Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

Depending on the country she’s in, she can be arrested for kidnapping if she leaves the country with their children without his consent.

I’d be asking a lawyer but u don’t think the two are necessarily different when it comes to The Hague Convention. If he consents to a holiday he isn’t consenting to more and I assume the rules would kick in.

The whole alimony issue is very circumstance dependent. I know someone who’s paying 90k a year for an exH. But he never worked for the entirety of the relationship. He billed himself as a SAHD slash artist but in reality he was neither.

Whereas OP’s DH had always worked previously but is currently unemployed.

The lawyer is right to flag the alimony issue, but it’s not a given that he would get it.

He gets 90k a year for having done nada?!

What a system!

You don't. Move back by stealth and worry about it later.

He isn't going to be able to afford solicitor/court fees etc. Maybe it'll galvanise him into getting a job (though I doubt it)

And I'm sure his enabling family will be happy to house and feed him.

I think that OP is right in that many PP here - including myself - don't understand the legalities of separation, divorce and custody in Australia.

Another PP suggested splitting it into stages to be tackled one at a time, this is sound advice.

Removing the kids from Australia under any guise is absolute stupidity and puts the OP at high risk of a criminal charge, and at worst, losing custody of her children.

OP, you need to find time to work this process out step by step in purely practical terms. FWIW I would say step one is identify and get your hands on the paperwork for anything and everything joint. House, rental agreement, car, pensions, savings, and I would add to that anything you pay for.

In a divorce, it appears there is little interest in squireling away spearate funds because you'll have to declare everything anyway. Ironically, I also agree that cutting off his phone contract could be interpreted as financial abuse (can you imagine if a "bread-winning" husband left his SAHM wife without a viable means of communication?).

Step two would be qualified legal advice, either through a solicitor, a support organisation such as an equivalent to Women's Aid, or through an employee support service. Does you employer offer salary sacrifice for such services? It might make it easier to pay for. You need precise figures on what a financial separation would look like and what your responsibility towards him might realistically be.

Step three is to get as much support around you as you can - talk to your friends, your colleagues, actively ask for help as people will want to support if they know what you are going through. Work out if you can afford childcare, if you would be entitled to any state support, what/where you can afford to live.

Once you have this clear in your mind - writing it all down helps - you can act. I think your only focus right now needs to be separating from and divorcing this man, and making a secure and calm home for your kids.

Literally everything else can wait until you have dropped this millstone from around your neck. You're already doing everything anyway, it can only get easier without him draining your every ounce of energy.

Op, if you separate might your dad come over on a tourist visa fir a few months to give you support? It really might help you.

Stupid advice.
International child abduction is a criminal act. In many countries he wouldn't have to pay solicitors or court fees, he would just report it to the police and the state would act to get it's abducted citizens home - in this case there is no doubt about their usual residency.

Sorry this is rather long. I've become too invested!

The relationship has obviously broken down well beyond repair, to be honest, so I would split at whatever financial cost.

I'd be more concerned that he'd use his supposed role as "primary carer" to expect full custody of the children and subsequently higher alimony.

That said, if you forced him into that position could he actually be bothered to provide a home for his children if it meant he actually had to look after them?

Interestingly the FCFCOA website says that spousal maintenance is to be paid when the spouse is "unable to adequately support themselves".

It also says that both parties have an equal duty to support and maintain each other as far as they can.

It shouldn't, in my non-legal opinion, mean that he gets to walk away with no responsibility but be paid for doing nothing.

I'd look into the phrasing of the spouse being "unable" to adequately support themselves. If he got off his arse and got a job he'd be able to look after himself. He's not unable to work. He's unwilling.

A few websites I've seen say that spousal maintenance can be for a fixed period of time to allow the financially disadvantaged spouse time to improve their own situation.

It also says that it's calculated on a variety of factors including the age, health and earning capacity of the party seeking support, as well as the care of children from the relationship. The fact that you pay school fees for your SEND child should therefore be taken into account in terms of your own ability to pay him.

I'd definitely get a second opinion from another family lawyer.

In the meantime, I'd start giving him a list each day, by text or email, of everything that you think should be done in the house each day. Then when he's not done it, send a text the next day, and the day after that.

You're then starting to build up a paper trail that may be able to be used against him to prove that he's not fulfilling the standard SAHD role. Not sure if it would be useful, but there's no harm pointing it out to him. Hopefully he'll get fed up with the nagging and leave of his own accord!

I agree with others to stop doing anything that benefits him directly. Cut costs to TV services that aren't necessary, stop doing his washing. Make him live like he lives alone in his own home.

I'd also give him a deadline. "Sort yourself out and get a job in 6 months or I'm divorcing you". I suspect even if he does get a job in 6 months you'll still divorce him, but at least if he gets the job you'll not have to worry so much about the alimony!

Stop doing ANYTHING for him. No washing, cooking, anything.

Let the selfish bastard mope himself to death. Save what you can. Get proper legal advice.

Im sorry op, what an arsehole!

Can you evidence this? It may come in handy.

Then what access to money does he have?

Don't pay for ANYTHING that's personal to him
Turn off the WiFi when you don't need it
No TV packages for him
No food specifically for him
No laundry
No cooking

NOTHING a wife would do for a husband or partner

What does he do with the kids?
Does he ever go out?
Get the lease changed to your name only

OP has said that he cleared out their savings and sold investments without consulting OP. I wonder where that money has gone. He could have opened an account in his name that OP isn't aware of and transferred the money from their savings and investments into his own account. That would be financial abuse on his part.

Make sure you keep record of that. It's a useful but of evidence in demonstrating he is not the primary care giver.

The thing with the example above is that the poster wasn't specifically left the money. It was a decision from her mum to come out of her own inheritance

So until it's handed over it doesn't belong to that OP

I'd focus on divorce and staying in Australia for the time being. Then consider the UK

Really feel for you op, it's such a tough situation

Also surely he wont qualify for any state paid old age pension , so you will have a hanger on for life ?

No he doesn't

Someone who cares doesn't behave like this

But could he actually be arsed to travel to the UK to accompany the children back (without the OP there to care for them)?

It's all very well to say "criminal act", "the children would be returned" etc., but if this man can't be bothered to do even the minimum for them, who is going to return them and what are they going to be returned to?

On this point, what did your legal advisor say? He's taken joint assets and removed them? Do you have proof he's p*ssed the money away or is there a chance he's hiding the money / invested in bitcoin or some other wild scheme?
He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me.

Because evidence of financial abuse cuts both ways. I'd be divorcing him tout suite in case he is borrowing money and I'd be held liable as a joint debt. Find a way to legally separate as soon as possible would be my advice.
What would also be useful to establish is if you line up all your ducks could you conceivably:
Rent a new property for three
Relocate with the kids, serving divorce notice and seeking full-time custody.

Would you then have the kids FT, saving reasonable contact until such time as a judicial order/mediation had taken place?
Does the level of SEN your child has make it desirable for there to be a 100% resident parent with facilitated contact EOW or similar? Is a 50:50 arrangement ever going to work there?

Not without his permission!!!

The same system that used to work for women I'm sorry to say

Although has changed now, depends on how good the solicitors are

What happens if you quit your job too OP. Or ‘lose your job’ and then claim benefits. Would that shock him into getting a job?!?

You need to read the thread

Could you dad come out to visit you?