/2025 20:44

And certain allegations trigger disclosure more than others. Reports of strangulation are exceptionally serious. There is a strong connection between this and terrible outcomes, so the police nearly always disclose them.

Original poster
NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 20:45

Over40Overdating · 03/02/2025 20:39

@NoSmokeWithoutFire0 the replies you’ve shared are very reminiscent of the texts I got from a man when confronted about his history.

Are you London based or elsewhere in the country?

No I’m up north, he lived in London for many years but not for the last 6/7 years I think?

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 03/02/2025 20:45

Ahh, that speech, the articulate,contrite misunderstood and misconstrued abuser
Get him to fuck

Shubbypubby · 03/02/2025 20:46

Why would you tell him? If you're concerned he'd dangerous, telling him you're making an application makes him more so and gives him a chance to think up lies/manipulative explanations.

Original poster
NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 20:47

I tried to edit the original post sorry as lots of people asking why I told him which I didn’t, he found out, but I can’t!

OP posts:
Janelle84 · 03/02/2025 20:50

If there was nothing to worry about on his record, he wouldn’t have this anxiety! Be interesting to find out. Definitely go with your gut. Be careful

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 03/02/2025 20:50

Very suspicious. I think you have your answer even with the CL check.

ClareBlue · 03/02/2025 20:51

But you told him when he asked. That text didn't say you had made a request about him. It gave you a ref number about you contacting them. You could have said it was about anything. I'm not saying you are at fault, but people are saying police shouldn't text about the Clair's Law request. They don't.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/02/2025 20:52

BabyMushroom · 03/02/2025 20:28

"This is a bit of a waste of police resources"
if it saves someone then it isn't a waste of time i would have loved to have known my ex went to prison before we met!

I mean if you do it on everyone you date ever it's not sustainable

Original poster
NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 20:58

ClareBlue · 03/02/2025 20:51

But you told him when he asked. That text didn't say you had made a request about him. It gave you a ref number about you contacting them. You could have said it was about anything. I'm not saying you are at fault, but people are saying police shouldn't text about the Clair's Law request. They don't.

Yes true it didn’t specifically state I’d contacted them about Clare’s Law but I’m rubbish at thinking on my feet and worse at lying so just decided to come clean.

FWIW I don’t think they should send any text at all. Someone more dangerous than him could see any police contact and lose their shit. I did ask on the form to only be contacted by email but I guess the texts are automatically generated.

OP posts:
RatedDoingMagic · 03/02/2025 21:00

Agree a response like that is a massive red flag.

Either he has an actual proven history of domestic violence/abuse (least likely as he'd know you'd be about to find out your enquiry was quite justified)

OR he does have a history of domestic violence/abuse that he has successfully managed to gaslight everyone about and there's never been enough proof for you to get any useful information from Clare's Law but this response is a first step of starting to gaslight and oppress you into accepting his future abuse

OR he's never yet been abusive or violent himself but he has a base layer of misogyny running through him, from which violence and abuse may or may not grow in the future, but in the meantime just gives rise to a total blindness to the disadvantages placed on women and a sense of entitlement to the privileges that his maleness brings.

Doesn't actually matter which. 3 is most likely but you want to bin him whichever it is.

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/02/2025 21:00

Chillingly, there are more than one woman making reports of his abuse
Once, he maybe try argue an unbalanced scorned woman made up a bad story but several. That’s a fucking taxi full of women. Probably five a side footy team

As I said get him to fuck, you know he’s a wrong un, he is literally telling you 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩more red flags than a fete

MounjaroOnMyMind · 03/02/2025 21:01

Why on earth did you let him have your passcode? You didn't know him anywhere nearly well enough for that. Did he ask for your passcode?

ClareBlue · 03/02/2025 21:02

Clair's Law was a very significant change in legislation where enshrined rights to privacy and data protection that we are all entitled to can be over ruled in the interests of the safety of women. To legislate in this manner is serious and came with safe guards. One of which is it can not be used as a general disclosure for any man you meet or for any data that is not directly linked to a risk assessment on the safety of the women.
We might like full disclosure of our partner's history before we date them, but that's not what it's there for.

ClareBlue · 03/02/2025 21:07

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 20:58

Yes true it didn’t specifically state I’d contacted them about Clare’s Law but I’m rubbish at thinking on my feet and worse at lying so just decided to come clean.

FWIW I don’t think they should send any text at all. Someone more dangerous than him could see any police contact and lose their shit. I did ask on the form to only be contacted by email but I guess the texts are automatically generated.

Show quote history

Can you tell them this. If you specified email they should take the auto text off. It's important they change their system for the exact reason you have given. If you get a change you are potentially saving another women from a serious situation. I thought as you live away from him you were OK with text, but if you specified email only that is a serious system failure.

Motharunner · 03/02/2025 21:10

If I’d mentioned this to DH he’d be so non plussed, as he doesn’t have an abusive past! If someone were to do it to me, I wouldn’t care.

The only people who care are the ones you should avoid…. Definitely run, don’t walk, away from this one.

Booboobagins · 03/02/2025 21:15

It sounds like he was accused but not prosecuted/convicted? Is that correct? If it is, it should not have been disclosed. If he did something then he wouldn't be in my life.

Whether he sounds guilty or not is a mute point for me, I'd base my decision on the above.

ClareBlue · 03/02/2025 21:19

Non conviction can be disclosed. That's the point of the legislation. To give powers to disclosed information that is usually protected under rights to privacy and data protection.

DorothyStorm · 03/02/2025 21:20

For a while I gave him the benefit of the doubt
They were red flags. That’s not giving someone the benefit of the doubt, that it ignoring the warning signs.

it didn't take much for him to show his true colours today though.

DorothyStorm · 03/02/2025 21:22

MounjaroOnMyMind · 03/02/2025 21:01

Why on earth did you let him have your passcode? You didn't know him anywhere nearly well enough for that. Did he ask for your passcode?

Also this. Dont you have photos, screenshots, banking apps, email accounts on there?

Mumofoneandone · 03/02/2025 21:28

I think you need to make contact with the police urgently to let them know the situation you now find yourself in. Whilst you may be perfectly safe, equally you could be at risk.
Good luck and stay safe