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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

362 replies

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:14

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

OP posts:
Whotenanny · 03/02/2025 22:34

Sodthesystem · 03/02/2025 22:11

Why should it be private if they've abused women before and you're in a position they could do the same to you though?

We're not talking dental records here. We're talking about violent criminal records. If there's nothing dangerous to hide then there's nothing to be worried about privacy for because there's nothing to tell.

Show quote history

The opening paragraph didn't make it clear there was a reason for the application. If it was unwarranted, i.e. a general check, I'd absolutely oppose that. However, the next part of the OP makes it clear there was history. It was worth making the application.

OP absolutely made the right choice here. Her latest update about being reported to the police for provoking him (wtf!) is frightening, Tbh.

I hope you are okay, OP. Hopefully he'll cool off and leave you alone from now on.

surreygirl1987 · 03/02/2025 22:35

Sassybooklover · 03/02/2025 18:26

How on earth did this man 'find out' you'd made a Claire's Law application?!! It's confidential. By his reaction, then I'd say he's got something on his record, that is likely to be flagged up.

This is what worries me too. And I'd run if I were you.

TheDogHasFarted · 03/02/2025 22:36

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

Wow. This is DARVO to the power of ten million! Google DARVO if you don't already know what it is. It's absolutely classic emotionally abusive behaviour and I'm sure you have nothing to worry about regarding the police. If he contacts the police, he will probably be in danger of reporting himself for emotionally abusive, controlling behaviour which is now a crime.

DorothyStorm · 03/02/2025 22:37

Whotenanny · 03/02/2025 22:34

The opening paragraph didn't make it clear there was a reason for the application. If it was unwarranted, i.e. a general check, I'd absolutely oppose that. However, the next part of the OP makes it clear there was history. It was worth making the application.

OP absolutely made the right choice here. Her latest update about being reported to the police for provoking him (wtf!) is frightening, Tbh.

I hope you are okay, OP. Hopefully he'll cool off and leave you alone from now on.

Show quote history

you read one paragraph of the op on a thread about domestic violence and felt so self righteous commented without reading the rest? Fuck sake what arrogance.

surreygirl1987 · 03/02/2025 22:39

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

Jeez, OP, just read all your messages and yes I think you need to be concerned. Do please contact the police to flag, and do not engage with this man any further. He sounds really quite scary. Keep yourself safe.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 03/02/2025 22:41

More red flags than a communist rally.
His latest threat to report you to police is bullshit. He’s trying to scare you.
Keep his messages to show to police.

Nationsss · 03/02/2025 22:44

He is one nasty piece of work and he has threatened you.
Definitely report him to the police.
Also work on your boundaries.
He showed you who he was and you continued on.

I cannot even imagine the idea of doing a Claire's law request and continuing on.
Even more son when you have children.

Dontbeme · 03/02/2025 22:44

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

Is he actually suggesting that he will ring up the police and make a report that he's fallen out with a woman he's dating, and the disagreement is so bad,he's advising them that he's going to beat her? He's not too bright is he.

On a serious note OP, keep all messages from him and contact the police yourself to tell them you're concerned he will escalate and you're awaiting feedback on a CL request, better to be safe.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/02/2025 22:45

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

As an immediate overnight precaution, leave your key in the lock and turn it slightly past the position where you'd normally pull it out. This will stop anyone from opening the door from the outside because the outside key can't turn with an inside key in place.

That reply of his is pure DARVO. "Trying to provoke him" is Rule One manifested.

Do not engage with him any further. You have dodged a bullet here by finding out what he's like before making any financial or similar commitments to him.

coralsky · 03/02/2025 22:46

Fucking hell op you've dodged a bullet there. Your latest update about him
Threatening to call the police - he's absolutely batshit.

MsMarch · 03/02/2025 22:46

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

I appreciate it's scary but part of me finds this funny. He is threatening to go to the police to report you havr been "provoking" him? He's clearly ridiculous. Unfortunately it's not funny because he's probably ly also dangerous.

You dint need to worry about the police and his threats to use them against you but absolute be vigilant and follow up with the application or even contact police directly if anything concerns you.

Lulabellez · 03/02/2025 22:47

Redrosesposies · 03/02/2025 18:21

I don't know what's on a Clare's Law file. Would a potentially false accusation be on there if he was arrested?
If yes then he actually has a point.
If that was the case then how do you decide whether you believe them or not?
If it was your son or brother that had been falsely accused would you be happy knowing that they can never get away from it.

Apologies if I am barking up the wrong tree.

False accusations are pretty rare and probably won’t be on there. I wouldn’t trust anyone that was “falsely accused” either tbh.
if you feel you need to request information under Claire’s Law then you already know you need to get rid.

manysausages · 03/02/2025 22:48

I hope the police take this seriously and respond appropriately to protect you, seeing as this situation was entirely of their making. Sending a text that an abusive partner has the potential to see is sheer negligence.

Whotenanny · 03/02/2025 22:50

DorothyStorm · 03/02/2025 22:37

you read one paragraph of the op on a thread about domestic violence and felt so self righteous commented without reading the rest? Fuck sake what arrogance.

Show quote history

Did you read my original post? I guess not.

Edited to add: Perhaps I should make myself more clear. If it's unwarranted, then it would absolutely be a deal-breaker to me. If there were past allegations (which there were), then it's totally reasonable to request a history.

Alifefulloflemons · 03/02/2025 22:51

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:14

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

How did he know that you were making an application on him? Isn't the process kept anonymous to protect you?

Sorry I'm not clear on the process of Claire's Law

EllaMozarella · 03/02/2025 22:53

I had an ex who had a 'crazy ex' who'd accused him of DA.
''She even got herself a caseworker from '' (local DA charity)
I felt sorry for him. I then spent a year in a very emotionally abusive relationship that shattered my confidence. But I didn't realise what was happening.
Go with your gut. Prepare to (safely) leave.

I am appalled the police texted you a ref number.

WhatMe123 · 03/02/2025 22:59

Classic narcissist behaviour there op you've betrayed him, he's lost the trust, poor him, victim playing, you're out of order, he's going to report you for causing him distress.....
People always tell you who they are ...listen to them. Good luck op

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 03/02/2025 22:59

It's like any other sort of disclosure that is to protect vulnerable people. If you know you're 'clean', you've no problem with someone doing a Claire's law request about you. You'd probably reassure your partner if they felt bad about wanting to look after themselves.
This person is waving a whole parade of red flags because you dare want to look after yourself and keep yourself safe. Run for the hills!

Edited as I just saw your last update: contact the police about his threat to report you. They can put a flag on your address to respond asap with blue lights etc etc. It's an emptyish threat to try to get you back in line. Well done for blocking him and do get your locks done tomorrow etc. Take care of yourself and your babbas.

Onlycoffee · 03/02/2025 23:01

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

He'so paranoid about being accused of being abusive that he responds by being abusive.

So glad you are aware of all this now!

RosaBaby2 · 03/02/2025 23:05

This guy sounds so manipulative, good gosh maybe a lucky escape!

I did a Claire's Law on behalf of my friend a few weeks ago, the guy had already admitted to her about a sex offence and I wanted her to hear it from the police to wake her up.

Anyway they bloody contacted him before they disclosed to her.

They do ask things like is it safe to contact on this number, or what times/do you think you (or friend) is in any danger etc or at least the officer I spoke to did.

fashionqueen0123 · 03/02/2025 23:08

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

well if you weren’t sure before, you will be now after that comment! Good idea.

pananamana · 03/02/2025 23:08

stay safe OP.

pananamana · 03/02/2025 23:09

and screenshot all whatsapp type messages in case he deletes!

WigglyVonWaggly · 03/02/2025 23:10

He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do.

This threatening reaction and manipulation is your clearest sign that the multiple women who he is alluding to having falsely accused him of things are telling the truth. Trust them. You’re at least the third accused of trying to deliberately provoke him / frame him / lie and that’s no coincidence. I’m so glad you followed your gut when you saw his online posts.

Lulabellez · 03/02/2025 23:15

Whotenanny · 03/02/2025 22:05

I'd find it to be a gross violation of privacy and would be a deal-breaker for me.

However, you then mentioned "past allegations". Soooooo I take it back. Sounds fishy; probably for the best the relationship is over and done with.

A Law that is in place to protect women is a gross violation of privacy?
It wouldn’t be a violation of privacy if there was nothing on there? If he has committed an offence of that nature then she has a right to know.
The main thing women should be thinking though, is that as soon as we decide we want to do a CL we already have our answer. It’s over.