Page 2 | No judgement please

Furball0504 · 2025-01-29T13:09:09+00:00

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship. For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man. We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away. I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to. I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life. I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle. Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

Original poster

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 14:43

MyNewLife2025 · 29/01/2025 14:33

@Furball0504 the OM has been filling a huge need of yours, to be heard and listened to. That’s why you have been able to open up to him. And that’s why it feels so devastating to think about missing that.

I know you love your dh. And clearly carry a lot of guilt about the OM.
But the reality is that he wasn’t able to make you feel seen. That’s a pretty big thing tbh.

How do you move on?
Like you say by telling him it’s over and blocking him. Esp on SM so you don’t have to see him and his new woman all over FB.

Who will be there for you?
Id start with a therapist, a counsellor who you feel comfortable enough to open up to. It will allow you to be heard but also to work through what has happened and how you feel about it all. Incl that crazy idea that it’s somehow your fault if your dh has cancer (that very much reminds me of my Catholic upbringing and how God punishes you for your wrong doings tbh).

Then you need to find ways to fulfil that need to be seen, to be heard, to matter. Some of it, your dh will still fill, even being ill. But you’d probably be better building a network around you. Find friends that are truly friends, not fair weather ones. Look at family members you were close to before.
You need to learn what void the OM was filling. It wasn’t just sex or sexual intimacy. And then work on that.

But please, do find a support network for yourself to cope with your dh diagnosis too.

I am very much alone. I gave up my career for my children (which I have no regrets about and know I was privileged to have that option but it came at a price and loneliness was/is that price). I have no family, I'm an only child and both parents are no longer here. I don't have any close friends. My whole life was dedicated to my family. They take me for granted, I'm just here to clean and cook. So yeah when OM can along and showed me what it could be like I fell for it. Before him, I'd be at home on my own every single day. DH does ring me, but mostly just to moan about his day. I can't remember the last time he asked about my day, not that there's anything to tell. I've just been existing and the OM showed me what is was to live.

OP posts:

Ihopeyouhavent · 29/01/2025 15:09

I dont want to sound harsh, because i do not judge you in anyway.

You will become all consumed with cancer and your thoughts will be on that. Appointments, treatments, your house will be filled with cancer.

Your AP, no matter how much he loves you will realise that there's no times for dates, coffee, sex anymore. If you do meet. your conversation will be taken over by cancer, you wont be loving or fun anymore because of the guilt.

Your AP will know that you choose your husband over him and will be become resentful.

You will feel broken and devastated for a long time and its going to be really hard for you, there will be lots of regret and so many tears. I really recommend finding someone you can grieve with as it will help.

But you will get through it, i promise you x

Lyn348 · 29/01/2025 15:38

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MrsJ92 · 29/01/2025 15:44

spacepies · 29/01/2025 13:57

Feel sorry for you husband op i really do.
But you dont / didnt love him enough to go sleep with someone else.
I have no pitty for cheaters and yes i will judge you as it bloody hurts people ive been there and its awful to find out that not only your not good enough for the one you love not even good enough to have the truth.
Id rather have been told they dont want to be with me and break it off but to be cheated on hurts more being second best when i should have been first.

I agree with this. If it was on the other foot how would she feel? To the OP honestly it's better to divorce than cheat on your spouse no excuses. Make it clear why you are leaving. Affairs break your marital covenant/vows.

Secondstart1001 · 29/01/2025 15:45

I think the only thing to consider as some are encouraging you not to give up the affair - if the worst happens to your DH, your adult DC will eventually realise this affair was long term and going on while their DD was on his death bed. I don’t know your children but I would imagine they would find this unforgivable especially if the OM “ wanted to shout it from the rooftops”.

Original poster

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 15:47

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Yeah you're right, I am a horrible selfish person, scum of the earth who deserves everything she gets. I won't be the first person to be in this situation (which is of my own doing) and I wont be the last. Just hope if youre ever faced with crippling loneliness you don't make a mega fuck up like I have and grab at the first bit of attention you get after 10+ years of feeling like absolutely nothing

OP posts:

MrsJ92 · 29/01/2025 15:49

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 14:43

I am very much alone. I gave up my career for my children (which I have no regrets about and know I was privileged to have that option but it came at a price and loneliness was/is that price). I have no family, I'm an only child and both parents are no longer here. I don't have any close friends. My whole life was dedicated to my family. They take me for granted, I'm just here to clean and cook. So yeah when OM can along and showed me what it could be like I fell for it. Before him, I'd be at home on my own every single day. DH does ring me, but mostly just to moan about his day. I can't remember the last time he asked about my day, not that there's anything to tell. I've just been existing and the OM showed me what is was to live.

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OP I think you may need some counselling to deal with inner wounds. So much to unpack here. Also I hold the belief that a marriage shouldn't have secrets if it should thrive and be healthy. Eventually I think you should tell your hubby the truth and share why. This way you can know the way forward in your marriage. Cut off things with your AP. He is filling a void but has the capacity to also cheat on you if he can knowingly be with a married woman.

sussanna · 29/01/2025 15:53

Since when do men really post about feeling guilty over an affair, or even contemplate breaking it off out of guilt , are they torn as much between duty and love ? To those saying the thread responses are hypocritical , I just wonder if men agonise as much .....over anything ? maybe i am cynical.

OP, I think you should have left within the first few months of the affair starting and not kept it in this state for two years, no judgement - these things happen. Keep a distance for the next 6 months from OM , stay just friends if anything - and focus on caring for DH as a best friend too - when DH is a little better, tell him and leave for OM. If OM cant wait a year and fizzles out, leave the marriage anyway for yourself.

DaringLion · 29/01/2025 15:53

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Spot on

spacepies · 29/01/2025 15:57

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 15:47

Yeah you're right, I am a horrible selfish person, scum of the earth who deserves everything she gets. I won't be the first person to be in this situation (which is of my own doing) and I wont be the last. Just hope if youre ever faced with crippling loneliness you don't make a mega fuck up like I have and grab at the first bit of attention you get after 10+ years of feeling like absolutely nothing

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And the pitty party continues.

ERthree · 29/01/2025 16:14

I think you have put this other man on a pedestal. You say yourself he will move on quickly and has form for it. Is he really that wonderful, i doubt it. I wouldn't be losing sleep over him.
You say there is not physical contact in your marriage, are you both guilty of forgetting to hug or kiss? Good on you for deciding to stay.

MyNewLife2025 · 29/01/2025 16:14

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 15:47

Yeah you're right, I am a horrible selfish person, scum of the earth who deserves everything she gets. I won't be the first person to be in this situation (which is of my own doing) and I wont be the last. Just hope if youre ever faced with crippling loneliness you don't make a mega fuck up like I have and grab at the first bit of attention you get after 10+ years of feeling like absolutely nothing

Show quote history

It’s a valid question though.

I get that your life wasn’t right. You gave up a lot and feel your dh took/takes you for granted.
Thats resentment all over.

But there are many ways to deal with a situation like the one you describe. And yes you could have chosen another path.
Im not sure there is any point or value in getting angry at that statement.

And more to the point, it will not help you moving forward wo the OM.

fwiw I get the being alone, no friends, no support. I’m there too
But You can’t use that as an excuse. This is where you are now. Up to you to change things.

Eg it would be a really good idea for you to look at getting a job.
It would help with the loneliness. But also (and wo being negative), having a job might well be the most important thing to have if your dh is out of work fur months or if he dies.

MyNewLife2025 · 29/01/2025 16:18

Eventually I think you should tell your hubby the truth and share why. This way you can know the way forward in your marriage

@MrsJ92 telling her dh is a good question.
I know that’s usually what posters on MN wpuld advise the OP to do.
But just now? Before getting a final diagnosis or in the middle of the treatment?
I feel that would be over.y hurtful to him. Her dh doesn’t deserve that. Much better that he gets the support from the OP, even if it comes from a place of guilt.
Later, much later on, if/when he is remission etc… then that would be something to consider I think.

MrsJ92 · 29/01/2025 16:24

MyNewLife2025 · 29/01/2025 16:18

Eventually I think you should tell your hubby the truth and share why. This way you can know the way forward in your marriage

@MrsJ92 telling her dh is a good question.
I know that’s usually what posters on MN wpuld advise the OP to do.
But just now? Before getting a final diagnosis or in the middle of the treatment?
I feel that would be over.y hurtful to him. Her dh doesn’t deserve that. Much better that he gets the support from the OP, even if it comes from a place of guilt.
Later, much later on, if/when he is remission etc… then that would be something to consider I think.

Edited

Yes I agree hence I said eventually. It would be way too awful for him to find out now. I really do hope he can pull through this too.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 29/01/2025 16:31

OP, if a woman came on here and posted:

“I’ve been the OW for 2.5 years. He’s trapped in a loveless marriage but he hasn’t left her. We love each other deeply and we are everything to each other. Now he’s just found out that his wife has cancer and he’s said that we can’t see each other any more. He claims he’s heartbroken.”

What do you think the responses would be.

The rights or wrongs of an affair aside, if the OM in this scenario was a woman posting here, she would be told that she was better off without him. She was clearly his bit on the side, was never going to leave his wife, and now he’s made his choice, and that she deserved better and should block and delete and move on to find a real relationship.

At the end of the day you don’t have any respect for either of them. You clearly don’t love your DH or the OM or you would be with one of them.

If you loved the OM you would have left your DH for him.

If you loved your DH you would have ended the affair before now.

It’s one thing to have an affair, a fling as it were, it’s quite the deception to keep that affair going for 2.5 years. That’s not something you didn’t plan, you clearly have been planning all along, how to deceive your DH, how to lie to him every day you go out and have sex with the OM. You were on dating apps, so let’s not pretend that you didn’t ask for this to happen, you were looking for it.

Someone feeling lonely can end up in an affair, I can see that. But this isn’t just an affair, this is a calculated deception.

Your DH deserves better and so does the OM.

Hopefully he will move on to someone who genuinely loves him

Original poster

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 17:26

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 29/01/2025 16:31

OP, if a woman came on here and posted:

“I’ve been the OW for 2.5 years. He’s trapped in a loveless marriage but he hasn’t left her. We love each other deeply and we are everything to each other. Now he’s just found out that his wife has cancer and he’s said that we can’t see each other any more. He claims he’s heartbroken.”

What do you think the responses would be.

The rights or wrongs of an affair aside, if the OM in this scenario was a woman posting here, she would be told that she was better off without him. She was clearly his bit on the side, was never going to leave his wife, and now he’s made his choice, and that she deserved better and should block and delete and move on to find a real relationship.

At the end of the day you don’t have any respect for either of them. You clearly don’t love your DH or the OM or you would be with one of them.

If you loved the OM you would have left your DH for him.

If you loved your DH you would have ended the affair before now.

It’s one thing to have an affair, a fling as it were, it’s quite the deception to keep that affair going for 2.5 years. That’s not something you didn’t plan, you clearly have been planning all along, how to deceive your DH, how to lie to him every day you go out and have sex with the OM. You were on dating apps, so let’s not pretend that you didn’t ask for this to happen, you were looking for it.

Someone feeling lonely can end up in an affair, I can see that. But this isn’t just an affair, this is a calculated deception.

Your DH deserves better and so does the OM.

Hopefully he will move on to someone who genuinely loves him

I wasn't on dating sites! I've known OM for years but just as an acquaintance! I certainly didn't put myself out there. He caught me when I was very low and very vulnerable..but I won't go into that. The OM contacted me

OP posts:

Muffin777 · 29/01/2025 17:43

OP is the real victim in all this ofc… 🙄

boredsh1tl3ss · 29/01/2025 17:50

Muffin777 · 29/01/2025 17:43

OP is the real victim in all this ofc… 🙄

My thoughts exactly. An affair is an affair whether there's these feelings or now the C word in this situation she's only stopping now because her actual husband has cancer! It's actually disgusting in my opinion! Poor bloke sitting at home and now has cancer and she's worried about losing her OM 🙄🙄 the posters on this site at the moment have literally lost the plot!

BlondeMamaToBe · 29/01/2025 17:52

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smithey85 · 29/01/2025 17:54

A one off ONS due to a lack of prolonged intimacy is just about justified in some respects.

A full blown 2.5 year affair, lying, being deceitful, and everything else in-between is the lowest of the low. I'm guessing your DH pays the mortgage, most of the bills and supports you financially to lead the life you want to lead...That's just wrong.

Most people divorce if they no longer love their DP, but a lot don't when they realise they will be financially worse off....and then when a full blown affair starts the influx of excuses and reasons why it happened come spewing out.

You mention a lot in your post how devastated you will be to end the affair, how hard it will be for you and how your heart will break, but you speak very little about the sorrow you feel for your DH having cancer and your feelings towards him.

I hope your DH makes a quick recovery so he can then file for divorce and find someone who loves him as much as you love your affair partner.

Beautifulbouquet · 29/01/2025 17:59

Do the posters who write no judgement please think everyone else loves it?

BlondeMamaToBe · 29/01/2025 18:04

Never fails to surprise me what lengths women go to on MN for a scrap of a man’s attention.

MyNewLife2025 · 29/01/2025 18:06

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Oh no please!

The last thing her dh needs is her self pity!

dairydebris · 29/01/2025 18:10

Come on.
You should have left your husband before you started shagging someone else.
Now you intend to stay with him to salve your guilt, it's nothing to do with doing what's best for him, it's still all about you.
I dont think that gives you any moral high ground at all.

If he wasn't a good enough husband for you then have the courage of your convictions and just leave him now. Then his family can take care of him. Otherwise 2 months in to chemo you're going to be resenting him more and more and mooning over this other man.

I hope he has good other support around him, because you sound useless.

sussanna · 29/01/2025 18:11

A very tough situation OP, but hating yourself and feeling guilty wont be of use to DH and DC right now - be there for him for the next year till he is better, then leave - if its meant to be with OM , he will and can wait a year, if he doesnt then not worth it. you had your reasons for falling out of love with DH but next time dont stay just for financial reasons and let an affair go on for years like that rather than leave immediately - this was always going to happen unfortunately cos you set up the circumstances for something had to give.