Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

[Newbeginingssameoldshite]

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

I don't think you should ever give her another penny, OP. If she wants to be your friend it would have to be for a different reason than money.

You need to look after your own finances now. She's had enough from you.

Millions of children don't have "their needs met". 99.99% of them don't resort to violence.
Taking a phone off a child is a deserved outcome if they don't behave.
To be frank, this is bullshit and more or less blames Op.

I think she'll find out pretty quick she is not better off without you op.
You need to have space to concentrate on yourself, prioritise you and your other DC

The fact she doesn't have any friends should not be lost on her and she can't blame you for that.
She seriously needs to grow up and take responsibilities for her actions

Op, what did you do when she got violent when you removed her 'phone as a punishment? Did you give her the phone back and therefore re-enforce her behaviour.

Sorry to hear about your health and the knock on consequences from that.

i think from now on removing money from your relationship will help. Do not ever lend her money. You are in debt, she is an adult with a salary. Do not buy her or gift her things other than the usual small birthday gifts. Not cars, furniture etc.

it is time to build an adult relationship with her, not one of subsidising, financing and sacrificing,

You know that isn't normal behaviour. No wonder none of her house mates and colleagues don't like her! She isn't a nice person at all. She's actually abusive and dangerous. You should never allow her back home. She's on a decent salary, she can find a room to rent.

She sounds very spoilt and entitled.
You have been through a lot and have sacrificed more than most would for her and she’s behaving appallingly. You have been very unwell and got yourself into huge debt, just to help her have a good life. She sounds like an ungrateful brat.
The fact she did placements during her degree and needs a DBS check makes me concerned she might be a teacher or nurse. If she is then it’s very worrying she works with vulnerable people with a temper like that. If she was a man being violent like that people would want her reported, not just question what her childhood was like and victim blame you.
Id be glad of the break from her tbh. Let her live in the real world with no safety net of you and see how she gets on. If she doesn’t show she is genuinely remorseful for repeatedly punching you I wouldn’t help her again. Don’t back down, because if you do then this will be your life. You will be in an abuse cycle with her where she is nice for 5 minutes, bleeds you dry for something, then verbally or physically abuses you, cuts you off, until you apologise again. It won’t end. She’s a grown woman now, not a teenager.

You can hold any opinion, it's totally up to you. I find it bizarre that removing a phone is supposed to stop a child being violent. How about removing the phone AND teach the child how to deal with their emotions. How's the removal of a phone supposed to address such severe misbehaviour. Blows my mind. Only an emotionally stunted adult would think this could solve anything.

The fact your daughter has been violent before is worrying. She's not just been violent towards you but friends too. She absolutely shouldn't be in any role that means she needs a DBS clearance. Usually it means the person is in a position of trust. She clearly struggles with her emotions, and doesn't appear to be able to regulate them. Unfortunately, in the world of work, she is going to encounter all sorts of people/situations. She can't behave like this towards people, regardless if it's out of frustration, anger etc. She needs professional help. You have prioritised her, over your own needs/health and got yourself into a lot of debt mainly due to supporting your daughter through Uni. Honestly, take the fact she's cut ties (for the moment) as a blessing in disguise. You need to concentrate on yourself, getting well again and looking after your other children. Your eldest is an adult, let her take responsibility for her own life and choices. Don't initiate contact, as hard as that may be. She's 'cut contact' to hurt and manipulate you. I suspect as soon as something goes wrong, she'll contact you again, expecting you to bail her out. It's time for some tough love. She needs accountability and to grow up.

I’m sure this has been said already but if reporting her to the police would “ruin her career” then it is likely she is working with vulnerable people and given the level of violence she has displaced it is even more important that you report her.

She should not be working with vulnerable people.

Unfortunately it does sound like you've spoiled her, and not slightly.

Most parents wouldn't pay for second rents, lend more when this hasn't been repaid and, I cannot stress this more, put up with AN ADULT refusing to do chores and 'tread on egg shells' in your own home.

She has a lot of growing up, as well as making up, to do.

I'm sure the World will be teaching her a few lessons real soon.

In the meantime, I think you need to take some time to consider how you you are going to deal with her when she comes crawling back, probably asking for money. Being there with open arms, yet more handouts and ready forgiveness will not help her, OP.

This absolutely needs pointing out to her, together with a promise that if she ever lays her hands on you again that you will report her.

More perfect parenting from the fantastical school of the deluded bleeding obvious from the lovely @Twatalert . Your mind is properly blown.

She’s going to get herself sacked PDQ from the job requiring DBS if she is prone to violent outbursts. Don’t let her come back and abuse and sponge off you when she does.

It sounds like she’s cut op off because she doesn’t want to confront the reality of her own behaviour, and possibly because she doesn’t want to pay back some of the money op recently lent her.

She will come crawling back. She probably does need anger management treatment, that’s not a mental health issue per se, more poor emotional impulse control.

I wouldn’t go as far as to just slap the mental health label on her without knowing much else. Quite a few of my family members suffer with serious MH conditions and it irks me when MH is used as an explanation for any situation.

Removing the phone obviously didn't work 😂

She punched you 3 times in the face. She is violent and should not be in any position that requires a DBS check. Think about what could potentially happen in the future.

I want address a few points raised.

Regardless of what has occurred she is my child and I love her dearly and I absolutely will not be reporting her. This would end her just as she is starting out.

I am not painting nyself as whiter than white. I was a young single mother working full time and of course I made mistakes along the way.

But I have always tried to put my children first above my own needs and have provided all their wants as well.as needs.

We usually have a good relationship. I'm her go to in times of need emotionally etc for advice and guidance.

I did not ask her to return to care for me. She made that choice herself and had already fallen behind. Most likely due to the stress of my illness, she has admitted to me that she really thought I would die. (At times it did look that way)

It is possible she has Asd/ADSD which she recognises herself and has somewhat self diagnosed. Example if in the car with me and seat belt alam on for more that 30 seconds she will melt down. Also states overestimation in other circumstances.

Her father has MH issues and isn't in mainstream society and has been absent for a long time, but was an active parent before his MH breakdown so she struggles with abandonment complex. She has had counciing in the past.

She does have a tendancy to over react and her friendships/relationships have suffered in the past because of this.

I used the term ranting, I was not shouting, I was having a passionate conversation with my mother about a personal situation I was apeaved with that was not directed at her but she had made comment about when she lost her temper.

She will not speak to.me or my mother at all. My mother spoke to her when the incident happened as she tried to rewrite the narrative and my mum corrected her version of events.

I will not be making any further updates, I feel.bad enough as it is, like I've failed her as well as myself and I'm guilt ridden for asking her to leave. Had I'd have allowed her to return we probably wouldn't be where we are now, but I was hurt, angry and upset and needed space in a place where I didn't feel i was on eggshells all the time... that decision has clearly cost me my relationship with her.

If I had a daughter like her who decided to cut me off I think I’d cope 😬
You’ve done more than enough for her that’s maybe some of the reason that she’s an entitled spoilt brat, although the way she is seems beyond that.

You clearly love your daughter but it’s got to the point where you almost love her far too much.
Your own health is suffering and while it’s nice of her to help, people of all ages help to care every single day. You don’t then get a free pass to behave badly.
DD clearly has some sort of anger/behavioural issues. She senses you are weak. She has punched her own mother in the face, at a time when her mum has been very ill and is working to support the family.
That is beyond low and this has to stop now.
Be a parent in terms of putting in case some boundaries now. Let her go and stand on her own two feet for a while. She has a job and an income.
If you cave now, because you are pining for her, you are actually hurting her, because she will carry on hurting you and others because she can.
Hitting your own mum is a really, really terrible thing to do and I think you at least need space for a while.
If she is upset do not go and be a rescuer.

It is possible she has Asd/ADSD which she recognises herself and has somewhat self diagnosed. Example if in the car with me and seat belt alam on for more that 30 seconds she will melt down.

I have a similar adult child. We get on well
at times, but at arm’s length other times. There have also been very heated moments where they have flown off the handle.

Look after yourself OP. You’ve helped your child a lot, beyond what you were reasonably able in some ways.

Now take some time out and look after yourself, rest and hopefully recuperate 💐. Take a break from the issue, don’t fret or blame yourself and I am sure given time things will work out better.

How sad. You've completely excused all of her behaviour. No wonder she behaves this way because she clearly gets away with it.

Ahh you got to love all the Mums netters with their 'report her to the police' gibberish, as if any of them would report their child to the police. Now on that note, she's and adult and cannot be punching you in the face, I actually think you should cut HER off for a while until she grovels back, that's financially, verbally, EVERYTHING. Make her feel what she's done, don't enable that type of crazy, abusive behaviour! Let her know that you won't tolerate that.

Sounds like she got some relationship issues.
She fell out with people in her house share and ended up living on her own
She doesn’t have many friends and people at work aren’t including her
and now she’s physically attacked you.

I think she needs to cool off and perhaps you need to step back and let her deal with her own financial issues in the future. She needs to stand on her own two feet

OP, please don't blame yourself. Everything you have done up to now is to support her and put her in a good position to be independent again. You have selflessly subordinated your needs to hers for so long. Your job is now done and she is ready to launch again.

Let her find her own feet. Give yourself a well deserved breather.

Time is a healer. There is no need to respond to her.

As the saying goes, Less Said Sooner Mended.