Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

He's a very nasty man and I hope you can get free from him. Any way you can turn the electricity off and claim it's been cut off as you haven't paid the bill? I suppose that might be seen as abuse of him but was hoping he'd go and lay on his mother's sofa and be a nuisance there instead

Edited for spelling

Take your chances and leave . My arse by the time you pay rent and everything for the kids there won't be anything left for alimony . The presumably good this is he won't have money to fight you legally ( I don't know if there is a legal aid where you are ).

You will despise this man more and more and he's certainly no role model for your kids

I just don't understand why you are funding his lifestyle?

Would it be financial abuse to leave him with nothing?

Or does that only apply when there has been an agreement for one to support the other?

Don't talk to him about doing more housework, cooking etc TELL him you are no longer doing XYZ. You tell the DC in front of him that as you go out and work Daddy now does everything in the home so they need to ask him for food/clothes/school help and so on.

You have to go hardcore though. When he tries it on and doesn't feed the DC you say to him in front "so you are neglecting DC because you are too lazy to have got them food"

The DC are of an age where they will nag for dinner and clean school uniform etc.

Thank you. They were a bit older when he was let go, 6 and 7.

He's in sales, so I don't think this time out would have affected his ability to do his job. This is the only time that I know of that he has been unemployed. I have known him for 17 years. He used to be pretty ambitious and driven. This is a complete 180 degree turn of the person I married. As I have said earlier, he might be depressed but he's flatly refused to see a doctor or to go to marriage counselling.

Get it all in writing. Even if it's just text messages. Get all your evidence!

I’m so sorry OP. Such a huge loss and so difficult being far away from home.

Why did you pay for a childminder? If say you went away for the weekend now, would he leave the kids starve?

As others have said, this is a form of economic abuse. It might be helpful to look at https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/ and speak to someone there to go through your options. There was a post here last week about a woman whose partner became abusive and how she planned to leave him. Her Nan left her inheritance, but she kept it in her Mums bank account so her partner could not touch it. If your Mum leaves you inheritance can you get your dad to open an account in his name and leave it in there? Then it will be untouchable. Because your parasite husband has already mentally spent the money.

go through your finance and work out what he spends on himself and keep that amount for yourself, or spend it on something for you he won’t want to use. Dont bother cooking his meals, just you and the kids, dont do his laundry. He will get the hint because it will be affecting him

While I sympathise with the idea of doing this, concealing assets in a divorce is a crime if there is any sort of financial disclosure (which is most divorces).

At some point the OP will likely have to sign to say she has told the court about all assets. If the money is hers, hiding it in a family member’s account doesn’t change that fact.

It’s why divorcing before someone inherits is usually a good idea.

Take a holiday back to the UK and don't go back, do you have family who would help you in the UK? You can say it was an impulse to stay if you are challenged.

I'm amazed Aus has spousal support rules, I thought that was just the US, but surely it's means tested you can't be expected to give him money in preference to feeding and caring for your children? Would he have to prove that he can't work and does he get benefits?

She can ‘stay on impulse’ as much as she likes. The children would be returned to Australia though.

There is a reason her lawyer has specifically told her not to do this.

Don't know what happened to my maths there!

So obviously he has never been a SAHD & anyone would see this I would have thought.

if your dad is planning to leave you an inheritance that is in any way significant get him to structure it so your OH can’t benefit. Not an expert but one way might be a trust.

Apologies if others have said the same thing, but in the first instance either:

• divorce
• leave your job and divorce

you can't give him money you don't have so that shouldn't be a concern No point thinking about returning to UK until you're divorced - it's too much to take on in one go

I do have a supportive family in the UK but have been advised by my lawyer not to do this. She didn't say I would need to pay spousal support for sure, just that it could be a possibility, and that I should protect myself by trying to ensure he gets a job before I file for divorce. After reading a few of these replies I am going to get a second opinion on this.

Edited to add: he isn't claiming benefits and he is healthy, there is no reason he can't work, so he can't prove that he is "unable" to work.

The children would be returned to Australia though.

And presumably Op would be paying maintenance for them?

I have just been through similar recently (not Aus)

Your lawyer sounds correct. People in the UK being outraged is very unhelpful. It is what it is.

I would ask what the implications are for you to put savings into an account overseas.
I would move out asap with your DCs
I would start divorce proceedings IMMEDIATELY, he will delay for years.

I would expect to have to stay in Australia until your DCs are 18.

Sadly I would expect to pay (eventually, in 3 years?) a small amount of alimony for 2 or 3 years.

Obviously you can neither abandon nor abduct your DCs.

I agree he has seen a lawyer.
I 100% agree do not move abroad and have DCs like we did. It is a disaster.

Best wishes OP, you WILL get through it x

I suppose, if that is a concern (and thank you for bringing that up), she could buy him the cheapest food out there and let him fix it himself. Buy him the cheapest clothing from thrift stores (called charity shops in the UK?). There is no inherent "right" to have a phone, internet or TV/cable. She is the one supporting the family, and she needs to be the one to make the financial decisions. It sounds like things are quite tight, so removing the excess spending would be a plus for the family.

The OP having proof that she had to hire a childminder when she went to the UK for her mother's funeral should help her be able to prove he is NOT a SAHD. I wish she had taken pictures of the condition of the house before she left and upon her return.

Thank you. So sorry you've been through similar. It's so frustrating. You sound very positive now though. x

Bloody relieved! x

... you will be the minute you move out and apply for divorce, I promise. It is the bit leading up to and the accepting the unjust that is terrible.

That only refers to taking a child out of the country without consent. Not to a situation where the other parent consents to the initial trip but not to the children staying in the new country.

Stop feeding him and washing his clothes.

Could it be financial abuse - fair point.

On the other hand arguably what the husband is doing is also financial abuse.

I would say starving him is financial abuse but refusing to prepare the food or cutting off the TV isn’t.
To the above posters point I wouldn’t necessarily tell him you are cutting him off, make it more about the need to save given there is only one income where previously there was two.

Another poster touched on this, I’m not sure it’s helpful, I’m probably thinking out loud. I’m sure there are SAHM who choose not to work where is causes conflict. And maybe MN goes easier on those. As someone else said never seen this set of facts for a SAHM though.

Some men are happy to trade self respect for a cushy life.