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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me think through this argument with new partner.

292 replies

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 27/01/2025 20:35

That is even more scary that he was calm about it. He’s showing his true colours. I would absolutely never see him again he is unhinged

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 27/01/2025 20:36

There is a reason why not a single poster is suggesting that you even discuss this with him. There is nothing to discuss. Nothing. Just because you weren't hurt doesn't mean that wasn't an act of violence.

Nantescalling · 27/01/2025 20:36

Please never let him through your door again. He is unhinged.

Over40Overdating · 27/01/2025 20:37

You are being way too calm and woolly over this @mistymountainz

The place you go from here is the police. You report what he’s done and you get a Clare’s Law search.

Anyone who can respond like that to a minor disagreement with a new partner, in that partner’s home, and so calmly, is an extremely dangerous man. There is zero chance this is an out of character, never before behaviour for him.

Police tonight.
New locks and security cam asap.

SL2924 · 27/01/2025 20:37

claires law check and dump

Cattery · 27/01/2025 20:38

He’s making a flame thrower in your house. Dickhead. Bin

MILLYmo0se · 27/01/2025 20:41

A year is early days for these type of people, you are so lucky that you've gotten this warning now before you are pregnant, married or living together and getting out becomes so much harder. He will be raging with himself that he miscalculated and let the mask slip too early, so will be v regretful and compliant. For the sake of your children if you can't do it for yourself do not engage with him anymore. Pack up his stuff, get it delivered or collected and block him, I would do Claire law on him too so maybe get a bit of extra reason or courage to walk away now for good.

mumedu · 27/01/2025 20:42

This is off the charts and very serious. Nobody normal does this. He is a danger to you and your children.

mumedu · 27/01/2025 20:43

SL2924 · 27/01/2025 20:37

claires law check and dump

Yes, this.

FOJN · 27/01/2025 20:50

Threatening to turn a can of deodorant into a flame thrower after a minor disagreement and you are not sure what to do next?

Please take this seriously, he's dangerous.

Dump, block, change the locks. Tell him you will call the police if he comes to your house again and mean it.

I think he has the potential to become a stalker, here's the helpline number.

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Make a record of what happened so you have contemporaneous notes. Keep notes about any attempts he makes to contact you just in case you need them later.

ForestFox44 · 27/01/2025 20:50

Goodbye to him...

KarlaKK · 27/01/2025 20:53

As others have said, report to the police, tell your kids and the school they must never be picked up by him, change your locks and, I'm sorry, my first thought was him setting a fire through your letterbox. I just wouldn't put anything to chance. Has he got a job? How much has he got to lose if he did something criminal? Have you met his family?

Bleachbum · 27/01/2025 20:57

I don’t want to sound melodramatic because I’m genuinely quite a laid back, level-headed person, but I would definitely report this to the police and never see or speak to him again.

He threatened you with arson, OP. You have children in the house!

ItSnowsIntheSouth · 27/01/2025 20:57

Mrsttcno1 · 27/01/2025 17:59

I’m sorry OP, where you go from here is you block this man’s number and never see him again.

This!

HonoraBridge · 27/01/2025 20:57

This man has been manipulating you. He could see you were vulnerable and he has taken advantage of your vulnerability. Now he has finally shown you who he really is. Get him out of your life immediately and forever. He is dangerous.

ScreamingBeans · 27/01/2025 20:57

Please report him so that it can be added to any file there might be on him. Then dump

rougebleuvert · 27/01/2025 20:58

The early days being good is typical of the start of an abusive relationship - some people call it the lovebombing stage. In fact, there are sociopaths interviewed on youtube who (altruistically it seems!) describe how they do it and why - to do with mirroring and various other techniques - they study you and do and say all the right things and then when it suits start to be unkind.

It might be useful for you if you could describe the argument you had in more detail, how it started and who said what, in case there is anything in that.

But his reaction? It sounds like it was the first test, to see what you put up with. And you asked him to go and he is possibly now pondering try again or seek a new victim.

You have done amazingly so far. My advice would just be really, really careful. Think through what might happen and what you will do in response.

Really sorry this has happened. I hope you put some distance there and the right person comes along..

MumWifeOther · 27/01/2025 21:02

mistymountainz · 27/01/2025 17:57

I'm a single mum with 2 children, I met a man a little over a year ago. Introduced him to my children around 2 months ago.
My ex husband, and children's dad was emotionally abusive, so I was cautious and reserved about meeting someone. He's been absolutely faultless since the day I met him. He's kind, considerate, he does lots of little things to support me. He was so patient at the start whenever I had wobbles, he's allowed me to pretty much dictate everything and do it at my own pace. Whenever we've argued he's listened and done whatever it takes to make me at ease, I genuinely believed he was the real deal.. too good to be true.

At the weekend we had a minor disagreement, I can't even remember what it was over now, something silly. But he reacted really weird, we had a tense evening. We ended up having another disagreement because I asked him to shut a door and he refused which was so petty, in the end I told him to go home. He got his stuff, went downstairs, expecting me to follow and ask him to stay, I didn't. He came back upstairs a few minutes later with a lighter and got a deodorant can out the drawer and said he was going to set fire to his clothes in the wardrobe. He didn't, he sparked the lighter, and sprayed the can but not at the same time. I told him he was out of order and had gone too far, he apologised.

But I cannot let it go. It's so far away from who I thought he was. I've racked my brains since thinking I must have missed the red flags, but I haven't. There really were none. I know with my ex when I looked back I could see all the things I'd ignored that showed who he was but there's genuinely nothing here.

But this is so extreme I my mind, I have children, I just don't have the time for silly stuff like this.

I don't know where I go from here.

He’s shown his true colours and this is the red flag you now need to pay attention to.

pimplebum · 27/01/2025 21:02

That’s not “ silly”
its weird you are not terrified
defo do a Clare’s law
get therapy because you have massively under reacted
never let this nutter anywhere near you or the kids

diddl · 27/01/2025 21:02

What do you need to think through?

What can't you let go?

It's terrifying that he did this!

It's also terrifying (imo) that you call this "silly stuff" & that you don't know where to go from here!

JLou08 · 27/01/2025 21:05

When it seems too good to be true it usually is. He is showing you who he really is now. There's something very sinister about what he did, he sounds like he could be seriously dangerous.

Differentstarts · 27/01/2025 21:12

The crazier the person the better the actor. The worst people are usually very charming and kind on the surface

iamallofme · 27/01/2025 21:12

Unless you want your body to be found burnt to a crisp one day leave him now.

BornSandyDevotional · 27/01/2025 21:14

He's bat shit. Never, ever, ever seen him again.

Largestlegocollectionever · 27/01/2025 21:15

That’s actually really scary, even more so your update as to
how calm he was!!

Delete, block, move house!