Unemployed husband totally oblivious to my stress

[DeepViper]

My husband hasn't worked for more than three years. I am at the end of my tether with trying to get him to understand our financial situation and how stressed I am. We have two DC aged 11 and 10, one of which has special needs and needs significant care and I have to pay private special school fees. I am British but we live abroad.

I have seen a lawyer about getting a divorce but they advised I might need to pay him alimony given his long-term unemployment and I really can't afford this, already I am going into debt every month trying to cover expenses. We have downsized as much as possible. No car, smaller house, we rent, no assets. He cleaned out all our savings and he sold investments without telling me. I am absolutely distressed about making ends meet each month, not to mention our future. I am starting to hate him. He sits on the sofa all day and watches soap operas.

He tells everyone he's a stay at home dad, but he does nothing. Nothing at all. No cleaning, laundry, school admin, homework. I do it all. He refuses counselling. I have a good job but I work 60-70 hour weeks and can't take on a second job.

How can I get through to him and make him get a job? He refuses counselling. He's 51.

My only option is to take the kids and move home to the UK, but my lawyer advised against doing this without consent. when I mention it, he says absolutely not. And yet... he won't work.

I have spoken to his mother and his friends and they all tell me I should be more sympathetic to his situation because it must be tough for him. I am sorry but my patience has run out.

What on earth do I do?

The marriage bit in Australia is irrelevant as they have common law marriage so the OP would be in the same situation if not married.

I really think you need to see a second solicitor. Perhaps the first one thought she was outlining all the potential outcomes but she wasn’t very helpful. You need a lawyer who can help you get out of this shit. Someone who can help you put your case forward.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to remove the children from Australia. If he fights it it will completely go against you and any future legal wrangling.

I also do t think cutting him off financially whilst
living at home is a good idea I.e. stopping his mobile contract or taking away the tv.

Get to a lawyer and divorce him. As said he’ll have no funds for a lawyer to put up much fight. Whereas if you abduct the children he may find a lawyer who will help pro bono.

Then once the divorce is done you could ask him about moving to uk. He probably won’t allow it. But at least you won’t be funding him endlessly.

Out of interest what happens if you separate but don’t apply for a divorce? You tell him you no longer want to be with him and you plan on renting a property separate to him so he either needs to take over the rent of the house you currently live in, or needs to move home. I wonder what that looks like.

Home to his mothers.

Even if you had to pay spousal maintenance it won’t be for long as it’s only designed as a temporary thing and I think the intention is more for people who truly can’t support themselves. I’m not a lawyer but an Australian and seperated.

Even with a bit of spousal maintenance short term, unless he’s mortgage free, he will find living here unemployed very uncomfortable.

The costs of housing, food, power are just huge at the moment.

Send him into a flat to do his own laundry and pay his own power bill and he will quickly agree to the UK.

Once you’re in the UK chuck him & put him in the bin… only joking, give him an ultimatum for counselling, GP or separation.

Could you bring them to the UK and then offer to send them back with him if he flies over and accompanies them back? My guess is he wouldn't bother but no one could say you were kidnapping your children if you were ok for their dad to come and take them back to Australia.

Also op your kids are almost at an age where their feelings will be considered.

i think you need a better lawyer.

Go to Doyle’s website and it will show you who the best/most revered are in your state and area of law.

If I were you I’d put the idea of moving to the UK in the back burner for now, if he’s unlikely to agree to it. Focus on getting divorced and living separately with the children, you’ll probably find you’re happier once you’re divorced and then see if he steps up as a dad or not, if not then you can look at moving to the UK.

I agree with the prior suggestion to separate, for now. Find a new rental for you and the children only, and just stop funding him in any way. That way, down the line, he can't claim ongoing maintenance from you, or that he was the primary carer.

He was in sales, not exactly rocket science, and there are plenty of sales jobs out there. I send them to him every week. He claims he hasn't seen them. It's incredibly frustrating. I agree with you about his mum, of course she will support him although she's a strong woman herself so I can't understand why she isn't being more helpful in terms of giving him a kick for her own grandchildren's sake.

Given how long you have been in Australia, I wouldn't look to moving back to the UK as the only way to get out of this situation.

I think when we are miserable we want to run back to easier times. But you must have friends, colleagues and a life there.

I agree with the advice that this is financial abuse and you should start documenting it that way. He has no record of why he can't work. No health reason and if you can demonstrate you organise the care for the children it makes it harder for him to say he's the primary care giver.

You need to play it smart. Find ways to show the children are cared for in other ways if they have wrap around care, go to a friend etc.

This might take a few weeks but once you start to gather the evidence, leave him.

Don't give him a lot of warning. Just sort somewhere to live and tell him it's happening. Put the onus on him to take action to prevent you doing any of it.

Once you are rid of him you might come to like life again but if not you can review the next steps in a few months.

I don't think it matters either way whether separating or divorcing. My lawyer advised that the courts only really care about custody arrangements for the children, and if we are living separately and I "force" him to move out I could be expected to pay for him to have a place for them to stay. Nothing definite, but this was her advice. Also she said I should not be the one to move out or abandon them.

I hope someone else has pointed out that this would be classed as child abduction and OP would be arrested and extradited to the country she «ran away» from.
She needs the father’s consent to bring the children, or a court order. Preferrably a court order.

Yes, but that assumes circumstances don't change. A once hard-working DH may become a cocklodger, as this thread has sadly shown. I guess we're fucked whether married or not.

You can't give him what you haven't got. You have to fill in a Form E stating what assets you have, what you need now and what you'll need once you split. You don't have to give him alimony, it's not really a thing anymore. You can't stay with him over the worry of paying him.

Go and see a solicitor as it will be worth the cost for peace of mind. I doubt any of you will miss him. You can file for divorce, without telling him, without a solicitor for just under £600. If you see a solicitor and there is no money you might not even need more than that legal wise.

You get legal aid for Hague child abduction cases! And it's also potentially a police matter.

That's only if the OP is unwilling to send the kids back though. If she comes over with them for a holiday and refuses to go back, and he doesn't want the kids returned if he has to care for them full-time, that wouldn't be abduction. The OP could offer to send the kids back with him if he comes and collects them, which he might well not be bothered to do.

OP, has it occurred to you that he is just saying he won't give up the children in order to discourage you from divorcing him? Maybe that's his strategy - to frighten you into staying with him, because you're his unpaid slave and he doesn't want to give that up.

If he's so unmotivated I can't imagine him fighting for shared custody with all the legal and then physical work (housework, childcare, moving house) that would entail. Maybe you can start documenting the state of the house when you come home with photos and keeping a written record of it too. Also, argue with him via text about how little he contributes and see if you can get him to admit in writing that he's not doing anything, then screenshot the whole convo. If you have an actual documented record of him not pulling his weight at home it should be harder for him to argue that he is owed something for having been a SAHD. How old are the children, by the way, and what do they think of their Dad's pathetic and disgraceful behaviour?

It's dangerous but call his bluff. You want to go home. You'd like to take the kids. He says no, you say okay, I'll leave them here and I'll move back.

This is good solid advice. I do have friends and colleagues and a life but I've recently had a traumatic bereavement (lost my mum suddenly) so am not really thinking straight and feel desperate to pack everything up and go home to be with my dad and sisters and family. I went back to the UK on my own for the funeral but had to return pretty quickly to the kids. I am not even really able to grieve properly as I am so stressed about the home situation.

The courts would likely expect her to accompany the children back again.
You’d normally need to provide proof of a return ticket, otherwise it would likely count as an attempted kidnap.

I’d be very careful. My ex avoided court by giving written consent. Turned out he could have withdrawn that consent within a timeframe of 18 months. A court order is best. I was lucky my ex didn’t know the law either.

Could you move elsewhere in Oz - transfer with your current employer, possibly? Could you then take the children with you ? Even if you stayed in state because those are the rules , you could perhaps move far enough away he’d just dwindle off back to his mum’s.

The court has no control over the OP's movements only the children's.

They're 11 and 10. I don't think they really understand the situation.

He won’t step up. And the only possible way of OP avoiding getting stuck in Aus is to leave before divorce. It’s a long shot that he would “agree” to go to the UK, but you don’t know until you try - he may just roll over.

There’s nothing to be gained by not putting it to the test.