Page 10 | He never replied

SerenaVanDerW · 2025-02-01T11:20:39+00:00

26F. He’s 30. Vibing recently through a new friend group. I can tell he might be interested. anyway, I texted him to see if he wants dinner at the weekend (so yes I initiated it) He immediately replied ‘Yes!’ within 30 seconds and suggested a restaurant. ended up texting back and forth every 30 mins because the first restaurant is closed and trying to come up with another restaurant but either fully booked or closed or waitlisted. He tried to book one of them and waitlisted. he then suggested another restaurant, which as always happy with whatever really. He then never replied after that. This was last night at 9pm. im sitting here thinking- - Does he want me to book this? - why hasn’t he replied? - Does he still want to go tomorrow? - does he want me to suggest a restaurant? Bc I have a few restaurants in mind. - I don’t want to double text him… but should I say- what about X restaurant? any advice would be great!

Zonder · 01/02/2025 23:41

Poor bloke. Takes 3 hours to reply and is doomed to being labelled a no go on MN! He could have been playing a footie match, taking his granny shopping, volunteering at a good bank or anything in that time. I often go 3 hours without checking my phone.

In his shoes I would assume we had fixed the time so no need to rush to sort anything else urgently.

Uol2022 · 01/02/2025 23:53

wrongthinker · 01/02/2025 18:19

When you're in the middle of a text convo with someone you're interested in and trying to arrange a date with, no, of course you don't put your phone down and forget about it for hours. Not if you actually like them.

People not being able to understand this maybe got together with their partner before texting was a thing.

That’s just not true for everyone. My partner and I are both bad at replying to messages. It’s incredibly easy to get distracted by something else. And yes, even at the start, when trying to arrange dates, or in the middle of a text conversation, sometimes the thread would get dropped for hours. I am very sure that didn’t correlate with a lack of interest on either side. I liked him more than I’ve ever liked anyone, I was totally besotted. Still managed to not reply to messages.

If you like someone and you have reason to think they like you then adding in all these rules about playing hard to get or you must reply within x minutes or whatever is unhelpful. It’s not “self respect” to lie about being busy because you’re pissed off he took time to reply. I think it demonstrates more self respect to assume that if someone says they want dinner with you it’s because they actually do!

wrongthinker · 02/02/2025 00:29

I think you and your partner having a very similar communication style is key there, @Uol2022

I think men who are into you don't drop out mid-conversation. Men who aren't that into you but are happy enough to have you as an option do it all the time. Take it from someone who has dated a lot!

It's a shit test. I.e. how much does she like me and what can I get away with?

And if it's not, and he's just someone who forgets he's having a conversation, then it sounds like he and OP are not suited, as his behaviour causes her anxiety and confusion.

So either way, her best move is to take a step back and see if he takes a step forward. Dating and flirting is about each of you taking those steps in turn. Give a little, get a little. If he's not giving anything, then OP giving more is a terrible idea. Step back and let him make his move.

wrongthinker · 02/02/2025 00:34

I think it demonstrates more self respect to assume that if someone says they want dinner with you it’s because they actually do!

Look at actions, not words. Anyone can say anything. It's how they behave that actually counts. Respond to their behaviour, not their words.

bureaucracymine · 02/02/2025 01:51

I think the dating scene depends on location, age, life stage, perceived options etc.

I'd assume nowadays, a guy of 30 who was open to dating would be on the apps....if they're considered a good prospect and reasonable social skills and available (career taking off, no children, time to socialise) often they're completely overwhelmed with potential options.

Certainly most of the Ok guys I knew who were 30, tended to have a pool of ok women/options to choose from. Or at least think they did, or felt they could do well as their career improved. I assume this guy is doing Ok if he's looking at picking waitlisted restaurants and not just a drink at nearest pub...

Often they had a few women whose company they enjoyed and who they hung out with and vibed with emotionally but didn't really see anything going further. Technically FWBs I suppose.

If they were just shy, but really keen on a relationship, and preferred to let the woman make the first move, it would have happened in their 20's. University/early-career women are very determined!

So unless the guys are clearly completely blown away (heavily dropping hints about availability or how they've just broken up with someone) I'd be quite wary of chasing after one.

Original poster

SerenaVanDerW · 02/02/2025 16:29

Hi everyone. thanks for all the comments! Very helpful indeed.

we ended up changing dinner plans to lunch due his car in garage.

Was a bit of a let down to be honest. I was expecting more chemistry but it was more friendly than anything. Before him, I dated this guy for 2 months, and chemistry was insane, couldn’t wait to see each other all the time but due to timing, stages in life and complicated family, I decided to part ways and be friends.whereas this guy, it was OK, good chat, pleasant conversations. Similar stages in life, good career, no family complications.

I don’t think it has anything to do with me, but more where he sees himself in 5 years time. He wants to move closer to his brother and parents which is in another city (200 miles away); whereas I want to move closer into central London.

I certainly thinks he finds me attractive and potentially a good prospect career wise . However I sense that because of his fixed ideology/ plan to move back north in a short few years, I sensed some hesitation in dating anyone serious in the big city here.

He initiated the bill at lunch. Split bill. After lunch, I said I fancied a dessert and was going to go by myself. I said if he needs to rush home or have things to do feel free to head now. He said he’s happy to go with me for dessert. Stayed another 1.5h in a dessert place and he initiated the bill (he had to pick up his car from the garage) Said goodbye kind of awkwardly. No hug, Just said- I’ll see you at X’s get together (my friend’s get together).

so that’s that. Having said that, I’m open to another meet up but not bothered at the same time. I don’t think I’ll initiate again.

OP posts:

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 16:32

I certainly thinks he finds me attractive and potentially a good prospect career wise . However I sense that because of his fixed ideology/ plan to move back north in a short few years, I sensed some hesitation in dating anyone serious in the big city here.

and you got this from a lunch?!
and why would you be a good prospect career wise?

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 16:33

Definitely don’t initiate again!! Ball firmly in his court but seems like he sowed the seeds for nothing further

Allthenameshavegone1972 · 02/02/2025 16:34

Good for you. At least you know now. If you hadn't gone then you would always be wondering what might have been x

Original poster

SerenaVanDerW · 02/02/2025 16:34

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 16:32

I certainly thinks he finds me attractive and potentially a good prospect career wise . However I sense that because of his fixed ideology/ plan to move back north in a short few years, I sensed some hesitation in dating anyone serious in the big city here.

and you got this from a lunch?!
and why would you be a good prospect career wise?

Just a hunch. Can’t be sure. Just a guess. Certainly sensed hesitation.

OP posts:

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 16:36

SerenaVanDerW · 02/02/2025 16:34

Just a hunch. Can’t be sure. Just a guess. Certainly sensed hesitation.

Show quote history

Oh no I don’t doubt he’s hesitant

I’m asking about why on earth you would help his career prospects?

Original poster

SerenaVanDerW · 02/02/2025 16:40

TicklishRubyCritic · 02/02/2025 16:36

Oh no I don’t doubt he’s hesitant

I’m asking about why on earth you would help his career prospects?

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Typo, trying to say too many things at the same time and copy and paste error. Mean I have a good career.

OP posts:

Tubs11 · 02/02/2025 16:41

Bubblyb00b · 01/02/2025 22:01

Your story is lovely and made me feel all fuzzy ))

My experience of inviting someone out ended up in a long and draining situation where I was in love and he gave me all in words but in practice treated me like a weekend fuck buddy.

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You may have asked him out but equally you could have had that experience with someone who asked you out. Finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is not an instant or easy process imo so why not have fun along the way, you never know where it might lead.

Original poster

SerenaVanDerW · 02/02/2025 16:45

Bubblyb00b · 01/02/2025 22:01

Your story is lovely and made me feel all fuzzy ))

My experience of inviting someone out ended up in a long and draining situation where I was in love and he gave me all in words but in practice treated me like a weekend fuck buddy.

Show quote history

Oh dear! I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s terrible!

OP posts:

enkelt2 · 02/02/2025 16:54

SerenaVanDerW · 02/02/2025 16:29

Hi everyone. thanks for all the comments! Very helpful indeed.

we ended up changing dinner plans to lunch due his car in garage.

Was a bit of a let down to be honest. I was expecting more chemistry but it was more friendly than anything. Before him, I dated this guy for 2 months, and chemistry was insane, couldn’t wait to see each other all the time but due to timing, stages in life and complicated family, I decided to part ways and be friends.whereas this guy, it was OK, good chat, pleasant conversations. Similar stages in life, good career, no family complications.

I don’t think it has anything to do with me, but more where he sees himself in 5 years time. He wants to move closer to his brother and parents which is in another city (200 miles away); whereas I want to move closer into central London.

I certainly thinks he finds me attractive and potentially a good prospect career wise . However I sense that because of his fixed ideology/ plan to move back north in a short few years, I sensed some hesitation in dating anyone serious in the big city here.

He initiated the bill at lunch. Split bill. After lunch, I said I fancied a dessert and was going to go by myself. I said if he needs to rush home or have things to do feel free to head now. He said he’s happy to go with me for dessert. Stayed another 1.5h in a dessert place and he initiated the bill (he had to pick up his car from the garage) Said goodbye kind of awkwardly. No hug, Just said- I’ll see you at X’s get together (my friend’s get together).

so that’s that. Having said that, I’m open to another meet up but not bothered at the same time. I don’t think I’ll initiate again.

Good update OP.

Teanbiscuits33 · 02/02/2025 16:56

Avoiding ‘double texting’ means don’t chase, if they haven’t answered your first message don’t text them again trying to get their attention because it comes across as needy and clingy. Asking if someone is still up for the plan you made doesn’t really count in that because there’s a reason you’re texting - the answer is important! People take these rules way too literally. Just bloody ask him if you want to know. No response? Great, you know the answer and can forget about him!

CorsicaDreaming · 02/02/2025 17:01

Yalta · 01/02/2025 18:16

Does no one just put their phone down and not look at it for hours.
In our house only dd knows where her phone is at any given time,
Mine is in one of about 5 different places and DS has to search for his and probably won’t reply for hours even if he sees the message as he is doing something else

This.

And my phone is often on silent as I really hate it pinging at me.

And then if someone asks me something tricky ( exactly like "all three first restaurant choices are booked, now what?" ) I'd end up not sure how to reply and so leave it to think about...

JoanCollinsDiva · 02/02/2025 17:02

It sounds like he likes you as a friend and that's it, at least now you know.

CorsicaDreaming · 02/02/2025 17:04

Iamnotalemming · 01/02/2025 18:48

As someone who regularly fails to reply promptly to messages I am a bit alarmed about the 'three hours is too long, sack him off' crowd. Good job I'm not dating!

I'd say just go. See what happens and try not to overthink it.

Yes this is also giving me mild paranoia!

I'd have to sack off (or have been sacked off by) all my closest friends years ago if I followed these rules. Plus my DH!!

CorsicaDreaming · 02/02/2025 17:05

mindutopia · 01/02/2025 18:54

Just like go to a Wagamama. Poor guy is probably fed up with trying to get a bloody table somewhere and thinking you’re a bit fussy. All this sounds totally normal from his side, except for the 7000 attempted restaurant bookings. Or just meet for a drink and share some nachos or something. This seems a lot of work for a casual maybe date and he’s probably just a bit worn down by it all.

Absolutely 100% this...

ThatMerryReader · 02/02/2025 17:10

In summary, he was not that much into you.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/02/2025 17:11

Teanbiscuits33 · 02/02/2025 16:56

Avoiding ‘double texting’ means don’t chase, if they haven’t answered your first message don’t text them again trying to get their attention because it comes across as needy and clingy. Asking if someone is still up for the plan you made doesn’t really count in that because there’s a reason you’re texting - the answer is important! People take these rules way too literally. Just bloody ask him if you want to know. No response? Great, you know the answer and can forget about him!

Maybe rtft or at least OPs updates, the date has already happened today

CorsicaDreaming · 02/02/2025 17:15

@SerenaVanDerW - thanks for the update, it sounds like you had a really nice lunch – friends are important too and he sounds like a decent guy who was very straightforward with you. That counts for a lot in my book.

wrongthinker · 02/02/2025 17:16

ThatMerryReader · 02/02/2025 17:10

In summary, he was not that much into you.

Edited

Weirdly, some of us already got that loud and clear and tried to warn the OP! Put it down to experience, OP. Could have been worse. Onwards and upwards!

Teanbiscuits33 · 02/02/2025 17:21

Idontjetwashthefucker · 02/02/2025 17:11

Maybe rtft or at least OPs updates, the date has already happened today

Show quote history

I read the update after posting. My point still stands though. I read similar threads a lot.