Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

Exactly OP can bill a potential move home as needing higher income and family support if he can’t work. (And poss more job opportunities for him).

I don’t know about this one but private schools are generally cheaper in Aus than they are here. Nearly 40% of students are in private school.

Thank you. This is a wake up call. I am sorry you had a similar situation but kudos to you for stopping it earlier.

Seems to me that your marriage is over but realistically you can't leave Australia for good with the children.

For now, however hard it is you need to find somewhere else to live, however small, end your lease on your current residence - only way to be free of him and get out with your children.

You need legal advice re any potential alimony - he needs to prove he can't work I would have thought.

They may be right, but he definitely won't get a job if he's not applying for any.

I can't believe he's been unemployed since the pandemic - that's insane. He could get a job as a cleaner, a waiter, go work in McDonalds, advertise his services locally as a handyman (Taskrabbit!!) - anything! And while he is at home, the housework, cooking, school admin etc. should be on him.

It does sound like he has depression, but honestly I have little sympathy if he'd rather let you struggle and his family suffer than simply go see a damn doctor. He can't have it both ways.

I would have had a raging meltdown at him by now. Can you issue an ultimatum - get professional help or get out? Stage an intervention?

The problem with trying to lure him the U.K. is that he probably won’t go. And it will them to them splitting in Aus all the same.

Personal I would resign my own job.

Be unemployed like him and say your mental health needs a break. As and when he agrees to a divorce which might be swift. Move back to the U.K. he has taken advantage for 3 years, your 3 years to sit at home I think!

I’d hit him where it hurts. Get rid of the TV - drop it, break it, anything. Oh dear, no money to replace it. The DC can watch stuff on their phones. You can use your laptop. But there’s no daytime TV any more. But I could be very petty and very pass aggressive.

And get yourself a better lawyer who can deal with the cocklodging, because that is what it is.

Potentially, a Hague application for the immediate return of the children to the country in which they are habitually resident and have been abducted from - so this is a terrible, terrible idea.

And yes, I think I would consider making myself unemployed if that’s what it will take.

Just on this post - don't do this
"If you went on an extending visit to family in the UK with the kids (to see your family and rest, have a holiday, etc), and then decided not to return to Aus, what would be the ramifications of that? Could he force you all back to Aus?" The courts will force them back to Australia.

Another point however is that once children are mid or older teens if everyone were in the UK usually if the children really really really want ot live with one parent not the other particularly if they are 16+ then the courts may well give up trying to force them back . I was told on my divorce as my 3 older children would definitely choose me (they had actively asked me to divorce their father) then they would not be forced back - oldest was however about 17 so not the younger ages of yours.

The main legal issue is do not listen to any family members with clever tricks about taking children to the UK. You would need consent from the father for a permanent move or else a court order.

You need to force him into a situation where he has to come to the UK with you because you’ve got a new job here - and then divorce him.

Stop giving him money, tv, internet, trips, perks and all. Let him pay for them. Quit your job and declare yourselves homeless

Quite frankly I would be silently getting my ducks in a row and coming back home. This man is so lazy he can’t be arsed to get a job or clean the house. Is he really going to fight the battle to get his kids back once they’re out of the country? What about if you agree to them going back to him but you staying in the UK? What would he do then if he can’t be arsed to get a job?

I think you’re at risk of making yourself really poorly if you’re burning the candle at both ends op. Then what will you do?

In position I would fly back to the U.K. with him, and then refuse to go back. You can easily argue that he agreed to the move and changed his mind when he got to the U.K.
Quietly give notice on the flat. Tell the children the family can’t wait to see them and do it. You can resign from your job with immediate effect. It’s the only option open to you.

He then has the option to stay in the UK and get a job. Or fly back to Australia. I would not stand for another moment of this freeloading. Once you are home you will have the support of your family.

You can pay for packers to send over non essential items and furniture. You need to take the nuclear option.

As a PP said the state of SEN education in the UK is a mess and private school fees are far higher, so it is unlikely you would afford a private SEN school in the UK.

For children without SEN the school system is horrible as well.

The UK has changed in other ways in the years since you left for the worse - you left when there was a Labour government who were building things and will return to a country that is in economic decline, so while you want to come back to the UK don't be in a rush to.

Your first concern should be to ensure your entire salary is paid into your own account and you remove your name from the joint account. In addition you need to decide what bills you want your name on making sure your name isn't on his mobile phone contact etc.

Then move with your children to another home nearby - though I am aware it may be difficult to find somewhere suitable to rent. He will then have to find somewhere for himself to live.

Then start a divorce in Australia.

I wouldn’t change anything at all in the meantime until you are firmly back. Keep everything as it is. He can’t suspect you aren’t going to be flying back. Use an excuse to come back, book all the flights. Tell him he has to come, you need a break as a family.

Please don’t think I don’t sympathise. I’m not saying the law is right or fair but I always worry in threads like this that a desperate poster will take the advice of the people saying ‘just get on a plane and sort it later’ and end up worse off than they already are.

In your case, I do think you need to look at things separately. First of all, you need to separate in Australia. Even if you have to pay alimony, you are already funding this man and at least it will provide a cut off point for him having a legal interest in your money.

Once you are separated etc., then it’s the time to consider going back to the UK. It may be that without a leech weighing you down, you won’t want to!

This 100%. Seems like you have to have a plan for yourself in parts - separation while in Australia, until the children are old enough to decide where they want to be.

@DeepViper I stopped it earlier because I could see where it was going - And I was concerned that he would claim he was the primary carer for our child, and make a claim on the house that I owned as well as spousal maintenance ( I am in the UK). Luckily I had a pre nup (his idea! Standard in his EU country) , So he couldn't go against my pensions, but he did have the cheek to ask for pay off said that he could “re establish himself” back in his home country - which my solicitor advised had absolutely no right to. He also ran up credit cards which I stupidly paid off.He wouldn’t sign the paperwork to close our (empty) joint account - Unless he could get something out of me he wasn't interested. Obviously he wasn't like this at the beginning of our relationship otherwise I would never have married him
I suspect that in the daytime when I was at work while he was supposed to be applying for jobs was actually drinking or sleeping, but I don’t know because I was at work.

He is selfish to the core and thinks it is other people's jobs to support a man who is quite capable of supporting himself. Getting rid of him is the best thing I've ever done, now all the money I earn is spent supporting me and my child.

My ex husband is undoubtedly depressed but 10 years on from the split I no longer care - he has done nothing to help himself and my refusing to work is in my view stealing from our child he should be equally supporting. I am happy to be free and I don't care what his family and friends think of me

It sounds like it would be helpful to start creating a paper trail showing that you are both actively encouraging him to find a job ( eg sharing job adverts) and also not putting any barriers in place that would prevent him from taking a job (eg does one of you need to be at home when the kids get back from school but it either is or could be you)

Is moving back to the UK in the best interest of the child with significant additional needs?

thank you. My son with special needs (he's mild to moderately disabled) is on a waitlist for a place. I am considering that if he is going through the trauma of moving schools, would an international move just be a better option anyway, to where I would have family support. He loves his family in the UK and has lots of cousins and is excited about the idea. My younger one already goes to a state school, we moved her 2 years ago.

The best interests of the child is to be with a parent that can pay to care for them.

This sounds like a really hard situation.

All of your posts sound like you're trying to make a permanent solution now, but actually I don't think that you necessarily need to.

If you work in tourism do you have a quiet or off season? If so I would say to him that you're going to take the kids to the UK for three months during the off season to work, save some money and see family. Does he want to come? Apply for jobs and find something UK based on a shorter term contract. It will be much much easier to get his permission to take the kids on a shorter trip which he has been included on.

If he comes then go together and once you're in the UK say to him "I don't see how we can move back with no money and no job in Aus". Be sympathetic but ultimately the line in the sand is you have a UK job which is the only job supporting the family - if he wants to be back in Aus he needs to fix the problem. Once you're settled and established in the UK leave him if he doesn't get a job in one country or the other.

If he doesn't come stop putting money in the joint account and once the money runs out cancel the house contract and tell him "we haven't got enough money to pay the rent". Keep regularly saying to him "once you've got a job and have rented us a new house we'll move back". Say it every time he raises why you are in the UK. Keep telling him you can't move back without a house and that you can't afford to pay the rent whilst you're paying everything for the kids.

Whilst there are laws around child abduction etc there are no laws saying that you can't make poor choices or get stuck in the UK if no one has a job. At no point refuse to move back - just keep pointing out that with no job there is nothing for you to live on.

He probably doesn't really care or wants his kids. They are a means to an end, he gets to control wether op can leave for the UK, keeps her in Aus earning money to keep him.
If op said ' I am leaving for the UK, oh by the way I am leaving the kids with you..' he would sh*t himself, not suggesting she should do it.

I do think op should stop doing anything for him.

Is there no equivalent of Women's Aid in Aus, her husband is actually abusing her.