Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

546 replies

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 09:57

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Porkyporkchop · 31/01/2025 19:36

While you remain in the home doing all the chores and making him dinner, nothing will ever change. Why would he go to work when you are supporting him and then doing all his housework? Stop his phone and any other things you pay for, move out and let him do his own housework - I bet he starts looking work within a month. It’s not fun being a sahp when you actually have to do work around the house.

Chonkadoodle · 31/01/2025 19:36

Please DO NOT move back to the UK without his consent - he will instigate Hague proceedings against you and force you back. My ex did this and I just spent a year battling him in the Court of Appeal, trying to prove I fled and didn't kidnap our children.

Divorce him where you are - pay the alimony. Change your life and your circumstances and move forward without him.

R053 · 31/01/2025 20:08

I would seek more legal advice. I think spousal alimony is quite rare here in Australia and only given in extenuating circumstances. I know divorced women who were previously SAHMs and they have never got it. If your DH has 50% care of the children after divorce then you might pay him child support, is that what your lawyer means? Is it likely he would even have the kids 50%, as he sounds pretty lazy? How would he afford to house them?

I definitely agree with the advice not to fly home to the UK with the kids without your H’s consent. Australia is quite gung-ho with applying The Hague. I even know of a case in my circle where someone moved with the kids interstate to their parents house and was ordered to return them to live within a 30 KM radius of the old family home.

RudbekiasAreSun · 31/01/2025 20:29

you are in hospitality; ditch the glamour managerial role and became a waitress for few years until he leaves you alone

Garedenhelp · 31/01/2025 21:08

Would moving in with his mum be possible?
As you are getting in debt it would help financially, and she may then encourage him to get a job. But also he would then be adequately housed so if you moved out after 6 months or so you then wouldn't need to pay to house him.

Ohnobackagain · 31/01/2025 21:20

Agree with another poster - document state of house. Eg before and after work. Everything that shows how little he does. Sneaky pics of him on sofa throughout day. You taking kids to and from, and so on. Paint a lovely picture of what a jolly he is on. Document all the times you sent him jobs - everything that shows he is supposed to be searching because he definitely isn’t Mr SAHD of the year 😡

Pumpkinpie1 · 31/01/2025 22:05

How does your husband have access to money if you are the only one working and he won’t claim benefits. Has he free access to your money?
I would make sure he didn’t have access to your money - he’s shown he is not financially responsible.
Stop making things comfortable for him. Why are you paying for cable to for him to sit and watch all day ? I would go through bills and stop non essential luxuries, ie does he have a car ?
Start planning and stop enabling

JoyousPinkPeer · 31/01/2025 22:26

CrispieCake · 31/01/2025 17:00

But could he actually be arsed to travel to the UK to accompany the children back (without the OP there to care for them)?

It's all very well to say "criminal act", "the children would be returned" etc., but if this man can't be bothered to do even the minimum for them, who is going to return them and what are they going to be returned to?

Show quote history

The British authorities will return them to their useless father.

nomoremsniceperson · 31/01/2025 22:44

DeepViper · 31/01/2025 14:58

I paid for a childminder. Yep. Really.

Show quote history

I'm speechless. OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm also sorry you're stuck with this absolute sack of shit at this awful time. I've never met this man but I hate him sith a passion already.

eightIsNewNine · 01/02/2025 01:14

Hmm... I suppose with the spousal visa limitations in the UK, maybe you can't really suggest/pretend/plan to move to the UK together, can you? Or at least not very fast

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 01:46

You could book a holiday for all of you, including him to visit family in the UK and then refuse to go back. This way, you left with him and the children and had his permission. This would probably be ok and it’s clearly not kidnapping if he was present. He can either leave and go back without you all or stay and get a job or you end the relationship.

RosieDelagioooo · 01/02/2025 04:44

Op I don’t have any advice except to say what an utter cunt this guy is and I hope you and your DCs get back to the U.K. and away from him

Original poster
DeepViper · 01/02/2025 05:16

Thank you all so much for the overwhelming support and validation that this situation is not acceptable. Sorry if I can't reply to everyone individually but I have read all your comments and really appreciate them all.

It is clear that I have been utterly blind for the last 3 years and kept hoping things would change, or he would snap out of whatever depressed state he is in. But it's not happening. It has taken being treated like crap/ ignored at Christmas and then my mum's sudden death to make me wake up and see what a shit situation this is, and I know I need to do something about it.

Moving country without consent really isn't an option. I will start with getting an alternative legal opinion and have made an appointment with another solicitor next week. Will update when I get the advice. Thanks again.

OP posts:
CandidHedgehog · 01/02/2025 07:09

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 01:46

You could book a holiday for all of you, including him to visit family in the UK and then refuse to go back. This way, you left with him and the children and had his permission. This would probably be ok and it’s clearly not kidnapping if he was present. He can either leave and go back without you all or stay and get a job or you end the relationship.

And he can return to Australia with the children and she can’t stop him.

If she goes to the UK courts to try and get any sort of court order preventing this, they will take one look at the circumstances and say the Australian courts have jurisdiction.

The Australian courts will then take into account her deceitful behaviour in deciding custody.

Her lawyer has said not to do this.

CrispieCake · 01/02/2025 07:21

CandidHedgehog · 01/02/2025 07:09

And he can return to Australia with the children and she can’t stop him.

If she goes to the UK courts to try and get any sort of court order preventing this, they will take one look at the circumstances and say the Australian courts have jurisdiction.

The Australian courts will then take into account her deceitful behaviour in deciding custody.

Her lawyer has said not to do this.

Show quote history

The question is whether he could be bothered to take the kids back on his own. If he couldn't be arsed and refuses to take them, then it's not kidnapping. This man sounds lazy enough that he'd refuse to do a long flight on his own with the children to look after.

Yogaatsunrise · 01/02/2025 08:00

CandidHedgehog · 01/02/2025 07:09

And he can return to Australia with the children and she can’t stop him.

If she goes to the UK courts to try and get any sort of court order preventing this, they will take one look at the circumstances and say the Australian courts have jurisdiction.

The Australian courts will then take into account her deceitful behaviour in deciding custody.

Her lawyer has said not to do this.

Show quote history

In reality he can’t do that though can he! He doesn’t have the money to even book the tickets back!

Drain him of all money. It’s yours after all. Fly back to the UK together, and give him an ultimatum when you get here. He either stays with you and gets a job in the U.K. or he flies back alone. You ensure there is no house to return to in Australia - given you are paying for it. The day after you leave for the U.K. get the packers in and they will ship it all the U.K.

The ridiculous and grossly unfair system in Australia has given you no choice here op, you are being abused, and I would say almost to the point that it’s slavery. He is forcing you to work FOR him, you can’t leave. He is holding you to ransom and using the Australian system to prop him up. It’s a very serious situation.

Come back with him, and then you will be a much more powerful position. The fact is you must act. You are uniquely vulnerable.

CandidHedgehog · 01/02/2025 08:18

Yogaatsunrise · 01/02/2025 08:00

In reality he can’t do that though can he! He doesn’t have the money to even book the tickets back!

Drain him of all money. It’s yours after all. Fly back to the UK together, and give him an ultimatum when you get here. He either stays with you and gets a job in the U.K. or he flies back alone. You ensure there is no house to return to in Australia - given you are paying for it. The day after you leave for the U.K. get the packers in and they will ship it all the U.K.

The ridiculous and grossly unfair system in Australia has given you no choice here op, you are being abused, and I would say almost to the point that it’s slavery. He is forcing you to work FOR him, you can’t leave. He is holding you to ransom and using the Australian system to prop him up. It’s a very serious situation.

Come back with him, and then you will be a much more powerful position. The fact is you must act. You are uniquely vulnerable.

Show quote history

Men like this always manage to access money somehow.

In this case, if he has had legal advice, he won’t set foot on the plane without return tickets.

If the OP manages to cancel them, he has family in Australia. If they lend him the money for the tickets, there is zero chance of the Australian courts not ordering the OP to repay the cost.

They will also give custody to the father as a result of the blatant bad faith shown by the mother.

He may not care about the children but he’ll probably be very keen on the child support!

OK, best case scenario, he does nothing. Worst case scenario, the OP loses her children. Her lawyer has already told her not to risk it and various people have posted on this thread about people they know either refused permission to leave Australia or even being forced to return children they have removed.

It’s all very well to say to ‘give it a go, it’ll probably be fine’ but what percentage of risk of losing their children would most mothers find acceptable? My guess is it’s very very low.

Edited to say: I suspect all of this is irrelevant. All he has to do is refuse permission for the holiday.

DeepRoseFish · 01/02/2025 08:20

OP you do have to get out. Plan a holiday to the UK and never go back.

He does absolutely nothing and this is not going to change. He is a cocklodger of the highest order.

CraftyYankee · 01/02/2025 09:10

"Ignore the very clear law regarding child residence and just come back to the UK, it'll be fine!" is this thread's Cancel the Cheque.🤦🏻‍♀️

eightIsNewNine · 01/02/2025 09:14

Wow, this thread.

International child abduction is defined as taking the child away without consent of the second parent or keeping them away after the agreed period. The agreement isn't stupid enough to be fooled by holiday, otherwise everyone would do it.
It isn't an Australian invention, it is international treaty where the UK is another signatory.
It is a special kind of criminal proceedings where state supports the wronged parent and actually act, so it isn't as expensive as civic court hearing, especially between two signatory countries.
------
Any planning/pretending/requiring to move together to the UK (it wouldn't be "returning" for majority of them) would have to start with dealing with the UK spousal visa for him, which would be expensive (1000+ £ just for applications, proving the income threshold, ...), one can't just come and live in the UK just because they are married to a citizen.

----

Yes, it is hard, but the law makes sense for general case and having children somewhere means accepting that that place becomes their default residence.

lakesandplains · 01/02/2025 09:17

Think people are just upset for @DeepViper that she's stuck in Australia for now. But a legal divorce there to get away from him and separate your life is still well worth it.

If not anything else, your kids in what 8 years will both be adults. You'll be able to move back then for sure as he can't veto.

2catsandhappy · 01/02/2025 10:53

I suspect he is not claiming benefits so he can't be forced, by Government rules, to look for work.

I can only hope @DeepViper you leave him behind and set up a new home with the dc. He can sit in the old house getting hungry with no wifi or electric. Maybe then he will sign on or get a job or go back to his family.

He can't claim sahp if he doesn't live with you, can still see dc.
When he is paying his own way you can divorce him at a later date.

The lawyer said get him to work, you have tried everything else. New plan. Move resolutely forward without him.
Very best of luck x

LivelyHare · 01/02/2025 11:18

I think he is not claiming benefits because he is sitting on all your savings and the income from your investments. He has this money in store for when you pull the plug.

Cut him off financially and stop paying a few bills, to see if you can flush out this money.

puffyisgood · 01/02/2025 12:42

As I said upthread, the Hague convention is serious, serious business. Within my family we've had the experience of [UK] enforcement officers turning up at the child's grandparents' UK home on the basis of a suspicion that they were harbouring a mum who'd fled the US with her child. Eventually the mother will be forced to return to the country she's left [if she wants to stay with the child] and will have obliterated her standing in the divorce/custody courts.

See also https://www.hague-mothers.org.uk/#:~:text=The%20FiLiA%20Hague%20Mothers'%20Campaign,are%20victims%20of%20domestic%20abuse.

Home - Hague Mothers

A FiLiA Legacy Project to raise awareness of the impact on mothers affected by decisions made by the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction and fight against injustices perpetuated by this legislation.

https://www.hague-mothers.org.uk/#:~:text=The%20FiLiA%20Hague%20Mothers'%20Campaign,are%20victims%20of%20domestic%20abuse.

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 13:40

CandidHedgehog · 01/02/2025 07:09

And he can return to Australia with the children and she can’t stop him.

If she goes to the UK courts to try and get any sort of court order preventing this, they will take one look at the circumstances and say the Australian courts have jurisdiction.

The Australian courts will then take into account her deceitful behaviour in deciding custody.

Her lawyer has said not to do this.

Show quote history

It was a question I asked, not an instruction. I asked could she do this and it appears she can’t. I also wasn’t aware she was in Oz when I commented. Had I known that at the time I would have known she couldn’t take the kids because a friend of mine is in the same position there. Thanks for the info.

OP I think the advice to split and get your own place in Australia is the way to go. Take the children with you and he can see them 50/50 to allow you to work. I doubt he will want to do that though because he’s a lazy sod. If he has them 50% of the time then I would imagine you won’t need to pay him child support. If he has them less, he will have to pay you child support. So, he’ll have to get off his arse and make some money to fund his home, bills, child support and food. Once the children are adults or old enough for the courts to let them decide which country they want to live in, you can return to the UK if you want. It’s not ideal but it’s better than living with this cocklodging twat.