Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

No? Where are you getting that from?

https://consilialegal.co.uk/can-i-get-divorced-in-the-uk-if-i-live-abroad/#:~:text=UK*%20Expats%20are%20able%20to,submit%20a%20divorce%20application%20here.

The solicitor’s page above gives the relevant information. Basically, to file in the UK, you or your spouse must be resident / habitually domiciled here.

The idea is that the children go back and forth between separated parents and should have the same standard of living in both homes.

Clearly if children are doing 50/50 and one parent is living in the matrimonial home while the other is living in a bedsit, the children’s standard of living would massively drop on the days they are living with bedsit parent. This requirement is designed to prevent that.

Both Australia and the UK are signatories of the Hague convention, so you need to ignore the posters advising you to take the children and leave without his consent. Your DH would be able to apply to the courts and would receive assistance from Australian and UK government to locate the children and have them returned to Australia. They would consider it child abduction and the ‘abducting’ parent could face up to three years in prison, and likely a re-entry ban to Australia. I think you need to consult a lawyer for a second opinion and preferably one with plenty of experience in Australian family law because ut’s complicated and difficult to navigate.

OP may have the right to come back to the UK but she doesn’t have the right to bring their kids. UK and Oz are both Hague convention signatories and any attempt to remove the children and bring them back to the UK would be seen as child abduction. Look it up and you’ll see that it would have very serious consequences for OP.

Even if that country wasn’t a Hague Convention signatory they would likely work with Australian authorities to return the children. All EU countries are signed up to The Hague convention with the exception of Denmark. Even countries like Russia, Israel, North Macedonia, Ukraine and Uruguay are signatories, although they have yet to ratify. Where do you suggest she go that isn’t the back of beyond and wouldn’t make the situation much worse.

This

Musing here.....So, if you left, came back to the UK..without the kids..and didn't pay him anything, how would he support the children?
Legally, he would have to chase you for maintenance, which at present he can't afford to do and from another country would be difficult too.
I would find out if calling his bluff would shake him up.
Maybe talk about only you returning to UK..drop the ball on everything bar the bare minimum to get the kids through the day. See what his reaction is...

Going to get additional advice is a good idea. I would do this as a multi-stage process.

• Document that he is work shy and is not a proper SAHP.
• Divorce him - assume you could ask for details of his accounts - perhaps the missing money is in his name somewhere.
• He will have to move home to his parents. There are decent odds he will find a new woman to leach off.
• When he stops bothering with his kids, apply to the courts to move to the UK.

Thank you, yes this part was laid out very clearly by my lawyer and I would definitely not take them without their father’s consent. I will be trying very hard to make a case to get his consent but I don’t think he will agree.

The question/ legal dispute I have is whether I am going to be liable to pay him spousal maintenance / alimony because of his long term unemployment and any claim he might have regarding being depressed and unfit for work. This is something that isn’t currently clear and I need to get a second opinion on.

What state are you in @DeepViper ? Can someone here recommend by PM a second opinion? I can offer a name in WA.

And ignore those people suggesting you go back the UK leaving the kids behind. The roos they have loose need shooting.

Op I would leave him ASAP but stay somewhere nearby in Australia. That way you keep your job etc.and kids stay at their schools. Cut your husband off financially and he'll soon have to get a job!!

Can you go on holiday to the UK and never return?

For the reasons given to the multiple people who have already suggested that, no.

I have to ask OP, why on earth did you pay for a childminder when you went home? What would have happened if you didn’t?

It's absolutely ridiculous you may have to pay for alimony. How does that work if you can not afford it? Agree with others to ignore your husband and act like he is not there. Can you sleep in a separate room?

This. I think OP needs to have a paper/ message trail of evidence showing that a) her husband refuses to find a job and retrain
b) he doesn't look after the kids (the episode where she had to get a childminder when she was away, I would make a big deal out of it!) - this should be easy, but support it by paper trail messages where he refuses to look after the kids while doing fuck all
c) evidence of depression and unreasonable behaviour - like spending all the money etc

She needs a really good solicitor who can frame it all properly. The important thing is, though, is to show you are prepared to do what you can to facilitate good relationship between him and the kids - this includes staying in Australia initially, and maybe paying some money towards him. But I can imagine he will not be able/ would not want to look after the kids by himself in the long run, and if he flakes out, eventually there could be an opportunity to apply for permission to leave Australia. Before that happens, I'm afraid OP will have to stay there. Child abduction is a serious thing, she can lose her kids is she is convicted of doing that.

Ah, got you.

Of you trust your sister 100% you could always decline your inheritance and pass it to her (deed of variation). She can send you what you need and eventually pass it over.

The alimony (if anything) will likely be very small. Max 2 or 3 years.
100/200 $ a month. But could well be none if you get sole care.

Only on divorce. Do not get hung up on it.

Divorce is definitely the next step. Get the ball rolling asap. It could take 2 or 3 years if he drags his feet.

I dilly dallied for 6 months, then chose an expensive lawyer who dilly dallied for 4 months. Then luckily he did something and I got legal aid/police help and a paper trail. Still not brilliant but moved faster than the sloth of the expensive lawyer. Get a second opinon WITHOUT mentioning the first. Get the divorce started.

Men like this tend to shoot themselves in the foot when you move out and take control.

Oh, and as I think I mentioned before, ask about tax implicatons if you have a private bank account somewhere else... UK etc. (any inheritance) It could be that overseas money doesnot count/apply in Astralian divorce. (No idea)

Or put the money in a trust or shares or I dont know what. But so it is protected from him. (any inheritance)
Moving out asap at on or before/after you apply for divorce.

Why would you have to be spousal maintenance if you'll be the main carer for the children? Also, depression isn't an excuse for being unemployed.

1. Because in Australia, spousal maintenance for a few years to get a non-working partner back on their feet is completely separate from child support.
2. If a doctor says someone can’t work for whatever reason (including depression) it absolutely is a valid legal excuse.

Edited to say: I’m not saying this man is depressed, just that depression if bad enough is absolutely a reason not to work.

Noticed a typo in my comment, but that's ridiculous that someone has to give their husband/wife spousal maintenance when they divorce. Especially when OP will be the main carer for the children. And I wouldn't say depression is an excuse if he didn't seek professional help years ago. Could've gone back to work by now but he just saw OP as a cash cow when he lost his job a couple of years ago.