No judgement please

[Furball0504]

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship.
For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man.
We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away.
I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to.
I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life.
I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle.
Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

No judgment from me OP. Life is complicated . Personally I think you are making the right decision as it’s the easiest to live with yourself decision. I wish you strength. It’s a little sad that you know your affair partner will move on quickly so perhaps after all it’s no great loss. Good luck to you and your DH.

I have no option. I cannot walk out on my marriage now. I just know walking away from the other man is going to break my heart. I get no affection at home, not even hugs and this other man made me feel worth something.
The other man has very low self esteem and does jump into relationships pretty quickly to make himself feel wanted, validated. It's a pretty big mess which I've getting myself into

Does your DH having cancer change things that much? Is it a treatable cancer? I don't know if you being miserable is going to help the situation. Would the OM be a comfort to you or not want to know? It sounds like a not very deep physical relationship that has been able to co-exist beside your strong friendship and affection for your DH, just filling another need. Think about it.

This is exactly what I was thinking

I don't condone affairs but taking on board everything you've said, OP, why give OM up now?

I don't judge you either and I say that as the now ex wife of a man who had an affair. I didn't leave then but it caused me irreparable damage.

It isn't clear whether your husband will survive this or not. TBH if he isn't then why give up the other man? I know I'll be absolutely slated for that but it doesn't seem your husband has met your needs, you'll be caring for and worrying about him and you can't do this alone.

What @custardpyjamas and @Calmhappyandhealthy said. Is it treatable? If your affair is fulfilling some kind of unmet need in you, is it not something worth continuing with while you support your DH through treatment?

And I'm also not sure about your logic about the OM moving on rapidly and you having to hear about it? Is he in a relationship? If not, and you're a secret, and only in his life on a very PT basis, surely if he 'moves on', it's not necessarily in a way that's going to be communicated to you your friend who is his relative? (I mean, that friend is unaware of your presence in his life, right?)

We don't know if it's treatable as yet. We only got the news last week and have to wait for scans before we know where we are. I do love my DH and care very deeply for him...but there's no intimacy between us, very rarely we even hug.
The OM is very affectionate, and gives me lots of attention. He makes me feel wanted and loved.
Walking away from him is going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. He's not perfect, far from it, he has low self esteem and has a tendency to jump from one relationship to the next. He was in a 20 year relationship, has two kids to her and had an affair himself. He left his long term partner but didn't go public with the other woman. The OW ended it because of this. A few weeks later he joined dating sites, went on a couple of dates then started chatting to me on social media. I fell for him, I didn't plan to but I did. At first I didn't know he was only out of relationship with the OW (about 2 month I think) and when I did find that out it was too late, I'd fallen hook line and sinker. He is the type that needs to be with someone to feel worth something

I personally wouldn’t walk away from à close friend ( your DH) in their time of need. I think if you really feel that way about him then it would be hard to live with, he’s also your children’s father. They will be hit by his diagnosis and navigating you walking away might be difficult to explain to them and make things harder for them too. Maybe as others have said you can discreetly continue your relationship with OM? Is it possible your DH already suspects you have someone else but prefers to ignore it?

It was me who wanted to keep it quiet, I have however met his children who are both adults. I wanted to try to protect my own family from finding out about us. OM has told me he would shout about us from the rooftops if he could.
I'm just so confused and got it into my head that if I stop seeing him my DH will recover from this cancer! It sounds absolutely ridiculous doesn't it.

Can you imagine the responses if the genders were reversed.

I would be giving the same answers.

I see exactly where you're coming from. I just think woman get more emotionally attached than men do. Well I know that's the case with me.

Yep, this thread really plumbs the hypocrisy depths. A man would be torn to shreds.

Why has it taken a cancer diagnosis to suddenly start caring about your DH’s wellbeing? You come across as more upset about losing the OM than his cancer diagnosis. What will ending it with OM achieve now? Bizarre.

I'm just so confused and got it into my head that if I stop seeing him my DH will recover from this cancer! It sounds absolutely ridiculous doesn't it

Yes! Utterly crazy

But we all make pacts with God don't we?

You feel guilty for OM and the affair

You feel if you give him up and therefore give up all pleasure, God will reward you by sparing your DH

Obviously that won't be why your DH recovers, when / if he does.....but you know that !

Feel sorry for you husband op i really do.
But you dont / didnt love him enough to go sleep with someone else.
I have no pitty for cheaters and yes i will judge you as it bloody hurts people ive been there and its awful to find out that not only your not good enough for the one you love not even good enough to have the truth.
Id rather have been told they dont want to be with me and break it off but to be cheated on hurts more being second best when i should have been first.

Oh, OP, this kind of bargain with fate doesn't have any validity. (Have you read Graham Green's The End of the Affair?) I don't think you should make any sudden decisions, now.

Are you implying that you were working towards leaving your DH for your affair partner, but that your DH's diagnosis has made you change your mind?

I would wait until the outcome of the scans before making any decisions.

Callously, there’s no point ending it now if your DH is going to die. But you’d know you were cheating while he was terminally ill which will probably never leave you.

If the prognosis is good, what does the cancer change in either relationship?

As long as you prioritise your husband, it doesn’t make any difference what you do re the affair.

Morally, I think bad relationships should be ended before an affair starts. I also don’t think it’s right to walk out while he’s dealing with a cancer diagnosis. So objectively, just do whatever you need to do to support him through this. Mooning about with a broken heart will help no-one.

I am upset, I am scared shitless! I'd gladly change places with him. I feel like the worst person on earth because he's facing this and I have OM. I will never walk away from him now. I'll be there with him every step of the way. But who'll be there for me? I'm a very private person, OM is the only person I've ever been able to fully open up to. I can't help how I feel for him, I wish I could, I wish I'd never got involved, I wish I didn't feel for him the way I do

Bullshit your a cheat your more worried about losing the other man.
Your poor husband cancer and a cheating wife that he still thinks loves him.
Shame on you op.
I`ll say it how i read it because i wont sugar coat things.
You say you wont walk away from him now but you already did when you laid down for another man.

I have to be completely honest that your description of the om does not make him sound that trustworthy or reliable. Basically he moves on from woman to woman. If you want to leave your dh then I would think hard before you do so with him. If you stay with dh then do so because you love him not through guilt. It might be that time away from om and having to care for you dh may give you some space to see what you really want long term.

Agree, shocking isn’t it

While I'm genuinely of the belief that 'life' happens sometimes, that people do things they shouldn't and that it doesn't mean they're horrific people, the hypocrisy on this thread is unreal.

@Furball0504 the OM has been filling a huge need of yours, to be heard and listened to. That’s why you have been able to open up to him. And that’s why it feels so devastating to think about missing that.

I know you love your dh. And clearly carry a lot of guilt about the OM.
But the reality is that he wasn’t able to make you feel seen. That’s a pretty big thing tbh.

How do you move on?
Like you say by telling him it’s over and blocking him. Esp on SM so you don’t have to see him and his new woman all over FB.

Who will be there for you?
Id start with a therapist, a counsellor who you feel comfortable enough to open up to. It will allow you to be heard but also to work through what has happened and how you feel about it all. Incl that crazy idea that it’s somehow your fault if your dh has cancer (that very much reminds me of my Catholic upbringing and how God punishes you for your wrong doings tbh).

Then you need to find ways to fulfil that need to be seen, to be heard, to matter. Some of it, your dh will still fill, even being ill. But you’d probably be better building a network around you. Find friends that are truly friends, not fair weather ones. Look at family members you were close to before.
You need to learn what void the OM was filling. It wasn’t just sex or sexual intimacy. And then work on that.

But please, do find a support network for yourself to cope with your dh diagnosis too.

I agree too.

But on the other side, adding another layer of shame and telling the OP off isn’t going to help her either.
Id say that if it was a man coming on here and saying something similar about feeling guilty etc….

What is done is done. The most important thing now (and the only thing you can do as no one can go back in time) is how you to deal with it.