How to let go favouritism of grandchildren and protect my children from it it

[january1244]

My sister and I both live five minutes away from my mum, both have two children. My mum has been full time childcare for my sister since her eldest was 6 months old. She obviously really loves them, and they're really lovely kids. They are now young primary age and she has them mornings and afternoon school, and for sleepovers, and every school holiday.

My problem is there is no room for my children at all, and she doesn't want to make room, or consider that there is any disparity in treatment.

Mine are in full time nursery Monday to Thursday inclusive. I've put my mum down as a contact so she can collect them early if she ever wants to spend time with them. She says yes that's great, but then has only used it about twice in 2.5 years. I've spoken to her about it a few times. My three year old now notices and cries about it, as he knows his cousins are there after school. He cries when he hears how my mum has taken his cousins for days out, trips away to his other cousins holiday house, even McDonald's - because she talks about it in front of him. Or his cousins naturally mention all the things they've done with my mum (the cousins are really close). I've previously written a letter to my mum about the favouritism. She is saying there is no favouritism and she is completely fair. The result of the letter is that she now comes around on Fridays (my day off) and takes him to the class that I booked to do with him on that morning. One hour a week term time only (because the other grandchildren are available again in the holidays).

Its now all come to a head because I asked my mum if she'd like to temporarily look after mine one day a week while I am working from home and paid the same rate as a nanny while I sorted something as my eldest is suddenly really struggling in nursery (crying, not eating, not wanting to go four days a week). She was horrified and said she absolutely couldn't do it because she had Pilates that day. I know it's really because she has the others morning and evening.

I have actually managed to scrabble around and sort a temporary nanny for that day in a months time, but I'm just really crushed and upset. I told my mum this and she said I was being ridiculous. At the moment I've said I just want a break from her, and I want to do my Friday class with my own child. Which she views as me preventing her from seeing her grandchildren. I'm not, as we have a family trip next month, my daughter's birthday, and she can collect them early from nursery anytime that suits her. I don't know how to deal with it going forwards, and feel so sad and resentful. How do I let this go and get past it? Do I let it go? Will it be more damaging for my children if I let this continue?

Hi I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I've had similar and it never improved. My kids grew up understanding the favourism, and disliking my mum for it. I had to visit less and put boundaries down so I didn't feel used. The children never wanted to visit their nan, so I had to leave them with their dad. It was sad and hurtful, but I allowed my children to not visit. My mum knew but wasn't bothered in the slightest.

Thanks so much for the comments and people sharing their own experiences. They've been interesting to read through, as I think when you're in a dynamic, you're not sure if you are overreacting and causing issues. So I appreciate all the other perspectives.

I do feel pretty embarrassed and sad, because what I thought was trying to do nice things for my mum probably is looking like being a doormat and trying too hard. And yes she clearly still doesn't care about me enough to not be the one she's happy to let down.

To the people who asked about when we were younger, I don't know really. My sister is a few years younger so it's hard to tell. It's not about money, but she was given a house deposit and we weren't. She got a car. I wouldn't have accepted this anyway because I earn more than my parents ever did, but it was actually never offered and she ended up buying a property before myself or my other sister managed to. My parents did talk to us about it, and we both said we didn't mind

I'm really sorry also for all of the other people that have had not ideal parents being not ideal grandparents to their children. It's hurtful and thanks for taking the time to share. It's has made me feel less alone

Your other less favoured sister and you may have equally felt obligated or under familial pressure to not object. The favoured sister has remained so throughout your childhood. Your parents created this dynamic .

It’s a tail as old as time a family created on dysfunction. I would bet that your mum has an awful lot of control and gets an awful lot of consistent attention from your sibling and kids. Do they talk about how amazing they are and superior to other family members?Siblings expected to sit on the bench and watch happily expecting less, if you mention it you are gaslighted into thinking that you are making it all up. You are gaslit into thinking that you are too independent so you don’t need anything. It’s a role pushed onto you.

Your child needs to be protected from this because there is little worse for children then to feel like they are less valued. We have this in my family and if you allow it and feed it in order to get valued more it drives you a little crazy. Nothing will be enough because it’s a role that is very fixed. I’m sorry it’s not nice.

Oh god I really hope not. That would be so so awful. I don't know where his upset about nursery has come from as he's happily been going there since he was 10 months old. He has a big group of friends and he's always run in happily before

I would be furious if my Mother treated my DC like this. Luckily she didn't and was very aware of giving each of her GC an equal amount of her time and love.

My children have picked up on my family and it makes me feel really sad. My mum constantly visits one of my sisters, praises her and her husband for having ‘professional’ jobs (she has this job as my mum paid for private school for her whilst I worked from 13 to pay for my own clothes and sanitary supplies!). She now favours one of her children and talks about him endlessly. She never mentions my other sibling who is the sweetest person you’ll ever encounter. Her favourite is actually cruel to her and there has been an episode of bullying where another family member stepped in.

My children have noticed and were really upset I had an episode of poor health and look after them crawling on my hands and knees and she refused to help saying my sister has a professional job and needs help with childcare. In the end I ran out of excuses for her and explained she is a very unhappy person and we should try to be better than that.

I also don't want to talk to my partner about it. It feels all a bit raw at the moment. Also he's been here with me for well over ten years, and I know he'd love to move back home one day.

I haven't wanted to ao far as I don't want to leave my mum on her own, my sister and my nephews. He lives a really long way away, and I have a job I like here and really good friends. My other sister has lived abroad for a few years, so although she has a child, it's always a big thing when they come back and everyone makes an effort

I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you weren't supported at all when you were ill. Some space to actually rest would have made a huge difference

Would his parents be supportive? I think even if you’re not biologically related to them, the impact of having supportive grandparents would be massive for your little ones.

Honestly OP, you really need to actively protect your children from this.

It is toxic and will make them feel less than while not understanding fully their feelings.

It leads to their confusion.
Far far better your mother is unimportant to them growing up than having their nose rubbed in their less than position.

Nearly 60 here and I have friends who were in your position and it was very interesting to hear the out comes.

Several just seethed and hurt over it.
Their children verbalised it clearly how it hurt them mid teens and by late teens had no interest whatsoever in their grandparents and refused to visit.
They only see their grandparents that are alive very occasionally and have no interest whatsoever. Their mums really regret their children witnessing it and internalising those less than feelings.

Several other friends actively distanced themselves and built friendships with women and their families and their children grew up with these close "friends/cousins" and busy Granny and Grandad were never a priority so no loss was felt as they grew up.
Similarly they very rarely see their grandparents and have never missed them.

Lean into how YOU are feeling.
Do you REALLY want your children growing up on the side lines internalising feeling the confusion of less than?

Stop including your mother in anything.
Stop pushing a relationship on her that she is not interested in.
Focus on building a network of friends and their children around you that will support you and them.
Clever people do this.
Sport can be great for this.

Your mothers "sorry if you feel that way" bullshit apology tells you everything.

You have done your share.
Hand her future care over to your sister.
God knows your mother has saved her enough money.

Protect your children.
You do NOT want them telling you mid teens how shit they felt for years watching granny and grandad only caring about X and Y etc.

My friend said she felt physically sick when she heard it from her teen children and she couldn't stomach being around her parents afterwards.
She dropped the rope from that day on, but is hugely guilty 10 years on over it.

It made her very unavailable when her father had treatment and died.
She sees her mother very infrequently to this day.
Her brother golden balls was nowhere to be seen either.
Her parents paid a high price but she only cares about how it hurt her boys.

I think sometimes GPs assess care based on the parents need rather than fairness

This just gets worse.
Your sister was given a house deposit and a car?!!

How is that fair or acceptable? Why has everyone been trained to say they don’t need to be valued or helped equally, and it’s fine for this to happen, can you see why this is so messed up?

Your poor little boy is being actively damaged by your mother. It sounds like she is deliberately telling him to hurt him, to teach him his place. I would never allow my child hear my mother if she did this. Goodness knows it’s no accident he knows all of this op - he is 3 for gods sake.

The problem is that to someone like you - who is conditioned and used to seeing your sister’s special treatment the abuse is invisible, but it’s not invisible to your son who is confused, hurt and outaged by his grandmother’s behaviour, and he is just a toddler. She starts very very young doesn’t she.

Your sister is not just an innocent bystander either, she is quite happy for your children to suffer.

I am sorry op. You don’t have to move overseas but you do need to protect your son at all costs. Stop seeing het altogether with your son. Keep him away and she won’t be able to damage him. Tell her why. You are not harming the bond, because there isn’t one anyway.

Sorry op 💐 it’s absolutely heartbreaking when the full picture comes into focus and you realise your mother is not who you think she is, and never was.

t's not about money, but she was given a house deposit and we weren't. She got a car. I wouldn't have accepted this anyway because I earn more than my parents ever did, but it was actually never offered and she ended up buying a property before myself or my other sister managed to. My parents did talk to us about it, and we both said we didn't mind

And what would have happened if you'd said you did mind? And why did you think that such blatant favouritism was ok?

@Bornnotbourne yes his parents really make an effort. His mum flew over just after I had my first, he'd been in NICU and she was so excited to see him. She flew over again without being asked when we had a two week gap in my partners shared parental leave and nursery starting, and did childcare for my youngest. We go to theirs two weeks every year, and his parents book a villa in Europe and come over each year. They kindly invite my mum also. I haven't actually even asked her on this latest trip as I've been feeling so cross

@Yogaatsunrise I don't think my mum does it on purpose, just that her other grandchildren are such a big part of her life she talks about that. And obviously the other grandchildren are really young and don't understand the dynamics, so just say what they've been doing. She does invite him along with them to a couple of things if I go also, but mostly she has them and she couldn't fit all of them in the car or probably manage all of them on her own

I think I'd be really clear with Mum

"It makes me so sad that you prioritise Favoured Sister and her children ALL the time and give no time or energy to me or my children. Is there any way we can get around this?"

I'm imagining that she'll say there is no way around it or she'll ignore the question or she'll say that she's sorry you feel that way

I'd then back right off. I mean seriously back right off.

Low contact

I do agree though it is damaging, that's why I have been so upset recently. I will take a big step back. I won't invite my mum to join my in laws on holiday and I'll stop her taking my Friday class. I actually agree with all of you who have said better mine aren't close to witness it, and a bit of distance will help with that. Thank you.

Re the deposit, what could we say really. She had a baby and they wanted to make sure they could buy an appropriate house. They did ask, but I think it had already been sorted. We probably had better earning potential (although at the time weren't in great positions ourselves)

I was a childminder for a woman in your position. Big family and her sister had kids way before she did. By the time she had children her mum had done so much for her older sister and was still providing after school care . So mum has been doing this for 7 years . Now also 7 years older and it makes a huge difference. She was unwilling to take care of babies or toddlers with nappy changes and feeding on a regular basis as too much for her. My friend just had to come to terms with the fact that things had changed. No one's fault just timing . I wonder if a 3 year old seems too much for your mother if she has also been doing childcare for years.

The problem is that to someone like you - who is conditioned and used to seeing your sister’s special treatment the abuse is invisible, but it’s not invisible to your son who is confused, hurt and outaged by his grandmother’s behaviour, and he is just a toddler. She starts very very young doesn’t she

This ^

Imo your mother isn't a very nice person

Gosh, OP, you seem to be a really kind and nice person with a heart of gold. But I fear that for your own well-being and that of your children, you are going to have to harden that heart a bit.

Step back, let your mother come to you ( if you want her to) . If she doesn’t, well, what have you lost?

I'd stop asking, every time she says no it will break your heart again and stir up your emotions.

At any time she could even out her time, her places in the car, her love and attention. She knows exactly what she is doing, and as you have clearly told her how it makes you feel, she has completely ignored you.

This isn’t a grandmother running out of time, money or exhausted from babysitting before she is actively rubbing your son’s face in it, that’s where the issue is. She is making sure he damn well knows he is second best, and he is a baby still himself. It’s actually outrageous, and she is being rewarded handsomely for her cruelty with holidays and days out - and is the favourite granny with your sisters children. No doubt they are told she prioritises them.

Honestly this is just so horribly dysfunctional and it is inter generational. Everything your son is learning now will be passed to his children and so on. You can not stand by and allow him to be hurt like this.

Is there a big income difference between your household and theirs?

From the way you're breezing with nursery, day nannys, and sitters, it sounds like money is no object to you - yet if your sister needs your mum as full time childcare, it sounds like they may be in a much different position? Your mum may be too tired to deal with all the children so much but feels obligated to help sister for financial reasons?

Your mum and sister sound awful. Leaving your children out in the way she has is cruel imo.

That's lovely you've helped your mum out so much in the past. But I would seriously reconsider this as she really takes you for granted.