How to let go favouritism of grandchildren and protect my children from it it

[january1244]

My sister and I both live five minutes away from my mum, both have two children. My mum has been full time childcare for my sister since her eldest was 6 months old. She obviously really loves them, and they're really lovely kids. They are now young primary age and she has them mornings and afternoon school, and for sleepovers, and every school holiday.

My problem is there is no room for my children at all, and she doesn't want to make room, or consider that there is any disparity in treatment.

Mine are in full time nursery Monday to Thursday inclusive. I've put my mum down as a contact so she can collect them early if she ever wants to spend time with them. She says yes that's great, but then has only used it about twice in 2.5 years. I've spoken to her about it a few times. My three year old now notices and cries about it, as he knows his cousins are there after school. He cries when he hears how my mum has taken his cousins for days out, trips away to his other cousins holiday house, even McDonald's - because she talks about it in front of him. Or his cousins naturally mention all the things they've done with my mum (the cousins are really close). I've previously written a letter to my mum about the favouritism. She is saying there is no favouritism and she is completely fair. The result of the letter is that she now comes around on Fridays (my day off) and takes him to the class that I booked to do with him on that morning. One hour a week term time only (because the other grandchildren are available again in the holidays).

Its now all come to a head because I asked my mum if she'd like to temporarily look after mine one day a week while I am working from home and paid the same rate as a nanny while I sorted something as my eldest is suddenly really struggling in nursery (crying, not eating, not wanting to go four days a week). She was horrified and said she absolutely couldn't do it because she had Pilates that day. I know it's really because she has the others morning and evening.

I have actually managed to scrabble around and sort a temporary nanny for that day in a months time, but I'm just really crushed and upset. I told my mum this and she said I was being ridiculous. At the moment I've said I just want a break from her, and I want to do my Friday class with my own child. Which she views as me preventing her from seeing her grandchildren. I'm not, as we have a family trip next month, my daughter's birthday, and she can collect them early from nursery anytime that suits her. I don't know how to deal with it going forwards, and feel so sad and resentful. How do I let this go and get past it? Do I let it go? Will it be more damaging for my children if I let this continue?

Don't underestimate how quickly people can lose energy as they age.
My parents had our eldest much more than our youngest, they care the same amount but they just don't have the same level of energy even though its only a 5 year gap.
Also she was taking on your sisters with no prior commitments, watching a 3 year old when you have free time otherwise is very different to watching a 3 year old when you already watch other children regularly.
Especially all day with a tearful preschooler compared to a 6 year old for an hour before and after school.

I would be hurt at the lack of support but I wouldn't say anything as she doesn't owe you anything.

I would tell her to stop mentioning her outings with other kids in front of yours as it's hurtful to them. If she doesn't I would probably step back a little.

Don't bad mouth her or talk about tge favouritism in front of your kids.

I agree with this.

There is nothing you can do, OP, to make your mother want to spend more time with your 3-y-o. You've tried all manner of things, anda she is not bending into to - she is stuck in a pattern with your sister's DCs that works for them.

So you can only act to protect your children.

If your 3-y-o starts crying when she mentions the fantastic time she had with his cousins - point out to her, there and then, that your child is upset and crying and will she please stop talking about these things. If she can't even grasp that, I'd cut down completely on the amount of time and energy you give to her.

In adult relationships where one person is doing all the work, we (MN hive mind) regularly advise the OP to meet the energy of the other person. Your child can't do that, so you have to do it for them. When your mum finally notices that you aren't making the effort you used to (and it sounds like you have been very thoughtful in the ways you have tried to integrate her into your family's life) she will either change or not.

But.... the going on about the lovely time she had with cousins Jack and Jill while your child is visibly upset? For this alone I would be keeping my child at a distance from her.

I think this is true, as is the boat analogy, and as is what @OwlInTheOak says.

My mum is probably worn down with caring for the first two grandchildren. She lost her husband and her brother and her Dad in a few short years, and my Dad looked after my mum a lot so it's very hard for her to be alone. I don't think my mum feels she can say no to my sister. I don't think she's being deliberately cruel, she's just very enmeshed in her life, and stretched thin. My other sister and I have been to university and lived in different places, my youngest sister has not. She does need more help with things and is maybe less resilient. I don't think my mum is horrible, she's a good grandparent when she can. Everyone likes her. I think on reflection she loves being needed by my sister. She is very willing to let me down, and by extension my children, in case my sister needs her. She needs me to do things for her.

It's a very unhealthy dynamic, and I'm coming to realise that. I would never go no contact by my choice, but I probably just need to step back and leave things for now. It probably won't make any difference either, but at least my children aren't there watching it. I will go on the holiday, I will go and stay with my other sister when she's back with the others. I will have them to my daughter's birthday. But I will stop engaging with my mum outside of this and just leave it be.

Thanks for all the advice.

@AttilaTheMeerkat there isn't much difference in ages - each child is 18 months to two years apart. The eldest is six.

I'm afraid I think you are making a mistake in thinking that it's nice thing to do to look after grandchildren. I'm completely bored by children who aren't my own. (They were perfect obviously!) The poor woman must have said yes to the first person who asked and is now finding it very hard to disentangle herself from that arrangement. She is perfectly entitled not to take on responsibility for more children.
Not all grandparents fit in to your idea of how useful they should be. Grow up and be happy being independent. Your son probably picks up the way you feel, so see less of her and don't let any of it bother you. Definitely don't pick up the slack for your sister when your mother can't. Your sister should also stop using her and let her live her own life.
The moral is, make your own plans, don't expect help, and you won't be disappointed.

I agree it is best to expect nothing and make your own plan and life - you have rather glossed over the psychological damage that is being done here, the deliberate decision to favour one set of grandchildren over the others. This is so much detangling but weaponising time, love and attention and openly harming some of her grandchildren. It’s not benign.

@Yogaatsunrise the psychological damage if there is any is being done by the OP having unrealistic expectations. She plainly can't change what her mother is prepared to do, so she has to expect less. If her son is really getting in a tizz about this, change the subject, leave the room, talk about something that she is going to do with her own children.
Life does not have to be lived in the pockets of your family!

Emotionally distancing from people you care about is hard. I suspect your mum knows she is being unfair but can’t stop the cycle and your younger sister is the spoilt golden child.

Your son loves his cousins so balancing that is hard , it’s nice to have family friendships .
I would try not to spoil that .

Try and cultivate other positive relationships, your other sister for example.

Somet we need to accept that others don’t value family the same like the golden child , she sounds very entitled

Do you think maybe you’re seen as more competent by your mother?

You mentioned that your sister found previous challenges ‘overwhelming’ and I wonder if your mum has overburdened herself with helping your sister over the years and has no space now for anything else.

You don’t have to accept feeling any certain kind of way- but time is precious, we are all aging and at the mercy of fate. I would try to put it behind you and for your children’s sake, just allow whatever relationship you feel comfortable with to exist just how it is- expecting no more or less from them than what they give. They will never change and your resentment will grow if you try.

You don’t have to accept feeling any certain kind of way- but time is precious, we are all aging and at the mercy of fate. I would try to put it behind you and for your children’s sake, just allow whatever relationship you feel comfortable with to exist just how it is- expecting no more or less from them than what they give. They will never change and your resentment will grow if you try.

@Unicorny244 I think what you've said above nails how I feel. Life is short, my Dad died too young and very quickly. I wouldn't forgive myself if I lost time with my mum and something happened.

My expectations are lowered. I'll protect my son from it. I'll still see my family, but be less invested. The relationship he has with his cousins isn't something I'll jeopardise

You are excusing their bad behaviour still because you’ve received the Special Training to put them first with you dead last. Please get therapy, I mean that most sincerely.

whar relationship does he really have with his cousins?. What does your son have in common with them?. He’s already seeing and knowing that he comes second to them when he sees his nan.There is an age difference and chances are too they will go to different schools. They’ll hardly see each other as they get older.

You protect yourself from your family of origins dysfunction by staying away. Anything else drags you back in. If you cannot protect yourself here you have no chance of protecting your son from this either.

Your mother has always favoured your sister and following on from that her children. She actively wanted to see them
because they are the chosen ones. Her decision re them was nothing whatsoever to with your dad dying early. She does not want to look after your child and could not give a fig about you as her now adult child blundering about in your fear obligation and guilt.

I would actually look at moving closer to your PILs - I think this would actually improve your relationship with your mum and shift it from the current toxic dynamic. I’m not saying rush into it but at the very least start to investigate whether it’s a possibility, jobs/housing, etc.

I would also have an honest conversation with your abroad sister, she may have some insights to offer with regard to golden child sister and even her relationship with your mother.

I’m gobsmacked that you both said it was fine for golden sister to receive a house deposit/car but am cognisant that you were essentially being presented with a done deal and little point in objecting. I do also encourage therapy as a lot of your posts read like you are still defaulting to childhood training of golden sister is #1, can’t possibly upset golden sis or mum, must placate them, must put their needs above your own and your family even if it is not in your best interest. This is not normal or symbolic of a healthy relationship. If your mum is unwell then she needs to tell your sister to find alternative care. If she is not willing to do that then it is on her. It is not your problem to solve - leave them to it!

How is having a relationship with a cousin more important than your son’s own well being? How on earth are you going to actually protect him from the very obvious favouritism on display all of the time? How? You need to ask yourself if you are doing this for you, or doing this for him?

Your other sister has certainly got the measure of this situation hasn’t she, living overseas is protective from the every day misery of being second best constantly, and seeing her children suffer.

This way she can fly in, be the star of the show for a few days or a week and disappear out of it for the rest of the time. Absolutely the best move. Her children won’t be harmed psychologically by your mother, nor will they be remotely affected by the toxic legacy.

Op you sound codependent and entrenched to an unhealthy degree, and if you take nothing else away please get some therapy.

I wonder what the cousins will talk about. Will they revel in their golden children status and gloat about where they have been taken. I’ve seen it first hand, children take up the position and carry on this form of abuse. They will likely feel superior to yours I’m afraid and talk in ways which makes the rest feel inferior.

I wonder how it’s going to feel when op’s son has to watch his cousins uni fees being paid for, new cars and house deposits whilst he has to work three jobs to stay afloat, do we imagine for a minute that this won’t happen, because I am certain it will. Will your son treasure the family relationship then or is he going to lose his shit and say you should have protected him, stood up for him?

He won’t always be three, one day he will tell you precisely what he thinks of your family if he isn’t so intrinsically damaged in the meantime. He will need therapy, and a lot of work on his self worth, confidence as it’s being eroded by your toxic family as we speak. He might be bullied or abused as he is already being subjected to that treatment now. Exclusion is bullying. He may very well develop unhealthy coping strategies and have poor mental health.

When he finally disappears as soon as he is old enough, because he is sick of being second place to your mother and sister op, there will be much to regret, and plenty of time to remember this conversation when you had the chance to change things for him, and didn’t.

When you have your own children, they need to be the number one priority - not your awful mother.

To be honest, I think that sounds like a very selfish decision. You are concerned how you might feel when she dies rather than about protecting your children. The only way to protect your children is to remove them from the situation as it seems like she doesn't care about the effects of heat behaviour on them. She is already teeming them about stuff she is doing with the others and the other dgc are telling yours about what she is doing with them. It will only get worse, particularly as you have already reaffirmed by your actions over many years that her favouritism towards your sister and her dc is acceptable.

OP, you are drowing in FOG and 100% putting your feelings and needs ahead of your children.
I can guarantee you will regret it.

Children that are bullied often have self esteem issues that make them a target.

Children reared in a family where their own Grandmother treats them as less that will feel the impact of it.

It makes them an easy target.

By your tolerating this from your mother and your preference to protect your feelings, you are making this an intergenerational trauma.

You feel less that, now your children are feeling less than = intergenerational trauma.

Remember that every time you see confusion on the face of your 3 year old.

Our number one job as parents is to protect our children.....far, far, far ahead of any obligations we have to our own family of birth.

Sadly for so many children their parents reject that basic premise.

I won't be tolerating anything that upsets my son, and will make sure I step in if I see anything that upsets him. We've friends with children who he knows and likes, and we'll focus more on days out and trips away with them.

The cousins love each other and call each other brothers. They are lovely and gorgeous with both my children. They won't be going to the same school, so won't see my mum pick them up day to day. His father and I are saving in junior ISAs, they'll have money for uni or a house from us.

I will get some counselling. I need some time (working mum who hasn't been back too long after mat/parental leave)

When you say you won't be tolerating it, what does that look like in your mind? You should also be aware that your son already sees the favourirm so may be so used to it that he is just internalising the upset rather that displaying it overtly. I would say rather that saying you won't tolerate him being upset, you should be looking at ensuring he is not exposed to potentially damaging behaviour. To do that, you will need to figure out what behaviours are potentially damaging and how you will ensure he is not exposed to them.

Good woman.

I mean this very very kindly,...... as our children grow up we only love them more and more.
We never know what life will throw at them as they age, friendships failing, girlfriends and boyfriends hurting them, not making a team, not getting a course etc., in amongst life's successes.

There is so so much that we can't protect them from.
All we can do is be there for them and hold them up.
Their hurt or disappointment weighs terribly on many parents, hence the old saying "you are only as happy as your least happy child"😁 IMO so true.

Whatever you want to believe about your mother and her motivation, she has the power to wound your precious babies with her clear favouritism.

It is very wrong. Protect them ferociously and do not allow her that power.

Give them a busy life full of many people and ascribe her zero status.
No big declarations of importance and status to her company, gifts and visits.

Take her power to wound them from her.
Better that she is unimportant to them than wounding them.
Rightly invest in family friends that live nearby.
Find nice parents, children and put your energies into them.
You and your children will never regret it.

Sadly you have already tolerated this re your son and this has been happening to you and in turn him right in front of your very eyes. You've basically been conditioned and or otherwise trained from a young age to accept this ill treatment from your mother and that is why you have not recognised it.

Thankfully at least all these children won't be going to the same school. I would lower all contact levels between your sister's children and your own child long before then. These children may well be nice to your son now but over time they will be influenced more by their own parents and their grandmother.

Yes. I thought the same about my children. I thought my mother "wasn't that bad", that they didn't notice the blatant favouritism (that she did make "slightly" less blatant when I spoke to her) of their cousins.

When DS was 18, he said that now he was an adult he felt he could say that he never wanted to see his grandmother again, that he'd disliked her from the age of about 8 (and cited some particular examples of why that was, that I'd observed but not realised how it had affected him), but had put up with visiting because we didn't see them that often and he knew it would be difficult for me if he rocked the boat. He also wanted nothing more to do with his cousins and was sick of being negatively compared to them.

I thought I had protected him. I thought my mother had been a better grandmother than she'd been a parent. I made excuses for her, rather than protecting my child. I was so used to being treated badly myself I didn't fully realise what "badly" looked like.

I don't know that this will happen to you. I really hope that it doesn't. But if I could go back in time and take DS away from my mother at age 8 (or even earlier) I would do it in a heartbeat.

Please look into therapy. Your son will thank you also for doing that.

Do read You're not the problem by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna.

Yours is so familiar a story from a few of my friends.
Huge regret at what they tolerated from their parents.

One of my friends had a lovely family photograph in the local paper.
It was her twin grandsons, son, husband, grandfather all photographed with the same family name, four generations at their twins being baptised in CoE.

It included a gorgeous puff piece where her son specifically mentioned his wonderful paternal grandmother and grandfather whom had been truly wonderful grandparents to him growing up.
Absolutely no mention whatsoever about her parents, his maternal grandparents.

She got a call from her mother very very upset that they had been slighted.

She said you never see him and he never even invited you to the twins baptism.
I don't think you should be surprised!

Her mother was only annoyed that it was so public and that they very obviously weren't included at the very happy family occasion.