How to let go favouritism of grandchildren and protect my children from it it

[january1244]

My sister and I both live five minutes away from my mum, both have two children. My mum has been full time childcare for my sister since her eldest was 6 months old. She obviously really loves them, and they're really lovely kids. They are now young primary age and she has them mornings and afternoon school, and for sleepovers, and every school holiday.

My problem is there is no room for my children at all, and she doesn't want to make room, or consider that there is any disparity in treatment.

Mine are in full time nursery Monday to Thursday inclusive. I've put my mum down as a contact so she can collect them early if she ever wants to spend time with them. She says yes that's great, but then has only used it about twice in 2.5 years. I've spoken to her about it a few times. My three year old now notices and cries about it, as he knows his cousins are there after school. He cries when he hears how my mum has taken his cousins for days out, trips away to his other cousins holiday house, even McDonald's - because she talks about it in front of him. Or his cousins naturally mention all the things they've done with my mum (the cousins are really close). I've previously written a letter to my mum about the favouritism. She is saying there is no favouritism and she is completely fair. The result of the letter is that she now comes around on Fridays (my day off) and takes him to the class that I booked to do with him on that morning. One hour a week term time only (because the other grandchildren are available again in the holidays).

Its now all come to a head because I asked my mum if she'd like to temporarily look after mine one day a week while I am working from home and paid the same rate as a nanny while I sorted something as my eldest is suddenly really struggling in nursery (crying, not eating, not wanting to go four days a week). She was horrified and said she absolutely couldn't do it because she had Pilates that day. I know it's really because she has the others morning and evening.

I have actually managed to scrabble around and sort a temporary nanny for that day in a months time, but I'm just really crushed and upset. I told my mum this and she said I was being ridiculous. At the moment I've said I just want a break from her, and I want to do my Friday class with my own child. Which she views as me preventing her from seeing her grandchildren. I'm not, as we have a family trip next month, my daughter's birthday, and she can collect them early from nursery anytime that suits her. I don't know how to deal with it going forwards, and feel so sad and resentful. How do I let this go and get past it? Do I let it go? Will it be more damaging for my children if I let this continue?

How old are your children? Could it be that she can't face doing childcare for the younger years again?

I see some grandparents on the school run who have done full time childcare for years and years and just want a break but can't say no. I'm guessing if she starts doing your childcare she may worry that she'll be doing it until yours leave as well?

It does sound unfair, but she clearly doesn't want to do it for some reason. I think you need to let it go and make peace the best you can.

I do understand that, but I don't want childcare, I want her to enjoy her retirement. I enrolled mine straight into nursery and didn't even ask her. I was just hoping she might want to spend some time with them, ever invite the eldest around to play for a couple of hours, or pick him up from nursery at say 4pm and take him for a treat or the park. He's three and my baby is almost one, and I don't expect her to have the baby. She doesn't even babysit, we have a sitter

What were your parents like with your sister and you as a child?.

Is your dad in your life now; I ask as he is not mentioned.

What does your man think of your mother's behaviours?.

Your mother prefers your sister and her children over you people. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Your sister is the golden child (and her children become golden too). It's a role also not without price though your sister is unaware of this. You are the scapegoat and as a result your children are also scapegoated. You are also seen by your mother perhaps as the more capable one so never needs help or equally you remind her of your father; a man she's always hated.

My counsel is to further build a life without your mother and sister in it day to day. I would also not attend the family trip next month nor attend any future family gatherings; go out yourselves as a family instead.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my dad died a few years ago, but they were happily married and we all have the same dad.

I would say I'm close to my mum. I've always planned surprise mini breaks, European trips, dinners and lunches and holidays. She's invited for any days out we do that aren't with friends.

She probably does prefer my sister. I think it now really hurts because it's my children. I'm aware I sound like a petulant 12 year old currently sorry! 😭

My partners parents don't live in this country so I think he's a bit sad that my children don't really get too much grandparent involvement

It's common for grandparents to commit themselves to childcare for the first grandchild to arrive, without considering that they won't be able to give the same commitment to any subsequent ones.

And then of course they are closest to the one they do the childcare for and don't feel able to give it up to be more equal.

Usually they are oblivious to this looking like favouritism and don't understand what the problem is.

Agreed, but I don't think it is 'favouritism', exactly, more that they're over-committed and/or burned out from the previous batch they've substantially done childcare for, and wary of getting into it again. I mean, I don't blame the OP's mother for not wanting to do childcare one day a week on a regular basis. Fort her it probably looks like the thin edge of the wedge. I also understand the OP's sadness that her children won't have much grandparental involvement because their other grandparents live overseas, but that's not on their mother. I'd focus on making sure the children have a habit of regular FaceTime contact with the overseas grandparents. All four of DS's grandparents lived overseas till he was almost eight, but he had a good relationship with them via Skype and visits.

That's really sad and it is absolutely favouritism, if she has looked after the other grandchildren since babyhood.

Maybe she'll do before and after school care for yours once they are at school? As less demanding than younger kids. Or will she have had enough by then!

It's still very hurtful. My mum was the same, drop everything to look after my sisters' kids, always too much trouble to have mine. I'd had my kids first so no "burn out". I stopped asking. Any plans with me or my kids are always provisional in case she is "needed" elsewhere! The kids do notice now they are older and they have less love for her. And I've just had a big fall out with her that we're unlikely to come back from, because of the way she treats me, and my kids too now. All part of a pattern of behaviour unfortunately. She is their only grandparent too now.
If you don't like how you're being treated, stop going along with it. If she continues to favour the others this will clearly affect your relationship - make sure she hears this. Easier said than done I know!
Don't give her the "nice bits" that you want to do yourself either!

That's really sad and it is absolutely favouritism, if she has looked after the other grandchildren since babyhood.

But in practice, what do people think grandparents should do? Refuse to offer childcare at all, ever? Round up their children before they start having children of their own and tell them they're only doing childcare for whoever produced the first set of grandchildren, so ready, set, go? Tell the parents of the first set of grandchildren that they'll only do childcare until the birth of a grandchild to another of their children, after which they will dump the first set and offer childcare to the second set? Move to the Caribbean and ignore all grandchildren?

I’d talk to my sister, as well as to my mum. If she weren’t receptive to looking at the situation (& possibly anyway, if she couldn’t help change it), I’d have my kids spend less time with their cousins and even look at moving away.

@FishMouse I'm really sorry, I know it does hurt.

No I've already booked them in for afterschool club (there's a long waiting list at the school they'll hopefully go to so you have to get on it when they're under two). She's never offered and I wouldn't ever expect that. It's a huge tie. I actually think she did overcommit to my sister, but would never want to upset her by reducing the days for example. My sister wouldn't like to think that she might feel burned out, because the alternative is less convenient and having to pay.

I guess I'm looking for her to want to do something with mine. And actually just getting more and more resentful, which I don't want to feel.

@Knockgour yep we video call every week and spend three weeks of the year together with the others

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don't want to make a big thing of it and a big family drama. All of the children are excited to go away, and it's with wider family also

Perhaps share out their effort once new ones arrive so that it isn't so unbalanced? It isn't so hard to understand that is it? As parents give an older child less attention when a new baby arrives. Or yes, don't do any at all if they don't want to/can't, it's not obligatory. Or own their decision that they have committed to one family so can't help the other. It's a huge amount of financial help as well, if one family has free childcare and the other has to pay.

@Knockgour but it's not about the childcare. Wouldn't you think that maybe they could say I would love to spend some time with the other grandchildren and is it possible you could arrange something else for one evening a week so I could do something with the other ones? Or do you think it's entirely okay to prioritise seeing one set every day and the others once or twice a month?

I honestly can't imagine doing that to my children

You've made your feelings clear and she doesn't care so the situation hasn't changed.

In order to insulate yourself from this situation, I would continue with your life without factoring her in. Book nursery/CM/sitters/whatever. If your DC has problems at nursery, try to address that with the nursery, rather than your mum - as she clearly doesn't want to help.

If you ever move house, you could look to put a little more distance between you.

I wonder how this situation is going to evolve - when your mum gets old, is your sister actually going to step up and repay her - taking her to hospital appointments, helping her in her house etc?

I can't imagine giving all of my spare time to one of my children and not the other.

Yanbu. It is hurtful.

If I can't manage helping both, then neither would get help.

@FishMouse what has your mum said now you've fallen out? Has she apologised? Do you think you really won't see her much now?

@sjs42 yes it literally was temporary, I have sorted a day nanny for that day.

I don't think my sister will but I could be wrong. When my dad died, my other sister and I sorted my dad's funeral and split the bill. When my mum was ill after I had my first, I moved in with my mum to take care of her. My sister said it was too overwhelming so I cut a trip short and lived apart from my partner for a month (and did my sisters childcare)

It's obvious that you really love your mum and your children so it is hard. I am not sure how much more you can do other than to keep pointing out to her how much it upsets your children to see and hear all the fun things their cousins get up to with the other relatives. And how much it upsets you to see your children sad (guilt-tripping her in other words).

I don't get favouritism from what you have posted though looking at it in black and white, it is. It comes across as more of a habit that your mum has formed that she is so used to now that she cannot see the wood for the trees. It is almost as though your sisters dc are her own.

But is there anything to suggest this grandmother hasn't 'owned her decision' to give regular childcare only to the OP's sister. Nothing the OP has said suggests any pretence of offering more than she currently is.

OP, from your most recent update, it sounds as if this is part of a long, enmeshed pattern of behaviour where you feel you give more to your mother than your sister. Maybe it's time to reflect on that. Because I don't think this is actually about your children.

I remember when my children were born and my SIL had children about the same time. My SIL was my MILs daughter. It was genuinely touching to see the delight my MIL had for her two granddaughters (SIL's children). My boys were definitely not in the same league! I just let it go. I couldn't do anything about it and it seemed churlish to mind. Time passed and the grandchildren became teenagers and my PILS got older. The girls were always busy and saw little of their grandparents. My boys were encouraged by us to help their grandparents. They mowed the lawn and did some practical jobs for them. My MIL was very proud of the fact that her granddaughters went to a posh private school and wore old fashioned uniforms. My boys went to the local comp. I remember how completely taken aback my MIL was when both of ours went to Cambridge Uni and her granddaughters went elsewhere. My PILS helped their granddaughters with paying academic fees and after the first year my FIL also insisted on paying for his grandsons too.
By the end of their lives, both my PILS has become very fond of our two. it took a long time for all the grandchildren to be treated equally but they got there in the end. I know I did the right thing in ignoring the favouritism and I know our boys never noticed. It is very common for MILS to prefer their daughter's children but I would never have cut them off for it. My children grew up believing they were loved by all. I would have hated them to feel resentful.
I tried to be generous ( I am not always so tolerant) and I know it was the right thing to do. All four grandchildren ( all now married with children) get on well. It is lovely for all of them to feel part of an extended family.

She will never admit to the favouritism. It's always justified by "but she needs me", "I can't say no to her" or denied completely -"I don't remember that", "that's not true." I did wonder if it was me over reacting, but people outside the family have noticed and talked to me about it!
I will definitely see less of her. I'm not even talking to her currently. Years of resentment have led up to this point. She will never ever see my point of view, that is the worst thing but I'm feeling better now I'm not hoping for change. She's let me down so many times. Now she's bleating how upset she is! Once upon a time I would have cared deeply how she felt, but she's worn it out.

It’s already a big family drama and a toxic dynamic that goes back years. Now she’s playing favourites with the grandchildren and they will be affected by this.

I also think you’ve been trying to get your mother’s approval through taking her out , approval she will never give you.

Why did you leave your own family behind when your mother was ill to take care of her? Did she ask you to do this?. Not at all surprising to see that your sister found it overwhelming. She basically couldn’t be bothered / didn’t want to do any care type stuff for her mother. It will be the when she is very elderly; you will be expected again to step in because she will not. It will matter not that you have a life of your own.

I do not think your mother will ever apologise or accept any responsibility for her actions. If an apology does come it will be a non apology like I’m sorry you feel that way.

Would reconsider the family holiday altogether and go away instead as a family unit. Your mothers behaviour is going to be even more noticeable on holiday too.

@FishMouse I'm so so sorry ❤️ That really is awful.

@AttilaTheMeerkat haha she did actually message me 'I'm sorry you feel that way' when I said I was hurt. I did because my mum was ill to the point she needed rushing to A&E for urgent treatment regularly. She was alone after my dad dying. We were living an hour away at the time, and I couldn't have her alone at home and scared and at risk. My sister was still dropping her children off and my mum couldn't cope. I was on maternity leave so of course I went.

Thanks for the other comments. I agree maybe I feel I'm trying to buy my mums attention a bit. I think I was okay with letting it go, until it started to affect my eldest

and FWIW I do not think you sound like a petulant 12 year old either.

I used to ask my mother who still lives nearby if she wanted to come out with my then infant son and me to the shops, she did not even unbend to even do that. She used to go to my brother’s house (single and no dependents ) to clean it for him. Present day he’s now moved far away and she’s lost.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm so sorry for this also ❤️ do you see much of her now as you're still living close?

I agree with Attila It sounds like your sister (and by extension, her children) is the favoured one. You are doing a lot of things (inviting her out, helping her when she's ill) to try to get her approval and love. But none of it is working. Meantime your sister can do literally nothing and is showered with love and support.

I would suggest not trying so hard, and trying to accept that she won't be the mother and grandmother you'd like her to be. It's hard, I know. But you are already noticing it affecting your own children. Do you want them to grow up with the family dynamic that you had?

No not really but I have carved out a life for myself. She in the meanwhile has not. Goodness alone knows what will happen if my dad dies first.