To think no means no wrt sex?

[Bentley101]

I worn drip feed. My marriage is in tatters. DH has form for cheating and I am building up the strength to leave. It's not as simple as leaving, as there has been some emotional abuse going on and I have left when too weak before and just gone back. So please believe me when I say I genuinely am building up the strength to leave. I really am. We share a DD and I have savings put away for a fund to leave so things are in place.

DH doesn't know my plan to leave but knows I'm desperately unhappy. It wouldn't come to a surprise to him I don't think. I have been since his 3rd and final affair came out after I was battling chemo / complications. (His affair started before my illness by the way, so that can't be excused.) people may remember my thread under a different username with me posting about it.

DH still initiates sex. I don't want it and have been firm and clear with this. This morning about 7am he came in the bedroom and said 'DD is in her chair eating Rice Krispies can I come in?' And started initiating sex through touch. I said no, she is not to be left unattended on her own eating. The lounge she was in is in the same floor as our bedroom but I still wont have her unattended. I had merely just opened my eyes at this point and said what I wrote above. He completely ignored it, went under the covers and tried to take my underwear off and started kissing my thighs / trying to get to my vulva.

I felt too fucking frozen to say anything but I got up, shoved the covers over him and went straight out to DD. I can't bear the thought of a 3 year old eating on their own!! Unsupervised!!

He has form to not listening to my boundaries when I say no. Half the time he doesn't listen and keeps trying to initiate.

This can't go on any longer. I know I need to leave. I am so broken and weak due to what he has put me through and I genuinely worry that leaving at the wrong time will lead me back, as it has before, hence why I'm still here.

But I promise I am trying, and I will leave. AIBU to think this is wrong? Or does anyone else leave their young children eating strapped into a seat to have sex? My head is completely mushed I don't know what's real or not anymore. Please be kind, even though I deserve some hard truths here. Thank you.

Bloody hell the state of that from PP.

Pretty sure OP doesn’t give a shit if he has another affair now. Will get him out of the house and he might leave her alone while she plans and saves etc.

Op unfortunately you don't have a stable home for your daughter.You live with an abuser and obviously that will have a detrimental effect on you.
I hope you can get away from him asap.No one deserves to be treated like the shit your putting up with from potential rapey bastard.

Nonconsensual sex has a name: rape. And your husband - even if he were only verbally pestering you and not even touching you - has a descriptor: sex pest. You know that you are not being unreasonable to stop him, shun him, and get him out of your life for good. And out of your daughter's life, if you can.

So what are you looking for here?

The lack of empathy and basic understanding of a person who is in an abusive relationship on this thread is shocking. But not surprising given MN’s history.

It’s great that you have a strategy. I suppose my initial suggestion would be trying to build a bit of a support network if that’s at all possible - friends through work, hobbies, family. Anyone really who could back you up and/or provide a place to stay if you really needed it while you get on your feet.

Best of luck. I hope you get out soon.

Your question was would you leave 3 year old to eat alone and yes I would. Not too have sex but I often left my 3 year old to eat breakfast whilst I got dressed for work.
I’m not commenting on the rest as there is nothing to say that hasn’t been said

Exactly. A LL will not be interested in anyone who cannot instantly provide what they are requesting. Social housing is an option but again it’s not an overnight process.

Sometimes you have to play the long game in these scenarios.

This is a ‘man’. They started a thread recently about how their partner never touches them and they watch porn. I’ve reported their vile post too.

I agree with everything you say apart from my daughter doesn't have a stable home.

She has a lovely home. She has a stable come. The abuse happens while she's at pre school.

Many posters on here have undoubtedly questioned my parenting saying that my daughter is not my priority and she doesn't have a stable home.

I cannot just 'run'. I need money to pay the landlord. I am trying with solicitors to stay un this home to keep her life stable.

My marriage and I don't have a stable life, granted. But my daughters is absolutely stable. It's really starting to hurt that other posters are insinuating im harming DD.

A bit of support?

Thank you. ❤️

I really appreciate it. So many posters have been rude and quite unrealistic. I'm grateful they haven't experienced this so don't understand it, but a little empathy goes a really long way doesn't it.

Thank you for your support x

I'm not sure you're being realistic when it comes to staying in your present rental.

First you've got to get your partner to agree to leave and take his name off the tenancy, which he's super-unlikely to do.

and second, the affordability. Even if you can pay a bit in advance, they'll be thinking medium to long-term you can't afford it.

I think you need to look around for places you can afford without stretching so much, once you have enough for the deposit and some moving costs. Maybe somewhere furnished. Then you can just up and go.

I know you'd love to keep the home for your dd and change as little as possible, but you need to have some flexibility in your budget and somewhere he doesn't have keys.

Sorry, I realise you've been talking about finding somewhere else for the most part, I just think you should let go of the hope of staying in situ altogether.

It's worth a shot when this has always been DDs home, but I am preparing myself to have to move.

I'm hoping to go down the route of an injunction via a solicitor.

Either that, or I would take on a second job in order to meet the threshold. I am only just under it by a couple of thousand. But yes, I am mentally preparing to move.

Taking on a second job to meet the affordability threshold might be a good plan. Is it a private rental, and how's your relationship with the agent/landlord? Just wondering whether they might be able to bend the rules for you to be able to stay?

I'm sorry some people are giving you grief. While leaving 'straight away' is definitely the ideal option, circumstances don't always allow for that - and you've said multiple times that you are making plans and taking steps to get yourself closer to freedom.

@Bentley101 sounds like you’re getting a plan together to make this as easy and painless as possible for your DC. Do you have any support IRL? From my own experience, it definitely helps to have someone confirm that you’ve done the right thing, both before and after you’ve left.
You’re far stronger than you realise, good luck

I think there is a lack of awareness about Autism here. One of the traits is knowing every detail of how something is going to happen, whicj I think relates to the op. Also she doesn’t want to unsettle her Dd who could potentially have autism - change for autistic children is really hard. I’m no expert but this week I took part in something to do Autism and I chose to educate myself.

It's really not worth wearing yourself out doing two jobs imo.

You'll need to spend time with your dd to help her adjust and give yourself time to recover and be kind to yourself after escaping the abuse. You'd also have to consider childcare costs. It's just a house.

Another place would be safer (as you wouldn't necessarily have to share your address with your ex and he wouldn't have had access to any keys) and you could make it your own and your dd's.

It sounds so awful that you could consider living in a refuge until you get accomodation sorted.

I did this when my children were toddlers and it was fine.

My daughter isn't in danger and he isn't violent, so it just seems an awful lot of upheaval when I just need to save for a couple more months to either move or take over the rent here.

I am only about 2k under the threshold to live here by myself so the second job will only be very part time.

I am also interviewing for a job role switch in my company that comes with a slight increased pay rise on Monday.

It will take me to just about the threshold so I'd much rather that than a second job, but I always need a plan B or C.

Having said that, if I ever thought DD was in danger I would go to a refugee.

But as stated previously, the nearest one is 18 miles away, in the opposite direction of my work and adds pre school. That's even if that one would have space for us. The second nearest one is 27 miles away.

I'm doing what I feel is best for us at the moment. Keeping her as stable as can be and getting more money under my belt so I can provide her with a safe home for just the two of us. Whether that be elsewhere or our current home now.

Thank you for your advice x

Thank you, again, for fighting my corner here. I really really appreciate it ❤️

@Bentley101 while you are biding your time try and keep yourself safe. Make sure he doesn’t have access to your phone, all these messages on mn and any important paperwork. If you have your marriage certificate and your dd’s passport, now is the time to put them away safe, if not at home in safety deposit box. Get a lock on your room so you feel safe and avoid being alone with him. Don’t make any hints at what you’ve got planned. Sorry if any of this sounds pa
sorry if you’ve already said but it the sexual abuse alongside physical / emotional abuse.
I am so glad you are past being heart broken and will emerge from this all very soon. Look After yourself in the meantime x

Meant sorry if I sound patronising giving you the advice about your safety

As you have already had one previous police report against him I would report his recent sexual assault. This builds up a picture that he is abusive to you.

If you can get an occupation order that means he has to leave even when still on the rental contract which would buy you time to sort out finances plus you would have single person discount on council tax, start claiming CMS etc.

Yes that's the plan with the occupational order that's the route to hopefully go down.

I am very hesitant to report to the police while we're still living under the same roof though.
There was a 3rd party who reported him for something he was doing to me. The 3rd party was a medical professional and I also gave a statement and complied but they gave him a slap on the wrist. So I don't think reporting him would be a good idea whilst under one roof. I'm trying to shield DD from everything, and I think it could be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. That's not to say I won't report him in the future though, after we've separated.

What are you concerned will happen if you report now?

If he kicks off you call the police.

Ask to speak to the domestic violence unit, report it and discuss with them the options. If they arrest him he may not be permitted to return.