Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

You've done all she's advised you to do, and hopefully in doing so have some kind of proof to show this.
What's her next step advice?

I think he is probably depressed but he won't see a bloody doctor.

Maybe he is depressed but by not going to see the Dr in all those 3 years due to being so he isn't helping his case that he isn't fit to work and needs to rely on your wage so there's no record there of any evidence he can pull out if it went to in court.

He may go to the Dr and be told, if it is depression, that hanging around at home doing nothing all day doesn't/won't help him....which clearly isn't what he wants to hear.

Does your DH include childcare in being a SAHD?
At the very least he should be seeing to his DC's needs that way.

Don't see it as splitting your family up if you do leave, you've tried your best, your DH knows full well that you're ran rugged yet chooses to sit back and watch you I'd say he's doing enough in contributing to the family falling apart.

If a spouse becomes a lazy sod, you can divorce them. The advice you are getting of being financially abusive (breaking the tv and telling him there's no money for a new one) and tricking him into moving abroad where he is trapped after being dumped are horrid. Also, leaving their Dad behind and starting again in a new country is a lot to put on your kids.

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum OP.

On the one hand, it’s understandable that you’re drawn back home emotionally to be with your family; on the other it makes rational practical sense too - with a deadbeat DH - you’re more reliant on your family.

How expensive do you think a telephone call to the police is?

Also, she’s living in Australia. They most definitely have legal aid in this situation. Also, I’m not sure why you think free legal aid is ‘folly’. In the UK, it’s normally granted to women who are the victims of violent men - are you saying only rich women should be able to protect themselves and their children via the courts or prevent their husband taking their children overseas and refusing to return them?

I think some of the advice especially breaking the TV was tongue-in-cheek and not exactly serious, but yes I do agree it's a horrid situation and not an easy choice for anyone. That's why I am ranting to sympathetic strangers on an anonymous forum! I simply don't know what to do.

I have had some very good and sensible advice here.

Thank you so much. 💔

I suspect he’d dump them on (female) family members and demand as much child support as he could get away with (which he would then not spend on the children).

Op. Stop doing anything for him as of today. No more shopping, cooking, cleaning. He wants something, he needs to do it himself.

I can’t advise over legal matters but you’ve had some excellent advice here.

Stop paying for the luxuries the TV, the cable TV, Internet. Stop with the services, doing his washing, cooking his meal, cleaning up etc.

You'll need to keep him supplied with clothes, charity shop or goodwill type places are fine. Buy him his own food again not the really expensive stuff things like beans and vegetables that hell need to cook if he wants to eat something.

Also call out his behaviour, if there's a washing load tell him before you go to work and if it's not done tell him to go and do it. If necessary provide the carrot, offer him something he misses possibly a beer as reinforcement, like you'd train a puppy.

I'm task blind and if left to my own devices would and do sit around doing nothing. If DH says something like could you put the washing on I'll do it but it wouldn't occur to me otherwise, probably have some ND issues as well as dyspraxia

While I hope you have many more years with your lovely sounding dad, do you also need to consider future potential inheritance?

There's no point in worrying about alimony for a few months (especially when you can prove you have nothing) and then ending up handing over to him money your own parents worked for.

You need to divorce him before this point.

I do think one partner refusing to lift a finger while the other is stressed out of their mind and working every hour - and then spending their assets without discussion or anything to show for it - is a form of financial abuse. I wasn't suggesting she should lie about it, just start to consider the situation through this lens.

I don’t know if this is of any use but could you try saying you’re depressed (not even a lie) and say you all need to go back to the UK for a bit to help your dad. And that you have a job offer there etc - will be better for the family.

Bring him with you and then divorce him once you’re back?

yes... inheritance is very much something I need to worry about, especially having just lost my mum, it's on my mind. I'm getting legal advice on that too :(

Actually, I disagree with that. If someone posted on here that their partner works long hours, and they sit home, doing nothing but watching soaps, the shit would hit the literal fan.
I doubt very much that they would get anything but a question of, "Are you mentally ill? Get off your azz and get a job or start doing the house, meals, wash, cleaning, etc." Few, if any, would say, "Bravo! You go girl!".

I’m so sorry about your mum and that this bastard has stolen any chance you have to grieve her.

He should be stepping up and taking everything else off your plate right now

I'm really amazed by some of these responses telling you to just take the kids back to the UK. They are very naive and obviously have no knowledge of how Austrian authorities treat child abduction including providing legal funding and consular assistance to get children returned. Especially for countries signed up to the Hague convention like the Uk

Can you come back to the UK to “ visit family” or maybe one of your dc would benefit from a medical assessment or similar ? Then just don’t go back. It’s then on him to track you down, pay to go to court for access, arrange somewhere to live to see his children. I bet he won’t bother and you’ll be free from his leeching.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've recently lost your mum.

How did your DH manage with the children while you were away attending the funeral? Did he do it alone or did he rope in his family?

I'm from Nz but have friends in Australia as well and could tell you just from my own social circle the number of women from UK and Ireland trapped in Aus and NZ because they can't take the kids home.. this includes a parent who took her daughters back to UK and was forced to return to Australia and her husband got full custody and she has to pay child support.

It all depends on how bothered he is though. If he wants to keep the kids in Australia with him at all costs, then yes there's a problem. But if he only wants them there with the OP funding everything and being an unpaid nanny and housekeeper, then the problem may turn out to be largely theoretical. Because a court can't order the OP to return, only the kids.

I think everyone means well, but the legal realities are just so different. My own family were giving me this advice too. "Come home and just leave him!". I wish I could. But I have had some really good advice.

Without sounding bitter, if I ever manage to get out of this mess, I really want to somehow warn other younger women to be very careful of having children and marrying someone from another country, no matter how handsome and charming they are at first. It's an absolute bloody nightmare when it goes wrong!

Or he could make one phone call to the police, correctly report her for kidnapping and let the British police do all of that for free.

Under The Hague Convention, the children will be put on a plane straight back to Australia and it would be the OP trying to apply for child custody from the other side of the world, possibly while on bail / going through criminal court proceedings.

Her lawyer has already specifically told her not to try and take the children out of Australia.

I paid for a childminder. Yep. Really.

"Can you come back to the UK to “ visit family” or maybe one of your dc would benefit from a medical assessment or similar ? Then just don’t go back. It’s then on him to track you down, pay to go to court for access, arrange somewhere to live to see his children. I bet he won’t bother and you’ll be free from his leeching"

Seriously do not do this. He would only need to go on the aus gov website (aca) and fill in the application form to initiate the request to the UK to return the children

But the court can order child support / alimony.

Keeping the children gets him more money.

@DeepViper If your lawyer is saying

1. you can't force him to leave or you have to pay for a new home for him and
2. you should not be the one to move out of the home or abandon the children

THEN - what is it practically your lawyer suggests because you can't keep living like this?