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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think no means no wrt sex?

142 replies

Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 09:42

I worn drip feed. My marriage is in tatters. DH has form for cheating and I am building up the strength to leave. It's not as simple as leaving, as there has been some emotional abuse going on and I have left when too weak before and just gone back. So please believe me when I say I genuinely am building up the strength to leave. I really am. We share a DD and I have savings put away for a fund to leave so things are in place.

DH doesn't know my plan to leave but knows I'm desperately unhappy. It wouldn't come to a surprise to him I don't think. I have been since his 3rd and final affair came out after I was battling chemo / complications. (His affair started before my illness by the way, so that can't be excused.) people may remember my thread under a different username with me posting about it.

DH still initiates sex. I don't want it and have been firm and clear with this. This morning about 7am he came in the bedroom and said 'DD is in her chair eating Rice Krispies can I come in?' And started initiating sex through touch. I said no, she is not to be left unattended on her own eating. The lounge she was in is in the same floor as our bedroom but I still wont have her unattended. I had merely just opened my eyes at this point and said what I wrote above. He completely ignored it, went under the covers and tried to take my underwear off and started kissing my thighs / trying to get to my vulva.

I felt too fucking frozen to say anything but I got up, shoved the covers over him and went straight out to DD. I can't bear the thought of a 3 year old eating on their own!! Unsupervised!!

He has form to not listening to my boundaries when I say no. Half the time he doesn't listen and keeps trying to initiate.

This can't go on any longer. I know I need to leave. I am so broken and weak due to what he has put me through and I genuinely worry that leaving at the wrong time will lead me back, as it has before, hence why I'm still here.

But I promise I am trying, and I will leave. AIBU to think this is wrong? Or does anyone else leave their young children eating strapped into a seat to have sex? My head is completely mushed I don't know what's real or not anymore. Please be kind, even though I deserve some hard truths here. Thank you.

OP posts:
Dery · 10/03/2025 18:43

Congratulations, OP. I only saw your thread today. You’ve done incredibly well.

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 10/03/2025 19:39

So proud of you. Onwards and upwards. There will be tough days but now you are free .

Imbusytodaysorry · 10/03/2025 19:50

@Bentley101 hi that’s amazing news !
How did you make to get him to leave ?
Do you think he will stay an away and not return and try to enter the house ?
Is it worth changing the locks ?

Waterlilysunset · 10/03/2025 19:54

Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:09

People who aren't in abusive relationships find it hard to understand. When you have been so badly manipulated and gaslit for so many years, it's hard to know what's real and not. It is not as simple as 'just leaving.' I have to put things in place, somewhere to go, money, a whole load of other things.

I have the professionals involved. I am a good mum. DD is fine. I have to be strong enough in myself and my decision to do this on my own. As when I've gone to leave before as I've said above I have gone back. I need to be ready. I can see why that's hard to understand, but it has been so bad and left my self esteem on the floor so much that I have just let him back. I need to get to a place where I know this won't happen again. They say it takes on average 7 time to leave an abuser, and I really think that is true.

Show quote history

Edit!! OP that’s brilliant news x

Secondstart1001 · 10/03/2025 20:03

I am very glad he’s away from you! Keep using this thread to get support and advice to keep you strong though you seem to have done marvellously since you posted a few months ago. Once you get an abuser out of your life, you feel a kind of peace you haven’t had in a long time. You actually get to think ahead instead of reacting to the abuse and being on edge. Well done so good to hear this. Stay on this road to being free of him!

Ohshutupdavidyoutwat · 10/03/2025 20:07

Good for you OP. I can't believe the previous comments! Onwards and upwards from here on in 🤗

2025willbemytime · 10/03/2025 20:17

I'm so sorry for all you're going through but your dd IS in danger. If you hadn't have been able to get away from him she could have choked to death.

I have room. I'd help.

LineofTedLasso · 10/03/2025 20:39

Well done. Please stay strong. It's so hard to leave and even though the pain is terrible to start with, it's worth it in the end xx

ohfourfoxache · 10/03/2025 20:48

OMFG, just read your posts OP Shock

I just want to give you a gentle hug, you have done so incredibly well

Enormous congratulations on gaining your freedom x

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/03/2025 22:50

2025willbemytime · 10/03/2025 20:17

I'm so sorry for all you're going through but your dd IS in danger. If you hadn't have been able to get away from him she could have choked to death.

I have room. I'd help.

Helpful. Maybe read OPs updates?

Devianinc · 10/03/2025 22:58

Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:09

People who aren't in abusive relationships find it hard to understand. When you have been so badly manipulated and gaslit for so many years, it's hard to know what's real and not. It is not as simple as 'just leaving.' I have to put things in place, somewhere to go, money, a whole load of other things.

I have the professionals involved. I am a good mum. DD is fine. I have to be strong enough in myself and my decision to do this on my own. As when I've gone to leave before as I've said above I have gone back. I need to be ready. I can see why that's hard to understand, but it has been so bad and left my self esteem on the floor so much that I have just let him back. I need to get to a place where I know this won't happen again. They say it takes on average 7 time to leave an abuser, and I really think that is true.

Show quote history

I totally agree with you. Especially if you really never told anyone.

Devianinc · 10/03/2025 23:01

Bentley101 · 31/01/2025 10:09

People who aren't in abusive relationships find it hard to understand. When you have been so badly manipulated and gaslit for so many years, it's hard to know what's real and not. It is not as simple as 'just leaving.' I have to put things in place, somewhere to go, money, a whole load of other things.

I have the professionals involved. I am a good mum. DD is fine. I have to be strong enough in myself and my decision to do this on my own. As when I've gone to leave before as I've said above I have gone back. I need to be ready. I can see why that's hard to understand, but it has been so bad and left my self esteem on the floor so much that I have just let him back. I need to get to a place where I know this won't happen again. They say it takes on average 7 time to leave an abuser, and I really think that is true.

Show quote history

I’m in my third year and can’t get divorced bc of the finances and my son has been bought into the business. It’s hard to get your head clear. I am still there and it’s not really getting better

Devianinc · 10/03/2025 23:02

Sometimes you can’t just simply walk away

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 10/03/2025 23:50

Just read the whole thread and I'm so pleased to see your update. I know it will be hard, and you will likely wobble but just remember what got you to this point. You will build a happy life with your DD and he can still love her from his own place, so you don't need to give in to any bollocks about wanting to have his family back together. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and yours will now have two houses in it. You have done so well to bide your time and then get him out. I'm sorry the abuse had to escalate for you to feel ready to go it alone, but as you say, hopefully that has given you the strength to make this split stick. You deserve to be at peace in your own home.

Original poster
Bentley101 · 11/03/2025 09:15

EG94 · 10/03/2025 18:35

Be prepared to wobble. Make a list of why you left and re read it every single time you wobble. I knew I was weak when he first left and I didn’t trust myself not to go back. I did the freedom programme and I can’t recommend it enough. Strangely, lately I’ve found myself missing him but rationally I think I miss companionship more than actually him. I’ve processed a lot of what happened. The only bit I’ve kinda kept in a box and I don’t want to open is when I’ve said no, he’s done it anyway, more times than once. I’m not ready to unpack that and I don’t know if I ever will be.

take each day at a time. It will hurt. There’s a song I heard on tik tok and the lyrics say.. I’m a little bit hurt, but a lot more free. I listen to that song from time to time

Thank you for your lovely reply. I'll take a look at that song. I have started a list in the notes of my phone and it currently has 147 instances of abuse and reasons why.

I haven't even scratched the surface. When I'm writing these things and I can see it written down in front of me, I can see just how bad he got and what he did to me. He has left with no key, my lovely dad has fitted a ring doorbell on my front door.

He had one last dig before he left. Saying that the reason we are like this is because the person who told me about the affair told me at the 'wrong time' and it was her fault.

At that point I thought to myself I will never, ever reason with you (or attempt to) ever again and that thought alone brought me so much peace abs liberation. He is also 'concerned' that I'm going to harm myself.

I would never do such a thing. If I had stayed with him forever more then possibly.

I can't believe I was being abused for 11 years and I cannot believe I'm free. I've booked a holiday for me and DD to go away in July to get some sun which I cannot wait for. I can't wait to have what I want for dinner, have whichever friends round, just to exist and be in the comfort of my own home.

Thank you to each and every one of you for the support and continued messages. I am going to start therapy soon. It's looking like I can stay in our home and due to my savings I no longer need a deposit for another place. I will keep that nest egg stored away for a 'just incase' as I know I'm very early on and things can change. But I'll use a little bit of it to get some therapy as I desperately need it.

Also, I had my MRI recently and it was no evidence of disease and stable. That was a huge relief 🙂

OP posts:
category12 · 11/03/2025 09:31

At that point I thought to myself I will never, ever reason with you (or attempt to) ever again and that thought alone brought me so much peace abs liberation.

I love this for you ❤️

I loved it for myself. 😂 It pleases me still after splitting years ago (now you remind me of it) is I never have to defend myself or try to get him to understand my pov ever again.

I'm glad you've made the break. Onwards and upwards 🙌

Secondstart1001 · 11/03/2025 09:41

I lam loving your updates! The holiday will be great for you and dd and I am glad you are moving forward ❤️

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