To think no means no wrt sex?

[Bentley101]

I worn drip feed. My marriage is in tatters. DH has form for cheating and I am building up the strength to leave. It's not as simple as leaving, as there has been some emotional abuse going on and I have left when too weak before and just gone back. So please believe me when I say I genuinely am building up the strength to leave. I really am. We share a DD and I have savings put away for a fund to leave so things are in place.

DH doesn't know my plan to leave but knows I'm desperately unhappy. It wouldn't come to a surprise to him I don't think. I have been since his 3rd and final affair came out after I was battling chemo / complications. (His affair started before my illness by the way, so that can't be excused.) people may remember my thread under a different username with me posting about it.

DH still initiates sex. I don't want it and have been firm and clear with this. This morning about 7am he came in the bedroom and said 'DD is in her chair eating Rice Krispies can I come in?' And started initiating sex through touch. I said no, she is not to be left unattended on her own eating. The lounge she was in is in the same floor as our bedroom but I still wont have her unattended. I had merely just opened my eyes at this point and said what I wrote above. He completely ignored it, went under the covers and tried to take my underwear off and started kissing my thighs / trying to get to my vulva.

I felt too fucking frozen to say anything but I got up, shoved the covers over him and went straight out to DD. I can't bear the thought of a 3 year old eating on their own!! Unsupervised!!

He has form to not listening to my boundaries when I say no. Half the time he doesn't listen and keeps trying to initiate.

This can't go on any longer. I know I need to leave. I am so broken and weak due to what he has put me through and I genuinely worry that leaving at the wrong time will lead me back, as it has before, hence why I'm still here.

But I promise I am trying, and I will leave. AIBU to think this is wrong? Or does anyone else leave their young children eating strapped into a seat to have sex? My head is completely mushed I don't know what's real or not anymore. Please be kind, even though I deserve some hard truths here. Thank you.

'I'm not berating, I was replying to that poster and not the OP. What's the fear? Fear of him? Surely leaving solves that. I just can't wrap my head around it at all, my kids will always be my number 1 priority so I'd find the courage based on that. How do you know I haven't been in an abusive relationship? I have, it was brief and involved rape and I got out of there as quick as possible. I would have ran even faster if I'd had children at that point. That's my point - the waiting makes no sense to me - just acceptance of the control even once you're aware of it which is not fair on the child in my view.'

@User67556 'my kids will be my number 1 priority so I'd find the courage based on that.'

It has taken me an awful lot of courage to even still be living on this earth. I simply cannot 'just leave' or 'run faster.'

I cannot just go to family. I don't need to put the reasons here, and there are a few, but I can't do that. I have also mentioned earlier in the thread staying with family isn't an option.
The police have my STBX a warning and a slap on the wrist. I have gone to the council, I would be making myself homeless if I leave.
I had had extensive chemotherapy, surgeries and 128 days in hospital over the last 3 years. It is not as simple as finding the courage. I so damn wish it was. I don't want to be with him. I don't want him here. I understand your view is coming from your experience but please do not insinuate that my daughter is not number 1 priority. I've been quite busy trying to fight for my life, just so I can be alive to be a parent for my daughter. Of course she is a priority, in every single thing I do.

All I can do is keep saving money so I have a home for her ready for the both of us. Or for me to take over the rent here myself. I don't have any other options. I have been receiving help from IVDA who have been advocating for me. They also don't have any other options. The nearest women's refuge is 18 miles away. The opposite direction of my work.

I don't mean to be blunt in my replies but when I'm made to feel like my daughter isn't a priority, when every single aspect in my life is for her, it's going to upset me. I have nearly saved enough to put on a deposit for a house for us both. It's quite hard going when I've been in and out of hospital with chemotherapy and surgeries in the mix.

I am doing my best and trying my hardest. My daughter IS a priority and she always will be. I would give her the clothes on my back and take a bullet for her. She is the only reason I am still here.

Thank you for your support on here. I really appreciate you ❤️ I'm at absolute breaking point 😭

@Bentley101 this morning incident has rocked you. You might feel down but you are definitely not out. You have a plan in place and sound like a loving and caring mummy. You beat cancer so you can best this too. It’s a few more months … keep yourself safe in that time and do not indicate anything to him
sboit leaving.

Have you been homeless with children recently? Clearly not! Councils don't help anymore. Not everyone can afford to buy a house as a single mother of small child working part time or not at all, or even in good job with childcare costs. In many areas of UK rent is extremely expensive and you could need at lest £3000 for deposit and rent in advance plus some money while you wait weeks for universal credit.
Many mothers put up with their own suffering to build up some stability for their children before they move out.

Please stop acting like a know it all and push people into very serious decisions they are not ready for yet. It's not like OP is stupid and you know better then her about her own life and risks involved for her child.

Thank you for being so lovely to me. I really am trying everything I can. I didn't want this life and I won't have this life forever.

Our home is lovely. I ideally would like to stay here and have him off the tenancy. That's my first plan of action and if that doesn't work I will move with DD. But she is safe here, she loves her little bedroom and has her whole life in this home. It doesn't make sense to me to basically make myself homeless or sofa serf with a pre schooler when she isn't in any danger. I feel it will just make her completely unsettled. I'm autistic and DD is on the pathway, so change for us can be difficult, so I want to make sure I do this as seamless as possible for her. If it means us moving to another place I want to make sure I have enough money saved to give her a lovely new home. It's just a matter of a couple of months. I'm nearly there financially x

Please don’t give up !
Why don’t you go back and report the new incidents. Speak to a solicitor first to see if once you put the new reports forward can the solicitor go for an injunction?
Thos could allow you to stay in your home and be safe ?

@Imbusytodaysorry

That's what I'm planning on doing. I've spoken to a solicitor and it's one option I could try.

The issue is, if he is taken off the tenancy, the estate agent will refund the affordability checks and I'm just under the threshold on my own, which is why I wanted to save so at least I can say to them 'I can pay you X amount of rent in advance' or at least let them give me a chance, as I could afford it here on my own. It will be tight but I've been living frugally anyway with saving all my spare money. But this will be the most ideal option. I'm going to make another appointment with the solicitor.

Thank you for taking the time to reply x

Will rerun the affordability checks**

Apols for the typos

You're not weak, OP, you're very strong for saying no to him, for recognising that what he's doing is wrong and making a plan to leave. You should be proud of your strength. You're going to do brilliantly when you're free x

Would you be entitled to any top up from UC as a single parent or have you already factored that in?

Already factored it in, I earn too much unfortunately :(

Do you really think you are being helpful? Some people don’t have family, they are thousands of miles away or maybe they’re abusive as well.

OP it’s a horrible situation and I hope the end is in sight.

I know! As if everyone has 'only one bedroom' to spare.. some people have to live within their means and don't have spare bedrooms to house an adult and a small child in 🤣

Thank you for your support x

Could she say to a new landlord' we'll sort out the money later? '

It does sound like you have thought things through and are doing it right .
Do it the way that works best for you.

Don’t leave your post ignore the pushy ones with no understanding or compassion for the situation you are in.
plenty people willing to listen. If you are ever to D.M and can try and help or listen.
I wish you all the best with your plans . ❤️

'Also tell him the relationship is over and you’re planning to leave. You’ve told us, but it seems he has no idea?'

@HoppityBun

This isn't the case. He has no idea that I have been saving for well over a year, to leave him.
He wouldn't be surprised at all if I left him tomorrow. I have left him before, and have told him I will leave in the future.

He doesn't have a clue on what I have been working on with my finances and savings.

Can you take yourself out that bedroom and set up in your Dd if that’s the only space there is ?

@Imbusytodaysorry

DD is in her own room but ends up in with me most nights, I have my own room. STBHX is in the spare so all good, I have my own space at least :)

I have no practical advice OP I just wanted to say you might feel weak but you're stronger than you know. You're a fighter and you'll get you and your DD away from this vile specimen when you're ready to. Just know that it's clear you're doing your absolute best and you're an amazing Mum xx
Can you sell any clothes or anything on Vinted or ebay to speed up the deposit?

Keep strong!
xx
PS. One day you will look back at this and realise how strong you are. I hope you have an amazing life x

OP - you’re doing really well with saving. It’s extremely bad advice to say you should tell him you’re leaving. He’s abusive. Abusers become more dangerous when they sense they’re losing control. He only needs to know you’re leaving after you’ve left. From what you say, your family will be useless. Do you have any friends who could come and stay with you for a bit? That might help keep him at arm’s length.

I've reported this post. What a nasty piece of victim blaming to an OP who is going through a terrible time.

😂😂😂😂😂

Corrrr, feel better now do ya? Mummy must be proud. Can't imagine anyone going here a thing like you and if they did I doubt they stayed loyal as you're really scraping the barrel there with your morels.

Hope you feel better now you've got that off your chest, you look utterly pitiful. Thanks for the laughs though 😂😂

Also who said I wasn't sleeping with him? I stopped AFTER his affairs.

Try again hun xoxo

Reported absolutely sicko belittling abuse victims.sounds like you have a lot of experience at doing the same thing given what you are posting