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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me think through this argument with new partner.

292 replies

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 27/01/2025 22:01

He didn't show you red fags before. He has now.

That's it.

AcquadiP · 27/01/2025 22:02

I'm sorry I'm with all those who have advised you to dump this guy.

"When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. The first time."

RogueFemale · 27/01/2025 22:03

@mistymountainz He doesn't have a key and I already have ring doorbell and indoor cameras as I use them as monitors for the children.

I would change the locks regardless. You can't know for sure he hasn't secretly had a key cut.

twohotwaterbottles · 27/01/2025 22:06

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 18:17

I would be reporting this to the none emergency police so that it’s on record.

Please do a Claire’s Law check too.

This. Log it on 101 online and do the Clare's law check. Not to carry on the relationship but to see what you're dealing with. Make sure he hasn't got a key and very clearly communicate with him so there is no ambiguity that because of his threats, it is over. I would include that in your police report too so it's logged. Utter psycho

IPreveil · 27/01/2025 22:08

Well done. This right here is the red flag you would have ignored previously. You’re doing great. You aren’t letting his previous ‘good behaviour’ sway your decision.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 27/01/2025 22:15

This is your first red flag. Be grateful you spotted it quick. Well done.

Shitgift · 27/01/2025 22:19

I think you owe yourself massive congratulations actually. You were wise and waited for a long time to introduce him to your kids and have him further involved in your life. It means that thankfully it should be easier to remove him from your life without it causing you any major problems. You're obviously a great advocate for your kids and self, so don't feel silly in any way!

DoloresODonovan · 27/01/2025 22:20

Well done OP, a collective sign of relief on here, we really felt you were prevaricating for a while.

TheLargestToblerone · 27/01/2025 22:23

It's natural to need reassurance when something like this happens out of the blue. You asked him to leave that night, you stood firm and you are keeping yourself and your children safe. Your instincts are sound and you could not have done anything more. You are not at fault and you are not a fool for not spotting this. Men like this can mask it sometimes for years, and you acted decisively at the first glimpse of it.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/01/2025 22:25

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 21:40

Just to clarify, the argument before was silly. I never said his reaction was silly. It wasn't, it was extreme.

I did ask him to leave and he hasn't been back since. I think I just needed reassurance that my thinking is right. Years of gaslighting from my ex I do still sometimes question my own thinking. I just needed that little bit of reassurance that I'm right.

There's absolutely no way this man will be around my children ever again. I knew this I just needed that confirmation I've done right.

I'm going to find this really hard and I was completely blindsided and fooled by him. But I'm done now, I have a lovely home with my lovely children and that's enough, I'm done with men!

He lives about an hour away, so he's no reason to be round here. So hopefully I won't have to deal with the fall out. He doesn't have a key and I already have ring doorbell and indoor cameras as I use them as monitors for the children.

You still need to report this to the police .
Why wouldn’t you. ??

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/01/2025 22:27

twohotwaterbottles · 27/01/2025 22:06

This. Log it on 101 online and do the Clare's law check. Not to carry on the relationship but to see what you're dealing with. Make sure he hasn't got a key and very clearly communicate with him so there is no ambiguity that because of his threats, it is over. I would include that in your police report too so it's logged. Utter psycho

Yes I’d log with the police and ask the police to tell him the relationship is well and truely over and he’s never to go new for contact op again.

If she did that then she doesn’t risk being talked round by him.

AcquadiP · 27/01/2025 22:28

Agree 100% with IPrevail.

LeilaLandi · 27/01/2025 22:32

He's a dangerous man.
Terrifying reaction.
Your home is yours and your kids safe place. Ugh that he's infiltrated it.
Tell police what he did.
Clare's law request.
Tell friends and family.
And all the other protection measures in other posts.
Don't underestimate this guy.

HopelessHouseMaid · 27/01/2025 22:36

That’s really scary behaviour. I would run a mile! Give him his clothes and end the relationship.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 27/01/2025 22:38

What an absolute bastard he is, reeling you in by pretending to be the sort of man you wanted. None of this is your fault of course. You have had a lucky escape.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/01/2025 22:46

That's shocking.

sweetgingercat · 27/01/2025 22:47

Run don’t walk away from this terrifying man…

abricotine · 27/01/2025 22:48

Another one to say well done OP, you have acted fast and saved you and your children some awful scenes in the future. Good luck to you

Sunshineandoranges · 27/01/2025 22:54

I would phone 101 and ask about Claire’s law. This behaviour is abnormal . I definitely would end the relationship..hard though that will be. You

BB78910 · 27/01/2025 22:55

Claire's Law!!!

ShineBrighterxx · 27/01/2025 22:56

Definitely end it ! He threatened to start a fire in your house. Oh my god ! That’s not normal behaviour - at all !

WilfredsPies · 27/01/2025 23:00

That really is bloody terrifying.

I’d definitely still do a Claire’s Law request. Just so you know what you’re dealing with. And thank God he showed himself now, rather than before he had a key and had convinced you to let him move in.

Mum5net · 27/01/2025 23:03

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 27/01/2025 18:11

These types of guys usually mask who they are for up to 2 years.

They are perfect and charming until they get their feet under the table (usually when moving in, or there's a pregnancy). It's starts as 'mild' things like this which they can pass off as a joke, this is the start of them eroding your boundries. The next 'joke'will be a bit worse, then the one after that will be worse still. Between times he will remain charming and helpful and lovely.

You should walk away, he will try and make you think you're over reacting, you're absolutely not

Agree wholeheartedly with this

Cornishclio · 27/01/2025 23:04

This is not a normal reaction so I would call a halt to this relationship now. It is pretty worrying that you were not terrified and if you have suffered with abuse in the past you may not realise what sort of behaviour that is. You cannot bring a man with tendencies to destructive or abusive/controlling behaviour into a house with your children. Undoubtedly he has been masking so far and thought he had his feet well enough under the table to show you the real him. Don't let him in again.

Rinkytoo · 27/01/2025 23:13

What a psycho! You’ve done the right thing.
If you forgive him now, you will regret it later.