Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

Never heard such wise words before, thank you.
It doesn’t mater what a man ever wants they are always in the wrong. If they want sex, or more so intimacy in the relationship, they are wrong! If they don’t want it, they are wrong!
Ive been in a sexless marriage for 40 years and an enforced celibacy for 30 of those years!…We are not even very good TV buddies, As I don’t even get a bloody choice of what channels to watch.
Why have I stuck around you may ask? First for our kids, and now the grandkids…
Do I miss sex, YES !!! But I miss the lack of intimacy EVRN MORE! It sounds very dramatic but I even considered ending it all a few times due to this.
If I had pressured my wife into having more intimacy which she never wanted, this would have been wrong
If I had an affair, that would have been wrong..
If I visited and paid for a lady of the night.. Wrong
If I used porn, and that feeling of being disgusted with myself. Also never fulfilling the desire for intimacy... Again wrong
If I leave the marriage today or had done so in the past after having two children and the devastation this would caused . Wrong wrong wrong!!
Yes two kids after less than 50 times in 40 years.
I was never told the truth from the very beginning of our relationship …. So please be very VERY honest and up front from the start it might just save a marriage, relationship or even a persons life!

"didn't"

@Girlypurplenurdle74 is right. Occupy yourself. Don't initiate sex. Take sex completely off the table. Live your life and allow your frustration with the relationship to be channelled into an active pursuit as opposed to bubbling over as resentment and sexual tension.

@Parker1984 The very best thing you can do is to join a gym and get yourself into amazing shape. Not only will you feel good about yourself, which will go a long way to repairing the damage that you are suffering with your mental health, but you will also be more attractive. Perhaps also get a haircut and spruce up the wardrobe at the same time, and shower twice a day, and you may find that women start taking notice of you when you are out and about and you'll develop a certain swagger that a man has when he is sexually desirable. And guess what? You may find that your wife's desire has been elicited.

And if not, your relationship will be in no worse shape than it is now, but you'll be an attractive prospect for another woman - which would be handy, as you would have confirmed that your marriage was over.

I once had a conversation with a male friend who confessed to cheating on his wife and their sexless relationship, in which he claimed that it was the best thing that he had ever done. The effort he made to woo and seduce the affair partner - the working out, the correcting of his posture, the care over his appearance, the pursuit of hobbies, the reading up on witty and interesting subjects, the flirting - made him attractive to his wife again, and led to the rekindling of their romance and relationship. To his mind, it saved their marriage.

It goes without saying that I do not condone cheating (!) but we could all try a little harder to retain a sense of self and remain attractive to our long-term partners to keep the magic alive.

Ok

@Backtobasic1
And this is why one should not stay in a relationship that makes one so unhappy. You’ll end up bitter.

There is nothing to be upfront about, relationship develop over time and maintaining emotional closeness is hard. Even harder when emotional intelligence and willingnedd to be open is lacking on one (or likely, both) sides.

Most posters including me tried to explore what might have been the reason behind op wife’s attitude and provided personal experience and insight into the issue, nothing more.

The status quo is the status quo, if you don’t like it, you always have the options to leave. You can not make her want to have more frequent sex with you, which leaves the ball firmly in your court.

Why stay? All you've done here is accept a life you clearly aren't happy with and missed out on finding joy with someone else.

You say it is always the man that is wrong. But actually if you reverse the genders in your post they apply equally to a woman too. In fact I think a woman splitting up a marriage due to lack of sex or having an affair would be judged more harshly by some people. Potentially her own children

@Gymbunny2025

You say it is always the man that is wrong. But actually if you reverse the genders in your post they apply equally to a woman too. In fact I think a woman splitting up a marriage due to lack of sex or having an affair would be judged more harshly by some people. Potentially her own children
Not often on MN. Usually in here a woman complaining that her dp isn't interested in sex will be told to leave. That life is too short for bad sex and that he's being abusive for making her feel shit about herself. It he's gay. He must be gay according to MN

Ha ha I was referring to real life

Nope, not in here, as a woman you can have an affair, find your husband has cancer, state you need to end the affair, make it all about yourself and somehow still get a fairly large support network. If the OP hasn’t read this then he probably should and realise that a mixed view is of course healthy but there are some views and opinions that possibly add less value than others.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5263409-no-judgement-please?page=1

OP, I think in your case an open marriage might be a solution.
You said that she entertains the idea? She said you can find someone else? Do it.
I think sex deprivation is abuse, unless of course the other party has health issues etc.
Find a woman who is in a similar situation ie married, sexless marriage, kids, comfortable life etc and has a lot to lose If she splits.
Don’t allow yourself to be used as a provider only. I think you are being taken advantage. You are far too young to remain celibate.

Jesus. Nobody owes anyone sex. Including in marriage.

Thinking like that - and all the petulant shitty infantile passive-aggressive or outright mean and rude behavior that no doubt results from it - means that you are forcing your wife agree to unwanted consensual sex, which is on the road to coercive rape and it is just absolutely UGLY.

AND it's also so completely counterproductive - who wants to have sex with a whiner?

You do not have the right to your wife's vagina. Ever. If you think you're just a purse, leave your wife and spend your purse on sex with prostitutes.

Agreed. None owes sex but also none has the right to deprive someone of it. It is absolute torture.

In the OPs case, they seem to have a nice stable life, and splitting would be too messy and disrupt their kids lives. Keep having the once a month sex (which I guess she is not even in the mood for that ie average) and let him have it with someone else who wants him.

I know a couple who has done it. In this case the issue comes from the man. He wants it once per 1 month/two months, she wants it 1-3 times a day.

I am talking from the point of view of a woman who was in a sexless marriage. It is an absolute torture. Mind you, in my case he cheated. He wouldn’t sleep with me but he would watch porn and sleep elsewhere. I am signing divorce papers this Thursday. Over the moon.

A lot of advice on this thread has advised this guy to leave.

The issue is your entitlement.

No one,male or female is entitlement to sex with someone.

Sex should only come with full enthusiastic consent.

I can't imagine anything more unappealing than a man whining because he's not getting 'enough'.

You should go to counselling and listen to one another fully and without judgement.

I think for now you need to take sex off the table completely.

What a load of BS. Easy to say If you have low libido.

None is “entitled” to it but everyone has the right to it. And none has the right to deprive one of it. For sure. For some of us sex is important.

Sex is life. Making love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. None has the right to take advantage of you financially, make you meet their needs and then, after they have got married to you and got what they wanted, deprive you of it. This is subtle abuse.

Of course because people don't change. Their needs don't ever change. 🙄 Someone who doesn't want sex is an abuser. They must have sex even if they don't want to because their spouse says they must otherwise it's abuse. Sex deprivation is abuse.

@Christl78 codswallop.

No, they have the right to not want sex. What they don’t have the right to do is to deprive their spouse of it. And I’m sorry but “chore” sex once every three weeks sucks.
Mind you, somehow, these people who don’t want sex, somehow they end up having an affair.

Here are some other things you aren't entitled to from your spouse.

Doing the dishes
Cleaning
Cooking
Holding down a job
If he holds down a job, recieving money from him.
A kiss on the cheek
Giving him a kiss on the cheek
His attention
Childcare
School runs
Managing money
Sharing a hobby
A present on your birthday / Christmas / wedding anniversary / St Valentine's Day

You aren't entitled to any of those things. You aren't obliged to provide them either. Your rights as an individual are paramount.

Good luck conducting a relationship that way.

@Parker1984

If you have a look at the Natsal 3 you will see that 3x in 4 weeks is the national average. So you are 1 in 4 which is not miles off. Equally your only asking for a small increase no every day.

The problem is you’re not having the sex you want and your wife is having the sex she needs if this isn’t just maintenance sex to appease you.

The whole thing sounds miserable for both of you. You have covered all the usual things that men get asked ie half the household labour and non sexual intimacy.You sound like you both have a nice life that would be a shame to burn it down because the sexual mis match but it has been going on a while.

I know you were asked further up thread what you had read and listened to and you weren’t prepared to disclose which is fine but I would be interested in what angle you’ve gone with as I believe you’re situation can be turned around if you BOTH want to.

Your welcome to pm me if you so wish x

I really don't get how the above is so misunderstood. Of course nobody is entitled to sex, but for most people it is an integral part a long-term, monogamous relationship. Just like giving gifts, having conversations in the evenings, being considerate of each other, giving emotional support when your partner has had a bad day, and countless other things that make up a romantic relationship. If I informed my partner that we would no longer be talking in the evenings about anything other than essential practical matters and that I only wanted to spend time together once a month, there is no way I would expect the relationship to survive.

I think these comments come from people with low libido who cannot comprehend what a torture being deprived of sex is.

well that would be because the world in general and sex in particular is completely different for men and women. Women are less likely to be porn addicts for one thing.

In both cases though, I would say leave.

We have marital rape laws now. Everyone has “the right” to deprive their spouse of sex. The spouse has the right to leave, though.