To think no means no wrt sex?

[Bentley101]

I worn drip feed. My marriage is in tatters. DH has form for cheating and I am building up the strength to leave. It's not as simple as leaving, as there has been some emotional abuse going on and I have left when too weak before and just gone back. So please believe me when I say I genuinely am building up the strength to leave. I really am. We share a DD and I have savings put away for a fund to leave so things are in place.

DH doesn't know my plan to leave but knows I'm desperately unhappy. It wouldn't come to a surprise to him I don't think. I have been since his 3rd and final affair came out after I was battling chemo / complications. (His affair started before my illness by the way, so that can't be excused.) people may remember my thread under a different username with me posting about it.

DH still initiates sex. I don't want it and have been firm and clear with this. This morning about 7am he came in the bedroom and said 'DD is in her chair eating Rice Krispies can I come in?' And started initiating sex through touch. I said no, she is not to be left unattended on her own eating. The lounge she was in is in the same floor as our bedroom but I still wont have her unattended. I had merely just opened my eyes at this point and said what I wrote above. He completely ignored it, went under the covers and tried to take my underwear off and started kissing my thighs / trying to get to my vulva.

I felt too fucking frozen to say anything but I got up, shoved the covers over him and went straight out to DD. I can't bear the thought of a 3 year old eating on their own!! Unsupervised!!

He has form to not listening to my boundaries when I say no. Half the time he doesn't listen and keeps trying to initiate.

This can't go on any longer. I know I need to leave. I am so broken and weak due to what he has put me through and I genuinely worry that leaving at the wrong time will lead me back, as it has before, hence why I'm still here.

But I promise I am trying, and I will leave. AIBU to think this is wrong? Or does anyone else leave their young children eating strapped into a seat to have sex? My head is completely mushed I don't know what's real or not anymore. Please be kind, even though I deserve some hard truths here. Thank you.

You told him verbally you don't ever want sex again. Put it in writing that 1. You already told him XYZ and that he ignored it so you are now 2. Putting it in writing that you do not want XYZ and if it that ever changes you will both tell him verbally and in writing so it is crystal clear.

This would very much cover your back if he ignores and you need to report him for rape or coercion.

'What things do you need in place and how long will it take to do that.

Has he raped you? Does he eventually stop, as in the incident where you threw the cover over him. Might he go on to rape you? It sounds a dangerous situation. What if he does and your 3 Yr old wanders in!'

@Thisandthatandthensome

No, he has not raped me but I have been sexually assaulted.

And many things need to be put in place, finances and a place to live for a start.
I have been going through horrendous health problems. Cancer in my 20s hasn't been fun to say the least and I had a lot of time off work due to this. So unfortunately I cannot just magic up money and up sticks and leave. If it was that simple, women wouldn't be in abusive relationships.

I really don't know why I'm getting so much shame about not leaving yet. I would've left if I could! I didn't want this life!

Thank you for this and for just being a voice of reason.

I'm on the brink of a break down I just cannot cope anymore and people are quizzing me on my decisions. It's very hard to understand unless you've been through it. I'd never advocate for sticking around either 💔

Thank you, I put it in writing via text to him today just to make it abundantly clear. But this is good advice, thank you.

@Bentley101 feel free to pm me, I am happy to be a listening ear and try help x

I have a friend whose DH was abusive and went through severe PND and aggressive cancer treatment. Her MH worker was the one that was telling her she needed to leave as she had been so emotionally abused by him she believed it was her MH rather than it was his abuse.

I am so sorry you are having to endure this. Perhaps with this latest sexual assault you can phone rights of women and see if it's enough to make an occupation order application?

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I fear it is only a matter of time until he rapes you.
I hope that you are able to leave when it is possible for you. X

Please put a great deal of distance from this neglectful parent and potential rapist. Work out the money later.

I can't work on money later though, as I need to be able to afford to either take the rent over here on my own, or put a deposit down elsewhere for me and DD. It really isn't that simple, I cannot just up and leave with nowhere to go. I already approached the council and I would be making myself 'homeless' and left to my own devises.

I wish people could understand this. It really isn't that simple. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted.

I just wanted to say that I understand. Do you have support from Women's Aid or similar? Are you in physical danger? If he does assault you, including SA, please consider ringing the police. They will be able to remove him and give you breathing space. Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. It sounds like things have been really shitty for you, but you are making good progress. Keep going, you can do this. 💪💐

Do you have family you can stay with until you can sort out a rental? Your currliving arrangements sound horrific for your mental health. Get out asap. Best wishes x

• current living arrangements

Thank you.

The police were actually involved last year due to a separate incident a 3rd party responded to. I complied, gave evidence and a statement. NFA was taken and he was given a warning. I do have an IDVA worker who I speak with every few days who is helping me. I lost faith in the police a little bit when the report from the 3rd party and my supporting witness didn't go anywhere. The police report actually came from a health care professional who I was seeing at the time so I thought it would carry some weight. I'd evidently didn't. I'm so broken x

A 3rd party reported that was meant to say, apologies

Oh Bentley that’s awful, I’m so sorry.

And for the judgement you’ve had here, too. People don’t always see past their own privilege when assessing other people’s behaviour.

Uou are doing everything right. Keep on keeping on. You will get there

Where is your family and friends in all this?

I've asked her this a few times she doesn't really respond. Can't imagine any mum dad or sibling letting her live like this and saying 'sorry we don't have space'. She only needs 1 bedroom.

I totally agree. I worked with abused women for many years and it was made clear that leaving is a process rather than an action. You have to have been in that position to understand . Have all your ducks in a row so that one day when something happens you are instantly ready to walk out that door. Hugs to you. X

I'm so sorry, OP. He assaulted you. I don't know what to say, I know it's not that simple to leave unless you have something in place. Well done holding on to your employment. People don't realise how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship if you don't have money for housing, the abuser won't leave and the police can't help without concrete proof. You are obviously a very strong person.

Why would she wait til something happens?! This is the bit I don't get. Just leave, stay anywhere, save up some money, get a rental or buy a house once the family home is sold. I just don't get this mentality at all especially with a child in the mix.

@User67556 as pps and myself have said, unless you have been in an abusive relationship you will not understand it. It’s a mental block and it’s based around fear. Please don’t make the op justify her actions, I think she has suffered enough and needs support and not berating!

I'm not berating, I was replying to that poster and not the OP. What's the fear? Fear of him? Surely leaving solves that. I just can't wrap my head around it at all, my kids will always be my number 1 priority so I'd find the courage based on that. How do you know I haven't been in an abusive relationship? I have, it was brief and involved rape and I got out of there as quick as possible. I would have ran even faster if I'd had children at that point. That's my point - the waiting makes no sense to me - just acceptance of the control even once you're aware of it which is not fair on the child in my view.

Having sex with your kids awake is fucking creepy as hell, he sounds an absolute wrongun

@User67556 it was the lack of empathy. I am glad you got out quickly but for some after years of abuse, it’s really hard, they are beaten down by it all. I don’t want to derail this thread as it’s meant to be a help for the op. I am just trying to make you see inside the psyche of someone that’s been abused. Shes also had cancer and chemo .

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Have you considered going into refuge with your dd?

(With regard to "making yourself homeless", surely the council has a duty of care where there is domestic violence?)

Otherwise, is there a spare bedroom you could move into, or share with your dd? It would be pretty easy bit of DIY to add a bolt or hook to give you a bit more safety/warning from him and if you put it high up, your dd wouldn't be able to lock herself in.