No judgement please

[Furball0504]

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship.
For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man.
We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away.
I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to.
I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life.
I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle.
Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

Sorry I may have made a mistake the only reference I can see to how she feels is loneliness. I may have missed a mental health diagnosis though I'll have a quick reread.

The OP won't leave her marriage now, that would make her look too bad!
The opportunity to be honest and decent within the marriage, or in leaving the marriage, is gone, that's where her anguish comes from. Trapped by her own character😪

You have behaved selfishly, despite thinking you are the victim. You have had options ( to work, to make friends, to be honest, to do the right thing) but you have chosen not to. Own that at least

I suggest you get yourself a counsellor as you have a sense victimhood.

If you had cancer wouldn't you want to know your dh was devastated at having to dump his other women? I would

If I loved my spouse and was invested in my marriage, yes. I would want to know. And I’d be devastated. But that’s not the case here. He checked out a decade ago.

Posters are applying typical marriage dynamics to a deeply dysfunctional unhappy situation. I don’t think he would be devastated at all. Two and a half years is a very long time to successfully hide an affair. The chances are the op has not hidden it as well as she thought which is why I believe her when she says he is checked out.

'If I loved my spouse and was invested in my marriage, yes. I would want to know. And I’d be devastated. But that’s not the case here. He checked out a decade ago'

As I've said, they both checked out. He has a right to know. Imagine if it's terminal and he spends any remaining time with a cheat who will benefit from life insurance etc. The op has behavedly badly for ages, now is the time to do the right thing. He might say ah whatever let's stay together but it must he his choice.

@Vertigo2851 it's so funny that you take her seriously because she's been dishonest for 2,5 years, but never mind that, the fact that her DH had checked out should have made it even easier to be honest, surely?

They've both checked out. However, now from a financial point of view he really is entitled to know so he can get his finances sorted

The marriage is over. It was over ten years ago when he checked out. There is no reason for the op to confess anything and no good will come from doing so. Not for either of them.

There is every reason to confess, he has a right to know so he can make sure his finances are in order. Honestly, lies and deceit when he was fit and well bad enough but lies and deceit when he is ill even worse.

Do the right thing op if you are still reading.

There is every reason to confess, he has a right to know so he can make sure his finances are in order. Honestly, lies and deceit when he was fit and well bad enough but lies and deceit when he is ill even worse

Why? They aren’t in a relationship and haven’t been for years.

Honesty works both ways. He should have confessed years ago that he didn’t want to be married anymore, and was probably only tolerating her for financial reasons. Instead he happily ignored the marriage problems for years. This is not a man who wants honest conversations.

He is going to get a good deal with the op looking after him, and it’s more than he deserves.

No shit. Every story is different so what? Cheating is never justifiable.
What a pathetic society we have become when brandishing the MH card allows you to get away with murder. I am certain that many people who have indeed struggled with MH read this thread and roll their eyes in disbelief.

I really don't think this is the time to tell a man who has just found out he has cancer!

I never said cheating was justifiable, nor do I think that poor MH leads to cheating. However, the kind poster who contacted the OP privately has said there's a background which makes her feel compassion.

The wrong is done. The genie is out of the bottle. Recriminations will achieve nothing.

@ThatMerryReader I would imagine anyone struggling with their MH would indeed be rolling their eyes at phrases such as " the mental health card"

Yes, this!!

I've had cancer, I bet sadly many of us have. Would I want my dh to have cheated? Nope. Would I want to know.100%.

A cancer diagnosis is scary, it's when you separate the wheat from the chaff, you surround yourself with reliable trustworthy people. Not cheats.

@Gloriia I hope you are doing okay now

Thankyou for that, very kind.

@wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting
Thank you for your comment. I spend my working day working with people with mental health issues/disorders. I have heard and seen the most heartbreaking situations, I have talked people through suicide attempts and sometimes failed, I will forever remember every single one of them. I read between the lines of the OP post and her comments, read some of the vile comments from others on here and had to reach out to her. She is genuine, I dug in, trying to suss any discrepancies in what she was telling me but there were none. What she has been through and what she has faced is typical of the disorder she suffers with, it's not a disorder that you can throw meds at either. But hey ho, what do I know, half the people commenting on here know better than me...apparently.
I couldn't not reach out to her, I'm pleased I did. I just hope I'm able to help her through an extremely difficult time.

Would I want my dh to have cheated? Nope. Would I want to know.100%.

Right. But that’s your personal feelings about your marriage and your dh. If the ops dh was asking that question ( which he wouldn’t because he’s absent ) it would sound like “Despite being checked out with no physical or emotional intimacy for ten years do I want to know if my wife cheated”.

Some people aren’t in the position to surround themselves with supportive people because they’ve treated people like shit. The op is willing to do it out of guilt which is more than I would do,

Thank you for your thoughtfulness. At least some good has come of this thread x

You’re not doing “DH” any favours by staying with him and living a lie.

I agree wholeheartedly that mental health issues are very challenging and even life threatening. It is always very sad when someone has mental health issues that are impacting their quality of life. No-one would deny that. However, having mental health issues doesn’t excuse lying and cheating. It doesn’t excuse adultery. There’s no excuse for that. OP’s time would have been better spent seeking therapy and medical intervention if her mental health was so bad, not putting her energy into covering up an affair. I personally believe that cheating is a form of abuse. It often involves gaslighting, always lying and potentially putting the spouse at physical harm due to STI’s and STD’s. And let’s not forget the mental anguish and potentially long lasting psychological damage that can occur on the betrayed spouse. They may never recover, never trust again, develop beliefs that they are unworthy and have damaged self esteem. They may have to remain alone for the rest of their lives due to not feeling secure in another relationship. When we see women open up here about their abusive relationships, we always rightly say that mental health issues does not excuse abuse or cheating. This is no different. I hope this will give the OP a rude awakening and help her change for the better for herself and everyone else involved.

I don't think we know enough about the situation to make a judgement call.

Well, that's what we know @wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting

That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it but I disagree. There is no excuse for adultery or abuse in any relationship in my opinion. Have a nice evening.