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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife no longer interested in intimacy

351 replies

Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 11:25

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

OP posts:
chargeitup · 13/02/2025 19:36

@AtYourPleasure

And those people who don't really have the same level of enthusiasm for golf, should they be forced to play it more often just because their partner wants to?
If they love their partner then yes, playing golf a little more often than they would ideally want to because it would make their loved one happy is part of being in a loving relationship.

Not if they hated golf and never wanted to play golf ever again. But if they were ambivalent about it then yeah. Sometimes we do things purely for our loved ones

Catullus5 · 13/02/2025 20:12

Golf isn't a helpful metaphor. The only thing it has in common with sex is that something goes in a hole.

Cooking is a better metaphor. You can refuse to cook, ever, as is your right. Or you can make the minimum effort, as is also your right. Or you can treat your partner by cooking something delicious that you can enjoy together. The last is what relationships should be about.

Thisistyresome · 14/02/2025 06:23

AtYourPleasure · 13/02/2025 14:02

And those people who don't really have the same level of enthusiasm for golf, should they be forced to play it more often just because their partner wants to?

Obviously not. I was highlighting that is a bad example. It doesn't compare well in almost every way but the "fairly interested" standard was the part I found most amusing.

You could also consider that going to play golf is a discrete activity it doesn't link to most of the rest of your day. Sex normally links to the rest of your relationship. You could consider time commitment, most people who play golf tend to go and play 9 or 18 holes. You don't hear them saying they want and played 1 hole one day then 18 holes at 3 different courses in a row.

If you are trying to make an analogy about sex it should be something that fits in to a complex system, as that is what relationships are. Sex isn't a stand alone activity unrelated to the rest of a relationship.

Thisistyresome · 14/02/2025 06:27

CheekyHobson · 13/02/2025 15:50

Maybe I just have a busy life (like most mums of teens) but i definitely think once a month is reasonable interest, certainly compared to zero (which is the actual amount of interest I have in playing golf).

Sex may be a little different as it’s generally less hassle to organize to do, but my point was more that the OP keeps saying his wife has “no interest” in sex, when it’s obvious she does have some, just not as much as he wants.

And in my experience, if a wife is not all that excited about sex, and there’s no hormonal/medical reason for it, then she’s probably lost interest in large part because she feels a loss of connection to her husband.

See my comment above.

I was highlighting what a bad choice golf would be to compare to sex.

I would even say trying to define "reasonable interest" is a bit silly. For some people your example of once a month is fine for some people the sexless partner may prefer just ending het sexual part of the relationship if it is that frequency.

Going "this is an objective reasonable amount" is just silly.

Thisistyresome · 14/02/2025 06:38

CheekyHobson · 13/02/2025 16:39

To be fair, you can play golf by yourself, and in this particular case, the OP’s wife has explicitly suggested it’s fine for him to also play golf with someone else; he just doesn’t want to.

Edited

People keep saying this but I am curious to they actually believe it.

If you read the context this was thrown out in the heat of an argument, would you genuinely take that as a pass for OP to have another woman on the side? If a wife came on here with a story of her husband having a 5 tear affair she just discovered because she said "you can always get it elsewhere" 5.5 years earlier?

We may consider her stupid to say something like that in the heat of an argument, but are you sure you would consider his behaviour perfectly fine?

The issue here is that they are not engaging in a mature way to address the issues. If they had a sensible calm discussion where she said to him "I am OK with you [finding a FWB/having one night stands/having a full relationship on the side" that is a bit different.

LeilaLandi · 14/02/2025 07:12

Thisistyresome · 03/02/2025 12:42

Sounds like it is time to divorce. Neither of you sound happy in this situation.

She is not attracted to you and at this point you have the option of planning an amicable exit with the children carefully considered. The alternative is that things get drawn out and then someone does something that injects lots of negative emotion in to the situation.

Speak to a solicitor, think about a plan for how it would work, then perhaps go to marriage counselling with the intention of addressing how to separate and establish new lives where the kids are not adversely impacted.

I suspect you will both be happier with things ended. She is obviously having sex because she feels obligated and no one want to be on either side of that dynamic. It sounds like it is all up to you to plan the separation as she seems disinterested. I suggest you get on with the planning.

Absolutely this.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 14/02/2025 08:49

@OpenOliveCat "I've no idea why men come on Mumsnet because the answers are always a dissonant attack."

Yes, I'd like tyo know why they come here too. They're absolutely not interested in listening. They just

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 14/02/2025 09:20

@OpenOliveCat "I've no idea why men come on Mumsnet because the answers are always a dissonant attack."

The response to male posters is often different to the response to female posters on Mumsnet because unlike the female posters, who generally listen to the advice they're given, the male posters almost inevitably come here to whine and feel sorry for themself and try to get validation from women that they're justified in feeling entitled to sex with their wife. Witness the OP: he only responded to the few posts that somewhat agreed with him. He took on not a whit of the good advice, which was to understand female sexuality and make himself emotionally attractive to her.

Same with @Christl78, who persists in saying he's "deprived" despite it indicating a disgusting entitlement to sex. And he still literally thinks he's been tricked into a sexless marriage. He's not listening either. I spent quite some time listing practical things he could try to improve things, but no, he actually just wants to complain. He doesn't want solutions, he wants to feel angry and sorry for himself. I am 100% sure that he's also flinging around that same whiny self-pitying angrily entitled attitude at home. I am also 100% sure that his wife's libido has completely died because because of this attitude.

This repulsive male attitude is so prevalent, such a cliche, that Zawn Villines has written a post about it:

"Do heterosexual men actually want sex? Or do they just want to complain about it? When sex requires work, men would rather go without.... They keep emailing me about their lacking sex lives, too. How they’re being abused because they don’t get enough sex. How they think they’re going to get prostate cancer, or their balls are going to fall off. I tell them all the same thing: Women are very clear about what they want sexually, and what men can do to get more sex. We’ve been collectively shouting it from the rooftops for generations, and the individual women I talk to have spent a ton of time telling their partners what they need."

But all of this advice falls on deaf male ears. As Villines says, "These men don’t actually want mutually satisfying sex. In fact, they’d rather give up sex altogether than put in the work necessary to have a decent sex life. Why is that?... Men have thus defined sex as whatever it is they want. They claim to want to have sex with women, but they leave the perspective of women completely out of the sexual equation. Sex is for men. Sex is what men say it is. Sex should happen when men want it... The revelation that he might have to do work to get sex—foreplay, equitable participation in household labor, learning emotional intelligence, becoming a decent parent—is a shattering reality for many men. If you’ve grown up believing something is a right, being told you have to work for that “right,” and that even then you might not get it, you might get angry.
So to a man, it makes perfect sense to punish his partner for not wanting sex—to cry, to pout, to whine. She’s denying him a basic human right, something he has spent his entire life being told he is entitled to."

Women who don't have enough sex with their partners generally do NOT behave or think like these men. On average, they're more willing to work with their partner, or understand what is going on from his side, and they don't feel rapily entitled to their partner's body. So the advice that is given differs.

OpenOliveCat · 14/02/2025 09:50

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 14/02/2025 09:20

@OpenOliveCat "I've no idea why men come on Mumsnet because the answers are always a dissonant attack."

The response to male posters is often different to the response to female posters on Mumsnet because unlike the female posters, who generally listen to the advice they're given, the male posters almost inevitably come here to whine and feel sorry for themself and try to get validation from women that they're justified in feeling entitled to sex with their wife. Witness the OP: he only responded to the few posts that somewhat agreed with him. He took on not a whit of the good advice, which was to understand female sexuality and make himself emotionally attractive to her.

Same with @Christl78, who persists in saying he's "deprived" despite it indicating a disgusting entitlement to sex. And he still literally thinks he's been tricked into a sexless marriage. He's not listening either. I spent quite some time listing practical things he could try to improve things, but no, he actually just wants to complain. He doesn't want solutions, he wants to feel angry and sorry for himself. I am 100% sure that he's also flinging around that same whiny self-pitying angrily entitled attitude at home. I am also 100% sure that his wife's libido has completely died because because of this attitude.

This repulsive male attitude is so prevalent, such a cliche, that Zawn Villines has written a post about it:

"Do heterosexual men actually want sex? Or do they just want to complain about it? When sex requires work, men would rather go without.... They keep emailing me about their lacking sex lives, too. How they’re being abused because they don’t get enough sex. How they think they’re going to get prostate cancer, or their balls are going to fall off. I tell them all the same thing: Women are very clear about what they want sexually, and what men can do to get more sex. We’ve been collectively shouting it from the rooftops for generations, and the individual women I talk to have spent a ton of time telling their partners what they need."

But all of this advice falls on deaf male ears. As Villines says, "These men don’t actually want mutually satisfying sex. In fact, they’d rather give up sex altogether than put in the work necessary to have a decent sex life. Why is that?... Men have thus defined sex as whatever it is they want. They claim to want to have sex with women, but they leave the perspective of women completely out of the sexual equation. Sex is for men. Sex is what men say it is. Sex should happen when men want it... The revelation that he might have to do work to get sex—foreplay, equitable participation in household labor, learning emotional intelligence, becoming a decent parent—is a shattering reality for many men. If you’ve grown up believing something is a right, being told you have to work for that “right,” and that even then you might not get it, you might get angry.
So to a man, it makes perfect sense to punish his partner for not wanting sex—to cry, to pout, to whine. She’s denying him a basic human right, something he has spent his entire life being told he is entitled to."

Women who don't have enough sex with their partners generally do NOT behave or think like these men. On average, they're more willing to work with their partner, or understand what is going on from his side, and they don't feel rapily entitled to their partner's body. So the advice that is given differs.

Thank you for your response.
However Mumsnet advice is nearly always to LTB when a woman makes a similar complaint. Mumsnet always shows an in-group bias towards women.
That doesn't mean the advice is helpful.

This is why it's pointless for a man to come on this forum.

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 10:31

I completely agree @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

Crikeyalmighty · 14/02/2025 10:52

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta I think the thing is that many women simply go off sex beyond a certain age ( not all I know) which means that no matter what hoops the man jumps through his wife/partner simply no longer places an emphasis on it. And regardless of whether it's a man or woman if that's the situation then an honest discussion has to be had and decide if it's something you can accept as part of life or separate - because as a woman I can honestly say at 63 I'm no longer bothered - and if the choice for me was 'put out or else' I would be going with the 'or else' it's really not good for mental health continuing with things you don't want to do and yes I fully accept any blokes right to walk ( or woman's) if the lack of sex or not enough sex doesn't work for them

theallotmentqueen · 14/02/2025 14:44

chargeitup · 13/02/2025 19:36

@AtYourPleasure

And those people who don't really have the same level of enthusiasm for golf, should they be forced to play it more often just because their partner wants to?
If they love their partner then yes, playing golf a little more often than they would ideally want to because it would make their loved one happy is part of being in a loving relationship.

Not if they hated golf and never wanted to play golf ever again. But if they were ambivalent about it then yeah. Sometimes we do things purely for our loved ones

The problem with this metaphor is that there is a heavy amount of psychological damage that comes with having sex that you don't want to have compared to playing golf you don't want to play. Playing a round of golf won't psychologically harm you: having sex only because you feel pressured/like you 'owe' it to your partner can be incredibly distressing and really fuck with your sense of self and your boundaries.

AtYourPleasure · 14/02/2025 14:49

Can I just point out, I didn't come up with the golf metaphor!

StripyShirt · 14/02/2025 15:21

Leaving is your only realistic option. It's nobody's fault, you just have different needs that will never be reconciled.

I stayed in a similar relationship for several decades and eventually had a very brief 'thing' with someone out of desperation for intimacy. My partner and I eventually split several years later.

Don't get to that point - it's horrible for everyone - just go honourably.

Christl78 · 14/02/2025 18:40

You know all, I do wonder where the OP is. He hasn’t posted any updates.
I do wonder now whether:

  1. he is talking with some other women in the same situation as him in his DM
  2. hebis a narc and wanted to instigate this discussion only for narcissistic supply
Catullus5 · 14/02/2025 18:51

Possibly. Or the hostility made him clear off. There is always a lot of speculative, antagonistic nonsense on these threads that perhaps he realised wasn't worth his time to read.

CheekyHobson · 14/02/2025 18:55

AtYourPleasure · 14/02/2025 14:49

Can I just point out, I didn't come up with the golf metaphor!

I did and it wasn’t intended to be a serious metaphor or to be stretched out the way that it has!

I picked golf at random because the OP kept saying his wife had no interest in sex and I just wanted to make a point that if someone played golf (or went to a book club, or went surfing or whatever) 12-15 times a year, I would consider that fairly objectively clear evidence they had some interest in that activity.

Nothing more meant by it than that.

FWIW I play golf zero times a year because I actually have no interest in playing golf.

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 19:27

Catullus5 · 14/02/2025 18:51

Possibly. Or the hostility made him clear off. There is always a lot of speculative, antagonistic nonsense on these threads that perhaps he realised wasn't worth his time to read.

He sounds exactly like the sort of man that speaks at women but isn't interested in their replies tbf!

Catullus5 · 14/02/2025 20:33

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 19:27

He sounds exactly like the sort of man that speaks at women but isn't interested in their replies tbf!

You may be entirely correct, however, that is a little speculative 😀

Mumbodadhd · 15/02/2025 06:20

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 19:27

He sounds exactly like the sort of man that speaks at women but isn't interested in their replies tbf!

Unfortunately, it was dripping off his posts so sadly I agree. Not a lot of hope for that situation!

Seas164 · 15/02/2025 17:21

He didn't get the validation or the ego buffing he was looking for, nor the admiration for his neatly tended acreage of wild flower meadow, big job, or good dadding. Not nearly enough hero worship.

Or maybe he's busy catching up on all his favourite podcasts and well thumbed books and articles about how to improve your emotional connection with your wife and improve your sex life. One can hope.

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 08:05

Seas164 · 15/02/2025 17:21

He didn't get the validation or the ego buffing he was looking for, nor the admiration for his neatly tended acreage of wild flower meadow, big job, or good dadding. Not nearly enough hero worship.

Or maybe he's busy catching up on all his favourite podcasts and well thumbed books and articles about how to improve your emotional connection with your wife and improve your sex life. One can hope.

No they got the usual hypocritical advice ..
Man sexless relationship-his fault.
Woman sexless relationship-his fault.
😂😂

Seas164 · 16/02/2025 08:19

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 08:05

No they got the usual hypocritical advice ..
Man sexless relationship-his fault.
Woman sexless relationship-his fault.
😂😂

Again, for the people at the back, it's not a sexless relationship.

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 08:23

Seas164 · 16/02/2025 08:19

Again, for the people at the back, it's not a sexless relationship.

For clarification: it is for him...
This thread is about him and what he thinks and feels...

CheekyHobson · 16/02/2025 08:29

Seas164 · 16/02/2025 08:19

Again, for the people at the back, it's not a sexless relationship.

His problem is that he doesn’t get as much sex as he wants, not that his relationship is sexless. This is a small but critical difference.