To think no means no wrt sex?

[Bentley101]

I worn drip feed. My marriage is in tatters. DH has form for cheating and I am building up the strength to leave. It's not as simple as leaving, as there has been some emotional abuse going on and I have left when too weak before and just gone back. So please believe me when I say I genuinely am building up the strength to leave. I really am. We share a DD and I have savings put away for a fund to leave so things are in place.

DH doesn't know my plan to leave but knows I'm desperately unhappy. It wouldn't come to a surprise to him I don't think. I have been since his 3rd and final affair came out after I was battling chemo / complications. (His affair started before my illness by the way, so that can't be excused.) people may remember my thread under a different username with me posting about it.

DH still initiates sex. I don't want it and have been firm and clear with this. This morning about 7am he came in the bedroom and said 'DD is in her chair eating Rice Krispies can I come in?' And started initiating sex through touch. I said no, she is not to be left unattended on her own eating. The lounge she was in is in the same floor as our bedroom but I still wont have her unattended. I had merely just opened my eyes at this point and said what I wrote above. He completely ignored it, went under the covers and tried to take my underwear off and started kissing my thighs / trying to get to my vulva.

I felt too fucking frozen to say anything but I got up, shoved the covers over him and went straight out to DD. I can't bear the thought of a 3 year old eating on their own!! Unsupervised!!

He has form to not listening to my boundaries when I say no. Half the time he doesn't listen and keeps trying to initiate.

This can't go on any longer. I know I need to leave. I am so broken and weak due to what he has put me through and I genuinely worry that leaving at the wrong time will lead me back, as it has before, hence why I'm still here.

But I promise I am trying, and I will leave. AIBU to think this is wrong? Or does anyone else leave their young children eating strapped into a seat to have sex? My head is completely mushed I don't know what's real or not anymore. Please be kind, even though I deserve some hard truths here. Thank you.

Op I'm sorry about some of the negative comments you have received on this post,but I do hope you can leave soon you deserve so much better.growing up I seen family members suffer at the hands of men and having to go to safe accommodation in other parts of the country,even though I was very young at the time I still need counselling every so often to look at the feelings of anger and distrust I have in men because of what I've seen them do to female members of my family.

I wish you all the best,stay strong you can do this

You can delay the reporting untill you have the money (there is no time scale )
OP are outwith Scotland ?

Oh that's sensible

Where do you propose she lives?

She's already said that they have no room...

Maybe have a little think about how all that could work...

Have you included the money he will have to give you for DC?

Support? Advice? Compassion?

Just chiming in, to re emphasise
No means no.
No explanation or justification is required.
Wishing you strength for next steps xx

I’ve read your posts OP.

Sorry I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say that I disagree when you say you are weak.

you are strong for putting up with his shit every day and everything he has put you through. Get your ducks in a row. You are doing it.

OP, trying to take the emotion out of this, and plan: how much money do you need to get together to find a deposit and a cushion for another place to rent? Because - much as you like where you are - your husband might not agree to leave and come off the tenancy. And it might take longer and more time and money than you have to secure an occupational order. And it involves a degree of legal risk.

So: how much is your income, how much can you afford to rent each month, how much do you need to get together a deposit, and how long will that take you? If you break it down into weekly/monthly chunks, that might help put a very practical, calming framework around a difficult emotional situation?

I have completely lost faith in the police when they have him a slap on the wrist for something a medical professional saw.

They took a statement from me and they took it no further. I won't say what happened, but there was concrete proof, witnesses and he admitted it.

I would be very naive to trust the police.

But I want to reiterate that it's not violence and I am safe as well as DD.

Hello, thank you for your advice!

I have 4.5k saved. I live in Surrey in an expensive area and I need to stay local as I've applied for DDs school and near my local hospital for treatments and potential admissions.

The rent will be for a 2 bedroom flat between £1300 & £1600. Could be slightly more or mess.

When it comes to affordability, I am the main bread winner so I doubt husband will stay on it as if I say I'm leaving he will have no choice to leave as he cannot afford it on his own and won't pass the checks. Whereas if I can either use savings or a promotion at work to get me to a threshold I'll definitely do that.

If he was violence or physically abusive I would absolutely move for sure. But despite his awful manipulative behaviour, he isn't dangerous or violent. Which is why I'm okay with him knowing I am here. I can at least give it a try on my own and if it goes wrong I can always rent somewhere else later on.

We're on a 12 month contract with a 6 month break clause so it wouldn't take me long to get out.

I've been saving £250 a month for about a year and a half.

£4.5k is enough to get a flat deposit, but I also need to factor in solicitors fees to get me out of this mess, savings in case I'm out of work due to sickness / cancer stuff, and have cash for car repairs and unexpected bills. I'd ideally like to have 5k under my belt as it will be just me.

I will get maintenance but he earns a lot less than me, so I'm just trying to go with worst case scenario in case he won't pay it. I think he will though as even though he's a twat, he adores DD and she adores him. Even if he does stupidly trap her into a chair and try to have sex with me while she's eating.

Hope that explains everything a little better. Thanks for replying.

Also thank you @Nanny0gg for also standing up for me. You actually stood up for me on the thread where I spoke about my husbands affair and cancer last time. You really helped me then and I always remember your username. I was under a different username for that post but maybe it'll come back to you as familiar. You are really lovely x

Reporting it isn't about them prosecuting him it's about more evidence to achieve an occupation order. Every time you report to the police it builds up a case history that this is ongoing escalating abuse and you are not safe from his abuse in the marital home.

I think you'll leave him OP. You seem quite on-track but be on your guard with him.

You have a child together so that is a strong incentive for most women to stay but this alone is understandable why you'd want to leave - I have been since his 3rd and final affair came out after I was battling chemo / complications. Bloodyhell.

It's not a good sign when a woman is confused. You just need to keep focusing on his actions rather than what he says.

Thank you, that's really good advice. All I can do is keep trying my hardest and just power through. It's giving me a huge focus at the moment to. There is absolutely no boing back to him once I leave, that's for sure.

There is never the 'right' moment to leave.

I just left a controlling relationship. I've lost friends, my home, my pets. My expenses have doubled, my quality of life has dropped on paper and I am living in a one bedroom studio that costs an eye watering amount.

But you know what? I have never been happier.

I'm not being constantly criticized, dismissed or stonewalled. I have my autonomy back. I'm not anxious all the time, double-checking everything and doubting myself. I found my peace and that is priceless.

I know children complicate it. I know there is so much that feels insurmountable.

You might not be in danger, but you deserve so much more than that. You deserve to be content, to just have your worries be everyday ones. Eventually, when you're ready, you will be loved by someone else who respects you and brings out the best in you. You deserve that.

My best advice: Go have a free consultation with a family lawyer. Tell them everything and try and come up with a game plan. Get the basics sorted. Income, budget, housing, childcare. Once you've done that, you might find yourself in a place to actually do it. Talk to your support system and try and find out with realistic levels of support they can provide, i.e., short term housing support.

No judgement here. Leaving is hard short term, but long term, it is absolutely the best thing to do. You will be okay. He has shaken your confidence and yourself as a person, but you will get that back. You just have to leave to do it. It will be hard and you will question it at times, but your gut feeling is right.

Yuk, you've just woken up & within seconds he's kissing your thighs & trying to take off your underwear, not taking no for an answer. Awful.

And no way should he be leaving a 3 year old unattended whilst eating. What a pig.

@Bentley101 Thank you for that, you are very kind.

And you are more than welcome.

You're having an unimaginably difficult time, you're doing your best to get away and you're trying to do it in the best way you can. I just wish people would understand it's not as easy as Leave!

I wish you luck

@Bentley101 Yes you sound like you're on-it at the moment. Good for you. I wish you well.

Hi everyone, thought I'd check in. Today's been a productive day. I re did DDs bedroom and swapped her cot for a single bed. I have secured her passport, mine, birth certificate and various other legal documents.

Husband said that I wasn't happy and he said 'you're going to leave me any day now aren't you.' I didn't give a lot away, but he did say that he'd move out if I did. Of course this is all hypothetical right now as he may well turn around and refuse to leave.

Had a nice choked Sunday with DD. I also had my (updated now of course) will finalised and got the certificate through this weekend, which is huge peace of mind to say the least.

I have an appointment with the solicitor tomorrow too. I hope I won't need many as it will eat into my chink of savings, but it's very necessary.

Thank you all for your continued support, I really appreciate it. ❤️

Good luck for tomorrow and well done for securing the documents. It’s worrying your husband knows his days are numbered though … be careful. I hope you find a good family solicitor. Anything logged with police ( no matter how useless they were, will help). Log any of these things down tonight so you don’t waste money tomorrow as solictors are expensive. You sound good! Your Dd is one lucky girl and you are too for having her ❤️

Hi everyone,

I don't know if anyone will read this but I thought I'd update.

I have left him. I left him on Friday. He has moved out so I can stay in the home. I have taken the key off of him. The abuse got so bad that I couldn't take anymore.

I am starting divorce proceedings this week, I just need a few days to come up for air.

I am utterly broken, but very firm in my decision. In a way I'm glad I didn't leave before as I know I would've gone back. Biding my time was a good thing, as despite feeling broken I feel strong in myself and my decision.

Thank you to everyone who supported me on here.

Congratulations. It’s still just the first steps, and it will have rocky moments, but you are on the way! Well done.

I'm so pleased for you, well done.👍😁

Be prepared to wobble. Make a list of why you left and re read it every single time you wobble. I knew I was weak when he first left and I didn’t trust myself not to go back. I did the freedom programme and I can’t recommend it enough. Strangely, lately I’ve found myself missing him but rationally I think I miss companionship more than actually him. I’ve processed a lot of what happened. The only bit I’ve kinda kept in a box and I don’t want to open is when I’ve said no, he’s done it anyway, more times than once. I’m not ready to unpack that and I don’t know if I ever will be.

take each day at a time. It will hurt. There’s a song I heard on tik tok and the lyrics say.. I’m a little bit hurt, but a lot more free. I listen to that song from time to time