My partner places a different importance on him being close to my family than I do and I don't know how to proceed

[AlertOP]

30F, 33M. We have been together for three years and are loosely planning to get married.

He is seemingly obsessed with the idea of being "fully integrated" into my family as a condition for us moving forward in our relationship. I don't fully understand what this means but I have gathered that he feels that I separate him from my family in a way that he finds unacceptable. I've tried to meet his needs but keep missing the mark.

A brief backstory on my family: it is just me, my mom, and my sister. We all survived and escaped from an abusive patriarch and as a result are pretty close. I live a long drive away from them so only get to see them 1-2 times per year. The holidays especially are a precious time for me with them where we have a lot of traditions and it's always a super rejuvenating time of year for me.

My partner does not really like my mother because she is religious and she has expressed that she's not wild about me dating a non-religious man. I've set boundaries with her on this, and I understand why that's frustrating for him.

Here's a list of things that have happened:

1. The first year we were dating, we had been official for about 7 months when he wanted to come to my family's for Thanksgiving (we are American). I felt this was too soon to be honest but agreed. I did Christmas alone with them that year.

2. The next year, we did Thanksgiving with his family (who live locally). I then decided that I wanted to go do Christmas with my family alone again, which was a huge conflict between us. He was upset that I wanted to go alone. I understand his feeling. I wanted to go alone because I rarely get to see them and the "vibe" of being with just my family is special to me. He finally agreed that he would understand me going alone if I told my family to expect that this would be the last time they would have me alone for the holidays. In retrospect, I don't know that I agree with this. Personally, I would be fine if we always split to our nuclear families for the holidays (we don't and won't have kids) but I also understand that as your partner becomes your closer family it's typical to act as a unit so I've sort of just accepted that.

3. This year, I wasn't able to go home for the holidays due to work. My partner got super upset (bewildering frankly) when I wanted to tell my family alone that I wasn't going to be able to come home. I was going to be visiting them at the time (happenstance close proximity) and he wanted me to set up a phone call so that he could be a part of that news breaking and wasn't happy when I said I'd rather just talk to them alone so it can come up organically.

4. For Christmas this year, we planned for my family to come visit (This didn't happen due to an unrelated unexpected event). He felt very strongly that our families needed to spend a lot of time together and insisted that the whole day be our families together - one side visiting at our house during the day and then going to his other side's for dinner. This after we had also set up a gathering earlier in the week for them to meet. I tried to suggest that we do my family's usual Christmas dinner at our house and he go see his family without us, but that wasn't acceptable to him.

5. My sister and I every couple of years take a specific trip together. My partner has said a couple of times that he wants/plans to go on this trip with us the next time. I haven't broached this with him yet but I know me not wanting him to go is going to be another case of him not feeling "integrated".

I feel of two minds on this - on the one hand, I recognize that I value alone time with my family more than your average person and I definitely can see how feeling separated from your partner's family could be hurtful. At the same time, I start to feel like him wanting to be "integrated" is just him not wanting me to have any distinct relationship with my family from him. What are your thoughts?

He sounds pretty suffocating, is he controlling in other ways?

He sounds controlling. You should be able to visit your family and have a trip away with your sister without him. Do you go out with friends by yourself or does he also not like that either?

I should have described this in the main text, but in general no - I've electively traveled a lot for work this year and he's been supportive of that, and I can't really think of other ways that he is controlling. He sometimes gets a little touchy about me hanging out with friends and saying he can't come (which isn't every time). Which is probably not great, but it's usually not a big thing and just comes from his friend group typically being more fluid and partners come in and out as desired.

It doesn't sound like he wants to integrate more that he wants to take over and be invited to or involved in every occasion, including the trip you and your sister take together.

You say you your mum and sister escaped an abusive patriarch. Your boyfriend should respect that and back off a little. If he doesn't, then you may have just found yourself another domineering male I'm afraid.

he does seem to ' insist ' on a lot of things, doesn't he.

Thankfully you are only ' loosely ' thinking of marriage.

He sounds absolutely exhausting. (I'm also wondering about 'loosely planning' to marry -- usually it's kind of you are or you aren't?) Just tell him he'd be marrying you, not your family, and you will always want time to yourself with your family without him, just as you will always want time socialising with your friends without him. If he can't handle that, he's not the one for you.

I'm quite fond of DH's family, but I certainly haven't 'integrated' into it. I married one man, not a clan. We used to spend Christmas separately, very happily, for many years.

It does sound like you may have escaped from one patriarch into the arms of another. I'd think carefully before committing to marriage.

OP, I'd be giving him an ultimatum that from now you will see your Mum and sister when you like, celebrate holidays on your own etc and see friends and if he can't accept that you need to break up with him. He sounds way too controlling and a little bit scary

This is sort of the point that I'm reaching. What I struggle with is if he came here and posted the opposite - "My partner doesn't want me to spend Christmas with her and her family ever" or "My partner only wants to see her family every Christmas" like yikes that does sound harsh and like he's being kept at an arm's length. I feel like I know what my needs and desires are in this situation but I struggle to feel like they're reasonable.

he is ok with you travelling for work because it doesn't involve close realtionships but he seems to object to you spending time without him with anyone you care about.
That is potentially very controlling and could be designed to isolate you

I can see both sides of this - there are some things, like sulking about you going away with your sister, that I would definitely see as red flags. On the other hand, and putting myself in his place, if my partner told me that he never foresaw us spending Christmas together, I would find this very strange and unloving, and would question whether he was really invested in the relationship as a long-term prospect at all.

Are you invested in the relationship? Some of the language you use about it sounds a bit lukewarm. Which is fine! But worth thinking about.

We don't live close by to my FIL and his wife, so usually see them just before Christmas. I'm an only child, so my parents come to us Christmas Day, and then we go out altogether on Boxing Day. We see 1 of my husband's siblings both days, as she's single and comes to us. His other brother and sister, we don't see over the festive period. I see my husband's family, but we don't live in each others pockets!! Your partner seems to want to be included in everything to do with your family, and be practically joined to your hip!! He sounds rather draining to be honest. You are perfectly entitled to spend time with your family, without him there! What's he afraid will happen if he's not there?! I think you need to set some boundaries with your partner. He doesn't need to be with you constantly. He's using the fact he wants to fully integrate with your family, as an excuse to glue himself to you. I definitely wouldn't be marrying this man, because his behaviour is over-the-top and is raising red flags.

You struggle because you grew up around an abusive patriarch and appear to be contemplating marrying another one.

Sounds like he is trying to cut you off from your friends and family by preventing you from ever being alone with them. He sounds very controlling and you really need to think about your future with him, this sort of behaviour usually gets worse.

This is fair - we are going through a big rough patch right now which is probably where a lot of the lukewarm comes from. I have historically been a lot more invested, as I hope is somewhat evidenced by me trying to meet his needs regarding this in the past.

Why does he have to be everywhere that you are? I get such bad vibes from everything you have said. He’s controlling, it is so, so obvious. He inserts himself into social situations whether he is wanted or not. It’s not healthy. Have a conversation with him about boundaries and if he doesn’t sharpen up swiftly then I’d be showing him the door.

Personally I’d say getting touchy about you going out with friends without him is another form of control.

He doesn’t seem to want you doing anything unless he’s glued to your side. That’s not healthy or normal.

There's definitely a few ref flags flying here

Personally I'd be really hurt if my husband didn't want to 'do christmas' together. Does your sister have a partner? I would be doubly hurt if my sil invited my bil but dh didn't invite me. It's not that I don't want my dh to see his mother and sister without me, it's that it's Christmas and I love that dh and I spend the period together going from family to family.

On the holiday with your ds, I think he's wrong to muscle in on that and you should keep that a sisters bonding event.

I am not sure why I feel differently about the two situations but I think it's that Christmas is 'family time' and by going away from him to your birth family you are indicating they are the 'real' family and he's just a boyfriend (which should be fine at first, but not long term).

You've been through a lot. I understood completely why you want to be with your family on your own. Who knows, a different man might understand completely too and give you that space which might actually be what you need to have him there with you sometimes but the control of your present partner is only reminding you of the patriarch from your past, no wonder you don't want him there xx

Controlling.

It will get worse.

Women who've escaped one abuser may attract another. Father mark 2?

I'm sorry but I'm out on a limb here - I'd be really hurt if my DP never wanted us to do Christmas together and clearly didn't want me to be part of his family! You are making it very obvious you don't want to be with him for the holidays etc.
I wouldn't be shifting on the holiday with your DS though.

Have I have understood your 4th point correctly? He wants your family AND his family to hang out together?

That would be my idea of hell!

I can more understand that never spending Christmas together would be sad - but he should be fully supportive of you spending time alone with your family particularly as he understands your background. It's suffocating and overbearing that he can't let you have this time.

Agreed

The two of you sound incompatible

You see your family so rarely I can see why he would like to be included.

Can't you go together but then split time when there, some including him, and some just you and your family.

'He sometimes gets a little touchy about me hanging out with friends and saying he can't come (which isn't every time).'

Even just mentioning this is odd. My DH would never ever say anything like this. Sounds like a controlling attention seeker.