Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

That’s exactly the reason many women don’t get married or get divorced in their 40s. They cannot continue being taken for granted or taken advantage of. You emd up providong labor and receiving almost nothing back.

Back to topic

I don't think she loves you, she finds your marriage convenient. It provides her with a suitable lifestyle and for this she puts up with you. She doesn't want you she wants what you provide and would rather you backed off. Sexually you'll get the crumbs she allows but I suspect this is to shut you up rather than her want of sex. Perhaps she's getting it elsewhere perhaps not but a loving caring sexual relationship is not on the cards for you.

@Parker1984 can I ask genuinely do you want sex with your wife because you desire her, or do you just want sex to scratch and itch so to speak.

I would love to ask my husband this but not possible

@Christl78

"What a load of BS. Easy to say If you have low libido.

None is “entitled” to it but everyone has the right to it. And none has the right to deprive one of it. For sure. For some of us sex is important.

Sex is life. Making love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. None has the right to take advantage of you financially, make you meet their needs and then, after they have got married to you and got what they wanted, deprive you of it. This is subtle abuse"

You clearly didn't like my reply statement that no one;male or female is entitled to sex.

You're reply to my post indicates that you seem to think if a spouse provides for another spouse financial then they should be given sex.

Things don't work that way;as I've already said sex should come with full enthusiastic consent;it is NOT transactional;money doesn't entitled someone to sex;this man's wife is not an escort.

To suggest a woman should provide a man with sex because he pays for more things than her is foul.

No, I am not saying that by no means.
What I am saying is that in a relationship there should be two equal partners. And what I am also saying is that sex deprivation can be due to medical reasons but could also be due to manipulation/abuse.
Someone could marry a man/woman out of self interest and then withdraw sex, once they get what they want (money, status etc). This could be a man or a woman.
What I am saying is that it seems that many people on this thread view sex as not necessary for a relationship and “attack” the OP because he still has a libido. I’m sorry this is lack of empathy. You have to understand that many people still have loads of desire and not getting it feels like a torture. You wake up in the morning and you just want to be touched and it just doesn’t happen. As a friend of mine told me, she was waking up in the morning and was literally feeling pain in her genitals becasue she had so deep desire and he wouldn’t touch her (this was a man who was 15 years her senior and cheated on her. While he wouldn’t have sex with her…). And tou don’t want to cheat, you don’t want to split your family unit, so what do you do?
What I am saying is that those people who deprive their partner of sex are not necessarily innocent. And with all the respect, If I had lost my libido I would do something about it or let my pertber go.

Just has no interest sexually

IDK, if someone chose to play golf 12-16 times a year, I would say they are fairly interested in playing golf. Just because you would like to play golf 50-100 times a year, doesn’t mean they have no interest at all.

I agree with others that there is a definite subtle tone of contempt for your wife in your posts, and she will likely have picked up on this. You also say nothing about your emotional relationship with her You should do some serious reflection on this.

For women in long-term relationships, emotional intimacy is an absolute precursor to wanting physical intimacy. My physical intimacy with my ex died in large part because the emotional intimacy died first and he had zero interest in or understanding of how to rebuild it.

Now I am in a relationship where our emotional intimacy is excellent and by god he gets laid a lot.

*let my partner go

Excellent post 👏 (I don't think OP is listening though. In fact I don't think he wanted advice at all from the time of his posts. Odd!)

@Christl78 "What I am saying is that it seems that many people on this thread view sex as not necessary for a relationship and “attack” the OP because he still has a libido. I’m sorry this is lack of empathy. You have to understand that many people still have loads of desire and not getting it feels like a torture. You wake up in the morning and you just want to be touched and it just doesn’t happen. As a friend of mine told me, she was waking up in the morning and was literally feeling pain in her genitals becasue she had so deep desire and he wouldn’t touch her (this was a man who was 15 years her senior and cheated on her. While he wouldn’t have sex with her…). And tou don’t want to cheat, you don’t want to split your family unit, so what do you do?
What I am saying is that those people who deprive their partner of sex are not necessarily innocent. And with all the respect, If I had lost my libido I would do something about it or let my pertber go."

It is also lack of empathy - to say the least! - to coerce (by whining, being angry and stroppy and mean) someone into having unwanted consensual sex. It's an invasion of their body, their physical autonomy, and it can in the long run be as harmful mentally and psychologically as coercive and outright rape. Say you're a heterosexual man with no homosexual inclinations: how would you feel if you had to put up with your anus being rammed by an unwanted penis 3 times a month to keep the peace? You'd feel sick with revulsion and it would seriously harm your mental well-being. That's what women feel when they have to engage repeatedly in unwanted consensual sex.

People - women AND men - can lose their libido and it's not trickery or intentional. Sometimes they lose it because of illness or aging or menopause (men also go through menopause!), some because their partner doesn't attract them anymore. And btw being relentlessly whined at by a peevish angry partner who thinks his sexual desire is more important than your bodily autonomy is extremely icky and a major turnoff.

Saying that your wife is 'depriving' you of sex indicates that you do not understand what consent is. The rules of consent pertain everywhere, including in marriage. Sex should be enthusiastically consented to, and it ends or doesn't begin if the other party isn't feeling it. Your wife does not owe you sex. Nor should she be coerced into taking drugs or getting therapy in the hopes of increasing her libido so that you can get your leg over more.

There have been many posts on this thread from women explaining what the husband who wants more sex can ethically do. For example,

• fundamentally change his attitude that he's entitled to sex with his wife (eg I bring in the money, she owes me sex <-- that is forcing your wife to be a prostitute, and it is utterly disgusting and rapey, stop it)
• stop demanding sex and putting any pressure
• stop being a peevish unattractive dick when sex isn't wanted by your wife
• read what other women say about loss of libido, and why it happened, and what changed it
• read about what sex means to women, how women see it (eg emotional connection is often vital for women - and btw many women love sex just as much as men do, but most don't like being treated as cum receptacles)
• make yourself emotionally (and physically) attractive to your wife

And if you don't feel like going to all that 'bother', you should leave the marriage. It's really that simple.

Unless a woman writes the thread, the answers would likely be completely different. Leaving a marriage is not simple; it impacts every aspect of both parties, their immediate families, and extended families for generations. Furthermore, it affects the social structure in which we live.
I've no idea why men come on Mumsnet because the answers are always a dissonant attack.

Well, this woman though gladly accepts this “unwanted penis” to pay for the bills, offer a lavish lifestyle and do 50% of the house chores.

In any case I am not only referring to the OP and not only to men but women who are deprived of sex as well. And there are many of us.
I think that sex is an integral part of a relationship. People have the right to not want it, people have the right to want it. If these wants do not match then there are only 4 solutions:

1. Split
2. Open the marriage
3. Continue living in misery
4. Try marriage counselling/sex therapy/visit soctor to see If something improves. In OPs case I think that’s the next step. If it doesn’t work the. It’s 1-3.

I know 😂.
If the post was by a woman almost everyone would be saying LTB

Where is the OP btw?

@OpenOliveCat I suspect that the reason a lot of men come on mumsnet to moan about their (perceived) lack of sex despite them having a job and parenting their own kids (!), is not to listen to women's perspectives. As they don't! I think it's because they're hoping lots of women slide into their DMs and say me too- fancy helping each other out there 😂

I couldn't imagine many men wanting to slide into the DM's of some posters.😂

😂😂😂
Hadn’t thought about it but could be😄

@Gymbunny2025 yes I suspect this too - I do remember several posters commenting on getting guys 'DM' them after commenting on lack of sexin their relationships

If we get back to the OP....

He isn't in a sexless marriage. He isn't being deprived of anything. He is having sex with his wife. He just wants more.

Is he wrong for wanting more? No. Is she wrong for wanting less? No.

His wife has given him the option of going elsewhere. Many men would be over the moon if their wives gave them the green light to shag someone else. The OP has said he's a good guy and attractive. I'm sure he won't have a problem finding a harem of women to satisfy his wants.

She didn’t really “give the green light to shag someone else.”
I don’t think a comment thrown out in an argument would really be seen as a pass to go and have an affair. If a wife came on here saying “my husband cheated because I made a comment in an argument” that would be seen as a stupid thing to say but not a free pass for him.
The issue here is they are not engaging in a mature discussion about the problem. If she is really ok with him going elsewhere, then that needs to be discussed calmly. There doesn’t seem to be a wish to engage in a constructive manner from either of them.

Not sure I would see someone playing golf 12 times a year as fairly interested. But perhaps I know people with a different level of interest in activities. 12 times a year sounds like someone who does it for work networking purposes. Fairly interested would be above 24 times…
A silly activity to engage in but those who like it do actually play it regularly.

And those people who don't really have the same level of enthusiasm for golf, should they be forced to play it more often just because their partner wants to?

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes

What this mean, a problem for you? What happens if you go over three weeks to four ... ?

Maybe I just have a busy life (like most mums of teens) but i definitely think once a month is reasonable interest, certainly compared to zero (which is the actual amount of interest I have in playing golf).

Sex may be a little different as it’s generally less hassle to organize to do, but my point was more that the OP keeps saying his wife has “no interest” in sex, when it’s obvious she does have some, just not as much as he wants.

And in my experience, if a wife is not all that excited about sex, and there’s no hormonal/medical reason for it, then she’s probably lost interest in large part because she feels a loss of connection to her husband.

agreed on the priority list. She is number 2 and i am probably scraping in to the top 10 maybe.

There's your answer. She's happy with what she has, and she's no longer interested in you.

Honestly. Tell her how you feel. Might be time to find somebody who prioritises you.

No, but the problem with that analogy is that the partner who wants to play golf cannot ethically play golf with anyone else. This doesn't mean anyone should be forced to play golf, but the partner who wants to play golf and cannot play it eventually ends up wanting to find someone else to play golf with

To be fair, you can play golf by yourself, and in this particular case, the OP’s wife has explicitly suggested it’s fine for him to also play golf with someone else; he just doesn’t want to.