How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

[NoSmokeWithoutFire0]

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

Yes it would show an allegation that was dropped, as so many guilty me. aren't prosecuted and so many women drop allegations as they're scared or love the man and don't want him to get intro trouble.
If a few different women or a woman with no reason to make anything up have made allegations then there's no one that's that unlucky.

THIS

Yes and please update us!

The problem with this rationale is that it doesn't take into account the way an abusive relationship can mess with your mind. It's one of the reasons women don't leave, you lose your faith in your own judgement, gaslighting messes with your mind and you end up feeling like your mind is untrustworthy and taking their word as what's real. If it were this simple women wouldn't get stuck in these sorts of relationships. The value of finding out there is something on record about them is that it gives you external validation of how you're feeling. You know
you're not making It up, you're not punishing them for a past relationship, you're not..... insert whatever they chose to try gaslight their way out of it.

They disclosed one allegation (strangling) to me. The reason they chose to disclose might have been decided because of a pattern of others that weren't disclosed though (like I knew he'd been convicted of drink driving they didn't tell me that though)

Not how it works. A phone call making an allegation doesn't go on the disclosure. We're talking about a conviction, court cases not leading to conviction but some strong statements and evidence, number of visits by police where for whatever reason prosecutions weren't taken but there was clear indications, hospitalisation but not proceeding with prosecution, statements made and withdrawn by abused women, witness statements for cases not proceeded with for whatever reason, police reports, 3rd party agency reports that didn't meet threshold for prosecution. These are what feed into risk assessments, not a Facebook post or an allegation in a custody case or divorce.
When they changed the law they introduced protections against the data just being loads of unsubstantiated allegations kept on file. It's much more than that before a disclosure indicates there is a risk.

It doesn’t really matter now because his reaction has worried me enough on its own but I’m definitely going to still continue the application if they do end up wanting to speak to me about anything. I only made it at the weekend so I doubt I’ll hear anything for a while, I’ll definitely come back and update if I do though.

Re my shady phone use it was apparently turning my screen away from him when we were sat together, putting my phone down with the screen facing down, things like that. I don’t think I did either of those things and he had my passcode, I didn’t try to hide anything and would happily show him videos and stuff on my phone.

As a woman in a new relationship you are 100% correct and right to have an individual you are not sure about checked out with Claire's Law.

You are simply protecting yourself.

He's not considered has he, that some women do end up with abusers - and pay with their life.

Your decision to check up on him was 100% right.

His stats are way wrong also. If you check the ONS you'll see that around 100 plus women are murdered every year by men in the UK.

On the other hand, the number of men murdered by women is less than half that and often a defense of diminished responsibility will be used, because the woman has been subjected to a lifetime of abuse and snapped and she will get off on manslaughter.

He's talking absolute bullshit.

Definitely block and get rid of him. He's awful. Raise your standards OP.

The fact you even had to check shows he's a HUGE walking red flag.

But these guys are pros at making you doubt yourself and your gut with gaslighting, they'll make you think it's your friends or your anxiety or feminist media that is making you interpret their behaviour wrongly. Please don't give on your high horse and judge women who are dating an abuser and just slowly realising it x

Change your passcode ASAP.

'You'll be the next one to accuse me' is reverse psychology to stop you doing it. He's awful please run away

This is a bit of a waste of police resources

Might be worth getting your phone checked @NoSmokeWithoutFire0
He could have put tracking stuff on it, etc.

I think it’s incredibly dangerous that the police send a text to potential abuse victims given the amount of abusive men who check their partner’s phones. Look how it’s escalated here, imagine if they were living together and OP was then in the house with him whilst he gets more and more angry.

Mine was much quicker but I'd just had his baby so it may have been sped up

" dont agree with this.. its not there are an aid to your dating life! what if you do an application and it comes back with no results? does it mean you have bagged yourself a 'good un' or does it simply mean he's not been caught yet?

trust you instincts, a womans instinct is very rarely wrong."

you don't have to agree? not asking you to do one am i? i'm not taking the risk as my ex went to prison for dv before we met and i had no idea he was lovely when we first met! no red flags at all if you could always trust your instinct then so many women wouldn't end up in abusive relationships? no reason why you can't do one and still take precautions it's not one or the other, i wish i knew about clare's law back then.

"This is a bit of a waste of police resources"
if it saves someone then it isn't a waste of time i would have loved to have known my ex went to prison before we met!

Why did he have your passcode?

He's just another creepy weirdo who thinks he's special.

Leave him.

Did the Clare's Law show anything, op?

He sounds highly manipulative and arrogant.

I haven't RTFT but he's a walking red flag.

I IDed DH when I met him. His exact words I remember to this day, "that's OK, I understand, I have a sister".

A man who is actually an ally to women will understand. They look at the news as well. A predator won't agree. As PP said 'rubbish took itself out'.

God he sounds scary OP. Look after yourself.

DARVO on steroids. Avoid.

Yeah, if the past accusations genuinely came out of nowhere I don't think he would be so defensive. You already know, so if the police report just confirmed what he told you he would likely be more ok with it - in the same way that I'd be totally fine with my employer checking my degree results if I hadn't lied about it, as my employer has an interest in knowing whether I have the qualifications I have claimed. The idea that it is not your business how he has behaved in the past is pretty insane, given rates of partner violence against women and the fact that male partners generally can kill their female partners quite easily. That's what Claire's law is for.

You're right to get rid, though it would be very interesting to hear what the report says.