Son's friend always outstays his welcome

[meganjol]

Tricky situation, looking for suggestions on how to manage it.
My son (aged 9) has a school friend who comes over to our house a couple of times per week (usually weekday evenings) and totally outstays his welcome each time. As soon as he arrives, he asks for something to eat so I end up giving him snacks. Never meals, I live on a strict budget and can't afford to feed another mouth tbh. Let's say I offer him a couple of biscuits, he'll then go in the kitchen to get more from the packet and says "Megan, you don't mind do you?" (when they're already in his hand).
I have a busy schedule on weekday evenings with cooking, homework and also an activity that my other child does.
This boy seems to stay for 2 or 3 hours at a time, his mum never comes to collect him. So, invariably, I end up walking him home in the dark. This means I have to take my own kids out in the dark, in all weathers. Middle of winter. To make the 10 mins walk back to his house. I can't feel ok about leaving him to walk home alone as I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to him (crossing a busy main road), as well as the other dangers of a young kid walking alone in the dark.
I'm starting to get really fed up of him coming over as I know it's never just a quick visit and will invariably involve me having to sacrifice any evening plans. His mum has 2 younger children (including a young baby), so I understand she might have a hands full but I'm starting to feel used for free childcare. I've even suggested to my son that we just pretend to be out when he comes over, but my son always wants to look who's at the door.
How can I deal with this without falling out with the other mum?

No way around just talking to the mum and say something along the lines of "heads up, we're not accepting visitors after school for the foreseeable as it disrupts our evening schedule. We've said the same to relatives. Want to make sure that your son doesn't have a wasted journey".

If he shows up, just call up the mum straight away and get her to pick him up straightaway/send him on his way straightaway. Do this as many times as needed.

How does he get to your house? If his mum brings him it's a sorry no we are busy. If he turns up on his own it's a sorry no we are busy. You are letting him in. Stop it!

Either turn him away at the door next time, or if you must let him in, have a word with his mum when you take him back. Something like “my son loves it when yours comes over but we can’t have him round this much every week as we have other commitments. Can we swap phone numbers and then we can organise something ahead of time in the future rather than him surprising us each time”.

also if you don’t want to answer the door, your son doesn’t get to override that. You’re the adult.

I’d suspect he is going home to an empty house. What parent of a 9 year old lets them disappear for hours two or more evenings a week?

Oh poor kid ....how are his parents allowing that?

I would not want him there that frequently either but something isnt right about this situation

Presuming mum wants him out the way. Unfortunately you will need to be tough.
'sorry Toby, not tonight', shut the door

'ok Toby, you can come in for 1 hr then you will have to go home.' Then reminders up to going home time.

Also, is your mum collecting you? No? , ok have you got her number, I'll call her.

No biscuits tonight Toby, I haven't been shopping. Put the biscuits out of sight.

or 'Toby, what's mums number and we can arrange for during the holidays, we are too busy after school'

As soon as he arrives, he asks for something to eat so I end up giving him snacks.
”That’s your lot, no more snacks after that, stay out of the kitchen please”.

This boy seems to stay for 2 or 3 hours at a time, his mum never comes to collect him. So, invariably, I end up walking him home in the dark.
”Time for you to go now, before it gets too dark for you to walk home, here’s your coat, bye”.

I'm starting to get really fed up of him coming over as I know it's never just a quick visit and will invariably involve me having to sacrifice any evening plans.
”We’re busy for the rest of this week so you can’t come over again until Saturday/next week/ the 19th March”.

Seriously, it’s a 9 year old boy, you’re the adult, it’s not hard.

You need to be the adult here

tell him no to biscuits

he sounds lonely

is mum at home

Bring it to his parents and school

In my experience, a child staying two or three hours is quite normal but usually, at that age, a parent picks them up. I suppose that is difficult if the mother in this case has a baby - is she a single parent? I am assuming you are. Back in my day, my husband did a lot of ferrying around and other kids' parents did the same.

It would be nice if the friend reciprocated and your son could go there sometimes. Or they could go out somewhere over the weekend which might be better than school nights.

Does the child's mum save dinner for him to eat when he gets home? I know that is not your problem but a growing boy needs a decent meal of an evening and he only gets biscuits at yours. I accept you are on.a fairly tight budget but most people can stretch.a meal to feed someone occasionally, that is if he will eat anything other than mum's cooking.

This is obviously getting you down and you need to talk to the other parent.. Do explain that walking her son home in the dark means dragging your children out too and it's a bit much on a regular basis. See what she says.

Maybe his home life is awful and he feels safer or happier at your house? I'm sure it is inconvenient to you as you have said, and costly in terms of snacks etc but there may be more to it going on in his home life.

One of my friends had this a few years ago, it was nearly every afternoon after school. She had to say something to the Mum, that they couldn't host every evening. I think you'll have to say something to his Mum, that you've got after-school activities, homework, etc., so you can only have one playdate a week, for example.

This child isn't the problem, it's his shitty parents.

Don't they know where he is? Why don't they come to collect him? Have you messaged them?

Why? Can’t you just say no, it’s not convenient?

Boundaries OP. Irrespective of the boys home life, you're feeling encroachment onto your life. Unfortunately the only way to address it is by approaching the mum and either enforcing it's a quick after school visit where she picks him up or the visits stop altogether.
If you carry on accepting then you're just enabling it to continue.

@HeathenTime Exactly. She's getting free childcare and is pretty shameless about it. The OP needs to call her out on it.

The mother sounds quite neglectful. It’s concerning she doesn’t even make the arrangements with you and doesn’t seem concerned about how her son is getting home in the dark.

I would speak to the parent and explain the little boy can only come over when you have pre planned a play date and not just randomly.

I’d say something along the lines of:

hi Angela hope you’re ok. Just a message to let you know that we’ve told DS he can’t play out or in with his friends unless we’ve planned it with the parents. It’s just a bit mad after school with activities and homework etc, you know what it’s like. DS really loves having jack to come and play though so I’ve explained to him that me and you will organise a play date for when he can come over soon. Hope that’s ok. Speak soon

No to biscuits, send him home before tea so five ish. Test his mum and say df is setting off now.

Just tell him when it's time to go home.
It doesn't have to be a drama.

Aww bless you seem like a lovely mum that clearly doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I definitely think you should have a chat with his mum. Sometimes a kid who comes over so regularly like that is usually linked to loneliness or something at home (not all the time). Maybe say he can come on Fridays so it's 1 day a week because your son seems to enjoy the company. You can always buy a cheap stash of biscuits that last a while for that 1 day a week or just offer water and a fruit. Tell his mum you have evening plans and can't commit to regular weekday visits and she should understand because you're not a childminder.

Bring what to the school?

The first thing that jumped at me was the absence of care from the boys mother both for your time, and her son. Is his homelife alright?
What is going on at home for him to seek yours out?
He is now use to you giving him something to eat and knows what to say to you "Angela, you don't mind do you?

How is he getting to your place in the first place?

9 years old and mum not involved in where he is after school/getting home 🤔

Does your own child not go round to his house? It should be equal. His mother sounds neglectful as others have said. What do you know about her?

He's 9! You really need to take charge here - you're the adult and it's your house.

If it's not convenient to invite him in, just don't.

If you want him to go home after an hour, send him home! Call his mum and ask if she wants to collect or if he is ok to walk home.

If the mum is fine with him walking home, let him. He is 9yo and it is 10min walk. I'm assuming he walked to yours? Give him the two cookies and say that this is your snack and no coming to kitchen. Then after 1.5-2h you can tell him to go home. Alternatively maybe the kids can out themselves for an hour? Talk to mum and agree that they need to call you first. Does he just show up? If the time is not good tell him that or tell him that he can come for an hour or something.