Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

Except it’s completely legally wrong (all he has to do is call the police, the rest is free), is specifically what her lawyer has told her not to do and could very well result in the OP losing custody of her children and being criminally prosecuted.

Other than that, very sensible.

Just divorce him. Get a shit hot divorce lawyer and push for minimal alimony. Then, if you cantafford to pay it, don't pay. He would need money to drag you through the courts.

Fgs don't risk having your children forcibly removed from you by leaving the country with them.

Do you really think that the Hague convention's definition of international child abduction would be fooled by the "prolonged holidays" scenario?

It is a good practice to read OP's updates before responding. If the OP doesn't come back in 10+ pages, it is probably not worth replying anyway. If the OP comes back, it often provides relevant context.

The 50% of the time meaning no maintenance is an UK approach, isn't it? Some other countries go more with "child has a right to similar quality of life with both parents" and maintenance can be awarded even for 50:50 case.

What makes you think the children will want to move to the UK? They are born in Australia, have their lives, family and friends there. Maybe short time move for the experience and adventure, but Australia may offer them better quality of life overall.

I think you desperately need to engage with Domestic abuse charities OP.

That you engaged a childminder when you returned to your mothers funeral is useful. Get paperwork that confirms this.
He does nothing.
Spent joint savings.
Do not spend another penny on him, clothes, shoes etc.
Get advice about seperating.
Talk to your job,
Can you reduce your pay and move to a one bed studio?
You need to reduce your situation.
You are being abused.
You do not want him getting any inheritance.
Talk to Child Services.
You need to stop being nice and stop giving a shit about him or what happens to him.
He's an abuser.

I would get a UK lawyer- what he is saying doesn't sound right, alimony for spouses who can work, and are not looking after children full time is rare- it sounds to me like your lawyer might have a better relationship with your husband than with you.
Of course his family are sympathetic with him-they probably don't want to support him, and would much rather you do it.
You need independent advise- not the friends and family of your idle husband.

I think you may have to be in this for the long game. Pretend everything is okay with your relationship and work on him to move back to the UK. Then divorce him there. Otherwise you are stuck in OZ forever as there’s no way he will give permission for you to move back to the UK with the kids once you’re divorced. Sadly I have seen this happen to two sets of friends.

No. No it doesn't

PLEASE read the updates if not the thread

Why a UK lawyer when they are living in Australia?

UK law has no jurisdiction

He's lazy not stupid

True but it is the only way I can think of that would allow the OP to ever return home. The only other option is to come to terms with the fact that you’re living in Oz forever and make a plan to be happy there once divorced.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum and outraged at your treatment. I have RTFT and see you are, sensibly, planning to take further legal advice. Is there a specialist women's organisation that could advise you re the psychological and financial abuse/recommended a specialist legal firm?

Another issue with this is getting him a spousal visa. It’s expensive (application fee and healthcare surcharge = around £4500) and requires the OP to have a job with the required income.

If the OP can’t afford to support him now, can she even afford it?

I’m fairly sure it’s a moot point as he’d be mad to agree to go anyway.

Ok Australian lawyer- it's still completely based on English law though.

Based on but not even close to the same.

https://jjlawyers.com.au/what-is-alimony-in-australia/#:~:text=In%20Australia%2C%20what%20is%20known,they%20attain%20economic%20self%2Dsufficiency.

The lawyer’s page above explains it. Basically in Australia, a non-working spouse may well get alimony for a set number of years until he / she is back on their feet.

If the OP’s husband manages to get himself diagnosed with depression or similar the alimony could be for longer.

Australian law was based original on UK law but there are many differences now - some of which are particularly relevant to the OP, i.e. around very different interaction of divorce and financial separation in Australia versus the UK. I'd suggest the OP sees a second Australian lawyer as the first one doesn't seem that great and move out asap.

He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me.

Jesus woman, why wasn't you eye on the ball?!

May you rise out of the ashes like a Phoenix!

Sending hugs and strength.

My son's dad beat me when I was pregnant and left us. Left me on my knees, but fuck him, I will arise! And I did.

So will you. Have faith. You already have the strength.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him.

Really?! Dump them all. They are not in "your club".

He will never change. Solo mum is so much better with this ball and chain around your neck.

He's checked out.

Just get rid. Kick him out! Moving to the UK is a step later on.

I'd be inclined to take the power cord for the tv with me when I went to work...

You've been a bit passive to allow this for 3 years.

Unfortunately you are getting caught up in provisions that are there to protect genuine stay at home parents. Lazy arses can claim to be a SAHP too. It's good you are documenting that he isn't parenting when he's at home eg having to get a child minder when you were away. Hopefully you're keeping a diary with everything you do for the kids vs what he does, to demonstrate you are the primary caregiver.

Perhaps when you're speaking with a solicitor ask

• what is his obligation to seek paid employment?
• programs such as this exist to help mature workers re-enter the workforce https://www.workforceaustralia.gov.au/businesses/help/training/career-transition-assistance Does he have an obligation to do this or alternatively seek unemployment benefits to reduce any spousal support you may be required to pay?
• what evidence do you need to support you are the primary caregiver?
• if he is not the primary caregiver, is he entitled to spousal support?
• what is his super balance? If he's been earning well up until 3 years ago, he might have an ok balance which is taken into account in property settlement. If his super is greater than yours, would this impact any spousal support obligation? I know you can't access super until later, but if a settlement would require him to transfer some super to you, can you negotiate so he keeps his super and there is nil spousal support?
• do you have a listing of all your assets and liabilities? Super, bank balances, car, credit cards, loans, any other investments

That doesn't make any sense as you are the sole financial provider for your children. Your childrens standard of living is not going to change if you kick/ask your husband to leave the home although if he is on the rental/lease agreement, that might be harder to do.
Would certainly stop doing anything for him and not be sharing a bed with him.

OP one of my sisters best friends moved to Australia after marrying an Australian in the UK. They lived here for about 3 years and had a baby then went to Australia. Over a couple of years their relationship was not good. Her husband took to drinking so much he became an alcoholic. She tried to get him to get help but he refused. After two years she found out he had gambled away his car. That was it for her. She waited about a month then got her sister to text her that her Dad was critical in hospital. She showed her husband and said she had to go back to UK to visit him. She packed up a few of dd's things and just 1 case for herself and got a flight home. Her DH thought she'd be away 2-3 weeks. She has never been back. They were buying a house but she told DH to sell it and he could keep any equity. He didn't perdue her through the courts. She was lucky. Her DD has grown up in the UK. After about 3 years after leaving she got a divorce. He just signed the papers. She offered him visits with DD but he said she could visit him when she was older if she wanted too. DD is 13 now and has not seen her Dad since coming back to UK. Sisters friend no longer has an address for exh but she sends a photo of DD to his parents each year and a letter about her progress. His parents write back occasionally but not every year.

What? No. Why post if you know nothing.

As just one example from family law - Australia had no fault divorce for almost fifty years before it was introduced in the UK.

This is really a helpful list, thank you. I checked out the career transition assistance link and there are over 1,100+ listings for assistance in our area. It makes my blood boil that he hasn't done this previously, but it really shows there is no excuse for him not finding work.

I actually don't know what his super balance is, probably not more than mine but he did have a good salary until 3 years ago. Presumably this would come out in a financial disclosure if we go ahead with a divorce.

I know I have been too passive for 3 years, I am kicking myself now but when things are so busy at work and with kids, time runs away. I am actually a bit shocked at the suggestions that this is abuse, while I feel utterly trapped, I had really not considered this before. The more I read about it, it seems like it is.

I'll be asking all these questions when I visit another lawyer. Thank you.

I believe one can file for divorce in the country of choosing, doesn't matter where you are from or where you got married.