How to let go favouritism of grandchildren and protect my children from it it

[january1244]

My sister and I both live five minutes away from my mum, both have two children. My mum has been full time childcare for my sister since her eldest was 6 months old. She obviously really loves them, and they're really lovely kids. They are now young primary age and she has them mornings and afternoon school, and for sleepovers, and every school holiday.

My problem is there is no room for my children at all, and she doesn't want to make room, or consider that there is any disparity in treatment.

Mine are in full time nursery Monday to Thursday inclusive. I've put my mum down as a contact so she can collect them early if she ever wants to spend time with them. She says yes that's great, but then has only used it about twice in 2.5 years. I've spoken to her about it a few times. My three year old now notices and cries about it, as he knows his cousins are there after school. He cries when he hears how my mum has taken his cousins for days out, trips away to his other cousins holiday house, even McDonald's - because she talks about it in front of him. Or his cousins naturally mention all the things they've done with my mum (the cousins are really close). I've previously written a letter to my mum about the favouritism. She is saying there is no favouritism and she is completely fair. The result of the letter is that she now comes around on Fridays (my day off) and takes him to the class that I booked to do with him on that morning. One hour a week term time only (because the other grandchildren are available again in the holidays).

Its now all come to a head because I asked my mum if she'd like to temporarily look after mine one day a week while I am working from home and paid the same rate as a nanny while I sorted something as my eldest is suddenly really struggling in nursery (crying, not eating, not wanting to go four days a week). She was horrified and said she absolutely couldn't do it because she had Pilates that day. I know it's really because she has the others morning and evening.

I have actually managed to scrabble around and sort a temporary nanny for that day in a months time, but I'm just really crushed and upset. I told my mum this and she said I was being ridiculous. At the moment I've said I just want a break from her, and I want to do my Friday class with my own child. Which she views as me preventing her from seeing her grandchildren. I'm not, as we have a family trip next month, my daughter's birthday, and she can collect them early from nursery anytime that suits her. I don't know how to deal with it going forwards, and feel so sad and resentful. How do I let this go and get past it? Do I let it go? Will it be more damaging for my children if I let this continue?

It's hard when your mother is the best mother & grandmother to your sibling & their children, but then there's nothing left over for you.

Your dm takes you and your dc for granted because she knows she can rely on you.

It's time to know your worth.
Your dc deserve to be loved equally and I wouldn't stand for my dc to get my dm's leftovers.

I can understand why this is upsetting you - it does sound like favouritism to me. What also struck me was that your child is upset and feeling left out because they all talk about what a lovely time they have doing things together. Your child is starting to notice and I think you need to take steps to protect them from this, it’s horrible to feel less than in a family group.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I agree with this.
I have had a similar family dynamic, going back to teenage really, and it's been really hurtful, and damaging emotionally to me.
I tried to shield my son from the favouritism from his gran, because that same dynamic was played out with my own child and my sister's child over the years.
My son is 32 now and the favouritism has disappeared, but up until university age it was very apparent.
It festers and will take a toll on your mental well being if allowed to continue.
Try to distance yourself a little, both emotionally and physically, from your mother, hard though that is.
And pour all your love into your nuclear family.

My MIL is like this, it’s so sad. I think I’ve come to peace with it though as there’s nothing I can do to change it. She’ll be the one missing out and I certainly won’t make any effort with her anymore.

I agree. Op you can't make anyone like or care more. Pull back. It's a bit i've martyred myself for you mum why don't you care? I'd be spending less time with her not trying to make it more. If when you see her she is telling you and your children where she has been with the other grandchildren and yours are upset, the solution is not to try and force her to even it up, It's to not expose them to that conversation. Drop the rope.

In the immediate timeline, I'd stop going to see her at all with the 3yp.

It's sad that she clearly favours your sister/her kids, but the nail in the coffin would be that she talks about that all in front of your little one.

He needs to not hear this shit.

@january1244 It does hurt. I know from experience. the golden child has the golden grandchildren. it will not change! sorry. better to cut them all out of your life now because you are currently lining yourself and your children up for many years of hurt!

I agree with the others. Stop exposing your children to your toxic mother. She is never going to be the mother/grandmother you and they deserve because she doesn't care enough to change.

My mother was the same. Eventually I just couldn't be bothered with trying any more. She could come to me, but I wasn't chasing her for crumbs anymore. It took 6 weeks for her to ring me after I stopped calling. But even then she cut the call off abruptly because my brother turned up and she wanted to talk to him more. She said she'd call me back. That was 8 years ago and I've not heard a peep. To be honest, I cried alot at first, but now I realise I am so much better off and should have done it a lot sooner.

If you’ve really obviously laid out the favouritism (giving examples etc) and the impact it has on both you and your child, there’s nothing you can do but give your mum the opportunity to step up. Stop facilitating time together, stop being the one to instigate contact and protect yourself from the hurt of feeling your child is consistently being rejected.

Agree with all this. Also I would pull back from this:
I've always planned surprise mini breaks, European trips, dinners and lunches and holidays. She's invited for any days out we do that aren't with friends.

This is very generous of you but unbalanced when you look at how little you're getting in return. Stop including your mum in all these days out and surprise trips. It allows her to take it all for granted. Take friends instead - a loving 'aunt' or 'uncle' even though not a blood relative can be a great alternative to a grandparent.

People often say they 'don't want to be petty' when challenged to pull back in situations like this. I'd encourage you instead to think of it as giving the best experience you can to your own kids, and not wasting your own time and energy in places where it isn't appreciated.

@january1244 I had your sister for a sister too!!! looking after grandchildren and great grandchildren too when they are far too old to be doing that but couldnt look after mine for even a couple of hours!! my mother even refused to look after my fully trained quiet house loving cocker spaniel when we went to florida just in my golden sis needed her to look after her horribly bitey barky westie!!!

My ILs were like this. Looked after SIL's children till they left school. Told me they wouldn't look after mine, I never even asked them to, but fair enough. Then BIL had his son and they were back to full time childcare.

At MIL's funeral the cousins did a talk about all the days out and games they'd played together. My kids sat there bemused as all they'd ever had was a weekend visit for an hour or so.

Weirdly my ex had been her favourite as a child! Maybe she was making it up to his siblings by ignoring his kids.

I have a much more mild version of this with my mil and I’ve stepped back. You should invite friends to days out not her, stop including her. Agree with stopping the Fridays, and repeat you’re always welcome to collect them from school any other day and they’d love it so much. And Repeat. ‘Me? Keeping them from you? I have offered for you to collect them so often, and they’d love to see more of you!’ This is for your children’s benefit, in your shoes if it were just for me I’d stop offering but for the dc I’d keep that open.

In your case though I’d also say to your sister I hope you’re prepared to be the active carer for mum next time she needs it, you get all the support now with grandchildren and you had better be there for her, daily like I’ve been in the past. You’ve just stepped back other times exceptto drop your kids off so I can look after them as mum isn’t up to it, but that won’t wash again- I won’t be there. I will be very clear to my dh that his sister had better pull her weight.

I'm the favourite in this scenario, and I can see my mother's preferential treatment of my children in comparison with my sisters' children. It's embarrassing, and I understand my siblings' resentment. My mother would deny it, or claim that I make it 'easier for her to be relaxed' in our home. She gets very defensive if anyone brings attention to her behaviour.

In truth I am probably easier company for my mum (doormat!). That still doesn't make it right, and I would never want to parent like that. I'm really sorry your mum has this blind spot too, but I think your children will pick up on it if you focus too much on it. All you can do is make the most of the time she is able to offer to your kids, and let them form their own relationship with their flawed, human grandmother.

MN is weird about this sort of stuff, so you will be told yabu. But you’re not. This is grossly unfair and hurtful.

Op i think you need to protect your kids. Reduce contact with all of the family.
Your mother isn't going to change so you need to change how you react to all of it.

Firstly Im sorry you feel hurt by this.I know its hard ,but you need to distance yourself mentally as well as physically.Maybe some counselling may help?So often the "golden" child can do no wrong sadly and, the other child gets ignored . Maybe she has got into a routine with DSIS DC.If they are primary school age and easy to manage ,she may feel uncomfortable looking after a pre schooler. I think this is a pattern of looking after elder GDC that often seems unfair to the younger ones .Also of course she is older now and 5 /7 years can make a difference when she was in her early 60s say, and now late 60 early 70s. I would say that the Friday morning is not needed ,you would appreciate a better day .I would not make an issue though esp with your DC there ,maybe focus on friends, or make arrangements with In laws for a holiday,Maybe not go NC but LC would be better

You really are being taken advantage of, you are doing so many lovely things for your mother and she does absolutely nothing to support you. It’s at best designed to totally serve your mother.

Meanwhile your poor children are feeling like second class citizens in their own family. It’s really harmful for them to feel less worthy, less loved and less important than other children in the family. You need to be doing far more to protect them op.

You are putting family relations over and above the well being of your own children at the moment, which isn’t great. They are your primary responsibility- not your unkind mother.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I really think you need counselling around this dynamic. It’s grossly unfair to your dc even if you are happy to tolerate it for an easy life.

Pull back
Stop people pleasing
Stop swallowing down your hurt and angry feelings
Stand up for your children.

Your mother is being horribly unfair, she could make time for all of them, and yet she chooses not to.

Stop trying so hard to win her over. She’s an adult woman who clearly favours your sister and her kids and buying her affection with trips etc is not going to change her mind. Your mum refuses to accept that she’s behaving unequally too. She’s not suddenly going to change her ways because you invited her on a trip.

Moving far away might help her with your children. If you live say 4 hours away then a once or twice monthly visit makes sense. It prevents your children seeing the favouritism paraded in their faces because they won’t see the signs like granny parked outside auntie’s house. By the time that they are on social media, hopefully they will care less as they will feel more emotionally detached.

Were there signs that she favoured sister over you when growing up? So often it’s the more detached child who ends up as the golden one and golden child obviously has the golden grandchildren. This links to the stop trying so hard with her point. She only wants to see your kids once/twice a month tops and you won’t change her mind.

How sad for your kiddos. It absolutely reads your mom is prioritising your sisters kids.

I would make your mom a non priority in your kids life. They shouldn't then feel the upset of her actions.

Stop spending money on trips and days out with her.

It’s not the same if it’s a MIL it is very easy to put some emotional distance in when it’s not your mother.
I am not sure why you compounded the situation of your dc being second best by getting them to do all the manual jobs to carry out to curry favour with such blatant favouritism! I’d love to know what your sons truly make of it, no doubt they have learnt to smile and say nothing. But there is deep harm in situations like this one that continues beyond childhood and into all relationships.

I think your priority should be your 3 year old rather than family peace. If your 3 year old is upset that their Grandmother is doing everything with the other grandkids and not them that really needs addressing properly and not brushed under the carpet. You say that child is struggling with nursery currently - that could be their sadness about their Gran being played out. The feeling of being left out and therefore not belonging. The crying and not wanting to go might be because of the feelings that they are missing out on something with family. If you let it continue like this it could do a lot of harm to your child’s mental health in the long run. You need to tell your mum it is having a serious effect on your child and get her to do something about it. If she won’t change the favouritism I would scale back all contact with her.

I think your priority should be your 3 year old rather than family peace. If your 3 year old is upset that their Grandmother is doing everything with the other grandkids and not them that really needs addressing properly and not brushed under the carpet. You say that child is struggling with nursery currently - that could be their sadness about their Gran being played out. The feeling of being left out and therefore not belonging. The crying and not wanting to go might be because of the feelings that they are missing out on something with family. If you let it continue like this it could do a lot of harm to your child’s mental health in the long run. You need to tell your mum it is having a serious effect on your child and get her to do something about it. If she won’t change the favouritism I would scale back all contact with her.

Haven't read the whole thread but have read your messages, and reading between the lines I suspect it is that your sister is extremely high maintenance, and your mother feels like if she doesn't overgive to your sister, she will lose access to those gc, whereas you are reliable and dependable and so she doesn't have to make an effort with yours as you will make all the effort to maintain a relationship between your dc and her.