Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

I believe long term it is. I am getting advice on the school situation. It's a tough choice.

Resign your job for medical reasons (see if you can get a diagnosis of anxiety or something just so you have something on paper), cancel the lease and all move in with his loving family. Tell them they’ll all have to pitch in for the special school fees. In 3 months they’ll give you their blessing to move home with the DC. Then get divorced while you have no income.

Separate the issues. You might have to stay in Australia till the children are 18. You don't have to stay married to him. You might end up with an unfair division of the assets and you will almost certainly end up with an unfair division of the childcare (ie you'll do it all). So be it. You'll at least be free of living with him.

Pull the child out of the school under the guise of not being able to afford it as your husband refuses to work. Always word it like that.
If he calls himself a stay at home Dad, correct it always to unemployed bum and joke with the people that SaHparents do the child care, housework and life Admin and he does none.
Don't inform him about goings on with the kids. I know someone who was in this position and when it went to court the "SAHD" couldn't name the kids teachers, dentist, Dr, etc. Mum got custody.
Stop doing the following for him: washing, shopping, presents, housework of anything to do with him, sell the TV, cutoff his phone and the Internet and up the plan for data on kids and your phones.
Sell anything you can.
Get a new job in the UK. Quit your job. Tell him and kids you lost your job, your moving to England, you'd love them to come but not sure if dad will allow it.

If he doesn't, move. He does nothing now. Kids will cramp his style and doubt he will want them 24/7.
He'd still have to get a job. Ask court for holiday custody.

If you really can't stand that, give notice on the rental, get a new place in your name only, and move out. Kids 50/50 or more. If you have to pay support, it won't be forever and the court will look at "capacity to earn" & he'll have to get a job. You don't sound like a high earner so can't see the court make you support an able bodied healthy man who's choosing not to work.

Start texting him, why have you done nothing all day. I have to work full time and do all the kids care, all the housework etc. Screen shot and email to yourself and a relative so you can have a paper trail and record of him doing nothing.

I agree - if he actually cared about his kids he would be getting a job to support them - instead he is using them as a meal ticket - describing himself as their primary carer but not actually caring for them

He doesn't need lawyers and money to get the children back. It would be counted as abduction so he would report to the police would would then pursue her.

This is why she has to ditch her job and tell him to go effing find one

As mentioned earlier, is there not financial abuse going on (investments) so can you report that to the police? That should hasten any divorce / return to the UK situation, I would have thought.

I would definitely withdraw all current financial support from him and see if that spurs him action.

Then at some point have an honest conversation and say how is this all going to work in the long term? I'm going to burn out here, so I think it's best if I move me and the kids to the UK, where I will have more support to look after them. Will you agree?

What a shitty situation you're in, OP. I think it boils down to 'pick your hard'. Moving to the UK is not a serious option at the moment, as your husband refuses permission. So your options are to stay until the children are adults (at which point, unless the law has changed, you may still have to pay spousal support when you leave your husband) or put a plan in place to leave sooner, in full awareness that you may have to pay some form of spousal support, but it would be worth it for your freedom. It's a hard decision, because it's really galling to think your hard earned cash is going to support a completely selfish, lazy twat. But ask your solicitor for more details about the likely outcome in court and whether, if maintenance is awarded, whether it tapers down after a certain period. This might make it slightly easier to bear the injustice of it all. (Also, get a second opinion, even if only to reassure yourself that your current solicitor is correct on all points.)

I feel really bad for you. A friend was in a similar situation many years ago (it's a shame the law doesn't seem to have improved since then). Her ex was working when they met, stayed working for about a year after he moved into her house, then decided work was too hard, so he quit, with no intention of ever doing anything else and expected her to just fund his lifestyle on her minimum wage salary. Despite him having the higher earning potential (if he could be arsed getting a job), the court ordered her to pay him maintenance. She was still better off without him though.

I guess your solicitor is thinking your husband would claim he is a dependent, and you've been supporting him therefore he has a right for that support to continue.

However he has no way of proving he is incapable of working, he is not disabled, he is not recieving any treatment for a health condition.

I would look into whether you can claim financial abuse - which this absolutely is - he's forcing you to work all hours, he's disposed of family money/assets without your knowledge, he's not contributing a penny himself...

Then any claim that you should support him financially is clearly a further continuance of his financial abuse, there is no agreement that he will be a SAHP and no documented reason he cannot work!

If he really cared about the kids he wouldn't set such a terrible example to them. He would want them to understand the importance of having a work ethic. He would want them to have a better life with a mother who wasn't at the end of her tether.
He's doing this because he knows you're trapped and he can get away with having an easy life and pushing you to do all the work.
He's able to be patient and kind to the children because he has no stress whatsoever because he's letting you take the brunt of everything.
OP, I think you will have to be very strategic, try to give him the impression that you are happy with everything because if he realises that his gravy train might be coming to the end of the track he might up his game and try harder to get you trapped.
In the background and out of his view you will need to be making a solid plan.

@DeepViper I had a friend in a similar situation in Australia. She got permission from the courts to come back here in the end, but not until her DD was a bit older and not seeing her father. Selfish fathers can find it easy to be fond of younger children, but when they turn into a demanding stroppy teenager they sometimes lose interest.

There seem to be two routes forward for you. One is playing nice to him and being all sympathetic for a few months whilst secretly applying for jobs in the UK. As soon as you have an offer, leave your job there due to the long-term stress you are clearly experiencing. His choice will be moving over here as a stay at home parent, or him getting a job there - or at least signing on for benefits. Try to exchange lots of emails with him about these options, and the timeline for deciding, so you have evidence that he has no way to, nor plan to, provide for his children if he refuses to do anything of these things, at which point you can at least divorce him in Australia.

Or you could end it now and leave him immediately, attempting, through the courts, to get back to the UK once the divorce is over, if you still want to. When something as miserable as a failed marriage is hanging over you it's easy to diagnose the wrong problem and therefore strive for a solution that won't actually help at all. So you may well find that once you've ridded yourself of him, you feel much happier to stay. My understanding of Australian private schools is that they're usually much cheaper than ones in the UK, so your options may narrow considerably for your SEN child once you're here.

In your situation, I'd be taking a second and third legal opinion as soon as possible, so you can act with as much information as possible.

Excellent point!

Edit: Sorry, I meant to quote @Anon1274's second post about him not caring about your stress.

Given that he cleaned out your savings and gaslit you about where the money went I think that you are in a financially abusive situation. Frame it that way when getting legal advice.

So sorry @DeepViper he is awful!

I agree it may be best to move out without him (he can choose whether to stay and pay or sponge off relatives. Stop paying for his phone and everything else. He just thinks the current situation will carry on forever, lazy arsehole. Also fuming on your behalf.

Perhaps consider leaving Aus without the children? How would H manage?Would it be a wake up call for him? Even if you sent him money - could he manage children alone? Perhaps he would want DC to go to you in UK anyway then? Could he move in with his mother? Have you asked him what he will do if you leave with/without children - which you want to do? Why doesn't he see a doctor?

so sorry to hear this about your friend. It's so infuriating. I don't know what is wrong with men like this. My dad is so hard working and even though he's retired he doesn't sit still, volunteers, does DIY and little jobs for neighbours and family. it's really unbelievable to have ended up with a man like this.

I'll be honest - short term pain, long term gain!
Quit your job, then you have nothing to pay him with. Get a divorce, get a new job. It will be awful!! But can it be worse than it is now?

It's not an excellent point. He doesn't need money for legal fees. He just goes to the police and reports her for abducting their children. They'll then pursue the matter.

Can't you go on hols to the UK and not come back, having sold your accommodation from underneath him? Then it will be up to him to pursue you through courts - but he won't as he does not have the funds. Because, as you say, you live abroad, no idiocy like 'free lawyers' exist, probably, this is a UK-only folly. You only behave decently towards decent people and your husband is a leech and a scumbag, so you owe him no procedural transparency and good faith. Stop this insanity now, come back home and regain respect for yourself!

I've asked him what he would do if I dropped dead and he just stared at me blankly. He doesn't have a plan. I guess he would go to his mother, or magically find a job once I stop enabling his lifestyle.

Your children will be ordered back OP. You absolutely cannot bring them back to the UK (I’m married to an Aussie with dual nationality DC). What a horrible situation you’re in. He won’t change.

Hi OP - could you tell him to leave without getting divorced? Or leave yourself and take the children. Then look at divorcing and moving back to UK. I think its difficult but not impossible to fight their dad in court - if you can prove how little time he spends with them. Also, other factors - for example, if you will be closer to their extended family, if you get more support, if you could provide a better quality of life for them. You need a shit hot lawyer, ask around - they all different, and some are pretty useless. While others are brilliant and can change the situation significantly.

I find it hard to understand why would you be required to support him if your children live with you? Your husband is a parasite, like a tick or something.

I haven't thought about it like this. I don't want to use the word abuse lightly, considering what some women on this forum are going through, but I do feel as though I am living in hell.