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Original poster

To think no means no wrt sex?

142 replies

Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 09:42

I worn drip feed. My marriage is in tatters. DH has form for cheating and I am building up the strength to leave. It's not as simple as leaving, as there has been some emotional abuse going on and I have left when too weak before and just gone back. So please believe me when I say I genuinely am building up the strength to leave. I really am. We share a DD and I have savings put away for a fund to leave so things are in place.

DH doesn't know my plan to leave but knows I'm desperately unhappy. It wouldn't come to a surprise to him I don't think. I have been since his 3rd and final affair came out after I was battling chemo / complications. (His affair started before my illness by the way, so that can't be excused.) people may remember my thread under a different username with me posting about it.

DH still initiates sex. I don't want it and have been firm and clear with this. This morning about 7am he came in the bedroom and said 'DD is in her chair eating Rice Krispies can I come in?' And started initiating sex through touch. I said no, she is not to be left unattended on her own eating. The lounge she was in is in the same floor as our bedroom but I still wont have her unattended. I had merely just opened my eyes at this point and said what I wrote above. He completely ignored it, went under the covers and tried to take my underwear off and started kissing my thighs / trying to get to my vulva.

I felt too fucking frozen to say anything but I got up, shoved the covers over him and went straight out to DD. I can't bear the thought of a 3 year old eating on their own!! Unsupervised!!

He has form to not listening to my boundaries when I say no. Half the time he doesn't listen and keeps trying to initiate.

This can't go on any longer. I know I need to leave. I am so broken and weak due to what he has put me through and I genuinely worry that leaving at the wrong time will lead me back, as it has before, hence why I'm still here.

But I promise I am trying, and I will leave. AIBU to think this is wrong? Or does anyone else leave their young children eating strapped into a seat to have sex? My head is completely mushed I don't know what's real or not anymore. Please be kind, even though I deserve some hard truths here. Thank you.

OP posts:
Thisandthatandthensome · 31/01/2025 09:46

Regardless of young one being in next room eating. If you don't want sex then you don't have to have it. He doesn't listen to what you are saying and pushes on anyway.

Please leave and don't return. Its hard but must be better than 3 different affairs and a man than pushes when you say no.

SleeplessInWherever · 31/01/2025 09:48

No means no always, regardless of the reason.

Kingoftheroad · 31/01/2025 09:51

Contact womens aid for support and help. Please leave today before something worse happens. You are a strong, capable, intelligent woman. Don’t let this cretin destroy any more of your life.

for the sake of your children and their future mental wellbeing please please get them out of this situation.

speak to a solicitor asap and get legal advice. Stay strong

Radionowhere · 31/01/2025 09:52

Doesn't matter why you said no, it's not relevant, you said no. He's repulsive.

User67556 · 31/01/2025 09:56

Sorry but what else needs to happen to get you to leave? I just don't understand this, you have a daughter - you need to set an example here. She's starting to get old enough to understand and notice what's going on around her - if she had just written your post what would you tell her?
Do you have family around or close friends? What made you go back to him last time you left?

Butchyrestingface · 31/01/2025 10:00

I don't see how staying with someone who has already made you weak will help? Surely staying with him will just make you weaker still? As per PP, contacting WA is a good idea. Do you have family/friends to confide in?

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/01/2025 10:03

@Bentley101 I would txt him and say stop trying to have sex with mean . No means No and I am saying NO to you .

Stbxh please listen before you end up in trouble with the law.

Can MN help support you leave in anyway?
Have you spoken to women’s aid ?

Original poster
Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:09

User67556 · 31/01/2025 09:56

Sorry but what else needs to happen to get you to leave? I just don't understand this, you have a daughter - you need to set an example here. She's starting to get old enough to understand and notice what's going on around her - if she had just written your post what would you tell her?
Do you have family around or close friends? What made you go back to him last time you left?

People who aren't in abusive relationships find it hard to understand. When you have been so badly manipulated and gaslit for so many years, it's hard to know what's real and not. It is not as simple as 'just leaving.' I have to put things in place, somewhere to go, money, a whole load of other things.

I have the professionals involved. I am a good mum. DD is fine. I have to be strong enough in myself and my decision to do this on my own. As when I've gone to leave before as I've said above I have gone back. I need to be ready. I can see why that's hard to understand, but it has been so bad and left my self esteem on the floor so much that I have just let him back. I need to get to a place where I know this won't happen again. They say it takes on average 7 time to leave an abuser, and I really think that is true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:11

Butchyrestingface · 31/01/2025 10:00

I don't see how staying with someone who has already made you weak will help? Surely staying with him will just make you weaker still? As per PP, contacting WA is a good idea. Do you have family/friends to confide in?

I am biding my time, but I can't just up sticks and leave. I need to have things in place for me and more importantly DD. She is not in danger and I am not in physical danger, I would never ever allow her to be in danger. It's me who gets the mind games and manipulation. He is a very hands on dad to her and she doesn't have a clue. It all happens mostly when she's at nursery.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 31/01/2025 10:14

He's a neglectful father to leave your DD on her own while eating and is sexually abusive to you. You need to tell him that you don't want sex with him ever again. That due to his previous behaviour, he physically repulses you. If he continues to coerce you and doesn't take no for an answer, please log this with the police.

Please contact some domestic and sexual abuse charities for support and advice on how to leave this dreadful man safely.

User67556 · 31/01/2025 10:15

Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:09

People who aren't in abusive relationships find it hard to understand. When you have been so badly manipulated and gaslit for so many years, it's hard to know what's real and not. It is not as simple as 'just leaving.' I have to put things in place, somewhere to go, money, a whole load of other things.

I have the professionals involved. I am a good mum. DD is fine. I have to be strong enough in myself and my decision to do this on my own. As when I've gone to leave before as I've said above I have gone back. I need to be ready. I can see why that's hard to understand, but it has been so bad and left my self esteem on the floor so much that I have just let him back. I need to get to a place where I know this won't happen again. They say it takes on average 7 time to leave an abuser, and I really think that is true.

Show quote history

Have you got real life support like family and friends though? I don't really get the 'real or not real' comment. Sounds like you know it's all wrong, you can just ignore everything he says because you know its all bullshit. I think you need a real life version of me in your corner - a true friend or family member who can call bullshit and keep you safe- professionals won't do this. Which is why I was asking who you have for support and somewhere to go.

spacepies · 31/01/2025 10:17

3rd and final affair why stay for the other 2.
You should have left at the first one.

myplace · 31/01/2025 10:18

spacepies · 31/01/2025 10:17

3rd and final affair why stay for the other 2.
You should have left at the first one.

Victim shaming. You have no idea of her circumstances. She can’t take to the streets or sofa surf with a child- it would given straight to the dad.

FlowerBee62 · 31/01/2025 10:23

You need to get away from him as soon as possible,there's never an ideal time, waiting around won't help you .What if he decides he's not going to take no for an answer to his advances?

Original poster
Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:36

spacepies · 31/01/2025 10:17

3rd and final affair why stay for the other 2.
You should have left at the first one.

I didn't know about the two previous ones before. They all came out at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:37

FlowerBee62 · 31/01/2025 10:23

You need to get away from him as soon as possible,there's never an ideal time, waiting around won't help you .What if he decides he's not going to take no for an answer to his advances?

Because I need money to put on a deposit for another rental? I am not entitled to anything apart from child benefit due to my earnings. I can't just rock up to a hotel and stay there. I want to have a stable home for my daughter, which is what I have been saving for for the past 18 months.

I can't just magic up funds or a new house, these things take time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:38

I'm not 'waiting around' waiting for him to change. When I wrote I am biding my time and planning my exit, that's exactly what I am doing. I can't exactly go to the streets and the council won't help as I'll effectively be making myself homeless.

What do I do? I don't have family to stay with as they don't have the space.

OP posts:
Outlookmainlyfair · 31/01/2025 10:46

I am a bit stunned at the victim shaming. Well done OP for having a strategy, I hope it get you out of there soon.
yes, no means no and anything else is abuse. Good luck with your plan!

RandomMess · 31/01/2025 10:48

That's great that you have a strategy and well done for sticking to your boundary this morning.

It sounds very grim for you to deal with it all.

How long until you have enough for a deposit? I guess it's going to be complicated with school applications and being released from your current rental?

Flowers
BMW6 · 31/01/2025 10:48

Tell him now that you didn't want to have sex earlier, you don't ever want to have sex with him again and if he won't take No for an answer and tries to make you have sex you'll phone the police and report him for attempting rape.

If he kicks off ring the Police.
If he tries to initiate sex after you've said No ring the police.

Original poster
Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:55

Outlookmainlyfair · 31/01/2025 10:46

I am a bit stunned at the victim shaming. Well done OP for having a strategy, I hope it get you out of there soon.
yes, no means no and anything else is abuse. Good luck with your plan!

Thank you for this. I was surprised from it too, I just came on for a bit of support, not to be blamed for sticking around or not setting an example for my DD.

I really don't want to be here anymore in this relationship, I really am not staying put just because I want to. Ideally I'd like to stay in our current home as DD is settled, we've been here years. I'm hoping that's what will happen and I can use the savings for the legalities of things but just in case he refuses I need to have a best egg for a deposit elsewhere. I should have enough by spring time, only a couple more months hopefully.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:56

BMW6 · 31/01/2025 10:48

Tell him now that you didn't want to have sex earlier, you don't ever want to have sex with him again and if he won't take No for an answer and tries to make you have sex you'll phone the police and report him for attempting rape.

If he kicks off ring the Police.
If he tries to initiate sex after you've said No ring the police.

I've said this to him. He said 'sorry' and he 'didn't realise' and tried to make out that I didn't say no..

Laughable really. It's pathetic. I am so desperately unhappy.

OP posts:
Thisandthatandthensome · 31/01/2025 11:12

Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:11

I am biding my time, but I can't just up sticks and leave. I need to have things in place for me and more importantly DD. She is not in danger and I am not in physical danger, I would never ever allow her to be in danger. It's me who gets the mind games and manipulation. He is a very hands on dad to her and she doesn't have a clue. It all happens mostly when she's at nursery.

Show quote history

What things do you need in place and how long will it take to do that.

Has he raped you? Does he eventually stop, as in the incident where you threw the cover over him. Might he go on to rape you? It sounds a dangerous situation. What if he does and your 3 Yr old wanders in!

HoppityBun · 31/01/2025 11:14

BMW6 · 31/01/2025 10:48

Tell him now that you didn't want to have sex earlier, you don't ever want to have sex with him again and if he won't take No for an answer and tries to make you have sex you'll phone the police and report him for attempting rape.

If he kicks off ring the Police.
If he tries to initiate sex after you've said No ring the police.

Also tell him the relationship is over and you’re planning to leave. You’ve told us, but it seems he has no idea?

Secondstart1001 · 31/01/2025 11:17

You have my full support, having cancer and going through chemo is awful then his affairs come out. Take the time you need and reach out for support here and ignore the ones that don’t understand. I was in mentally abusive relationship, took years and years to leave. I don’t advocate staying for years btw but I had no confidence in myself. Do you have any close family and friends you can confide in or get some support?

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