No judgement please

[Furball0504]

I’ve been married for a lot of years, we have two children, aged 22 and 16. For approximately 10 year my marriage has been more of a very close friendship.
For the last 2.5 year I have been having an affair. This wasn’t planned and something I’d have ever seen myself doing. I do love my husband but just on in the way I love this other man.
We have very recently found out my husband has cancer which has literally blown us all away.
I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I’m a very private person so there’s no one on my side that knows about this so I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to.
I’m friends with a close family member of the other man and see them a lot. I know the other man will move on very quickly (he has a track record for this) and know I’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life.
I know I’ll have to go no contact with him which will be hard, we message constantly so it will be a struggle.
Please no judgement, guess I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me or if anyone has been in a similar situation who can relate.

Yeah well my response will be more in line with that.

OP shame on you. I do judge you. I don’t care what your title says. What you have done is abhorrent. If you weren’t happy you had the choice to leave. How devastating to your husband because you are just ‘beat friends’.

I have no empathy for your situation except for your poor husband who is not only having to battle cancer but is being lied to by the person he though lived him most in the world.

This poster is right. Of this was a man we would be all over him - it isn’t different because you are a woman.

Too bad it’s going to be hard for you or break your heart. Your husband is a good guy - as you haven’t said otherwise plans said he’s your best friend.

Your disrespect for you marriage, his feelings, the damage to the family and lack of regard for anyone but yourself deserves judgement. Same thing I would say to a man.

Op, do you actually want to support your husband through this? Because it doesn’t sound like he cares for you very much.

Stop the pity party. It’s insulting.

Crippling loneliness - so what exactly did you do to resolve this? Get a job? Go out with friends? Go to councilling? Take up a hobby? Plan date nights with your hubby? Etc etc etc etc.

I”m not buying what you are selling. You don’t get to be this wrong and then play the victim.

If he wasn't a good enough husband for you then have the courage of your convictions and just leave him now.

@dairydebris , if a man was deciding to leave his dwife just at the start of her cancer treatment, I’d judge him quite harshly.
You have no idea whether his family can step up and look after him.
You have no idea how devastated he’d be.
But it sure would be quite a lot to deal with both a harsh cancer treatment and a divorce. Things like finding somewhere to live for example. Being well enough to see his dd etc etc….

And I’m not even talking about the impact it would have on their dd.

Seriously, that would a shitty thing to do imo.

And yes, the OP would need to buckle up.
In her OP she seemed ready to do (but fearing how she’d managed). For all concerned, her looking after him out of guilt agd putting her needs second would be the best outcome just now.

I think I've entered some alternative universe where a lying cheater is receiving sympathy because she has to end her affair??

Seriously the ladies who are saying maybe you need counselling, maybe don't end the affair yet bla bla bla, how would you feel if someone was telling your husband that because he didn't want to end his affair??

To the ladies who rightfully think you need no sympathy and feel heartily sorry for your husband, well done, it's nice to know decent human beings still exist, whatever their gender!

Hell the fuck no. No sympathy here.

But I get what you are saying/. If this was a man we would be crucifying him right now.

As soon as they write ‘no judgement’ you just know they’ve behaved fucking appallingly but think they should bd given a free ride purely for being female.

Bonus points for dressing a grubby little affair as some sort of Mills & Boon true life star crossed soulmates bought together by destiny rather than a pair of middle aged cheats shagging in the local Premier Inn

Nope.
The last thing I'd want dealing with a cancer diagnosis and treatment is someone who's been lying and cheating for the last 2 years. And who wants to make themselves feel better about that by nursing me, just to save their own guilt.
Hard no from me.

The op appears to want sympathy for having cheated. Absolutely disgusting.

think its possible to know someone was wrong and weak and still feel sympathy for them though as she says she was made to feel like nothing for ten years ... ?

Absolutely. I’d imagine there’s many women on here who have been through the pain of unhappy marriages but did the right thing and walked away rather than lying, cheating and fucking another man and calling it ‘a mistake’

And you don't think she should have ended her marriage if that was the case?

@CoralOP i suspect I’m one of the posters who you think ‘is giving the OP sympathy’.

Im not being sympathetic to her plight.
But I’m also thinking that her separating from her dh now would be awful FOR HIM
And I’d judge away someone who would step away at that time in his life.

Next step is for her to find a way to deal with the next few months so that she hurts her dh the least.
If that means her getting counselling etc… yes why not?
Because he should be put first just now. And the OP should just do whatever it takes just now.
Incl looking after herself.

Otherwise as another poster pointed out, she would just become more and more resentful of the whole situation. And it’s her dh who will pick up the pieces.

In a year or so, when/if the treatment is finished/eased off etc… then yes talking about the affair, separating etc… should be on the cards.

yes definitely shoud have. but cant right now with the diagnosis. End the affair OP. no more affairs while married for your own sanity if not anything else.

Your husband has cancer and you start a thread about how it’s going to “kill you” to give up your affair?
I cannot begin to imagine getting such a scary diagnosis and my husbands main concern was having to give up his bit on the side. He would be gone. In a flash, cancer or not. Not just for the affair, I do believe in 2nd chances (although you have been at this and lying to him for years) but because it’s just so bloody horribly selfish?
Your entire thought process is all about you op. Which is the norm for people who have affairs.

I presume you're looking to inherit the lot, rather than a 50% divorce settlement, then, OP? 🙄

It’s not your husband’s fault he gave you the life you wanted and you weren’t happy with it.

The blame for having an affair lies solely with you, not your family. If you weren’t fulfilled, you could have got a job or taken up a hobby.

They wouldn’t dare post on here! As others have rightly said, they would be ripped apart.

Hadn’t even thought of that 😂

From what you’ve written of the OM he’s going to dump you anyway once you’re all consumed with cancer, medical appointments, etc and don’t have the mental capacity or energy to constantly make him feel “wanted and validated”.

Just read the OP - where’s the concern for the Dh who must be terrified or for two young adults who must be devastated and fearing losing their dad?

No it’s just a one woman pity party about me me he me me me me me

Maybe spend time comforting your DC rather than chasing dick

You have been very nice and helpful in your post but this woman surely doesn't deserve it.
I'll quote her comments:

"I know I have to end it with the other man. It is going to kill me, it is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do."

"I am on my own with it and have literally no one to talk to. "

"’ll have to hear about the new woman in his life.'

'I’m just looking for kind words to comfort me'

Me me me...

I love that you are thinking about the best thing to do for her husband but she is here, in her words, looking for kind words of comfort, no mention of how to deal with her poor husband.

She's done a horrible thing which doesn't warrant words of comfort to her.

OP I am someone who has plenty of regrets in my life for not always being strong and sure of my path - but I have found the wisdom and the tough love of the women on here to be a beacon of light.

Your behaviours are being held to the light for you to see , and its hard I know but it doesnt mean you cant stop doing the wrong thing immediately, and do the right thing. Now.

Im judging you OP don't think Ive seen such a selfish, self centred post here for a long time. It really is ALL about you OP with your attitude no wonder your husband goes no where near you your probably not a nice person for him to be around & certainly not a safe loving partner for him. But your "type" will never see this as it's all about you

If my dh was cheating on me and I was then diagnosed with cancer I'd want him to tell me. Do not stay out of pity or to benefit from his life insurance if it is terminal, he deserves better.

Sorry to say the om doesn't sound much of a catch I bet he'll cheat sooner or later if you stay with him. Good luck.