No judgement please

[Furball0504]

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship.
For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man.
We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away.
I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to.
I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life.
I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle.
Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

That’s unnecessary and unkind. An affair isn’t a crime. For all we know her DH is aware of it and doesn’t mind. Life is complicated. However now is not the time to waver in supporting him through a cancer diagnosis.

This would make such a good plot for a book

Totally agree @Rainingalldayonmyhead

A major pity party!

Sorry I don’t agree with the minimisation of this just being a “mistake”.

A mistake is when you forget to do the dishes, or pick up your dry cleaning, or drop a glass. A mistake is not a premeditated devious disrespectful 2.5 year prolonged infidelity against your husband.

Lets call a spade a spade and not minimise the extent of the deception.

So do your children treat you badly as well?

I don't have a lot of sympathy for people having affairs but in your situation I really feel for you because it sounds as though you have absolutely no one in your life who cares about you apart from this man who will move on quickly anyway.

I suppose first of all you have to find out about your husband's cancer. Let's hope it's something that is curable.

Apart from that I think you need to find fulfilment in other areas of your life. If I were you I would set out to make new friends and if you don't work now I would look at finding work where you can mix with other women.

Did you ever intend leaving your husband for this man?

Op wasn’t on dating sites.
You need to learn to read before you comment.

I'm assuming you've probably stopped reading now people have stopped pandering to you. Loneliness sucks, feeling like you're not appreciated sucks but do you know what sucks even more than that? Your wife having an affair for 2.5 YEARS!!!! How do you sleep at night? Don't stay with him because he's ill. I'd rather no one sat at my bedside table than someone sat there messaging their side piece whilst I'm not looking. I don't know how you end a marriage with someone whilst they're going through a cancer diagnosis but then again I don't know how you could be so deceiving for so long either. Poor bloke, I hope he gets well soon.

OP, I don't know what exactly you are trying to achieve here but you can't simply say no judgement and then proceed to tell us what an utter despicable human being you are.
You have had an affair for 2.5 years! This is not a one-off moment of weakness. For 2.5 years, you have cloaked yourself in deception and lies, betraying your husband on a regular basis. God knows how many times you have stood before him looked into his trusting eyes, and fed him a lie, spitting at the very bond you were meant to protect.
You should have done the right thing and end it as soon as you began to see the other man. You did something wrong, knowing exactly what it was, however you carried on without no remorse.
And yet you have the gall to come here and tell us not to judge you.
Do the right thing and ask the admins to delete this thread.

Cry me a river.
I would not go as far as the "worst person on earth", given the amount of murderers and rapists that roam the planet. But if we put aside blood crimes, yes, lovely, you have stooped to rock-bottom levels.

How does he think she still loves him when there's no intimacy or affection?

@Furball0504 I'd normally condemn cheating, but I think you need to wait and see what the prognosis is for your DH.

I can totally understand why you have gone elsewhere.

I don't agree!! You are a human being with needs and wants that your husband hasn't been meeting. OK, it would have been better if you had separated from him before getting together with someone else, and the OM doesn't sound like someone to rely on if you think he will quickly replace you.

You sound like you are at a very low ebb, with hardly another soul in your 'camp' and I refuse to condemn you like so many other posters have done. I feel for you x

Listen, don't let the holier-than-thou brigade upset you! Life isn't black and white. In an ideal world, no, you wouldn't be having an affair, but life isn't ideal. You've felt neglected for 10 years - did you ever think of leaving? That would have been the 'cleanest' thing to do. Your marriage wasn't fulfilling you, so you probably should have left it.

I get that you still love your DH, and that is probably why you have stayed. Plus, you have children, and it's just 'easier' to stay together than go through the upheaval of splitting up. And as you gave up your career, I can understand that you may not be well placed to support yourself and your children solo.

What do you want, at the end of the day? I know you aren't going to abandon your husband now when he needs you most. Do you actually want to be with the OM, because he sounds pretty flakey if you think he would immediately replace you?

What would it look like if you supported your husband through whatever treatment he needs, and then when hopefully he is in remission, to put your own needs first?

In the nicest possibly way op this is no longer about you, your feelings for the other man - quite frankly the rights or wrongs of what has happened can be considered at a later date. You have bigger problems to contend with. Only you can know why you choose this path, no one else has lived your life so ignore the judgement on here.

Your dh and your children need you to step up now. You are just entering a very challenging time, things are going to be tough enough as it is. Stop thinking about your feelings of loss and love for OM and start redirecting your energy back into your own family, before it’s too late.
If it blows up at this point, you are going to have a potentially irreversible and irreparable situation on your hands.

Your dh is under the most enormous pressure now, it’s a very harrowing process. Please don’t add to his pain, there will be a time and a place for honesty if he recovers.

In the meantime get some counselling op. Get some proper support in place on a weekly basis, so you can off load in private and can talk through your deeper feelings, loss and fears in safety. I can’t stress to you enough how essential this is - and take one day at a time. You need to look after yourself too in all of this 💐

@Furball0504 Why you would have an affair with a serial womaniser you must be desperate.
I hope you're husband is OK and you do the honest thing.

Agree with the need for proper therapy here. It’s an emotional tornado.

I completely agree with you, I was responding to someone agreeing with someone else saying why end her affair now, she's disgusting x

No need for the passive aggressive dramatics OP.

What really strikes me is the extent to which you don’t take responsibility for your own choices. Not the affair particularly, but having no friends, having a marriage that is empty. There has been 10 years of buildup to this.

Friendships and support systems have to be nourished, and at some level you picked “private person” and deprioritized having that support. And then you’ve picked someone you know is weak/low self-esteem/unreliable. (because that’s how you’ve ended up seeing yourself).
The man, your lover, by your own description is an emotional user, a vampire.

You will have to fix this problem from the ground up.
It would be too easy to say lose the man, but I would focus on lose the attitude! You are so passive, you really must make some decisions here and stick to them. Make and own your choices. If your marriage is crap, address that.

The other man has very low self esteem and does jump into relationships pretty quickly to make himself feel wanted, validated. It's a pretty big mess which I've getting myself into

Oh the irony! You are just as pathetic as a cheating man. I hope your children already know/find out very soon and you get every bit that is coming to you 👍

As he should be. As the OP should be.

@Furball0504, if you don't want judgement, don't do something heinous against the person you married and then post about it on a public forum.

Aw op poor poor you get a grip of yourself your poor husband has CANCER and all your doing is thinking aw I need to leave my affair partner get a grip for fuck sake

You're seriously pathetic as is your OM.

So apparently not thinking fucking another man behind your husbands back for 2 years, risking blowing your children’s world apart for a cheap thrill and having a one woman me me me pity party over losing your side piece because your husband has cancer is a ‘mistake’ and understandable makes some of us the ‘holier than thou brigade’

Id call it having decent standards of behaviour and calling a lying cheating spade a spade personally.

I would guarantee there’s very few of us who couldn’t have had an affair if we were that way inclined but making the right choices and not agreeing that lying and cheating is absolutely fine in certain circumstances if you twist yourself into a pretzel to justify it does not make us ‘pearl clutchers’

Life isn’t black and white I agree but choosing to fuck someone outside of your marriage fir years while running around lying to your partner and children is not a mistake, it’s an ongoing conscious choice

In your OP you said "I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot."

And then go on to say in your updates you don't have any close friends and spent all day on your own feeling lonely.

So which is it?

Also, most people who are lonely during the day take up a hobby, learn a new skill, get the gardening or DIY done, go to a class, search up local meetup groups, do volunteer work.

If they are that lonely then they get a divorce and find someone else. You were more than happy to have your life and lifestyle funded for you.

They don't have their husband fund their affair after many years of sitting around not contributing to society by their own free choice.