My partner places a different importance on him being close to my family than I do and I don't know how to proceed

[AlertOP]

30F, 33M. We have been together for three years and are loosely planning to get married.

He is seemingly obsessed with the idea of being "fully integrated" into my family as a condition for us moving forward in our relationship. I don't fully understand what this means but I have gathered that he feels that I separate him from my family in a way that he finds unacceptable. I've tried to meet his needs but keep missing the mark.

A brief backstory on my family: it is just me, my mom, and my sister. We all survived and escaped from an abusive patriarch and as a result are pretty close. I live a long drive away from them so only get to see them 1-2 times per year. The holidays especially are a precious time for me with them where we have a lot of traditions and it's always a super rejuvenating time of year for me.

My partner does not really like my mother because she is religious and she has expressed that she's not wild about me dating a non-religious man. I've set boundaries with her on this, and I understand why that's frustrating for him.

Here's a list of things that have happened:

1. The first year we were dating, we had been official for about 7 months when he wanted to come to my family's for Thanksgiving (we are American). I felt this was too soon to be honest but agreed. I did Christmas alone with them that year.

2. The next year, we did Thanksgiving with his family (who live locally). I then decided that I wanted to go do Christmas with my family alone again, which was a huge conflict between us. He was upset that I wanted to go alone. I understand his feeling. I wanted to go alone because I rarely get to see them and the "vibe" of being with just my family is special to me. He finally agreed that he would understand me going alone if I told my family to expect that this would be the last time they would have me alone for the holidays. In retrospect, I don't know that I agree with this. Personally, I would be fine if we always split to our nuclear families for the holidays (we don't and won't have kids) but I also understand that as your partner becomes your closer family it's typical to act as a unit so I've sort of just accepted that.

3. This year, I wasn't able to go home for the holidays due to work. My partner got super upset (bewildering frankly) when I wanted to tell my family alone that I wasn't going to be able to come home. I was going to be visiting them at the time (happenstance close proximity) and he wanted me to set up a phone call so that he could be a part of that news breaking and wasn't happy when I said I'd rather just talk to them alone so it can come up organically.

4. For Christmas this year, we planned for my family to come visit (This didn't happen due to an unrelated unexpected event). He felt very strongly that our families needed to spend a lot of time together and insisted that the whole day be our families together - one side visiting at our house during the day and then going to his other side's for dinner. This after we had also set up a gathering earlier in the week for them to meet. I tried to suggest that we do my family's usual Christmas dinner at our house and he go see his family without us, but that wasn't acceptable to him.

5. My sister and I every couple of years take a specific trip together. My partner has said a couple of times that he wants/plans to go on this trip with us the next time. I haven't broached this with him yet but I know me not wanting him to go is going to be another case of him not feeling "integrated".

I feel of two minds on this - on the one hand, I recognize that I value alone time with my family more than your average person and I definitely can see how feeling separated from your partner's family could be hurtful. At the same time, I start to feel like him wanting to be "integrated" is just him not wanting me to have any distinct relationship with my family from him. What are your thoughts?

All this.

I think this is absolutely on point Op. He needs to understand that him wanting to be fully integrated as he puts it, doesn’t work if your mum and sister don’t want that too.

He wants it all his way., and that smacks of someone who habitually disregards others feelings. He does not sound like a keeper to me.

OP, the most optimistic thing to say is you need a frank conversation with him about different expectations you both have of family relationships, and of need for personal space. It is quite legitimate for people with different family experiences to have differing wishes but you need to make clear that his family experiences and expectations and yours are not compatible so a solution needs to be found. In your case there is the particular trauma in your family background that he needs to acknowledge. He also needs to be sensitive to and respect the boundaries drawn around your mom, sister and yourself in response to it. His reaction to this will tell you a lot. As others have said, he may well be controlling, in which case you would be repeating history? ...🍀

I think you are still hugely vulnerable to abuse.
If your radar was working to full throttle you would have backed away from such a controlling man.
He is hugely presumptuous to think he is entitled to your family.

Your mother and sister are yours, not his.
I am married into my 4th decade and I find his view unhinged, controlling and so needy.
You could well find that he won't like you having any alone time with them.

Controlling men love to isolate their partners, never giving them time to reflect and confide in others.
Dangerous, controlling, unhinged and needy.
For goodness sake don't marry him snd inflict him on children.

Let me preface this by saying that I do not have your experience of an abusive father and I have only known a very calm, kind, gracious and loving dh (beside me right now 35 years after meeting).

I take issue with your analysis of the two of you as just having mismatched expectations of what relationships should look like: ie you want separate relationships with family and friends and he wants some mythical “equal” relationships.

In a long, healthy, adult life you are going to have lots of relationships—friends, family, colleagues with whom you have complicated connections. Some intense and historical, some intellectual, some loving, some conflicted or antagonistic.He will too. They can’t all be shared! They aren’t equivalent or exchangeable or equally delightful.

I have a friend from 40 years ago when I was living in Nepal. Right now I have a serious health issue and we have been texting and talking a lot. My DH is 💯 % supportive of me in this health crisis but he certainly doesn’t feel the need to be part of these conversations. I see my parents every week and my dh will also help take care if them but he doesn’t infringe in my private time with them.

The behaviors you are describing with your bf are not ok because they are not organic to the way you want to experience your relationships with your family and friends. He wants to integrate, absorb, judge and then alter those relationships. You need to be brave snd self aware and refuse to be absorbed by his preferences. They are no more legitimate than yours. Yours, being right for you, should be guarded and preserved. Find a man who respects and cherishes your relationships just the way you like them. You do not have to merge and obliterate private relationships in a good romantic relationship. Quite the contrary.

I hope your health issues improve @pikkumyy77.

Glad to read you too have the blessing of a good man.
I too am similarly blessed.

I listened to someone recently giving life advice, someone super successful and wealthy.
Their view on the number one most important decision a person can make is the right life partner, if they want a partner.

They said, above career, money, success.....choosing the right partner to share your journey is the greatest gift you can bestow yourself.

I agree. I have been enormously blessed in my life, and continue to be, but I do think choosing a good partner has been the backbone of my blessings over the past 35 years.

Wishing you well.

Thank you @Windowsand . I hope to be ok after some surgical intervention!

I could not agree more with your post snd observation about the importance of choosing wisely when it comes to a life partner. Everything changes over time:money comes and goes, hair goes (and comes in unwanted places!), weight fluctuates, teeth crumble, people get sick and die. But one’s partner’s character, their basic nature, doesn’t change in that way. People are like wine or cheese: the good ones ripen and the bad ones rot.

OMG so stealing that @pikkumyy77 ..."people are like wine or cheese, the good ones ripen, the bad ones rot"😂👏.

Two of my favourite vices right there!

Within 30 seconds of waking up this morning, and saying one sentence to my husband, he had me absolutely cackling at his witty response.

A shared sense of humour is the greatest of blessings..... long after his hair and your figure have taken a hit😁

I've tried to meet his needs but keep missing the mark.

Be careful, be very careful here.

If this kind of behaviour, setting a standard you cannot reach shows up somewhere, it will happen in other areas.

I'd really really encourage you to see this as his problem of setting you up to fail rather than your not doing well enough. You are an adult, you are perfect and in the right place just as you are.

Anything else really is his problem. Once you understand that, you will start to reevaluate the relationship and will understand better why this is such a red flag.

Reading your updates I would honestly say this might not be the right relationship for you. He can't force a close relationship with your family and he shouldn't try to. I would also consider that a different person would maybe be a better fit. I wonder what your family think of him?

Hi, this thread is now pretty much dead but in case anyone happens across it I would like to give the "final" update - I broke up with him this weekend. It wasn't directly related to this issue but we had an argument that made it ever more clear to me that he doesn't care about understanding or isn't able to understand me and I decided I couldn't live like that anymore. Thank you to everyone who commented here - it was a big part of the push to help me make this decision, even those who commented that I am in the wrong. I'm appreciative of everyone who took the time to read my lengthy comments and respond.

Breaking up is never easy, op, i hope you've got plenty of support around you

That’s reassuring to hear, though I’m sorry things haven’t worked out as you had hoped.

Good decision.
This was a creepy thread and one that would not have ended well.

You will come to be very happy that you listened to your gut and took action.

So many don't and regret it.

Better to do it now than 20 wasted years later. Good call, well done

Just to chime in that I didn’t let my ex meet all my closest relatives/include him in everything. I think deep down, I knew he wasn’t the one,

I think (hope!) this current guy is the one and I couldn’t integrate him fast enough! That said, I still need one on my one time with my family. He’s happy to be included sometimes but would never push in or cause a fuss if I wanted more alone time with them - I would see this as a red flag OP.

edit: sorry, I see you finished it! Good choice and take care

Good luck. It's a brave thing to admit when a relationship isn't working and to do something about it. In the long term it will always be the right decision. X

I’m so relieved to read your update. Well done - it must have been a difficult thing to do, but I’m 100% certain that you’ll only look back with relief. xx

I think you made the right choice. Better things will happen in the future.

This.
He wants to control you. Why would you swap your own lovely family for him ?
He sounds awful.

Look at The Freedom Programme.

The big red flag for you is that your dad was abusive. So you are naturally attracted to men like him. He was you “ normal”.
Break that cycle.

I would strongly advise not marrying him.

Sorry OP, just read your update. I think you made the right decision.

Definately take a look at Freedom Programme though. It will help you notice red flags in future partners.

Sounds like a great decision, how did he take it?

I've just read the whole thread and i think you have made the right decision. This man is not good for you. I'm rooting for you to have a safe and happy future.

The behaviors you are describing with your bf are not ok because they are not organic to the way you want to experience your relationships with your family and friends. He wants to integrate, absorb, judge and then alter those relationships. You need to be brave snd self aware and refuse to be absorbed by his preferences. They are no more legitimate than yours. Yours, being right for you, should be guarded and preserved. Find a man who respects and cherishes your relationships just the way you like them. You do not have to merge and obliterate private relationships in a good romantic relationship. Quite the contrary.

Absolutely fantastic post.

Reread this one OP and let it sink in.

On sorry OP just read further down and saw your update. I think it's for the best for you long term. Well done on standing up for yourself.