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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No judgement please

426 replies

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 13:09

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship.
For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man.
We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away.
I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to.
I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life.
I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle.
Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

OP posts:
Yogaatsunrise · 29/01/2025 19:28

Olive567 · 29/01/2025 19:06

You should come clean, i think your DH deserves honesty from you, his wife. Then he can make an informed decision about how he can spend what may be his final months in this world. You owe him this, otherwise you are forcing him to live a lie. If I was him, I'd want to know. You need to be a bigger and more brave person than you have been from here on. Reading your OP, I'm not sure you've got it in you however.

I think this is a terrible idea. The poor chap is already reeling from a potential terminal illness. Then to hear his wife is in love with someone else will surely be too much. I really wouldn’t advise this at all. The early days of a cancer diagnosis are so stressful - the best thing op can do is end her affair and look after her dh.

pinkdelight · 29/01/2025 19:34

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 14:43

I am very much alone. I gave up my career for my children (which I have no regrets about and know I was privileged to have that option but it came at a price and loneliness was/is that price). I have no family, I'm an only child and both parents are no longer here. I don't have any close friends. My whole life was dedicated to my family. They take me for granted, I'm just here to clean and cook. So yeah when OM can along and showed me what it could be like I fell for it. Before him, I'd be at home on my own every single day. DH does ring me, but mostly just to moan about his day. I can't remember the last time he asked about my day, not that there's anything to tell. I've just been existing and the OM showed me what is was to live.

Show quote history

Well this is why it's not a privilege to sublimate yourself to mothering your kids at the expense of your own career and satisfaction. I'm sorry about your situation, but I honestly can't see why - given that you're 2.5 years into this affair - the news about your DH means you need to break it off.

egginthebun · 29/01/2025 19:36

Wow! Some of the comments on here. Ok OP hasn’t covered herself in glory here and has at times come across as selfish but reading between the lines she sounds very troubled. Some of the comments go beyond harsh. Let’s just hope she’s not struggling with mental health issues, although reading this thread it does seem as if she is.

TipsyJoker · 29/01/2025 19:36

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 15:47

Yeah you're right, I am a horrible selfish person, scum of the earth who deserves everything she gets. I won't be the first person to be in this situation (which is of my own doing) and I wont be the last. Just hope if youre ever faced with crippling loneliness you don't make a mega fuck up like I have and grab at the first bit of attention you get after 10+ years of feeling like absolutely nothing

Show quote history

Yes you are. You couldn’t left any time. But you chose to stay and you chose to go looking for another man on dating apps. Your logic of I wasn’t the first and won’t be the last is bullshit and just an excuse for shitty behaviour. There’s people who murder others in the past and will be again in the future. Does that excuse their behaviour? Of course not! What you’ve done is morally reprehensible and you’re poor me attitude just shows you up for the kind of person you really are. You’re not sorry you did it. You’re just sorry because you feel you have to stop.

TipsyJoker · 29/01/2025 19:38

“I was so lonely”

Get a job
Get a hobby
Volunteer
Take a class
Join groups

Don’t fuck another guy who isn’t your husband. It’s quite simple.

sunnypeachesk · 29/01/2025 19:41

Can you imagine if your husband and/or children found out about you having an affair while trying to beat cancer? Jesus. Awful. Poor bloke.

YourWildAmberSloth · 29/01/2025 19:42

It doesn't sound like either man is for you. You don't speak very highly of your affair partner, his short comings seem far worst that your husbands'. If you weren't prepared to settle as far as your husband is concerned, why are you prepared to settle for the OM? Honestly, I would support husband through the cancer, wherever it leads, then spend some time on your own.

excelledyourself · 29/01/2025 19:43

TipsyJoker · 29/01/2025 19:28

You met OM on a dating site. So you were trawling for another man when you were still married. And then you give it, “I didn’t mean to fall in love with him” bullshit! If you were unfulfilled in your marriage, you should’ve ended it. But you wanted your cake and to eat it. Don’t make out you’re the victim here because you’re not. You CHOSE to go on dating apps and look elsewhere instead of working on your marriage or ending it. You CHOSE to meet the OM and start an affair with him. You CHOSE to keep it going for years! You’re no victim, your husband is! You broke your marriage vows and you had ample opportunity to not do that but you didn’t. You just kept going. And now that your husband has a potentially terminal illness, or at least will have to go through horrendous cancer treatment and the trauma of a cancer diagnosis, all you care about is that it’s gotten in the way of your love affair with a known cheater, (before you) who has the inability to be alone and just attaches to any woman that will have him by the sounds of it. Utterly deplorable behaviour and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. Leave your husband and let him concentrate on his recovery. If I was him, I wouldn’t want your pity, I’d tell you to ram it. Unbelievable!

Edited

No she didn't and no she wasn't

SoupDragon · 29/01/2025 19:49

Just hope if youre ever faced with crippling loneliness you don't make a mega fuck up like I have

Havong an affair for 2.5 years isn't a "mega fuck up" it is a prolonged conscious choice.

TipsyJoker · 29/01/2025 19:49

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 17:26

I wasn't on dating sites! I've known OM for years but just as an acquaintance! I certainly didn't put myself out there. He caught me when I was very low and very vulnerable..but I won't go into that. The OM contacted me

Show quote history

“A few weeks later he joined dating sites, went on a couple of dates then started chatting to me on social media.”

Ok, so you weren’t on dating sites but you were chatting to him online. Not much of a difference really. You still entertained it and you’re still a cheat. The minutia of it is kind of irrelevant tbh. As soon as another man winked at you and said a few words in your ear, you were in his bed. Simple as that.

DaringLion · 29/01/2025 20:03

egginthebun · 29/01/2025 19:36

Wow! Some of the comments on here. Ok OP hasn’t covered herself in glory here and has at times come across as selfish but reading between the lines she sounds very troubled. Some of the comments go beyond harsh. Let’s just hope she’s not struggling with mental health issues, although reading this thread it does seem as if she is.

Why are mental health issues used as an excuse for everything

egginthebun · 29/01/2025 20:05

I know this is a public forum and criticism is to be expected but I do suspect the OP is struggling with mental health issues. Some of the comments are absolutely vile, she sounds confused, scared and consumed with guilt and yes a little bit selfish but come on, is there really any need to tear her down in this way? Sounds like her marriage hasn’t been the greatest, she’s been lonely and starved of affection. We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect. Let’s just hope none of these comments tip her over the edge.

egginthebun · 29/01/2025 20:10

DaringLion · 29/01/2025 20:03

Why are mental health issues used as an excuse for everything

Show quote history

I’m in this line of work, I pick up on it and my opinion is that the OP is struggling with hers. Quite sad really that as a society we preach how it’s ok to not be ok yet can tear into someone who is obviously having a difficult time. Hopefully I’m wrong and no damage has been done.

Olive567 · 29/01/2025 20:11

@yogaatsunrise I don't agree. I think honesty and integrity are the best path. Lying is so corrosive. The DH most likely has an inkling or suspicion that an affair is taking place anyway. And the OP is carrying the burden of guilt. By OP coming clean, it actually gives both of them a precious opportunity to actually be honest with one another - and possibly to deepen their connection, or at least to live a life without pretence. We infantilise people when we think they can't handle the truth. What we're actually doing is protecting ourselves because we're not big enough to tell the truth. Of course there will be anger, shock and hurt. DH may not want to have anything further to do with OP. But for all you know, it may be a release and an opportunity for DH and OP to be really open, honest and vulnerable with one another. I think DH is owed this and its absolutely awful not to give him that opportunity given his diagnosis.

Yogaatsunrise · 29/01/2025 20:15

Olive567 · 29/01/2025 20:11

@yogaatsunrise I don't agree. I think honesty and integrity are the best path. Lying is so corrosive. The DH most likely has an inkling or suspicion that an affair is taking place anyway. And the OP is carrying the burden of guilt. By OP coming clean, it actually gives both of them a precious opportunity to actually be honest with one another - and possibly to deepen their connection, or at least to live a life without pretence. We infantilise people when we think they can't handle the truth. What we're actually doing is protecting ourselves because we're not big enough to tell the truth. Of course there will be anger, shock and hurt. DH may not want to have anything further to do with OP. But for all you know, it may be a release and an opportunity for DH and OP to be really open, honest and vulnerable with one another. I think DH is owed this and its absolutely awful not to give him that opportunity given his diagnosis.

Have you ever had a cancer diagnosis? The shock is profound.

In reality he is already dealing with so much, this is not the right time to blow his life and marriage apart. It’s incredibly selfish. He will need his wife more than ever - trust me.

Olive567 · 29/01/2025 20:28

@yogaatsunrise I haven't had a cancer diagnosis but I am currently going through a difficult split from long term partner of 25 years. After avoiding it for so long, the new found honesty between us is a relief.

alwaysontheloo · 29/01/2025 20:36

No judgement?

Jesus your poor husband 🙁and all you can think about is yourself.

You could have left before you hopped on someone else's dick but no...2.5 years as well 😱if this was a man on here he'd be quite rightly slaughtered.

And shame on all the massive hypocrites telling you to keep shagging him while 'caring' for your DH. Imagine lying there having treatment for cancer while half of MN tells your cheating H to keep fucking his bit on the side..

veraswaistcoat · 29/01/2025 20:41

I don't know what is more pathetic here - all the excuses that OP has given for having an affair or her belief that the OM is such a great guy.

Yogaatsunrise · 29/01/2025 20:42

Olive567 · 29/01/2025 20:28

@yogaatsunrise I haven't had a cancer diagnosis but I am currently going through a difficult split from long term partner of 25 years. After avoiding it for so long, the new found honesty between us is a relief.

Yes but it’s not the same as facing death. It just isn’t.

You are talking from your own perspective understandably, but not that of a newly diagnosed cancer patient.

Trust me no one believes in honesty more than me, but right now his needs run far deeper than the off loading of his wife’s conscience. This could really break him.

DaringLion · 29/01/2025 21:01

alwaysontheloo · 29/01/2025 20:36

No judgement?

Jesus your poor husband 🙁and all you can think about is yourself.

You could have left before you hopped on someone else's dick but no...2.5 years as well 😱if this was a man on here he'd be quite rightly slaughtered.

And shame on all the massive hypocrites telling you to keep shagging him while 'caring' for your DH. Imagine lying there having treatment for cancer while half of MN tells your cheating H to keep fucking his bit on the side..

No it’s ok because someone upthread has diagnosed her with mental health problems and starved of affection

PassingStranger · 29/01/2025 21:20

Furball0504 · 29/01/2025 13:39

We don't know if it's treatable as yet. We only got the news last week and have to wait for scans before we know where we are. I do love my DH and care very deeply for him...but there's no intimacy between us, very rarely we even hug.
The OM is very affectionate, and gives me lots of attention. He makes me feel wanted and loved.
Walking away from him is going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. He's not perfect, far from it, he has low self esteem and has a tendency to jump from one relationship to the next. He was in a 20 year relationship, has two kids to her and had an affair himself. He left his long term partner but didn't go public with the other woman. The OW ended it because of this. A few weeks later he joined dating sites, went on a couple of dates then started chatting to me on social media. I fell for him, I didn't plan to but I did. At first I didn't know he was only out of relationship with the OW (about 2 month I think) and when I did find that out it was too late, I'd fallen hook line and sinker. He is the type that needs to be with someone to feel worth something

Why didn't you leave your husband when you started your affair.
It's very dangerous having an affair. What happens if your found out.
Things could turn nasty and bring extra stress on you.
It dosent sound like you need this worry.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 29/01/2025 21:20

I'd bin your husband and run off with the other man.

I mean, just because he's ill you now feel guilty?

And you're clearly someone who needs someone to feel validated too. Just like your om.

All the deceit. And lying. And now you're going to do "the right thing" and bin the om and stay with your h because he's ill.

It's a bit of joke really, isn't it? Your new found integrity.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 29/01/2025 21:22

And your caveat title on this thread of no judgement please.

You can't decide who judges and who doesn't, I'm afraid.

PassingStranger · 29/01/2025 21:23

Yogaatsunrise · 29/01/2025 19:28

I think this is a terrible idea. The poor chap is already reeling from a potential terminal illness. Then to hear his wife is in love with someone else will surely be too much. I really wouldn’t advise this at all. The early days of a cancer diagnosis are so stressful - the best thing op can do is end her affair and look after her dh.

Show quote history

Yes this.
How much hurt do you wanna pile on him.
End it and stay quiet.

Louko · 29/01/2025 22:32

Yogaatsunrise · 29/01/2025 20:42

Yes but it’s not the same as facing death. It just isn’t.

You are talking from your own perspective understandably, but not that of a newly diagnosed cancer patient.

Trust me no one believes in honesty more than me, but right now his needs run far deeper than the off loading of his wife’s conscience. This could really break him.

Show quote history

Agreed. I’ve had cancer ( twice actually) once when my kids were little. I honestly couldn’t have coped with finding out something like this at the time . The poor man. Op says he’s her friend so at least treat him like that . Stay , be quiet about things and leave when the dust has settled if needs be. But for heaven’s sake at the moment unless he’s a monster he needs protecting and support and the kids do too. Which is what the OP realizes and wants to do I think.Op can you find some sort of support group for family members and maybe a hobby? Sport ( even fast walking) is a great way of coping with stress or depression.