Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

Ok so he’s probably not going to be that fussed. Don’t kidnap them because he might go to the police on principle. Divorce first, let him be the no-show dad then apply to the court to move the children to the UK where you’ll have family support.

There seems to be this odd view that a report under the Hague Convention results in the police descending on the abducting parent and seizing the children. This isn't the case. The Hague Convention is generally concerned with civil liability for child abduction and in most cases relies on the left-behind parent bringing the case to court.

Yep I think you have to leave and establish that this relationship was abusive, and that in no way did you ever agree to support him, and he has NOT been a SAHP. Keep all the documentation you possibly can that he is not actually looking after his own children, not doing household chores etc etc.

Then when you have left and you have no financial obligation to him, then you can look at trying to get out of the country, if that is what you want to do. It might be that once rid of him and everything is settled re contact, it isn't.

It’s frightening how many people don’t realise how easy it is to be trapped overseas once you have children.

That applies even if both parents are British (although obviously it happens more often when one isn’t). If the children are habitually resident in a country, that country has jurisdiction over custody (or residence or whatever that country calls it).

Do a list of all your options then put pros and cons underneath.

You need to make his life as uncomfortable as you possibly can. No cooking, washing, Internet, no food.

I've no idea what I would do, you are in an impossible situation with the Hague convention and him being a fuckwit.

I have nothing to add on the international element here but please please get divorced before your dad dies. I know it sounds brutal but you really don't want to have to sign half over to your H

She said my best hope is to encourage him/ help him to get a job so that I can get divorced without having to pay for him. So, I tried my best and search for jobs on his behalf and spoke to almost everyone I know to see what jobs are out there. I feel like he sabotages interviews, or maybe doesn't even apply in the first place.

the original point of my post was hoping to find some magic solution to make him wake up and realise he can't retire at age 51. I am too resentful to even think the marriage can ever work any more but for his own sake, try to make him get a job.

The Met don’t seem to agree? Or are you saying they are wrong to say it is a crime?

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/missing-person/missing-persons/parental-child-abduction/

Edited to add legislation : In the UK, it’s s.1 of the Child Abduction Act 1984 as amended by the Children Act 1989. It’s an either way offence carrying up to 7 years. That section specifically applies to connected persons (so usually a parent).

I’d be very surprised if Australia doesn’t have similar.

Unfortunately the short answer is you can’t make him get a job if he’s determined not to.

All you can do is make sure you’re not responsible for his expenses by separating.

He won’t get a rental without any income so he will have to move in with family or get a job.

Wow you've got yourself one hell of cocklodger there OP. Irrelevant but out of interest, is he Greek Australian? Greek men are ridiculously coddled and entitled (am Greek, bitter experience) and expect either to be the alpha male or failing that, for the wife to take on the role of their dear Mamma and do everything. Mix that with Australian chauvinism and you have a recipe for disaster!

You need rid OP, your life is busy enough without carrying a dead weight, he will only drag you down.

I think documenting what happened with the savings, and having to pay a childminder to attend a funeral, and what's happening day to day now, would help set the paper trail.
Cutting expenses might help. If you need to keep paying for private school then can you say you have to sell the tv, not pay phone and wifi, all that? Red lentil soup 4 times a week? Sour the milk...
Log with lawyer that you may need to move schools and be clear with friends and family that this is because he does not work and you can't hold it together and your savings are gone?
In one of those moments where he's tearful and promising to change, would he agree to the move? Like if no job in 3 months then you all move, or then he gives the ok for you to move?

Any way to document that he sabotages the interview?

if he doesn't want to work he is probably not even bothering to apply for the jobs but after 3 years he is not going to suddenly g and get a job because you gave him a pep talk.I think the advice to establish there has been financial abuse and that he has spent your joint savings and sold your joint investments without your consent is sound, and to establish he is not the primary carer - in the short term hiring paid child care to establish he's not doing it may be sensible

What a pointless arsehole he is and I'm being mean to arseholes by making this comparison.

You need to separate/divorce but only after taking the best legal advice you can afford. In the meantime, stop doing anything that directly benefits him, no cooking, no doing his washing, no sharing a bed.

OP have you got proof of this? If he wants to argue that he's a SAHD and caring for the kids this kind of refutes that, I mean he wasn't capable of looking after his own kids for a few days - this could count against him

I am loving the term cocklodger. He's not Greek Aussie, just a regular blond Australian with a Mamma who thinks the sun shines out of his arse, but you did make me laugh.

I bet you the fucker got his own legal advice when you first mentioned divorce. He KNOWS what will happen if you decide to walk.

oh yes. I learned my lesson after the drained bank accounts previously and I've been keeping meticulous records and proof of absolutely everything.

a few of my friends think this too. What I don't understand is, as a normal human and a man and a dad, if he has any iota of self-respect, why he would want to laze around on a sofa for the rest of his kids' childhood.

Can you get rid of the tv or set it to only kids stuff if you need it for them?
I think you do need to play the long game in order to make sure he doesn't financially shaft you but in the meantime STOP DOING ANYTHING FOR HIM! Please do not put one single morsel of food in front of him!

no proof of this, just my own speculation based on the fact he has done maybe 5 interviews in 3 years with no job offers resulting.

What a horrible situation for you.

It seems ludicrous that he would be entitled to maintenance due to 3yrs as a "SAHD"(when the kids were 3 & 4!)

Did he give up a career to "look after the kids"?

Has his time out to "look after the kids" seriously affected his career prospects?

Are these three years (which happen to coincide with him being let go) the only three that he has been unemployed?

He's a shit father but sadly that's not reason enough for his kids to be taken to the other side of the world!

Sister I feel you, I had my very own lazy chauvinist Greek cocklodger for many years. His dear darling Mamma thought it was all my fault for not being sufficiently attentive wife and not cooking elaborate enough Greek meals - I wasn't doing that because I was working all hours to KEEP the bugger!

Honestly OP sometimes you just have to let go of the dead weight and keep right on swimming.

Honestly find a way to take away the soaps. At 10 and 11 many DC are able to understand difficult circumstances and might understand not being able to pay school fees because only half the adults are working. If he cares about the kids would that work?

I just don't understand why you are funding his lifestyle? Stop putting any money in the joint account and open one just in your name. Cut off his phone, the cable and the internet. Don't cook, clean, wash his clothes or do anything for him, including buying him food, gifts, snacks, anything. Actually, as hard as it may sound, act like he isn't there. I mean, he really isn't there physically. Go out with your children (use the money you save from internet, cable, his phone) and leave him at home.

Another poster above, get ducks in a row about the fact he took out all of your investments and savings, how he refuses to work. Keep a log of everything you do with the kids, pick-ups, drop-offs, everything, including housework. Take pictures of the messes he makes and doesn't clean up. Keep getting GOOD legal advice.

I wish you the best and hope you can escape this freeloading azzhole sooner than later. But, play the long game if needed.