How to let go favouritism of grandchildren and protect my children from it it

[january1244]

My sister and I both live five minutes away from my mum, both have two children. My mum has been full time childcare for my sister since her eldest was 6 months old. She obviously really loves them, and they're really lovely kids. They are now young primary age and she has them mornings and afternoon school, and for sleepovers, and every school holiday.

My problem is there is no room for my children at all, and she doesn't want to make room, or consider that there is any disparity in treatment.

Mine are in full time nursery Monday to Thursday inclusive. I've put my mum down as a contact so she can collect them early if she ever wants to spend time with them. She says yes that's great, but then has only used it about twice in 2.5 years. I've spoken to her about it a few times. My three year old now notices and cries about it, as he knows his cousins are there after school. He cries when he hears how my mum has taken his cousins for days out, trips away to his other cousins holiday house, even McDonald's - because she talks about it in front of him. Or his cousins naturally mention all the things they've done with my mum (the cousins are really close). I've previously written a letter to my mum about the favouritism. She is saying there is no favouritism and she is completely fair. The result of the letter is that she now comes around on Fridays (my day off) and takes him to the class that I booked to do with him on that morning. One hour a week term time only (because the other grandchildren are available again in the holidays).

Its now all come to a head because I asked my mum if she'd like to temporarily look after mine one day a week while I am working from home and paid the same rate as a nanny while I sorted something as my eldest is suddenly really struggling in nursery (crying, not eating, not wanting to go four days a week). She was horrified and said she absolutely couldn't do it because she had Pilates that day. I know it's really because she has the others morning and evening.

I have actually managed to scrabble around and sort a temporary nanny for that day in a months time, but I'm just really crushed and upset. I told my mum this and she said I was being ridiculous. At the moment I've said I just want a break from her, and I want to do my Friday class with my own child. Which she views as me preventing her from seeing her grandchildren. I'm not, as we have a family trip next month, my daughter's birthday, and she can collect them early from nursery anytime that suits her. I don't know how to deal with it going forwards, and feel so sad and resentful. How do I let this go and get past it? Do I let it go? Will it be more damaging for my children if I let this continue?

Your mum obviously takes you for granted. Her treatment of you and your children is unfair. I would definitely pull back as it is upsetting for your children when they are told about everything their cousins have done with your mum.

If you put some distance between you and your mum, she may realise what she is missing as you seem to be the one who helps her when she needs it, not your sister who is getting all the childcare and help.

Let her suffer the consequences of her actions and see what happens.

I have big favouritism issues too, except in my case it’s MIL. She worships DD (the first and golden grandchild) and DS is a perpetual afterthought. It’s so entrenched on that side of the family, we have aunts and cousins who will say things like “we were so looking forward to having DD visit!” it’s like she’s an only child.

We saw MIL this weekend and I overheard her saying that she must take a photo of DD to send to her friends, because “they love her”. I suppose she gushes to them all the time about her, but fucking hell, my poor boy.

There is an income difference but we aren't breezy with the nursery fees. It's £38k plus a year and we save for them. The nanny for one day works out cheaper for two unbelievably!

They have a six figure household income. They could afford the odd after school club or holiday club

That's even worse, as your poor son can't escape that! How could she do that to him, she must know it might cause resentment as they grow up

So sorry to hear this, eight years, that's awful. It really sounds like you're better off without her x

I would not tolerate it. I'd cut my mother off if she treated my children like second class citizens. Your eldest DC is 3 now and has noticed yet she keeps talking about all the fun things she does with the other grandchildren. I'd cancel the family holiday and go somewhere with just DH and your own DC. I'd not be allowing my DC to be snubbed in this mean way.

I totally feel you, I had the same with my in laws. Only difference is ds is the eldest grandchild and got loads of attention. Then the next grandchild came along and he was dumped, all attention/trips/sleepovers on this grandchild and not so much as a vist for him

Have you spoken to your sister about the difference in treatment OP? What is the age difference between hers and your DC?

I can appreciate it being hard for her both to dial down the support and time and relationship she has with her older DC and that having gone through baby and toddler years and being older it being difficult to do all over again. But for her to not acknowledge the difference or make any room for your DC just seems so uncaring.

I wonder if you spoke to your sister about how it makes you feel, whether she would be able to find some alternatives to give your mum a bit more space to spend time with your DC.

I very much doubt the sister will get involved.

I feel for everyone who has experienced this favouritism. I think I'm highly sensitive to it as I've seen it going on in my family for generations. My own grandmother treated my mam as the scapegoat and my mam's younger sister as the golden child. The same pattern continued with my mam's kids not being considered as important. It's so sad to see how little confidence my mam has and how she constantly chases approval and a desire for belonging in her extended family but they all (bar a few) treat her like crap. I've pulled back from the toxic ones and know it's their problem but it upsets me to see my mam upset.
Everyone always harps on about how amazing my grandmother was, but I think she was really damaging and deliberately mean to my mother and by extension us. I also think she was a narcissist. I could give loads of examples but don't want to out myself. Now that she's dead, I can look back and see she was damaged herself but she has left the family in tatters. I think the best course of action for me is to have nothing to do with them. I'm trying to heal myself so I don't pass on my negative feelings to the next generation (my kids) but I'm still feeling angry and resentful sometimes.
Someone mentioned that it's not good for the golden child either, I wonder why? Maybe they don't fully mature or have self-awareness.
I'm sorry for your kids OP. I'm the kid in this situation who is still bothered by it
( but getting better). You sound like a great mother.

The golden child never escapes. They are trapped in a golden cage, unable to develop their own identities, interests and relationships.

Golden child is forever bound to mam, too afraid to break free, they may even be jealous of the scapegoat as she escapes into the sunset, determined to belong somewhere, elsewhere. In the pain and rejection they have no choice but to become fully independent. Your mam may not have spread her wings - but she knows herself more fully than the golden child, who is a victim too.

Similar here. Mil did absolutely everything for dh’s sister and her kids. Childcare, holidays, extra curricular, the lot.

when it came to me and dh having kids ours went to nursery. Mil did offer, tbf, but they were so over extended with sil, plus they kept letting us down should sil need something.

in just put it down to over committing to the first grandchildren as pp says.

until mil died. Fil has Alzheimer’s so we sorted the estate. Turns out they’d also been giving sil and her kids a lot of money over the years. Big house deposits, paid all their student loans, paid off sil’s mortgage etc. even had a clause in the will that specifically left them cash, with no mention of dh.

it’s really hurtful. And now we can’t even ask them why.

yogaatsunrise- That's exactly it! you've described it really well. My aunt fell to pieces when my granny died, and seemed to have channelled her grief into attacking my poor mam. She is definitely jealous of my mam as my mam had a career, bought a house in the countryside, learned to drive, challenged herself, whereas my aunt's whole identity was being this 'saint' who could do no wrong, but she never escaped the orbit of my granny. She is far from a saint, noone is perfect, though I think that's the identity she wants to live up to and as a result, she twists everything around so she's never seen as the 'baddie' but she's so toxic. (she also didn't learn to drive or push herself academically, my mam got a scholarship to go to university and had a wider world view). I'd feel sorry for her only for the awful ways she has treated my mother. I don't think I can ever forgive her.

Sorry to go on about my family OP. I think it just goes to show how long-lasting the effects of this behaviour is on families.

You're a pushover. Your family are taking advantage.

Have you considered therapy to help you understand you're not responsible for other adults emotions or actions. You're really not. You don't have to bend over backwards trying to make them think good things about you. It won't actualy change what they think. You're giving them too much power over your life.

You can reclaim your power by investing in your relationship with in laws. They sound nice and your children can build relationships online between the weeks away with them. Simple cards & messages can help distance be minimised.
Let them build bonds with people who care, not following the "pick me" dance they'll never win.

@Schoolchoicesucks I think probably @Yogaatsunrise is right. My sister walked in on a heated discussion my mum and I were having a little while back. My mum had said to my son she couldn't take him to his class because she was taking his cousins to his other cousins holiday house overnight. He was crying, so I said it's a shame he has to miss out, and any chance he could go too. She said no she couldn't manage all three. We were arguing about the difference in treatment when my sister walked in with her children (she has a key). My sister phoned me later furious that I had upset her eldest who was apparently crying in the car with my mum because he thought it was his fault my son was sad that he misses out on things. She didn't speak to me for days, and sent me a lot of not nice messages. I honestly wouldn't bring it up with her, I don't think it would go well. I love my nephews and I don't really want to rock that boat. My son would be devastated if he didn't get to see them.

@user1471471849 I'm sorry you're still feeling the effects, and hope your mum is okay.

@Huskytrot yes I think probably that is it. This thread has been really useful because I think I was already wavering and about to be the one to back down again and smooth it all over. I think there are added complications when one parent dies and the other is alone- you really worry about them. I've never thought about therapy, maybe I should

To clarify in case that all sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle, I had taken my child to nursery before coming back to talk with my mum about it. Unfortunately my sister walked in with her children and they heard us arguing about it

january

Admittedly I was not there but I think your sister lied about her eldest child being upset. She knew she was wrong here hence all the silent treatment aka emotional abuse towards you. Both she and your mother have behaved appallingly. Really and truly you should have nothing to do with either going forward. With you out of the picture hopefully they will then further turn against each other.

You not wanting to rock the boat is a problem (I will put up a further link re this whole rocking the boat dynamic) as is your assertion about your son being devastated (and that is a strong word) if he did not get to see them. Is that really your feelings here rather than his own?. He's already finding out that he is the second class citizen here re his nan.

Find a therapist who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. BACP have a list of therapists; interview each one you look at carefully and at length before choosing any particular one.

Are your sister's children much older than your own?.

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your partner get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and your partner see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

The fact that you raised it with your mum about being upset that she broke her promise to take your son to his class in favour of an overnight stay with your sister's children and that she has shown no contrition and nothing has changed means that you either keep being grateful for the very few crumbs from your mum's table or you pull right back and go very low contact with your mum and sister.

It's not healthy for you and your son to keep witnessing the blatant inequality of treatment between your child and your sister's children (which is obviously just carrying on the inequality of treatment between you and your sister throughout your childhood and adulthood).

Therapy would be a good idea to come to terms with this dynamic which won't change.

This sort of toxic crap can and does go down the generations and now there is a second generation who are being affected by their status of golden children/scapegoated child.

You have a choice here not to keep playing the game. Drop the rope to the pair of them entirely. And do seek out therapy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that's a really useful metaphor.

So in these sorts of family dynamics it's useful to reframe the problem not as "I don't want to rock the boat" but "I don't want to keep steadying the boat any more" aka "It's not my job to look after your boat" and "I need to have the space to have my own boat in my way".

Or in non boat related language what you are is "not keeping the peace any more". This doesn't mean that you are actively causing arguments (although this will likely be what the mother/MIL will claim) but simply not being deliberately passive.

I love the saying "when you persist with keeping the peace around you, you cause a war inside you".

Unmet needs, resentment, hurt and witnessing the confusion of your innocent young children is paying with youf mental health.

Don't do it. Protect your mental health and that of your children.

Your mam had her own life, she may have carried her grief inside her heart, but the cage was not closed for her and as a result she was able to enjoy lots of experiences and life outside of the (toxic) family unit, she could choose her life (or not, as not everyone chooses freedom, some scapegoats will tether themselves even closer to their abusive families and do more and more to try to win some love) It won’t work ofc but they will persist with hope.

The sister is stuck in your granny’s orbit indefinitely, so conditioned to be the ‘perfect child’ she is stripped of all autonomy, beholden to her mother who steamrolls all hurdles, she never learns to overcome them herself. They tend to become weaker and weaker, morally disoriented as they age, they distort and deny their mother’s abuse of their sibling(s) but they have no real
choice. They don’t like to be reminded of the guilt, or the suffering and may react badly to any reminder.

All adult children are causalities of this systematic family dysfunction, that flies under the radar to most as they were born into it - they know no different. Until it is forced into the light by a 3 year old or by a tragedy - then the realisation kicks in.

The golden child has a very raw deal in the end, the love (and benefits) they receive come with unspoken conditions, that they must sacrifice a huge amount of themselves and their life/choices to stay in the cage.

The scapegoat can find love and validation elsewhere eventually, the wounded child, with help can rebuild themselves and their lives. They have the chance at least to live their own life, and develop whole personalities of their own individually away from mother.

For the golden child it may be a risk too far, they are too conditioned to break free. There are no winners. But scapegoat can be free.