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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this response to a Clare’s Law application?

362 replies

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 18:14

I won’t go into why I made it but the guy I’ve been seeing for around 10 months found out that I’d made a Clare’s Law application on him and these are some of his responses in a conversation we had by text about it.

“I'm sorry about the Claire's Law thing. It's up to you how you proceed, but I do think it's an invasion of privacy to some extent. Whether I thought it'd have content or not. I think regardless of how we move forward, l'd always feel that way. I should be entitled to move on from horrible situations from my past. I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.”

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch.
You can't build trust on that, and our conversation revolved around trust.
Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. I'll always assume you did it and know more about me than I know. That's like me having full access to your gp records.
That's a deal breaker for me and would make everything else we worked on together pointless.”

“I now feel like l'll never be allowed to move forward and enjoy any relationship through fear of secretly being spied on.
Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.”

Is it just me or is this screaming guilty?

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 04/02/2025 00:58

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

You have kids? Jeez I hope he hasn't been accused of noncing

Greywarden · 04/02/2025 01:09

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 22:29

Thank you, I will look into all of this now. He has emailed me saying he’s going to report me to the police for ‘trying to provoke him’ and I’m quite worried about what he’s going to do. I’m going to contact the police now my kids are settled in bed.

Show quote history

Yeah ain't no way the police would take that allegation seriously.
His email does sound really horrible though and could indeed be a sign of further escalation to come so I'm glad you are going to take action.
Really good luck. What a horrible situation for you - I'm so sorry.

kiwiane · 04/02/2025 01:09

Always trust your instincts and learn never to share passwords with anyone else! I hope he leaves you alone - be really clear it’s over.

Anotherparkingthread · 04/02/2025 01:12

Wow, you have had a lucky escape.

He's angry that you realised something is off about him, he's angry that other women might find out about him and have the ability to look him up.

He sounds absolutely awful op you should run for the hills and never look back, what a fucking creep. I don't believe for one second multiple women have made false allegations against him, one false allegation would be very unusual and unfortunate. His reaction tells you absolutely everything you need to know.

Bowies · 04/02/2025 01:26

Protect yourself OP, a restraining order if needed, document everything and report anything concerning.

Trust the self who made the enquiry, the results of which are damning.

His message to you strikes me as narcissistic gaslighting.

winfongdown · 04/02/2025 01:29

Please have no more to do with this man.

echt · 04/02/2025 01:55

If it's not been said already, he has an impressive grasp of the language of DV: "reactive abuse" not to mention "trying to provoke me" another woman just asking for it, eh?

"you'll be the next to accuse me" FFS how many are there?

I'm trying to imagine how the police would receive his complaint about a Clare's Law application. Not well I'd have thought.

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 02:30

more than one woman has made ‘false allegations’ against him in the past

MORE than one woman???

Run for the hills and block him. And be careful he doesn't start stalking you.

HoppingPavlova · 04/02/2025 02:43

Re my shady phone use it was apparently turning my screen away from him when we were sat together, putting my phone down with the screen facing down, things like that. I don’t think I did either of those things and he had my passcode, I didn’t try to hide anything and would happily show him videos and stuff on my phone

I still find it really suspicious he even saw the text. DH’s phone pings all the time, as does mine but I can’t say I’ve ever seen any texts on his phone and I’ve never seen him looking at mine so that he could read texts. Neither of us have anything to hide and will show an interesting photo or whatnot to the other on our phones but that’s the extent.

As to why he had the passcode? Why? He’s a boyfriend. That’s not normal. I would have no idea what DH’s password is nor any of my (adult) kids and none of us have anything idea about the others. Again, nothing to hide all round but why? We do all have all of our passcodes/ passwords, so Internet banking numbers, pension details, share accounts, any social media details etc in individual envelopes in a locked cabinet as we learnt the hard way with a friend whose spouse died and it was a nightmare for them not having any of this - couldn’t cancel subscriptions as no username/password, couldn’t shut down things like FB if I recall correctly, couldn’t get into computer, phones, iPads to give them to others etc.

HomeTheatreSystem · 04/02/2025 05:07

I hope you are going to dump him: he has some very distorted thinking going on there. He hasn't done anything criminal to you as yet but the fact you've done a Claire law enquiry tells the police his behaviour with women is still problematic.

AlertCat · 04/02/2025 06:10

NoSmokeWithoutFire0 · 03/02/2025 19:28

I get that they might feel a little hurt but I'd expect a man to know that women have had it hard and its healthy for them to be careful of men.

See as it turns out he fundamentally disagrees with the idea that women are at a much greater risk of being abused than he is of ever being falsely accused of anything. In his mind he’s the one at risk. One of the reasons I started to feel uneasy was because of comments I’d see him leaving on social media where women were sharing their DV stories and he’d say ‘it’s not all men, women are just as bad as men when it comes to DV they just get away with it’ and things like that. For a while I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it must be absolutely horrible to be falsely accused or to feel like you’re being tarred with the same brush as a minority of awful men. Now I actually think he hates women?

My ex said this. He turned violent. It was before Claire’s Law.

Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt. He hates women. He’s a nasty piece of work.

IButtleSir · 04/02/2025 06:42

I hope you're okay, @NoSmokeWithoutFire0.

Since you have kids, the next time you start seeing a man, do a Clare's Law application immediately. You will save yourself going through this horrible situation again.

EdithBond · 04/02/2025 07:15

He’s clearly concerned there’s information that may be disclosed to you.

It’s a worry you gave him the passcode to your phone. I’ve never had the passcode to my DP’s phone nor vice versa. Never.

How did this come about? Did you offer it straight up or did he ‘innocently’ asked for it to access your phone for something. If my kids or DP are looking at something on my phone and the password’s needed, they always expect me to put it in.

I don’t want to worry you but he could have taken lots of information about you, e.g. while you were asleep. If you have a significant amount of money in accounts, I’d check your bank’s advice for keeping it secure.

He could be a conman. Financial abuse.

Runingoncaffeine · 04/02/2025 07:55

Clare’s law exists for a reason.
Proceed with caution, or better yet, don’t proceed at all.

Janelle84 · 04/02/2025 08:09

Crikey, hes going to report you to police for provoking him? Wtf! Hes clutching at straws. There must be something on that record hes crapping himself about! No sane person would react this way!

look either way, whether the report is good/bad, i think this relationship is over. Hes shown you who he is

Pancakeorcrepe · 04/02/2025 08:16

I’m sorry but people like you do my head in. You have kids! What are you doing with a man like this? Clearly he has loads of red flags and isn’t even trying to hide them. You should have ran a mile ages ago. You don’t need a Claire’s Law request to see what a wrong’un he is! Just engage your brain.
Incidentally he is correct, in the sense that of course you can’t stay together if you have done a request like this. Simply because it means there is no trust! If there are sufficient issues to put in a Claire’s Law request, clearly the relationship is a no go.

bombastix · 04/02/2025 08:20

echt · 04/02/2025 01:55

If it's not been said already, he has an impressive grasp of the language of DV: "reactive abuse" not to mention "trying to provoke me" another woman just asking for it, eh?

"you'll be the next to accuse me" FFS how many are there?

I'm trying to imagine how the police would receive his complaint about a Clare's Law application. Not well I'd have thought.

Yes well pointed out. He sounds extremely manipulative. He's pretty much coiled up like a snake and said whatever he does next will be the result of your "abuse".

Don't let people like this into your life OP. I am sure he had an amazing sob story but this is the golden opportunity to get rid of him for good. He's already trying to enmesh you a drama as a result, this is how it starts and it can end very badly indeed.

MixDarling · 04/02/2025 08:21

Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.

^ There’s something very nasty about those words. And now he has reported you to the police. Just be glad it’s all over.

MixDarling · 04/02/2025 08:30

manysausages · 03/02/2025 22:48

I hope the police take this seriously and respond appropriately to protect you, seeing as this situation was entirely of their making. Sending a text that an abusive partner has the potential to see is sheer negligence.

I agree. The police should not be texting if it’s email contact only.

Anyway, focusing on the positives. It’s killed this relationship dead in the water. I hope OP moves on and recovers from all this as soon as possible.

Calyx72 · 04/02/2025 08:59

MsMarch · 03/02/2025 18:25

As arule of thumb, I take the view that if you've got to the point wher eyouo're considering a claire's law application, things are probably bad enough to leave anyway.

In this case, that is 100% true.

"I should be able to move on from horrible situations in my past" - no one performs a Claire's law application without some signs or hint that things aren't right. If he had genuinely moved on and changed poor behaviours, you wouldn't have done the application in the first place.

"I see the systems inability to protect individuals from false allegations as a continued form of abuse by those that make allegations and they can do so without ever having to be questioned or punished.” -What he's saying here is that you qwill 100% be told something but he is claiming whatever you're told is actually false. I'm not 100% sure exactly what is eligbible but I believe it's linked to whether or not the police consider disclosing the information as relevant to the applicant's safety. So it's not just "she said x" but more like, "she said x happened, he said y happened, our view was that x happened even though charges were not laid."

“Actually, the thought of you being able to sit next to me and think "I know something you that you don't know" makes me wretch." Complete bollocks. Anything in the application he would know aboutas he' dhave been questioned, arrested etc.
Also "makes me wretch" is melodramatic bullshit.

"Whether you go through with it or not, I'll never trust you in that regards. This is a thinly veiled threat - you are supposed to beg his forgivenness now, whie he uses this i as a stick to beat you with forever.

That's like me having full access to your gp records. Not even vaguelly similar.

Enjoy having a nosey into my past life anyway.” Passive aggressive bullshit.

Run while you still can.

This. Also it's 'retch' so he can't spell either.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 04/02/2025 09:03

I wish women would leave the first time they get red flags. These men really must pray on vulnerable women who have kids because no sane parent would hear about the ‘false allegations’ and stay.

fingerbobz · 04/02/2025 09:04

The wording of his text is pretty manipulative...that would give me the ick

The gut feeling you had is probably right

The fact you have considered even making a request is reason enough to get out

Leoislazy · 04/02/2025 09:12

Please don’t ever give someone the password to your phone.
Everything else has been said by previous posters so I won’t go into that. I don’t understand why you would do that, unless it was a long term partner (and by long term I mean 5 years). Our phones contain everything about us these days.

zeibesaffron · 04/02/2025 09:39

Hi OP - just checking in to make sure you are ok x

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/02/2025 09:39

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/02/2025 22:05

Your son or brother doesn't have a right to a girlfriend or wife. Women have the right not to be battered by men.

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Obvious to most, but that's not what @Redrosesposies asked.

Abusers can use that doubt as an excuse. Especially if it's a single incident that's unproven.

We know there are false accusations and would be understandably distressing @Redrosesposies if it's against a relative, but I guess it's best to still have it on the file just in case it's true.

If more accusations get on the file, even if unproven/ no charges, it would be enough to make someone think twice about being with that man/woman.

Unfortunately abusers can be very convincing and showing someone a file with numerous incidents doesn't mean they'll walk away.