Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

[Newbeginingssameoldshite]

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

So you financed her through uni - which I have done with my DCs (one changed course so we have done nearly 5 years instead of 3) - you had a minor disagreement and she punched you in the face and has gone non-contact.
From what you say - disagreements with flatmates, not many friends and colleagues leaving her out - the issue completely lies with her. Could be many factors though for this though, but I think a break is probably what you need now for your health and wellbeing.
I would certainly not give her another penny even if she comes back asking for money as living indepedently is hard (even if you've got a reasonable job).

"You have totally spoilt her".

Ask yourself, is this sentence really necessary? If you knew anything about motivation, that is the sort of thing you would say to negate everything else you said however sensible. I hope it at least made you feel good about your parenting.

I would’ve said this on first reading.

There is far more to the story to this, but it doesn’t mean the DD is in anyway justified.

My DB has cut off our DM and DGM. After pushing my DM over in an argument. They’ve both been really good to him. DM has been a saint- always helped him out, supported him and shown kindness. It turns out he is late diagnosed autistic.

It explains a lot. And while DPs tried their best, they didn’t know how to cope, didn’t get the right help and his childhood was troubled as a result. I feel sorry for him. He was let down and is resentful, but DPs didn’t do it on purpose and his behaviour caused their divorce.

So OP may have tried her best, but made mistakes in parenting. But her DD is an adult now and plenty of people on here have had terrible childhoods but don’t punch their mother

Punched you? It should be you going NC. I would threaten to call the bloody police.

I don’t know if there is more to this story, OP. It doesn’t make sense to me that you would agree to clean up financial messes for your adult daughter and leave yourself with two jobs, debt and a chronic illness to manage, while you buy her a car and pay her way. What about your young teen?

Sounds like she has zero gratitude or respect. Let her go it alone. And if she’s a better person without you, good. She might learn not to use and abuse.

I'm so sorry that happened. She is behaving like a toddler, totally a brat lashing out like that. It reminds me of a family member who did the same to me.

She sounds angry (why I don't know) but she is old enough to understand her actions have consequences & you won't accept that. I was hit a few times by the family member i mentioned above, who was suffering badly from mental health issue so I never retaliated. But the last time it happened I said to them, if you ever do that again I'll knock you into next week & i absolutely meant it. It never happened again.

I suppose what I'm saying is, she has set her boundaries but you are also entitled to set yours back. Tell her fine, you will always love her but you won't be a punching bag to anyone so it is for the best not to contact for a while. She will come back, hopefully she will be ready to apologise and talk instead of violence.

I hope things sort themselves out, I feel like they will. Hang on in there.

This.
i would never accept her back after punching me in the face. That is low.

I think this is the most intelligent response and very likely reason for what's going on. The message for your daughter is exactly what I would do.
The people calling the daughter a bitch, parasite and worse, you should be ashamed - how would you feel if someone said that about your child? Grow up.

Report the assault to the police.

This isn't the first time, she sounds aggressive and violent when things aren't going her way (roommates wanted her out for the same reason), and she shouldn't be working any job that requires a DBS clearance.

Even before I read the update I wondered if there was something about her not getting on with her house share and living on her own and then thinking people in work and friends excluding her.

She needs therapy and to grow up. You can’t go around thumping people and expecting people to include you in their outings
I think groups of people have witnessed her behaviour and the result is she isn’t someone who people want to hang out with

Years ago I was in our village pub with dh who got chatting to a guy who had just come to the village to live with his sister

I was listening to the conversation and my 6th sense was telling me this guy was bad news. Made an excuse to steer dh away from him. 2 days later the police and ambulance were at his sisters door as he had lost the plot and violently attacked her

She also could have done nothing wrong but her demeanour sends out signals telling people she isnt someone to have around

Agree. I’ve known several friends in this precise situation. It’s a cautionary tale for women to look after themselves and not be some sacrificial offering on the altar of motherhood. Though a patriarchal society quite likes to avail of all the unpaid physical and emotional labour of wife/mother work whilst simultaneously denigrating it as not worthy as constituting full partnership. Children, however unconsciously, pick up on this attitude.

Yes these days "abuse means parents disagreeing with the child for their own good"

In my day it was getting the stick or being told I'm the spawn of evil on a daily basis.

I sincerely hope your DD has not gone into nursing.

If she has, not reporting her to the police is irresponsible as one day she may do this to a patient.

Read through the OP with her house share breaking down I got the impression that she’s a chronically difficult person who struggles to get along with others.

It sounds like she’s resentful for the help she gave you when seriously ill causing a delay in graduating.

And she doesn’t appreciate anything you did for her and the ongoing financial problems this has caused you and her young sibling.

She’s simply not a nice person and though it’s extremely upsetting you’re better off without her. She’ll be back when she wants something.

There’s no need to be quite so nasty. This is her mother you’re talking to, and whatever she thinks of her, it’s her child!

@DrBlackbird i disagree, children need the sacrifices of both parents for a healthy upbringing. I don't think OP could have done anything different and it's not right to blame her. I have a very entitled a*hole of a sibling. Once you reach adulthood you can no longer blame your parents for everything. Or, the other way, you know you have reached adulthood when you take responsibility for yourself.

This ^^

@Newbeginingssameoldshite - I think you misread the previous post by @lifeturnsonadime. They said that you would be better off without her. Not the other way around.

You have gone guarantor on two lots of rent for this ungrateful adult-child. She has left you in a terrible position where you have had to go back to work to pay off her debts.

Leave her be. She doesn't deserve to cross your threshold again. Your home must be your safe space (as should your car) and she has forfeited the right to be in either place with you when she assaulted you.

I hope you're doing better yourself but please please please don't give her any more money or allow her back into your home so she can possibly assault you at some point in the future. She is an adult now and she must learn to be a functioning adult herself.

in a similar situation and agree with this very much

You say there’s no excuse for punching someone in the face then launch into victim blaming.

This is a very unpleasant/unhelpful response based on assumptions.

You should tell her she’s damned lucky you didn’t report her to the police for assault, and if she ever hits you again, you won’t hesitate to do so. You should also remind her that you are significantly in debt as a result of bankrolling her through university, and are having to work 2 jobs, despite your disability, to try and clear it. All of which you would do gladly, were it not for her appalling and entitled attitude.

This.
I really feel for you OP. You’ve been through an awful lot. Start putting yourself first.

No, and they'd be well within their rights to complain. It's nothing to do with a patient if their nurse or whatever kind of professional it is has trauma.
It is different when it is the person's mother, the person who was responsible for that person's childhood and you would expect to still feel some sense of care and protection when they were adults. Which I'm sure OP does feel as she has taken to MN rather than go to the police. I just find some of the comments really surprising, I doubt many people could really disown their child and report them to the police like some comments advise.

@liveandlearn73628 i agree that both parents often make sacrifices to some degree. And in this case, I’m not disagreeing with what the OP has done in terms of financially supporting her DD and did not mean to imply that she deserved contempt. No one does.

But I have seen too many cases of husbands and children not appreciating a wife/mother who has sacrificed themselves much more than the husband. To the point of self neglect. So an imbalance in who is going without. And in principle I think mothers should maintain healthy boundaries to counter the wider societal narrative that mothers are expected to neglect their own needs in support of their children (and husbands).

This.

Sorry, I don’t see the relevance of your question. How (or when) she became deranged is not the issue here, therefore I have nothing to say to you in response.

This thread makes me very uneasy.

On the face of it the dd is awful BUT having been through something similar I wonder is there more to it?

I was abused for years by my mother and sister , when I finally stuck up for myself (which meant fighting them physically to get out as they’d locked me in) they called the police and had me arrested and backed each other up. I tried to explain but they both had professional jobs and I was unemployed. I didn’t stand a chance. They then tried to paint me as an unfit parent to my dd due to ‘violent tendencies’. They told everyone we knew about how they were basically angels to me and how horrific I was.