Help me think through this argument with new partner.

[mistymountainz]

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

he was very calm, not angry. He was just, normal.

If anything that makes it more worrying. That smacks of cold, calculating. I’d be asking for a Clare’s Law report.
And never let him near you or your kids again.

What makes you think you missed the red flags OP?

It's entirely possible that this was the first one, and you spotted it and dealt with it well. (Although it'd be hard to miss, that was one honking great red flag!)

The trick is now not to ignore it. It doesn't sound like you're going to, but to echo other posters. You're not overreacting, time to ditch the nutcase. He's shown you the real him now after keeping a lid on it for nearly a year.

True colours showing now, it probably won't end there to be honest.

glad to read your update OP. What a creep, glad you’re keeping him away from yourself and your children

I'm scared just reading it. No normal person even THINKS to do things like that. Well rid x

Ask for Claire’s law from police, but you need to keep him away from you & your children.

His mask slipped. If you let him back, next time he'll go through with it, and he'll tell you it's all your fault. Definitely report him and do a Claire's law check. He's a maniac

Jesus Christ.

Protect your children from this psycho before he kills one of you.

It takes 2.5 to 3 years before you really see a person's true nature. Once you get past the honeymoon stage etc. This is quite early for him to reveal that he is totally unhinged so I would run for the hills if I were you. Be glad he's shown this side of himself already before you ended up married or living together. Get shot of him and hopefully he leaves you, your family and your house well alone when you do! He sounds dangerous.

Sorry to hear this, OP.

An ex of mine appeared very quiet and mild mannered.

Within a few months he had challenged a man to a fight (over nothing), decided I was so scary he would have to sleep in my car overnight and I hadn't responded the right way so he repeatedly hit his head off a wall.

Honestly, nearly a year on I still feel numb and weird and as though I was hallucinating! It was too surreal to be frightened at the time.

Time to say goodbye to this one.

I would be purchasing a fire extinguisher and learning how to use it and more smoke alarms.

This is terrifying and really chilling that he was so calm while threatening to burn the house you and your children were in. Jeez, when his mask finally slipped, it really did slip! Well done for recognising it, OP. Lots of good advice already given in the thread by PP. Stay strong and stay safe! 💪💐Xx

@mistymountainz you have made exactly the right decision. Be proud of yourself for maintaining your standards and not subjecting you or your children to harm.

Tell him it's over. Block his number.
Don't change your mind.

That’s psychotic and I’m glad you will never let him around you again.

I would seek therapy to understand what the red flags you have missed could be, as it seems extraordinary that he would have escalated from completely lovely to this so quickly.

I suspect there will have been signs but you don’t yet recognise them as red flags.

If a man that you weren't romantically/sexually involved with threatened to set fire to items in your house, what would you do?

I bet you would decide you would have nothing more to do with him, then and there. You'd certainly never let him back inside your house again. It's also likely that you'd call the police. Why does the fact that you've been dating him make a difference?

This man presents a genuine danger to you and your children. End the relationship, inform the police of the serious threat he's made against you and, as other posters have suggested, request a Claire's law check. Even if nothing comes back from that (people do change their names to disguise a history of domestic violence), never have anything to do with him again.

All these months down the line, he's shown you who he really is. Believe him.

This kind of man is attracted to vulnerable women they think they can control. The presence of children makes you more vulnerable.

They often play a long game, getting closer and closer, further and further in til they are rooted. Then the mask drops and the true face shows.

Often when something happens and they are no longer the centre of your attention ( pregnancy and new babies can be a trigger.) Or they hear the word No. And there they are, in their true colours.

This was the act of a psychopath. Believe them when they show you what they are.

Report it to the police. Change the locks. Put a lock on the letterbox if you have to. Drop and block. Stay strong and be very very careful and vigilant. Rally family and friends.

All the best.

Keep that man away from your children!

Holy shit OP he’s done a very good job of keeping that hidden hasn’t he.

And nail your letterbox shut!!!

You do know where you go from here - you end it. This has crossed a line and you can't have someone like this in your home - how could you ever feel quite safe? Thank goodness he does not have a key.

@mistymountainz that's actually a very disturbing threat he made. You have children in your home and he threatened to set a fire?! It doesn't matter what he threatened to burn. He actually said it and then he flicked a lighter and sprayed an aerosol can to show you he could. That's a level beyond f'd up, really.

Please make a report to the police.

Tell everything you've said here. Get it on record and hopefully they'll go round to his to confirm he is now known and is not to go near you or yours. Frankly, I'd seek a restraining order. YOU HAVE KIDS.

Then, get counselling to deal with your past abusive relationships so you can heal, build self respect and learn to set boundaries. 🩷

This

The mask always slips.

Protect your children and run as fast as you can

Jesus Christ what an utterly demented thing to do. Nobody does this unless they have thought about it or done it before.

Report this to the police, change your locks in case he has copied your key and block him completely. Keep a close eye on your children too make sure they know to run away immediately if he approaches them.

I'd log it with the police because he sounds deranged!

Using fire as a threat is a very specific violent male behaviour linked to domestic violence.

"Using fire and burning, and threats to burn, as part of family violence is more common than many people realise. These tools and tactics are used to coercively control a partner or ex-partner. Recent legal cases highlight the issue. As one of several acts of family violence against his partner, Brett doused her in diesel and set her hair alight. Similarly, one of Michael’s acts of violence against his partner was to splash her with turpentine and threaten to “watch her burn”.

Other acts of family violence include burning the survivor’s clothing or her furniture.Yet the threat of fire and burning isn’t routinely considered by police and family violence safety services in their risk assessments and safety planning for women who have experienced family violence.

How do perpetrators use fire and burning?
After separation, abusive partners sometimes use fire to punish their partners for leaving them. The time soon after separation is particularly risky for survivors.

Rowan Baxter set alight and killed Hannah Clarke and their children soon after they separated. Similarly, recently separated Doreen Langham and her ex-partner Gary Hely died in a house fire. The coroner found Hely intentionally lit the fire._

Burns can easily be explained away as an accident, especially to those who are not aware of the connections between family violence and the use of fire and burning. This is particularly a concern where the injured woman is unable to tell her story.

Using, or threatening to use, fire is so dangerous because once ignited it spreads easily. It can cause extreme damage, pain, and trauma and, if the woman survives, the impact of injuries can be lifelong."

https://theconversation.com/family-violence-can-include-fire-threats-and-burning-we-can-do-more-to-protect-women-195197

Yes, this is a good idea.

OP, if you don't already have some security cameras, now would be a good time.

Edited to add I see you have a ring doorbell, some more outside cameras would be a good idea at this point.

Yes, I realise people will think I am over reacting. People always think that until women and children are killed and then they act surprised and wonder what we could have done to prevent it