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Original poster

Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

546 replies

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 09:57

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
CandidHedgehog · 01/02/2025 13:45

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 13:40

It was a question I asked, not an instruction. I asked could she do this and it appears she can’t. I also wasn’t aware she was in Oz when I commented. Had I known that at the time I would have known she couldn’t take the kids because a friend of mine is in the same position there. Thanks for the info.

OP I think the advice to split and get your own place in Australia is the way to go. Take the children with you and he can see them 50/50 to allow you to work. I doubt he will want to do that though because he’s a lazy sod. If he has them 50% of the time then I would imagine you won’t need to pay him child support. If he has them less, he will have to pay you child support. So, he’ll have to get off his arse and make some money to fund his home, bills, child support and food. Once the children are adults or old enough for the courts to let them decide which country they want to live in, you can return to the UK if you want. It’s not ideal but it’s better than living with this cocklodging twat.

Show quote history

Just to note, isn’t just a thing in Australia, it’s any Hague Convention country.

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 14:02

CandidHedgehog · 01/02/2025 13:45

Just to note, isn’t just a thing in Australia, it’s any Hague Convention country.

Show quote history

Yes. Noted. Thanks for that 👍 I mentioned Oz because it’s where OP is and my friend too.

Ispini · 01/02/2025 15:00

I’m so sorry for the awful predicament you find yourself in. I may sound naive but have you thought of going to another European country which doesn’t have such legally binding rules concerning children being moved from Australia. I wish you all the best but you do know that in the future your children will know who the strong parent was. So sorry to hear about your loss, gosh life is really throwing everything at you. I can’t believe his family are being so passive about the situation. They are probably glad he’s off their hands!
Ignore him totally and as others have said do nothing for him. 💐💐💐

puffyisgood · 01/02/2025 15:05

Ispini · 01/02/2025 15:00

I’m so sorry for the awful predicament you find yourself in. I may sound naive but have you thought of going to another European country which doesn’t have such legally binding rules concerning children being moved from Australia. I wish you all the best but you do know that in the future your children will know who the strong parent was. So sorry to hear about your loss, gosh life is really throwing everything at you. I can’t believe his family are being so passive about the situation. They are probably glad he’s off their hands!
Ignore him totally and as others have said do nothing for him. 💐💐💐

all halfway liveable countries are signed up to the Hague convention.

lakesandplains · 01/02/2025 15:44

I mean I suspect what actually happened with op's investments is money was syphoned off to dh's relatives. Have you actually seen all the paperwork @DeepViper

Either way, it's done and you need to get out of the marriage in Australia as not only does he not love you, you can't trust him as a person either.

CandidHedgehog · 01/02/2025 15:51

puffyisgood · 01/02/2025 15:05

all halfway liveable countries are signed up to the Hague convention.

Show quote history

This. Also, just because a country isn’t signed up to The Hague convention, that doesn’t mean they won’t decide the Australian courts have jurisdiction - the procedure will just be different.

Mittleme · 01/02/2025 18:01

Wow I feel your pain you must take it easy
is he not even trying to find a job although I must tell you the job market is in a state right now since Covid
I have had to settle for jobs a third of what I would be getting normally
like a poster said it is going to get worse .
am not sure why getting a divorce would mean you have to pay him
why when you say you are struggling yourself .
you must find a way before you break down please

YoNoHeSido77 · 01/02/2025 19:11

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 09:57

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

Are you and the children British? Were they born in the uk? If so I’d just leave and come back.

he’s not going to be able to afford a lawyer to force you back. 🤷🏼‍♀️

DPotter · 01/02/2025 19:25

17 pages in and It's a real shame people don't read the updates ........I agree with earlier poster - this will have all the hallmarks of the "Cancel the cheque" thread!.

She can't just take the kids - Australia and UK are signatories to the Hague Convention. 'DH' can report children being taken as kidnapped and the police and courts will pursue the children to be returned and criminal charges for the OP. And most importantly for 'DH' all for free as far as he is concerned. Australia is well known for taking a very serious stance on children being removed from it jurisdiction.

I wonder if it would be possible to have a setting that if someone hasn't read / scrolled through the full thread, they can't comment. Too harsh ?

edited for spelling

Socksey · 01/02/2025 19:31

Basically, you need to make his life less comfortable
Cut phone and any paid tv services for a start
Cut anything that enables him... the kids will be fine with basic tv etc for a while...
Stop making him food... he should be doing that
Stop all cleaning and general housework

asrl78 · 01/02/2025 19:41

HPandthelastwish · 31/01/2025 10:33

I'd move back to the UK and not tell him before. Go and 'visit' family with the children and decide not to go back.

What's he going to do?
He has no assets or money to pay for a lawyer.

The OP risks being jailed for child abduction. I'm not sure something like that requires money to go to the police any more than going to the police to report you have been assaulted would need money.

OldScribbler · 01/02/2025 19:42

HPandthelastwish · 31/01/2025 10:33

I'd move back to the UK and not tell him before. Go and 'visit' family with the children and decide not to go back.

What's he going to do?
He has no assets or money to pay for a lawyer.

That sounds very sensible

Nikki75 · 01/02/2025 19:44

As the only breadwinner at home I'd say you have every right to come back to the uk.
Leave him where he is.
You have nothing you owe him he is living off you using you and setting no good examples for your children.
Sort out all that you need too and make a plan that means you are out of this.

diddl · 01/02/2025 19:46

As the only breadwinner at home I'd say you have every right to come back to the uk.
Leave him where he is.

That doesn't help in regard to the children though does it?

Rachand23 · 01/02/2025 19:50

Chuck the TV out for starters op

RandomMess · 01/02/2025 20:02

I know someone who cut the plugs off their step son devices when he didn't come down for dinner when called after being warned - he was a late teenager, had chosen to move in with them and was "being kept".

It did the trick Grin

croydon15 · 01/02/2025 20:06

Can you get him to agree to let you come back to UK with the children for a holiday and then extend it more and more and tell him it will give him time to find a job.
Agree with other posters that you need a second opinion from a good lawyer.
So sorry about your predicament, sending you hugs.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 01/02/2025 20:06

DPotter · 01/02/2025 19:25

17 pages in and It's a real shame people don't read the updates ........I agree with earlier poster - this will have all the hallmarks of the "Cancel the cheque" thread!.

She can't just take the kids - Australia and UK are signatories to the Hague Convention. 'DH' can report children being taken as kidnapped and the police and courts will pursue the children to be returned and criminal charges for the OP. And most importantly for 'DH' all for free as far as he is concerned. Australia is well known for taking a very serious stance on children being removed from it jurisdiction.

I wonder if it would be possible to have a setting that if someone hasn't read / scrolled through the full thread, they can't comment. Too harsh ?

edited for spelling

Edited

The op's updates at the bare minimum it's not hard 😂

Pessismistic · 01/02/2025 20:07

So sorry for your loss OP can you take paid time off work and tell him you have quit your job as you feel if you can’t beat them join him.
Then say I’m not going to uk but once we lose the house you can go to your parents and I will find myself a new home and you can care for the children 50/50 call his bluff he’s worse than a cocklodger as he married you and now has no respect for you at all. If you can’t do anything about the time off work separate bedrooms leave his washing and don’t shop for him just let him live like a bum but treat him like one hopefully one day you will get home to the uk. I would make him suffer as much as possible he will probably be thinking you are trapped and nothing you can do but there some things you can do. Tell him you are officially separated and if you have to stay in Australia until the kids are older so be it but your no longer going kill yourself trying to take care of him so selfish my blood is boiling and I’m not ever there with him he’s taking the piss out of do not let him give him nothing. Good luck.

MMadness · 01/02/2025 20:19

Alimony isn't a thing in Australia. It only happens in very rare cases, if the person is able bodied and capable, massively unlikely.

Kick him out, he can go on Jobseeker, that'll require him to search for work.

Lazy fuck.

DPotter · 01/02/2025 20:29

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 01/02/2025 20:06

The op's updates at the bare minimum it's not hard 😂

Show quote history

If you go to the original post and click on 'see all' you will get all the OP's 54 posts

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 01/02/2025 20:34

DPotter · 01/02/2025 20:29

If you go to the original post and click on 'see all' you will get all the OP's 54 posts

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly and if someone can't at least just skim through them then why bother posting

Bobbybooo · 01/02/2025 20:37

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 09:57

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

Get another lawyer. Gather evidence of him doing f@ckall. You get evidence that you are depressed yourself. If he can work, there's no way on earth you should be paying alimony, especially if you get the kids.good thing you don't have a house to split with him. Get rid of him. It's only going to get worse.

Mumof3confused · 01/02/2025 21:14

You poor thing. I would absolutely get rid of the TV and any other tech. Just say it’s for the benefit of the whole family to reduce your reliance on screens. Lots of families live without a TV.

Write to his GP about the situation. Say you’re worried about him and say he’s been sat on the sofa for 3 years and does not help with childcare or anything, won’t get a job. The GP might call him
in for a health review.

March him down to the benefits office. Are you sure he’s not claiming benefits and hiding them
from you?

laraitopbanana · 01/02/2025 21:28

Anon1274 · 31/01/2025 10:24

And btw he’s very much aware of your stress. He just doesn’t care

That.

he got you bringing the money in, taking care of the children, doing the housework. Why would he change anything at all?

Stand up for yourself and your dc. Stop including him into your plans and you will see what can be done. If he asks why you guys can’t do this or that anymore, tell
him you had a cut from salary? Put some money aside and run for the hills.

If his family is agreeing so much with him. They can have him?

Good luck op 🌺 it is tough…