Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

OP already does number 3 with the "my expecations...", "...it's not fair.", "...it's been over a month...". "celibacy is unacceptable", "...I have tolerated it..."., etc.
Almost every post from the OP reeks of entitlement.

I don't think I know any women who would be eager to jump a man's bones who has that attitude towards sex. It's such a massive turn off. No wonder his wife lost interest.

Ok. Then whicb law:

1. Protects a man from a woman who marries him because he is a provider, takes advantage of him, has his kids and then once she gets what she wants deprives him of sex and tells him to leave If he doesn’t like it, knowing that she will get 50% of everything he has
2. Which law protects a woman from a man who marries her, has kids with her and once he gets what he wants he uses her as nanny/maid/cleaner/financial contributor, depriving her of sex (while he has affairs). If she doesn’t comply she ends up raising the kids on her own.

Physical intimacy is 50% in a relationship. End of story. If for medical reasons you can’t have it, then allow your spouse to have ot elsewhere. Or why not, walk away but allow him/her to keep 80% of common assets. Isn’t this fair?

Physical intimacy is 50% in a relationship. End of story. If for medical reasons you can’t have it, then allow your spouse to have ot elsewhere. Or why not, walk away but allow him/her to keep 80% of common assets. Isn’t this fair?

Eh?

I think this minimises how awful it can feel to be coerced into unwanted sex (even just increased frequency). It is not comparable to having a conversation or buying a gift. Do some men really think it is?!

Why “Eh?”.

Some people in here behave as If sex is something dirty and abnornal to want. I am sorry but your low libido doesn’t entitle you to depriving someone of sex and their assets.
So, walk away woth 20% of the assets. Why not? You are not in for the money after all?

“Coerced into unwanted sex”. Wow - donyou think it is normal being married to someone you actually don’t desire? Let him go

@Christl78 peoples desire changes throughout their lives and marriage. I don't think there's anything normal or abnormal about wanting it 3 times a day or once every 3 weeks.

But saying a spouse should lose assets in divorce if they don't put out when requested makes them nothing more than a prostitute!

These threads are always the same.
Posters believe their experience is universal for women in marriage. Flowers and household tasks will not resurrect the bedroom for these two. I've no doubt this has been an issue from the beginning. It's just nonsense.

Some people place a high value on sex and expect their partner to maintain the same level of intimacy as at the beginning of the relationship. While sexual desire may ebb and flow, it serves as a foundational cornerstone for many. If two people are similar then sex is never an issue.
Conversely, other individuals view sex merely as a utility and do not consider it a priority in a relationship. Preferring security via material assets.

In the case presented by the original poster (OP), this perspective reflects the latter viewpoint. They face two choices: either liquidate all their assets, hoping to find someone who desires a weekly sexual connection, or stay in the current marriage and keep their assets intact, accepting a sexual frequency of once a month. I suspect that if this continues, sexual intimacy may cease altogether soon.

No, what I am saying is that very often people marry for the wrong reasons and once they get what they want and have trapped their spouse they start to withdraw certain aspects of the relationship, like sex. But where can their poor wife/husband go when there are kids and assets in the middle? Where can a wife who is financially dependent go? They have to demolish their whole life and that of their kids.

There is nothing to suggest his wife trapped him! Presumably they both wanted kids? They both work. Both were happy with their sex lives i imagine pre kids/life getting in the way.

I agree it sounds like they've built a nice life together, I'm sure their kids are happy. It sounds like he is happy (with his wildflower meadow and dahlias 😍) Personally I wouldn't leave. Just work on a compromise that doesn't involve moaning at her!!

You wouldn’t leave personally because you may not know how it feels wanting sex 3 times a day and getting it once a month (If any).

I am not talking specifically about his wife “trapping” him. However, it is something that happens. A narcissist (man or woman) finds someone who is a good provider and offers them good life/status etc and then, as soon as they have taken what they want they withdraw sex. And very often have an affair. There are people who live parasitically on other offering nothing in return.

Are you suggesting people who want sex less frequently as they get older or their relationship becomes decades old are narcissists? Thats quite a jump!

I'm having a cheeky mid week night away later so I can definitely see both pov 😉

To be honest this sounds like you are making excuses for not acting.

If you stayed for the kids then leave as soon as they are out of the house. Your grandkids don't need you to be together. Many grand kids have few grand parents left.

You sound like you are stuck in a rut you chose to stay in and are afraid to leave.

I'm "eh?" At the fact that you state that sex is 50% of a relationship. I'm not sure how you arrived at that figure, and decided it's the % that applies to all relationships.

And that if the sex falls below 50%, then you waive your right to 50% of the assets.

It's transactional. It's coercive imo.

Weird to interpret it the way you did.

Everyone has the right to refuse. That is where your rights end.

A "right to deprive" would suggest a bit more than control over yourself is suggests control over the other partner. That doesn't exist.

Not to all relationships. To many people though it does. And you can’t waive this right just because your libido is low. Which by the way some people discover after they have got marred, had kids and trapped the “provider” to cover all their needs.

So leave then. What exactly is it you're asking? You're not happy with the level of intimacy your wife is comfortable with, so do what she says and find it elsewhere by leaving.

I was explaining to a man recently how women can get emotionally and mentally drained and the desire for sex can dwindle or disappear and his response was "I don't understand it because hookers clearly don't have a problem when they're emotionally drained." When I pointed out that hookers were being exploited, used and certainly not enjoying it, the response was "but they're still doing it."

That's what some, maybe all, men think about women.

I can understand how it would be frustrating to no longer be having the sex you want. But there are many different reasons why women lose their libido (and it can be frustrating forcthem too). We can explain this to men until we're blue in the face about but they don't hear us. We just get told we're con artists who tricked men into marriage or LTR's. Or that we should be more like hookers.

Perhaps the OP, or others in a similar situation, should have stated their wants very clearly before committing to a LTR or marriage. "As a man, I expect you, my wife, to fuck me 3 times per week. It doesn't matter what you're going through or how you're feeling. It doesn't matter if you aren't in the mood. You must fuck me 3 times a week because I'm entitled to it."

OP:

Have you read up / listened up on Responsive Desire in women?
Responsive Desire in Women: If You’re Never In The Mood That’s Normal

She also has a Podcast on Spotify.
Might be useful for gaining understanding of your wife's perspective.
Nobody is right or wrong here.

This is such a good question - hygiene has a lot to do with it for me, morning breath is 🤮

But op can just leave then if he doesn’t want to be deprived. They are not a compatible couple anymore and that is no one’s fault.

And I don’t think it was weird to interpret that poster that way in the context of their other posts- and, indeed, the rest of that post. I don’t think they like women very much tbh.

I agree that the best response here is leaving. Neither of them seem to be suited to make this work, they haven’t managed a mature approach to it.

If you don’t see a “right to deprive” is an odd thing to say is OK, then try this. If I had the “right to deprive you of light” that is obviously not just choosing to not bringing you a torch when you want one, it suggests something far more controlling.

Rights are things that can be enforced by some external body. People don’t have an obligation to act themselves, but they have no control over others behaviour.

The title says intimacy but the post is about sex?

Surely this is the root of your problem.

You say you have a good job. She only works 3 days a week because you provide. Do you say this to her and compare her job to yours? It comes across kinda condescending in your op. Lots of us women work because we take satisfaction from being more than 'just' a wife and mother. I'm getting vibes she may feel you see her as wife and mother not herself of equal value to you.

You say you care for the kids and do housework. Are you expecting regular recognition for this from her? Announcing what you have done. Is it coming up in these regular arguments you have trying to pressure her into sex? I do more than other men so you must service me kinda vibes? Do you thank her for all she does? She only gets 3 days a week working after all so she's on parenting shift more than you.

If you genuinely want to fix this stop nagging her. Stop thinking you are great and deserve sex. Stop calling what you want intimacy when you mean sex. Woo her again. Take sex off the table and still make the effort to make her feel loved and special so she knows you love her not just trying to get sex. If she feels loved and valued there is nothing sexier and she will probably come to you after she's had time to trust the changes are genuine.

Maybe get some councilling to address why she's feeling she doesn't want sexual connection with you. Address why she's said go shag someone else because that's not a sign of a healthy relationship. Tackle this as improve the health of the whole relationship not how to fix the sex

Yes, and then the woman can say, ok then you can pay me higher end prostitute rates for every sexual act, including kissing and hugging, and I will also charge you for everything I do in the service of our coupledom, including surrogate rates for each pregnancy and payments for the risk nd consequences of short term and long term injury from pregnancy and birth. I will also charge you for every bit of household labor I do and I will get personal assistance rates for all the mental labor I will expend in effectively running the home.

Most men cannot financially afford the labor that women provide them with gratis - out of love - and in fact they often take all that labour and love completely for granted and even look down on it.

If men want to be transactional, so too can women. It won't go the way these entitled men are thinking, because they have completely inflated their self worth.