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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me think through this argument with new partner.

292 replies

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 27/01/2025 21:21

why do people think they know absolutely know the person after a year, citing how they changed?! They didn’t, that wasn’t the real him/her. The real person comes out 12-24 months after. The first bit is always best behaviour.

Get rid op, this is the real him & this is just the start. The loving, caring act was to snare you.

skopu · 27/01/2025 21:21

My question would be how near to you does he live? Ie, an hour's drive so couldn't pop in and see you, or 5 minutes away? And don't you think you should call the 101 police report number? He is unhinged.

It's notable that he behaved himself all those months before he met your children. It sounds like he hates not being sole focus and could blame them for 'complicating things'.

But whatever, he's a psycho and there's nothing to work out. I Your title implied your dilemma involved a complex relationship, work or family issue. Luckily for you, there's zero to think about. But please please do everything you need to to keep you all safe. I'd be absolutely terrified.

Ivymom · 27/01/2025 21:22

In addition to what others have said, look into therapy for yourself. Having a history of being in an abusive relationship can make you more of a target to other abusers. Please do not misunderstand me and think I’m blaming you for being a victim of abuse. It is in no way your fault and you have not done anything to deserve that. Abusers are predators. They can see and exploit any vulnerability you may have. Also, it can be easy to overlook some red flags because they are different or not as blatant as what a previous abusive partner did. To over simplify it, your picker is broken. Therapy can help you fix this, strengthen yourself so you are not as much of a target and help you see some of the more subtle signs of a potential abuser.

While this guy hasn’t seemed abusive in the past, this incident definitely was. He is trying to manipulate, guilt and terrorize you. There is something truly scary about this guy and the best thing for you and your children is to end things with him before he can do something worse. He’s been playing the long game and is now showing you who he really is. Believe him and get him out of your life. Do not do therapy with him. Never do therapy with an abuser because it just gives them more insight into ways to abuse you.

Healthyalltheway · 27/01/2025 21:26

wanted to strongly agree with everything that has been posted so far. He is dangerous, and even more so as he didn't visibly get angry and it was over a minor thing. he will tell you it was a joke, he didn't mean it etc. ( please do not give him a chance to explain) - he slipped up and has shown his true colours. GET out now, do a Clare's law check, tell the police, tell friends, block him and ask police what to do. get some support for yourself as this is not normal and you need support. well done for posting, you knew it was not ok deep down. protect your kids and yourself, you only live once !!

MsTeatime · 27/01/2025 21:27

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

You dump him and log the threat with police in case you ever hear from him again. He threatened arson in a house that your kids are in.

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 27/01/2025 21:30

Do not let him back into your house.

IlooklikeNigella · 27/01/2025 21:30

That is so frightening. I hope you're ok.

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 21:30

You couldn’t even ask him to close a door. A very basic request.

Imagine how violent he will be if you ask him anything serious.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/01/2025 21:31

This is terrifying. He's not right in the head. I'm SO sorry op as it must have felt great to have felt you'd got a decent relationship but there is something very wrong with this man.

vandel · 27/01/2025 21:31

Seems both of you are batshit given your blase and calm response to a potentially murderous situation TBH.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/01/2025 21:32

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 27/01/2025 18:11

These types of guys usually mask who they are for up to 2 years.

They are perfect and charming until they get their feet under the table (usually when moving in, or there's a pregnancy). It's starts as 'mild' things like this which they can pass off as a joke, this is the start of them eroding your boundries. The next 'joke'will be a bit worse, then the one after that will be worse still. Between times he will remain charming and helpful and lovely.

You should walk away, he will try and make you think you're over reacting, you're absolutely not

Yes this is spot on sadly

thepariscrimefiles · 27/01/2025 21:33

He's a psychopath. You need to end the relationship as he's a danger to you and your children. If he takes it badly, call the police.

Bibi12 · 27/01/2025 21:34

You say you didn't feel threatened and have "no time for silly stuff like that . OP where are your senses? If I was you I would be terrified for my children's safety and would not only end the relationship but also inform the police.

This is absolutely not a normal behavior. Him saying it calmly is even bigger red flag. This man is dangerous. Normal people don't even think about setting fires in other people's homes, let alone say it out loud.

MadeForThis · 27/01/2025 21:38

No normal person thinks like this.

He's dangerous.

Why take the risk?

Original poster
mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 21:40

Just to clarify, the argument before was silly. I never said his reaction was silly. It wasn't, it was extreme.

I did ask him to leave and he hasn't been back since. I think I just needed reassurance that my thinking is right. Years of gaslighting from my ex I do still sometimes question my own thinking. I just needed that little bit of reassurance that I'm right.

There's absolutely no way this man will be around my children ever again. I knew this I just needed that confirmation I've done right.

I'm going to find this really hard and I was completely blindsided and fooled by him. But I'm done now, I have a lovely home with my lovely children and that's enough, I'm done with men!

He lives about an hour away, so he's no reason to be round here. So hopefully I won't have to deal with the fall out. He doesn't have a key and I already have ring doorbell and indoor cameras as I use them as monitors for the children.

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 27/01/2025 21:40

He threatened you with arson. Report it to the police. They might not do much but it will show up on a Claires law check for the next poor girl.

ETA: Changed my wording. Sounded volatile and apologise, read it back and didn't want you to think I'm calling you names.

liathach · 27/01/2025 21:44

Please do as others are saying, notify the Police and keep him out of your life. Women who are taken in by a man who love bombs them and then turns nasty often don't live to tell what happened. You've had a warning, act on it. Change your locks and probably your phone numbers too. Stay safe

Nellyelephanty · 27/01/2025 21:45

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 21:40

Just to clarify, the argument before was silly. I never said his reaction was silly. It wasn't, it was extreme.

I did ask him to leave and he hasn't been back since. I think I just needed reassurance that my thinking is right. Years of gaslighting from my ex I do still sometimes question my own thinking. I just needed that little bit of reassurance that I'm right.

There's absolutely no way this man will be around my children ever again. I knew this I just needed that confirmation I've done right.

I'm going to find this really hard and I was completely blindsided and fooled by him. But I'm done now, I have a lovely home with my lovely children and that's enough, I'm done with men!

He lives about an hour away, so he's no reason to be round here. So hopefully I won't have to deal with the fall out. He doesn't have a key and I already have ring doorbell and indoor cameras as I use them as monitors for the children.

So pleased to hear your update x

M103 · 27/01/2025 21:48

This is very very scary. He sounds dangerous. I would report to police and stop all contact.

BigTubOfLard · 27/01/2025 21:49

I am proud of you. You doubted yourself so reached out for help. You've accepted Mumsnet's help so bloody well done you. You have all the affirmation that you need. Your judgement is top notch.

Fraaances · 27/01/2025 21:52

If this is normal to you then you’re not remotely ready for a new man in your life. You have a shit magnet and you need to work on yourself so you no longer attract shit like this. You need to learn to expect better and recognise weirdos and losers long before it gets to this.

DaftyLass · 27/01/2025 21:57

What a lucky escape!

tigerlily9 · 27/01/2025 21:58

Change your locks

Arlanymor · 27/01/2025 22:00

Really pleased to see your update - well done, stay strong, we’re here if you need us.

ItsProperlyColdOut · 27/01/2025 22:00

That's really concerning. Well done for walking away. I think I would also report to the non-emergency police, because that is really strange.