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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No judgement please

426 replies

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 13:09

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship.
For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man.
We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away.
I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to.
I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life.
I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle.
Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

OP posts:
wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 01/02/2025 00:58

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 00:13

That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it but I disagree. There is no excuse for adultery or abuse in any relationship in my opinion. Have a nice evening.

Show quote history

There might not be an "excuse" but there is probably a reason.

But then I never rush to condemn anyone without knowing all the facts.

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 01:43

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 01/02/2025 00:58

There might not be an "excuse" but there is probably a reason.

But then I never rush to condemn anyone without knowing all the facts.

Show quote history

You’re working very hard on this thread. Interesting. Goodnight.

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 01:44

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 01/02/2025 00:58

There might not be an "excuse" but there is probably a reason.

But then I never rush to condemn anyone without knowing all the facts.

Show quote history

And no, there’s no reason to be a lying cheat. None. It’s a choice.

Sceptical123 · 01/02/2025 06:28

custardpyjamas · 29/01/2025 13:22

Does your DH having cancer change things that much? Is it a treatable cancer? I don't know if you being miserable is going to help the situation. Would the OM be a comfort to you or not want to know? It sounds like a not very deep physical relationship that has been able to co-exist beside your strong friendship and affection for your DH, just filling another need. Think about it.

This….

Sceptical123 · 01/02/2025 06:32

Calmhappyandhealthy · 29/01/2025 13:25

This is exactly what I was thinking

I don't condone affairs but taking on board everything you've said, OP, why give OM up now?

Show quote history

And this….

if this was a man talking about his cancer - stricken wife on here. There is NO WAY ppl would be saying this kind of thing to
him, no way. Unless he divulged that she was a violent, abusive alcoholic etc who murdered kittens. No doubt more will come out in this thread but I’m going from these early replies to the OP. No way in hell ppl would be saying going with the affair if it was a man.

That said, if there is no affection, why would the OP’s husband expect her to stay with him and look after him, regardless of diagnosis? Unless it’s a mutual agreement and they’re perfectly happy? Which from the OP it sounds to be the case.

Gloriia · 01/02/2025 08:49

'That said, if there is no affection, why would the OP’s husband expect her to stay with him and look after him, regardless of diagnosis? '

Very true, as i said earlier when you receive a serious diagnosis it makes you reevaluate everything. Perhaps he will ditch his hopeless marriage anyway without the op needing to confess. Then he can get his finances in order and spend quality time with people who want to spend time with him.

I'm surprised the dm hasn't picked this up. Every newly diagnosed unhappily married man would perhaps wonder where their wives who don't/can't work spends all their time..

Thisistyresome · 02/02/2025 17:51

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 31/01/2025 16:37

Yes really.

I don't know whether she is telling the truth and neither do you. However, I am always willing to give a poster the benefit of the doubt because I don't like accusing anyone of lying when I have no proof of it.

Fine if you feel the need to kick someone when they're down. I don't.

Show quote history

“kick someone when they're down”

So she is the one suffering from cancer?

Or is she the one looking at the possibility of loosing their father at a relatively young age?

Nope. She was the one who would be looking to get out the door if the cancer hadn’t been discovered. So her being “down” is having to choose between being honest and giving up on an affair…

As for knowing whether she is being honest, I know she is not being totally honest as she take no responsibility for the fact her marriage frittered out. Now you get occasions where you can make a case for one party or other being more responsible but there is almost always blame on both sides. On this occasion she takes no accountability for the and just uses it as an excuse to dodge responsibility for the affair. No mention of traumatic head injury or other extreme event causing total change in the partner which very rarely do occur, but most of the time it is both people allowing things to fall apart.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 18:13

TipsyJoker · 01/02/2025 01:43

You’re working very hard on this thread. Interesting. Goodnight.

Show quote history

Your point being??

Thisistyresome · 02/02/2025 18:20

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 19:35

They've both checked out. However, now from a financial point of view he really is entitled to know so he can get his finances sorted

The marriage is over. It was over ten years ago when he checked out. There is no reason for the op to confess anything and no good will come from doing so. Not for either of them.

Well you could say it was over 10 years ago when she checked out.

These things are very rarely one sided and she checked out then started an affair. She takes no accountability for the state of the relationship, just uses the state that she helped create to justify cheating.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 18:20

Thisistyresome · 02/02/2025 17:51

“kick someone when they're down”

So she is the one suffering from cancer?

Or is she the one looking at the possibility of loosing their father at a relatively young age?

Nope. She was the one who would be looking to get out the door if the cancer hadn’t been discovered. So her being “down” is having to choose between being honest and giving up on an affair…

As for knowing whether she is being honest, I know she is not being totally honest as she take no responsibility for the fact her marriage frittered out. Now you get occasions where you can make a case for one party or other being more responsible but there is almost always blame on both sides. On this occasion she takes no accountability for the and just uses it as an excuse to dodge responsibility for the affair. No mention of traumatic head injury or other extreme event causing total change in the partner which very rarely do occur, but most of the time it is both people allowing things to fall apart.

Show quote history

Obviously not, she is the woman married to this man who has been diagnosed with cancer. She has described her relationship, "a very close friendship" and said that she still loves him.

She clearly intends to support and care for him - which is also a difficult place to be. She is also the one who will have to support their children through this awful time. So it's not as if she's unaffected!!

If she had been "looking to get out the door", she could have done that at any time over the last 2.5 years before the cancer was diagnosed.

Thisistyresome · 02/02/2025 18:27

Vertigo2851 · 31/01/2025 19:50

There is every reason to confess, he has a right to know so he can make sure his finances are in order. Honestly, lies and deceit when he was fit and well bad enough but lies and deceit when he is ill even worse

Why? They aren’t in a relationship and haven’t been for years.

Honesty works both ways. He should have confessed years ago that he didn’t want to be married anymore, and was probably only tolerating her for financial reasons. Instead he happily ignored the marriage problems for years. This is not a man who wants honest conversations.

He is going to get a good deal with the op looking after him, and it’s more than he deserves.

Are you serious?

If you are working on the assumption that the relationship is over then she can just come clean to everyone about her 2.5 year affair.

As for the "good deal" you think he is getting being stuck with a cheater, if it is so good you would encourage her to tell him because he will be so happy at the "deal" he is getting there won't be any negative fall out for her...

I note you don't apply any responsibility to her for the state of her marriage. This isn't the traumatic head injury situation where the husband completely changes and she couldn't have done anything.

RoseofRoses · 02/02/2025 18:38

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wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 18:42

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Indeed.

Thisistyresome · 02/02/2025 18:47

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 18:20

Obviously not, she is the woman married to this man who has been diagnosed with cancer. She has described her relationship, "a very close friendship" and said that she still loves him.

She clearly intends to support and care for him - which is also a difficult place to be. She is also the one who will have to support their children through this awful time. So it's not as if she's unaffected!!

If she had been "looking to get out the door", she could have done that at any time over the last 2.5 years before the cancer was diagnosed.

Show quote history

What she intends do to is continue to lie to him and the rest of the family.

Her desire to support anyone could blow up in her face if her (clearly not very subtle) affair gets back to him, the kids or any of his friends or family.

Do you actually believe she would have been sustaining the having her cake and eat it too situation once the 16 year old moves out in a couple of years if there was no cancer?

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 19:31

I don't know, and neither do you.

Thisistyresome · 02/02/2025 20:47

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 19:31

I don't know, and neither do you.

Well, we do know she is a liar, no doubt about that.

We do know if others were informed it would not be her choice but theirs what “support” she would be allowed to offer, or contact they tolerated from her.

As for the counterfactual, I suppose he may well have ditched her before the youngest turned 18. But the assumption that she will manage to keep this under wraps depends on how effective a deceiver and manipulator she is. Given her total lack of accountability for the deterioration of the marriage, we could read that many ways.

TipsyJoker · 02/02/2025 21:53

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 18:13

Your point being??

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Just an observation. I’m wondering why you’re working so very hard on this thread. It’s intriguing. This has zero impact on your life but your working very, very hard here. Interesting.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 22:59

TipsyJoker · 02/02/2025 21:53

Just an observation. I’m wondering why you’re working so very hard on this thread. It’s intriguing. This has zero impact on your life but your working very, very hard here. Interesting.

Show quote history

Because I don't like to see anyone being piled like this. You can post "interesting" as often as you wish. This situation does not resonate with me, been married for 35 years, no affairs on either side.

I just don't like to see posters get annihilated like this.

You're pretty invested yourself. Interesting.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 23:00

Thisistyresome · 02/02/2025 20:47

Well, we do know she is a liar, no doubt about that.

We do know if others were informed it would not be her choice but theirs what “support” she would be allowed to offer, or contact they tolerated from her.

As for the counterfactual, I suppose he may well have ditched her before the youngest turned 18. But the assumption that she will manage to keep this under wraps depends on how effective a deceiver and manipulator she is. Given her total lack of accountability for the deterioration of the marriage, we could read that many ways.

Show quote history

Whatever.

TipsyJoker · 03/02/2025 00:09

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 02/02/2025 22:59

Because I don't like to see anyone being piled like this. You can post "interesting" as often as you wish. This situation does not resonate with me, been married for 35 years, no affairs on either side.

I just don't like to see posters get annihilated like this.

You're pretty invested yourself. Interesting.

Show quote history

Ok honey 😊

Raynexxbow · 03/02/2025 00:21

Let's turn this around ..pls.
I have been with my wife for 22 years. She has cancer she is unable to fulfill my needs so I've been fucking someone else for the last 2 years .

GrowingSideways · 03/02/2025 00:22

Your poor husband. A cheating wife and now cancer.

If you weren’t happy, you should have left instead of living a lie and inflicting that on your husband.

Raynexxbow · 03/02/2025 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LK2021 · 03/02/2025 00:42

If I was to say what I really want to say I would be banned. Truthfully you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself and so should every person that has defended you. The fact that you are still whining that your husband calls you to have a moan when he is facing a possible death sentence while you are jumping on someone else’s dick is crazy. Get some self esteem and treat your husband with some damn respect. Your husband deserves better. You are being incredibly cruel. I say that as someone who spent nearly 5 years looking after my Dad before he passed from cancer

Lotusflower16 · 03/02/2025 11:38

LK2021 · 03/02/2025 00:42

If I was to say what I really want to say I would be banned. Truthfully you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself and so should every person that has defended you. The fact that you are still whining that your husband calls you to have a moan when he is facing a possible death sentence while you are jumping on someone else’s dick is crazy. Get some self esteem and treat your husband with some damn respect. Your husband deserves better. You are being incredibly cruel. I say that as someone who spent nearly 5 years looking after my Dad before he passed from cancer

This! The hypocrisy here is shocking. If the role were reversed, you would be torn to pieces. You should get your life in order and stop asking for sympathy. You deserve none!